Hi Fran. Oh gosh, so I guess you are spending a lot of time at home on the internet since you can't get out! Well, maybe this will help pass the time! (tee hee!)
You know, I'm having some guilt about this, but I am just not feeling comfortable talking to E right now. I'm sure she's told you she's a bit like an adopted mother to me (I don't currently have a relationship with my mother). But E can be really harsh in the way she says things and I have been finding that over the last couple years I have been less and less able to handle that harshness. I don't know if it has anything to do with my own softening process but it seems like whenever I talk to her I have to turn into a raging maniac to deal with her and "do battle" with her, and lately I just don't want to go there. It just takes too much energy out of me and I can't remain in a feminine frame of mind when talking to her. I'm really pissed at M for dying because he was always the calm voice of reason of the two of them and I'm just not sure that I'll be able to talk to her with M there to interpret. Anyway, I hadn't been on the board for a very long time and I got back on specifically so that I wouldn't burden E with my stuff while she is dealing with her own grief. That long tirade she laid on me was very defeating for me and made me feel like a complete failure. I felt completely broken down and I was crying for days afterwards. You have always had a softer approach that I have always liked and appreciated and that's why I wanted to talk to you.
Well, first I wanted you to know that you were right about J, if I never told you. He did have a solid head on his shoulders, for the most part. It was just that we were really not a good match in the end. I think a lot of what happened was that we saw some major compatibilities in significant areas and were so blown away by it that we didn't stop to look at the little things (and a couple big things) that could (and did) really undermine the relationship. I guess it's a good thing that the marriage only lasted about a year and a half - the whole relationship lasted about 3.5 yrs.
So I moved out from J at the end of last year (12/31 actually!) and had been moping around by myself for the first few months. Then at the beginning of May I had kind of an epiphany and decided I would just focus on being present and finding joy in every day. For about a month I was on a really good streak of feeling great and getting a lot done, both personally at home and professionally. Business picked up and I was feeling really sucessful. And for the first time in my adult life I was without a man BY CHOICE and I was really happy being by myself.
I posted that long-ass post about how things went with us and you can always re-read so I won't rehash it all but here are a couple of points I don't know if I made before:
Then I ran into B was reintroduced to him and I felt like when he asked me out something jumped out of my chest and hooked up with him. I have never felt anything like that before and we had an immediate connection that was very intense and moved very quickly. He kept talking about how much he liked me and how much it scared him. He shared a lot with me about his past relationships and told me a couple things that he said nobody else knew. I believe he was being sincere. I've had the opportunity to talk with a couple of his friends and one of them made a statement that implied it has taken B a long time to mature. Another friend, though (one I am becoming better friends with) said that B is very skittish and is very concerned about his freedom/independence so I shouldn't push him at all.
So anyway, it's been three weeks since I've heard from him but here's what has happened in the last week and a half or so. I started getting "group" emails from him, where I was bcc'd on a list. I got them from him occasionally while we were seeing each other, but a lot of them were political in nature. I hadn't gotten anything in a while. Then almost two weeks after I last heard from him I suddenly received a "group" email, some stupid video on youtube. My first thought was that he had probably added me to a big group of recipients while we were seeing each other and forgot that I was included and probably didn't even realize he was sending them to me. Then a few days later, another email with a link to an article that published several journal entries from a woman who lived with her husband on a schooner in the 30's. Then a few days later I got one of those chain emails, you know, where there's a bunch of lovey-dovey sayings "people love you," "you have friends," etc. and it asks you to forward the email to 8 other people including the sender and something wonderful will happen. Well, my policy is that I never forward those things and besides I usually don't have the number of recipients they call for so I usually just delete them, which I did with this one.
But then later I started thinking, and I don't know if this is just my female brain trying to read into things and find a hidden message or something stupid like that. But I started wondering, maybe he was deliberately including me to see if I would respond. Maybe he is testing the waters, especially with that last one, to see if I would send it back to him. And then I started to get scared that if I didn't send it back that I was missing out on my chance to reconnect and he would give up for good. Oh my god, the brain can just torture me sometimes, you know?
I talked to a guy friend last night who said to totally ignore him, that yes, if he really wanted to get in touch with me directly, he could and would. And I think he's right.
I still miss him terribly and I do think my feelings for him are genuine, because I still have strong feelings for him even though a lot of the other stuff has faded away (all the lusty stuff and the total swoony stuff - I'm not sure how to describe it). But after having some time to de-oxy and get some perspective I can see how I was expecting a lot from him and it was putting pressure on him. I didn't think at the time it was unreasonable because I was in it and I was mainlining oxy and just wanted my next fix. But I think now that if we had the chance to try it again it would be a little easier for me to be more casual about it and not be so fixated on what I was and wasn't getting from him. I would want to focus more on developing a friendship.
I've been having urges over the last couple days to text him or something and just say " I was expecting too much" or something like that. This is the first time that I have been inclined to go back and give a relationship another try - usually when things fall apart, after spending some time away I totally detach and can't understand why I was ever attracted to the guy, but so far with this one, that hasn't been happening. I do feel like something is different about this one.
What do I do? Just wait it out the full 8 weeks? He still has my stuff - those pieces of that collection of stuff I wanted to sell. Do I contact him about that? Do I drop a hint to his friend (who, incidentally played a part in us getting together - she was playing a bit of matchmaker and told him something I had said) and see if it gets anywhere? Do I maintain total radio silence and see if he just shows up eventually?
I am still really concerned about the possibility of screwing things up again, as it seems I continually do, but I really do think I want to give it another try. I know that I need to find happiness on my own, but I also can't ignore the happiness I felt when I was with him. I'm pretty confused right now. And it probably doesn't help that I'm starting my period so I'm not thinking very straight and my emotions are all over the place! :-P
hugs,
S
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Hi Sweety...this is easy...don't do anything until the 8 weeks are up. It doesn't matter if it took him a long time to mature--he's there now; or even if he's running from you because he's feeling a noose tightening around his neck and every bone in his body is telling him to run fast, run far and don't look back. Eventually, if he feels that having you in his life is better than not having you in his life, he'll come back.
But I do have a question...do you really want to be getting the crazy group emails from him? Or, would it be easier for you if you just blocked them? I wouldn't over-think your being placed on the list--it doesn't mean anything to men that you are there. I once had to beg a guy and his partner for about 8 months to remove me from their mailing lists because it meant nothing one way or the other to them PERSONALLY. It was just business to have more names on their list than not.
Your friend is correct, if your fireman wanted to be in contact, he would and you MUST allow him the space to miss you or he will never feel that it was his decision to claim you, chase you, and capture you. Masculine men have that 'competition' thing. Pat calls it their need to compete, conquer and control. And the truth be told, by staying away from him, you're giving him that gift...of figuring out that he really wants you. it may be that the timing is wrong and he needs to stay away for longer than 8 weeks, but eventually, if you're the right woman, he'll be back.
Can you wait out the full 8 weeks before you sell the collection? 8 weeks is a perfect time to drop a hanky. If not, do you have someone who can pick the stuff up for you? Then he doesn't get his 'fix' of seeing you while he's still figuring out whether or not he needs you in his life.
xxx
F
