Alpha Females

I heard one of my mentors today in a podcast discussing alpha females and say that she was trying to teach lady-like behavior to women who could be killers. I've been laughing my ass off all day long over that line; I was polishing my nails as I listened. She's right. Knowing what I know about how alpha's are equally both male and female, knowing who I am in that if someone throws a figurative punch, I don't hesitate to throw one back...knowing that I wouldn't have taken an NRA course and gotten a gun permit if I didn't have the courage to shoot to kill; knowing that if it came down to me or them; it's going to be me and at the same time knowing that my real wish is that I didn't have to...how at my core I loved being a woman and being soft in the right man's presence. How much I loving feeling protected and provided for...I was born in the wrong period of time...it should have been coach covers and double barrelled pistols, long dresses, gloves and the gentility of when a father gave the safety of his daughter (after his long contemplation) to the care of another man...

I wrote to a kindred-spirited feral female telling her that I thought this was the funniest line I've ever heard Pat say and her response to me was that not only could we be killers, but we want killers! I've thought about it, she's right. Her husband packs heat every time they go out...he believes it is his duty to protect her; that we don't live in a society that is civilized enough to let down your guard for a moment...a Southern man born and bred who fervently says that just because the South lost the War, doesn't mean I've changed my mind...he's interesting...

I've thought about my other female friends who chose the same types of mates. One had a child with a man who had distantly related aristocratic bloodline who says collectively of his family "they had a penchant for torture and impeccable table manners". I thought about how I've had to train myself to respect a man's power and step back a bit out of the light when he brings out those levels of feminity in me. How during a date I have learned to have my back to the room and allow him to view oncoming threats. Bed position is harder. I once read that a man's natural instinct is to sleep closest to the door to protect his family. It feels more natural for me to sleep on the left side of the bed. It feels submissive to allow my potential husband to sleep to my right--with me closer to his heartbeat, turning toward him in that direction, and presuming that he is righthanded, allowing him his dominant hand to touch me.

Maybe it's my choices of entertainment--the warrior spirit of the pugilistic arts, MI-5, decoded...maybe it all started with Honey West when I was little....maybe it's my secret wish to go to law school; maybe it's what I do for a living; maybe it is the spirit of the Hindu Goddess mother Durga that lives in a carved Balinese statue in my living room. Durga in Sanskrit means a fort, or a place which is difficult to overrun. Another meaning which literally translates into "the one who eliminates sufferings". Durga protects her devotees from the evils of the world and at the same time removes their miseries. A lofty goal.

I found the statue in an antique store and thought about it for a year. One day I woke up and thought that if it was still there, I was going to buy it...and I did. I'm not Hindu, but for those that are, they are frequently surprised to see it in my home and often ask me why I have it. I don't know the answer to that, but I knew it was meant to be mine. I had someone once ask me if it had been prayed over, because if it had been, it needed to be returned to a temple. I asked him how I would know, he told me I would feel it....I couldn't....

An alpha male--smarter than I am; stronger than I am--a better man than I am. It's what I need and nothing else will do....multi-faceted--part diamond, part coal. He has to have enough "street" in him to keep me warm, safe and protected and enough gentleman to know when it's appropriate to have which part of him show up when...I just wish it would be sooner than later....

Keeping Promises Made

Long story short to avoid “eff reading all that” - Been with wife for over 10 years, married for about 4. She's been feeling devoid of comfort and romance and me being a "good husband." I have never cheated on her and am very nice to her. It's something else. She wants effort, romance and some intangible stuff that does not come as second nature to me. I agree that I need to make these improvements and am really want to do right by her. Things I know I can do more: buy her flowers more often, plan things together more, cook for her more, clean up the house more. She is a neat freak and I always think that I have upped my game considerably and I am more clean then almost everyone I know around the house but am willing to take even more initiative to meet her standards. So lay it on me, explain to a romantic idiot the things that a woman needs and how to accomplish them. I will be taking notes and will report back - this is not a quick fix. And I know, if you have to ask, it's already too late, I'm a huge pussy, and I should end it now with a fine piece from XYZ’s collection (not). Thanks in advance for your comments.

Here's what a woman wants--nut shelled--she wants to FEEL cherished, protected and provided for.You cherish her when after a long day you tell her you’re the one doing the cooking, cleaning and taking care of her. This is her time off because you want to SHOW HER that you appreciate how hard SHE WORKS.Cook or take her out for her favorite meal, take her shoes off, massage her feet. Draw a bubble bath for her and bathe her. Shut off the lights, light candles and slow dance with her barefoot in the living room. LISTEN to her bitch or complain about something and here's the important part DO NOT TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM FOR HER unless she asks.

Men don't understand this, but a woman needs to verbally get it all out and all we really want is someone to listen--not to give advice, not to handle it for her--but just to listen--and no matter how much she needs to verbally get it out--no matter how many times she needs to "talk about it", just hold the garbage bucket in front of her and let her talk/toss it out until she’s done....She'll FEEL so much better and thank you for just being there.

Two more hints to a woman's heart. If you can afford it--take her on a one, two, three, surprise...we're taking one suitcase, we're leaving in 2 hours, going away for 3 days--all appointments cancelled. Have the kids taken care of; have your stuff already packed so you can help her do a grab-n-go. Not only will she love you for doing that, it will re-electrify the air with excitement of romance, sex and possibility....if you can throw in something adventurous that she's never done before like zip line through the jungles of Costa Rica--all the better...horseback ride on the beach...couples massages....

Have different kinds of sex with her--try tantric sex--where she sits straddling you, with you inside of her...you stare into each other's eyes without saying a word, you breath diametrically opposed breath--she breaths in, you breath out. delay your orgasm--this is about physical connection.Begin a fantasy journal with each other--you both write in it--you leave it in a place where you both can read it--you both write--you surprise each other with the fantasy--you write your feelings about the experience in the journal and whether or not you'd like do it again. Make it a nice leather bound book--make the book a gift...

Let me bottom line this, she's feeling bored and unappreciated--show her that you care by wooing her over and over--that's what she wants from you--the feeling that she had when your love was new--date her, seduce her with different experiences than she's having...If you normally have sex in the bedroom, have it somewhere else--ravage her with desire, take her out to a bar and role play that you don't know each other--watch other men come on to her and buy her drinks before you sweep in to seduce her--and get frisky in the car. While she's out spend a day re-doing the bedroom--buy new curtains, pillows, candles--spend the day washing ironing and putting them up so they don't have that awful new fabric smell. Keep the door to your bedroom closed until you can seduce her with the surprise of the change....Try a girly romantic look if she likes that or an Arabian nights theme with hot pinks or oranges and reds...feed each other with finger food on golden plates--right in the middle of the bed....light candles...share ONE GLASS of wine...raise the glass to her lips and let her drink while you stare at her...or "candy kiss" her with wine...Do you know what i mean? Put the wine in your mouth and as you kiss her transfer the wine from your mouth into hers.....listen to belly dancing music...be sensual...and what I mean by that is to use all five senses to seduce her...touch, sound, sight, smell and taste--she's wants the whole experience...and lucky you, she's asking YOU and not going out to find it in another man...In advance, you're welcome....

Oh, and by the way, while the seduction process is going on, it would be great if you used as few words as possible--let me give you the biological reasons to do so....you've heard of left-brained and right-brained dominance, correct? THINKING is left brained, FEELING is right brained...so if she's thinking about what you're saying to her, she's not FEELING what you're trying to accomplish....music is background and once you're heart's get pumping, she won't hear it anyway.....try to spend an hour looking at her, smiling at her, touching her, feeding her but not talking to her--trust me, she'll feel more connected than any words you could possibly say to her....

(my heartfelt responses were:)

1. I think R answered everything.

2. Good or bad we all fall into a routine, men and women alike. breaking up that routine is really what we're all after.

3. Crazy.I'm going through this with the wife of 22 years. I've been instinctively doing almost everything R is saying in the above post.
Very, very, very good for you....it warms my heart when I hear a man say 'instinctively"..I'm all smiles on this end of the keyboard...

4. Love has been completely renewed.I feel like a 22 year old kid again. She is also meeting EVERY need and desire I have. Absolutely amazing time in my life right now...

5. TTT. Thanks R. For the women who aren't whores, this is great stuff.

6. R - Holy fuck...great list! Will have to remember that if i ever take the plunge.
You don't need to be plunged to do this...when you find a woman who is rocking your world, this is the way to have her give you her heart....I don't really watch the bachelor/bachelorette series on TV--I think it's cruel to put a bunch of people together and have watch/know the object of their desire is out kissing and being emotionally intimate with other people that you're forced to live with and then hear the stories being shared--uggghh--but my point is there is a reason those dates take place doing varied exotic things in those locations--it's not for the prurience of good TV but it is the "experiential closeness" that breeds romantic love between two people. There's not a woman in the world who's every going to prefer a 2:00 pm first "date" over a cup of coffee at starbucks over a candle lit dinner. One holds all the sexual spark of a job interview (eye roll), the other has the promise of romance and seduction...

7. R, thank you. I consider all of the real women and the pretend women brothers as well. Truth be told, I am a '01er who is embarrassed to use my real account for this thread. I have a post graduate degree which I put to use directly for a couple of years and have been working with my family on our business for the past 4-5. She feels that I am taking the easy road and it has not paid off. We're in a lot of student loan debt and she feels that she has lost respect for me and that my drive to be successful and take care of her is all but gone. I get it. I have been really taking a chance with our business which is growing nicely but not providing enough money or stability to make either one of us secure. I have rededicated my efforts to find other full tie employment that I can feel good about and plan to participate in the business with whatever free time I have in addition to that. The job market is really tough these days especially for someone who's been in a family business for the past 4-5 years. I am taking all of the good advice to heart and actually did give her a foot massage the other day which I have never done. My parents divorced when I was 19 but were emotionally done with each other since I can remember and just stayed together because at the time money was very good and they thought it was better for the kids. So I never saw the kind of stuff that my wife expects and deserved growing up besides in movies. Also, I don't see any of my guy friends doing any better than me in this respect, so I need actual advice for someone with the best of intentions but who is somewhat romantically handicapped. I'm sure a lot of others could use the same advice. Thank you again and keep it coming.

8. Thanks for a woman's perspective.

9. You should check out Robert Greene's book Art of Seduction
I love this book! To all of you guys who wanted my love and support--thank you- it's nice to find my little pockets of appreciation--so big hugs to all of you.

Leigh and I have always been on polar opposites when it comes to relationships and what he fails to recognize is that as a married women she expects that the games he likes to play are far behind her. A woman who isn't cherished, appreciated or provided for will tire of the endless childishness of chasing and find a man who will give her what she needs without begging for it.Bottom line is that what you wife NEEDS from you is what I call an "intermittent girlfriend experience". She wants you to treat her like she's your girlfriend---BUT as a man you cannot give her a steady diet of this. Her heart--her loving experiences of you, her--thoughts and memories and sexual desire and experience MUST be deviated. Repetition in a marriage dulls it--and that is why you must change the places, scents, clothing and sexual scenarios. It is the changes/excitement that will keep her GLUED to you. No other man can possibly compare to the rush she has with you. There is even research (and the reason I mentioned the zip line in Costa Rica) that any adrenaline rushed experience--such as bungee jumping, her being frightened by a roller coaster ride, etc. all set off a chemical reaction that both increases attraction and sexual desire.

My recommendation is that around once per month she gets 'the surprise". If you guys keep "the secret fantasy" journal, you'll learn how to please her and to fulfill her without going too far astray--although I would encourage you to try new things that aren't in there--again, it's the element of surprise. I'm not sure of what your wife does for a living, but if you can get her time off without her knowing, it's all the better..."Baby, you're not going back to work after lunch...." dead hot...

10. Original Poster, listen to R, she knows what the hell she is talking about.

11. fabulous...i love you

love you too!

And one more thing--since you've mentioned money being tight--you don't need to spend a lot doing this...I'm on the east coast and we've had lots of crappy weather for weeks--if you're in snow take her outside at midnight with a thermos of hot cocoa and mini marshmallows...kiss her hands and draw her close...stare at the stars together...whisper her name into her ear...stay outside until you're both freezing....how many times in a woman's lifetime does a man stand in the snow and whisper her name?

12. Wow, I want everything that R has described!! Oh write poems and no do not copy one out of a book. Write a poem from your own thoughts. Girls like that kinda shit.

I'll give you all a couple more--for the single guys, a mixed bouquet of all white flowers. no red roses, pink is sweet, but the purity of all white will do something else to her....maybe it's the reminder of the possibility of a wedding bouquet...maybe it's the unsullied virginal color....but mixed white will take her breath away.... (just no daisies)

For my married original poster, surprise her with a reproduction of her wedding bouquet....it might be smaller due to finances, but bring your wedding picture to a local florist and have them put one together. She picked her flowers carefully...just like you...it'll mean the world to her...especially special on an anniversary....it tells her that you'd marry her all over again...

Surprise recommitment vows/ceremony is also wonderful...

Remember it's all about treating her like a girlfriend not a wife...and the surprises should also come at surprise times--I know I said about once per month, but that should also vary so she's not expecting it. Maybe two weeks in a row or wait 6 weeks....right now she's begging for connection...run your fingers through her hair while you're kissing her if you normally don't...

Wrap a beach towel around her, step into it and pulling the towel tight behind you so that she can't move--your bodies pressed against each other. This is especially hot if you're in a pool together...if it becomes more intimate, all the better, no one can see what the two of you are doing behind a pulled skin tight towel....

13. The wedding bouquet idea is very nice. Your suggestions and advice are helping me already. Gave another foot massage tonight for over an hour. I took her to a museum and a movie this weekend and we are working things out. Thank you. Don't stop.

Boys to men, lust to love and an open letter to FLH

My girlfriend Sandi told us a story about her fourth graders that I wanted to share.

The boys all go to the big table at the back to 'get away' from the girls. *eye roll here*I am wandering the room helping as needed and I hear from a group of 4 boys,"Hey you used giggle, I like that word." "Yeah, girls always giggle." "I know.""When girls giggle it sounds like music." "Yeah, like jingle bells or something." "I like it." "Me, too." "But, I think they giggle too much sometimes. Especially my sisters. Drives me crazy." "Uh huh, but don't you like to make them laugh?""Oh yeah, just to hear it."

This reminded me so much of hearing Marilu Henner tell the story of her then 4 year old saying that if he met a pretty girl he would ask her to dance. She asked him if it was all about a girl being pretty and what about her spirit? And he was adamant that his answer was no. She asked him how he knew that and he said he felt it in his body.

I’m smiling as I write this thinking about how I get chills every time I hear the line from the Counting Crows song “a long December” and the line that says “…the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls; then all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.” I don’t know if anything about a man feels more honest than that line.
One of the forums that I’m on had a man yesterday tell me that signed on from a different screen name because he was embarrassed that he would need to ask this question of how after ten years of marriage to keep his wife’s interest because he felt he was naturally lacking in romance and she asked him for that. What I told him was that was she was really looking for was an intermittent girlfriend experience. She wanted to still be treated like she was his girlfriend and not just his wife. I want to share those responses. The site is down, but as soon as it comes back up, I’ll post them here.

FLH, I’ve seen some video of you recently; your spirit looks broken and I thought I knew why. I read a few of the blogs you have written over the last several months and I think I was correct. It may be far too soon to see it, but you’ve received a gift in the loss of a woman who doesn’t want you. Ten years from now, you will still look at her with lust and longing, but something will change for you. What once were stellar qualities that you couldn’t live without will become something that you no longer see as something you could live with. This is going to be harsh to hear, but loosing her was entirely your doing. I saw what you did with her; it was different, but I saw what you did with me. You put up walls with her that you thought would be an attraction magnet that went too far. There is a difference in a PUA’s world between a slight little nudge like telling a woman that her smile is crooked and telling her that from the waist down she has the sex appeal of a fighter. Every woman has her insecurities over her looks. Every woman knows her imperfections but stabbing her at her most vulnerable place puts up a wall that no amount of kindness afterwards can ever get through. You broke a place in her (and me) of trust. And the truth is that sex for a woman is different than a man. She opens herself to envelope him. He becomes a part of her body. If you hurt her by insulting her how can you be surprised if she doesn’t emotionally or sexually let you in? You’re an alpha male/I’m an alpha female, I understand you. Aside from the “street” meaning of a bad ass top dog what an alpha really is, is a man who is half female in his thinking, actions and feelings or a woman who is half male in hers. Alpha's are sensitive and complex, we are the only one's who are leaders. Before I knew what an alpha was I used to sit in a room with 90 other people and watch how they all stopped what they were doing and listened when I spoke. I used to wonder what it was about me that had people in a room turn around and watch me as I walked into it. I always knew that I couldn't control it, and I always knew that it was gift that I wasn't sure of how to tap into. To be an alpha is really the most difficult of all relationship positions—only 5% of the world’s population is—and that includes both men and women. But those 5% are the only 5% that can and do change the world. You already know that by virtue of who you are. I’ll give you another statistic that was extrapolated for me. Based on those numbers there are only a mere 50K men throughout the United States that might have the potential to have been a partner for me. In my world a man has to be smarter and stronger than I am (and I’m no slouch) for me to feel sexual chemistry. Not all alpha females feel that way, but an alpha female will only acquiesce to an alpha male. It’s different for an alpha male. Alpha’s can have either lots of beta females to play with, or one alpha. It doesn’t translate for a woman. It’s an alpha male or no one.

I understand the pain you’re feeling of having done everything you could possibly do to win her and her answer to you was no. She needed a horse whisperer…someone to approach her softer than you did but strong in his masculinity. Telling a woman how effn hot she was repeatedly is the wrong way to approach her if what you want is courtship and a lifetime of her love. Begin with courtship, and you end with love. Asking a woman angrily the moment she walks through a door ‘what did you come back for?’ doesn’t work to begin a friendship or romance. Telling a woman afterwards that you’d treat her like a princess is too late. The damage is done. Having her accept tea from you when she was sick or calling you at 2 am was just a matter of using you—and she did it because she could. Understand that—she accepted what she did from you because she could ask for it knowing you would give it to her. Her truest feelings of distrust were already ingrained. I thought about that with you. I asked myself why you kissed me repeatedly…the only answer that made sense to me was that you did it, because you could.

My greatest wish for you is that this will change you through the maturation of growth; you claim that it has, but it is more organic than that; this shedding of your old soul to your new one won’t be complete until it stops hurting. You have a while yet to go to get through all of your growing pains. Everyone has “their last one”. The last time they fuck up a relationship by behaving self-admittedly like a 13 year old. I waited for you--I saw the 43 year old and I waited for him to show up. I waited for you to take me to dinner. My wish for you is that the next time you see that light within a woman that you’ll will have learned enough not to be ass and instead of putting up walls, to let her in. Every woman alive wants to be with a man that makes her feel safe and protected and cherished and provided for. Every woman wants a relationship that’s sane and makes sense for her life; the pushing and pulling is draining. You have so much to offer a woman if you learn to get out of your own way and to stop hurting people before they have an opportunity to hurt you. It’s self protective—I get it. I get you; I get how you show your love by the sacrifices you’re willing to make, the commitments you’re willing to keep, your unending endurance for not “a” woman, but that woman—who “light attached to” to feed you because you are instinctively unable to feed yourself. What you needed from the woman who glowed was appreciation, respect , and admiration. I get how a man lives for the opportunity to make a woman happy and only she can breathe life into you. She had to feed you with her joy of you or you died…she chose not to because what you offered her wasn’t enough—it wasn’t enough to get past the pain. And truth be told, what you offered me wasn’t enough for me either. I knew she had your heart, I had hoped yours might be open enough to let me in. I waited, but through your emails, you didn’t ask me for a date—what you asked me for an opportunity to “give” to you, while you gave me nothing. You are man enough to know that in order for a man to receive, he has to give. It was your right not to. I suppose you felt that you could ask knowing that I was drawn and wanted to know you. And I suppose that if I would have accepted your offer, your calorie expenditure would have been none, conserving your energy for the woman you really wanted. I wasn’t being crazy. I gave an opportunity without completely walking away. I gave you that opportunity by saying to you that I hoped you would treat me the way that you would want a man to treat your daughter when she came of age. What I was asking of you was to modify your behavior, because I liked you more than that, I gave you the chance to please ask me out instead of asking me to thrill you. I gave you a chance to find love with a woman who might have said yes. I knocked; you wouldn’t let me in. Another man at another time will see my light make me his Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.

Metaphysics, Psychics and Spirit

I would't ever call myself a psychic, but there is something that is tuned in to “something” out there in me. I believe that psychic can turn it on or off at will—I cannot. Sometimes there is a feeling…that I “know” and whatever "that” is, runs in the family. My mother had it, my father had it, my grandmother had it, and I believe to some extent my older brother has it—but not the younger one, although he would like to. I don't talk about it really because it is what it is and it happens when it does. It's something I can't control so I don't make a big deal out of it.

Maybe you can call it a series of coincidences, but I don’t think so…I’ll give you a couple of examples…there was a time that my father needed to go somewhere and was taking the company car. As he got to the parking lot something told him to go back and get his keys. Instead of going where he was supposed to, he drove home only to find my mom sitting outside. When he asked her what was wrong, she said that she had locked herself out of the house.
My mom once had a bad dream that my father’s cousin’s house was on fire. She woke my dad up to tell him and as she was telling the story, the phone rang and it was my father’s cousin telling my mom that her house was on fire…

When I was in 7th grade I was out with friends and something kept telling me all night long that I was going to get hit by a car if I wasn’t careful—and two streets from home…it happened.
I think that was the first time that I could remember that it happened—I was 12. There have been many times in my life that his occurred…typically a have voice that tells me to start packing when I haven’t even considered a move and within 6-9 months, I no longer live where I had.

A few weeks ago I had a guy help me re-organize my garage. I picked up a nut and said "I'm going to need this in 5 minutes". And within a few moments I came across something that indeed needed that nut to hold a screw in place. He was stunned and kept repeating "you said you were going to need this in five minutes!" I just sort of played it off without much reaction because it wasn't a big deal to me.

Frequently, I’ll think of some across the county and within moments to 24 hours there is contact between us—initiated by the other party. I call it "whispering their name into the wind".

Sometimes it a quiet voice that lives right at the top of my stomach where my ribs come together—I can point to it—that’s where it is in me. Other times there are gnawing thoughts of a person that don’t go away. And I know that I know that there are people who come into my life for reason. Sometimes the reason is for me; sometimes the reason is for them. In fact I have a man who I cannot stop thinking about. There is so much about him that swirls in me. Soon after I met him I had heard him speak and believed in that moment that he was on a path that would ultimately lead him to his suicide. He laughed it off and laughed at me for voicing it; but I still believe that I am correct.

I tried to shake him by giving his daughter a voice through me with words she isn’t old enough to say about her pain of losing him…he wasn’t ready to hear it. That was about a year and a half ago…I’ve heard he is now on antidepressants and chose not to spend last Christmas with his daughter. He’s not ready to hear; he doesn’t want me in his life. And if I step back outside of myself, it isn’t any of my business and it’s his choice to keep me distanced... and yet the gnawing at me about him doesn’t end…so there has to be a reason…I don't know what it is; I may never know...

When I was conceived, my mother couldn’t believe that she was pregnant—she couldn’t imagine how it could have happened…and yet there I was. When she was dying we talked about it and she said to me that she didn’t know how or why until she was so close to the end—but she told me then that she felt God had sent her an angel in me.

I’ve frequently wondered as I suppose like most of us what our purpose was to be here on Earth; I didn’t have the privilege of having my own children and I’ve wondered if it was for those moments in time where I was able to save to a life. There was the little two year old girl named Tracey who was choking on an ice cube. There was Linda who overdosed when we were 13…those moments when being there mattered…watershed moments that changed the direction of the universe for those people that I've helped.

I’ve never been a big believer in “the secret” and calling in what you want to manifest into your life; but I know that women are spiritual. Women are spiritual centers. It seems to be counterintuitive to say this, but spirituality is hardwired in a woman. I believe that sage elders in my religion knew this and that is why it is the obligation of a mother—not a father to give religious training to her child. And I guess that also harkens the memory I have of my mother telling me that she asked her father about how she would know when the right man came along.

Her father told her she’d just know…maybe that feeling lived inside of her stomach, too.

And so I wrote a few blogs back about how I felt that I had fucked up, the end of the road, the end of my parents genetic material…that it had survived for thousands of years. My doctor calls me genetically superior; for it’s sensitivities that kept me away from poisons; for the slower heartbeat that would have needed very little food to survive during lean times; for being able to wear fleece jacket all winter long and need little heat… And all I've thought of is my people burned at the stake, physical torture, famine, the black death, chilling winters, displaced from their homeland…my genetics survived to this place and time and I fucked up.

I’ve mourned this little death in me many times. When I got sick at 34 and saw a high risk pregnancy doctor who told me that I had little chance of having a full term healthy pregnancy, a part of me died that day…it was my birthright to have had a child... I died again when I had the greatest love of my life with a man who told me he had his children young and didn’t want any more. I died again when I went through my changes and was no longer fertile...and this coming birthday will mark the end of the possibility of implanting an embro.

My genetics survived for generations and I carry with me the endless sadness of never having met my children or grandchildren…no nieces, no nephews…I wrote about, put it out there…and I have to wonder if “it” once again was metaphysically calling to me for the last few weeks….because just yesterday my brother was on the other end of the phone…

He told me that a man came to meet him from several states away and very much out of the blue told him that he didn’t know how to tell my brother, but believes that my brother is his biological father. A result of a two-night stand in college 35 years ago…cheeks were swabbed…results to follow… and the possibility of genetics passed…

Sparkling bait and setting the hook properly…

JF came to me this week for advice on a man who is a doctor and 7 years her elder. Sparks flew between them this past summer, but JF was involved in another relationship. Her boyfriend broke up with her over some minor infraction which he blew out of proportion. My advice to JF on her boyfriend was not to take him back (as he asked the next day) but to explore other men while he needed to not only think about what he had done by breaking up with her, but to learn his lesson for all future women that may cross his path. On the day JF changed her facebook status to single, our hero M.D. ‘friended’ her and the text flirting began—with me as the third party.

Hero asked to see her when she was home from school—in essence to ‘hit him up’ and she asked me what to do. I told her that it wasn’t a good enough offer and that she should tell him that you’d love to see him but that that you really don't feel comfortable calling guys-- that it makes you feel like you’re chasing them and its uncomfortable for you. Say it exactly like that. You have to use “feeling” words.

Let him “tick-tock” and think about how to resolve that issue for you; he needs to figure out how to be in touch with you—not you with him.

He said he’ll take the reins lol and he said what he meant was that I should just let him know when I’ll be home so he can set something up. And then he said your parents won’t care that I’m much older?

Perfect! Manly response. Say that your parents trust that you will do the right thing for yourself. That lets him know that you love yourself more than you’ll ever love him and also thank him for respecting your parents being protective of you and that’s sweet that he thought of them.
(Now when you are getting ready to come home, about a week to 10 days beforehand tell him that you’ll be home between the dates of x and y and you’d love to see him. You have to give him enough time to remember to ask you out as well as plan something in advance. He has to look forward to seeing you so give him enough “man time” to think about you. Little to no notice will either lead you to a hang-out date or his unavailability to see you.)

He asked what I’m studying right now…tell him…men love it when they can teach you something…if you can use his help, ask for it; asking for help let’s them know there is room for them in your life.

He just asked me what I was studying and I told him poli sci—then he said ‘cool’…should I thank him?

No, you have nothing to respond to.

He just texted me and said ‘wild guess, you’re not with your boyfriend anymore?’ what do I say?

Tell him no, that although it was painful to say goodbye, ultimately you knew that he wasn’t the right man for you….and he’ll probably ask you what you’re looking for.

(Next text) oh my gosh you’re so good! He just asked me what I was looking for at this point in my life. What do I say?

Say that although you want to finish school that you’d like to be in a relationship that might ultimately lead to marriage and children.

I’m not saying that—it freaks me out.

You have to—then he begins to look at you as potential wife material and not a quick lay. It makes him think seriously about you—not that you’re a ‘right now’ hookup or party girl. And it also lets him know that you won’t put up with any player shit he may be contemplating. It’ll also make him wonder what kind of shit your boyfriend pulled and why you dumped him. Trust me he’s going to ask you what went wrong with him that you had to say goodbye to a one year plus relationship. He’s going to ask you that to figure out how to step up to the plate and to be a better man than the one you just left.

He just said to me, aren’t you 19?

Respond yes I am!

He said why settle down so early?

Right now he’s figuring out how cheaply he can have you. You have to show him that you’re marriage material or you’ll never get to girlfriend material—it shows him that you won’t settle for anything less than a man treating you that way. You must set your price high—not low.
Say to him that you aren’t settling down YET but that you know in your heart that although you are preparing for a career that nothing will ultimately make you happier than being a wife to a man you adore and having that man’s children.

Right now he’s fantasizing to try to figure out if you’d fit in his life…let him think about this for a few moments…

He said ‘I see’ what do I do now? He’s a cocky asshole.

Do nothing…he’s thinking. Either he’s going to show himself to be a player and fade away right now or he’s going to take you seriously. You must always tell a man that you’re looking for a long term committed relationship potentially leading to marriage or you become the right now girl, not the right one.

He said he totally gets it and that I sound really mature for my age.

Excellent—you just past the first test—now you’re not an easy lay. He may try again and again but now you’re different than the other girls who are throwing themselves at him. When he tries again—and he will, you will have to remind him that the two of you have already been all through this and he knows how you feel.

He just said to me ‘you’re still saving yourself, huh?’

Respond yes, of course. I can think of no greater gift to give my husband than knowing that he has every part of me—heart, body and soul.

He said very cool.

He’s considering the price he is going to have to pay to have you. As I said, you MUST set it high. Either he’ll step up to the plate to win you or he’ll consider the price too high, and fade away. This sounds like you’re being cockier than he is, but you’re not—you’re being sweet but not giving yourself to him easily. Other women will, but this sets you apart and makes you special. You have to keep him thinking. And now he knows that your boyfriend didn’t have ALL of you.

What do I say now?

Nothing, he’s “tick-tocking”—processing everything you just said to him…

He just said to me ‘that’s got to be somewhat difficult, no?”

Believe me he’s thinking about what your boyfriend did or didn’t do to cut the mustard and what he has to do to step it up…

Respond, of course, I’m an affectionate woman but it’s not a gift that I’m easily willing to part with. I hope you can understand my feelings on this.

He just said if I’m affectionate that when the day comes, I’ll be addicted…what do I say to that?

Say that you’re blushing at the thought but that the sharing of yourselves to each other is one of the greatest pleasures of marriage.

He just asked if I was super religious.

Say that your spirituality is important to you…(This is good, he’s mentally trying you on…)

You have to say those words to him exactly—your spirituality...
Right now we don’t know what his religion is and two years from now if/when he asks you to marry him you can tell him that you have always NEEDED to raise your children catholic, that you cannot imagine it any other way. Right now, if you mention Catholicism to him, his religion verses yours may be a deal breaker in his mind. If he falls deeply in love with you, he may be flexible in changing his religion to yours in order to have the privilege of making you his wife.
He just asked what my vices are.

Tell him laughing…that you love to laugh.

Really, do I say that?

Yes, he’s trying you on. He has lots of stress in his life. He needs to know that when he comes home after a long day of illness and unhappiness that he has a respite of joy being in your company and he needs to look forward to coming home to you. You NEED to bring happiness, beauty and meaning into his life.

He said that’s not a vice.

Just say lol that you don’t have any.

He said jeez.

Tell him that you have a happy life without any vices. JF he’s trying you on mentally—he needs a woman without vices to show off as his captured prize to his colleagues. You are a beautiful, virtuous, spiritual, vice-less woman—the perfect wife and mother.

(JF, These are the markings of a man who is seriously thinking about you by asking all of the right questions—not the usual ‘what’s up’ bullshit.)

Ok, but I feel like he’s so old…
he just said he can agree with what I just said about my lack of vices because his life is so awesome and he’s never bummed.

Say that sounds really wonderful.

Remember JF that this man is PRACTICE for you to learn how to respond femininely and ‘properly’. He may take you to Italy with him this summer or this may be one date but remember that THIS man can buy you a shore house for your parents…this man can afford to do the traveling that you want to. It’s not the men that you attract, but the one’s that you ultimately decide to keep in your life. The right man KNOWS that his responsibility is not only his wife, but the people/things she loves. He will do his best to make you happy—the old saying goes “happy wife, happy life” for a reason. A man in love will always work to make you happy—they live for it. Dr. Pat says that a masculine man will not “feed himself” you must feed him with your happiness and appreciation for what he does for you. She says a man cannot feed himself in this manner—you must feed him or he dies without it.

Ok but this is kinda scary.

Maybe this guy is ‘the one’ maybe he’s not. But this is teaching you how to behave to have a man be captured/captivated by wonderful you! No one is putting a ring on your finger anytime soon, yes? Bait your hook and reel him in. You may do a catch and release, or take him home—right now, it’s just practice…

Lovers and other Strangers

My girlfriends and I are out there single and floundering in the online dating world (ODW). Most of us feel that in today's ODW there is a such a struggle with our basic biological instinct to respect a man enough to let him choose whether or not to chase us, to allow a man the space to lead the courtship process and to remain feminine enough not to "out-man" or "be a better man" than the man we're beginning to converse with. We ask ourselves how to respond to a wink, a note of an indication of interest with no further follow-up, "what's up?" text messages or offers to "hang out". In a world where men's attention in a woman is as short as the next pretty picture on the list and a click of a mouse to the next hook up we ask ourselves can real or lasting intimacy happen?

My first answer would be a resounding yes. I have friends and family members that have met, married or are actively involved in long term relationships that began online....and then I remember Joshua and my lesson learned. I've heard that a full 40% of online men claiming to be single are actually married. I'm posting an instant messaged conversation between us that happened a couple of years ago.

him: Meet me at the E 49/Lex next Tuesday night at 8pm in the bar
him: Yes
me: hello
him: I am enchanted
me: I am too
me: I changed my profile tonight just little
him: Tell me how
me: talked more about my forever love and waking up spooned
him: Spooned after a night of lovemaking
me: optimally
me: but I love being held that way all of the time
me: it makes me feel safe and warm and protected
him: Our bodies enmeshed
me: yes
me: our bodies and our souls
him: Yes
me: I’ve missed you
him: Next Tuesday night
me: what?
him: Meet me at the E 49/Lex next Tuesday night at 8pm in the bar
me: honey I can't--I broke my ankle 3 weeks ago--I’m not ambulatory yet
him: Then I'll come to you
me: I’d love that
me: the place is a mess with boxes everywhere because I’m moving--but there's room for you to sit on the couch with me
me: if you'd like to
him: Yes I would
me: are you in NY or LA
him: London until Tuesday
me: London again---it all begins in London
him: And it all ends Tuesday night
me: does it end or just begin?
him: begin darling
me: there is something between us that doesn't go away
me: I’ve looked at your photo a million times
him: and what will you do with the real man
me: truthfully? I’ve wanted to cup your face in my hands and kiss you forever
him: I expect nothing less
me: lol
me: I’ve never known a man who has touched my soul the way that you have in the little bits of time we've written
me: and I don't think that it's instinct that you know how to love me
me: nothing would make me happier
him: Tuesday we will begin
(edited... i've left out some, ahem, far too personal things between us)
me: and Jeremiah?
him: My middle name
me: Ok thank you--I know it took you time to trust me enough to tell me
me: and I appreciate it
me: were you really a psychiatrist?
him: Yes
me: and you work now as a TV producer?
him: I'm now semi retired
me: how old are you really?
him: How old do you think I am?
me: lol
me: I think you're in your 50's
him: 45
me: k
me: why didn't you trust me enough to tell me the truth about you from the beginning?
him: What does it matter now?
me: because from the very beginning I fell in love with you
him: And love is always tested until it unfolds
me: and I had opened my heart, I wasn't sure of why you wouldn't open yours
him: Are you really ready for that
me: I know nothing about you except that I know that I want to know everything
him: Tuesday you will show me
me: have not shown you until this point?
him: When I take you in my arms it will be real
me: I’ve longed for that
him: Then you will show me
me: I had always thought that you were in another relationship
me: but perhaps unhappy
me: and that was why we had never me
thim: The time was not right. Will you be able to look ahead and not back?
me: yes, of course
him: Will you show me your love
me: I will
me: I will show you that if you want me, I’m ready to give you my heart and soul
him: I want all of you
me: I’m yours
him: How will you give yourself to me
me: will you tell me about your castle?
him: Tuesday
me: OK me: I’d love to see it through your eyes and watch you light up when you tell me
him: After we've loved each other completely
me: I’m not sure I could love you any more than I do right now
him: Tuesday we will surrender to that love
me: I surrender
me: you have won my love
him: I need all of it...heart...body and soul
him: I am yours
me: as I have been from the beginning of time
him: And I will love you deeply
me: nothing would make me happier
him: Make room in your bed for me
me: there has been room for you in our bed from the beginning
me: you sleep on my right side
him: I will sleep inside of you
me: I’d love that
me: inside of me loving you in a new place
me: not just my heart
him: yes
him: I need to please you
me: I know thatme: you will
him: how do you know
me: not sure of how to explain it but it's the way that I told you that I know you without knowing you
me: it's like you are a part of me that I’ve always known
him: but I am so many other things as well
him: you'll teach me
me: yes lover
me: and I’ll learn
him: In one week
me: one very long week
him: What will you wear
me: something that goes with a scar
me: yuk
him: I will kiss and caress it
me: awwww
him: what will you wear
me: not sure--what would you like me to wear
him: close your eyes and tell me
me: well, my fantasies go off in different places depending on how well we would know each other
me: but in a perfect world, it might be snowing and we're dancing slowly barefoot in the living room in front of a fire place
me: I’m wearing black silk
me: soft music
me: we longingly look into each other’s eyes without saying a word
me: and dance...me: champagne bubbles tickles our noses
me: you love my perfume
me: you undress me
me: caress me:
me: we lay on the rug in front of the fire place
me: fall deeper in love
me: I am yours in a way no man has ever had me
me: totally completely your woman
him: Tuesday night
me: lol
him: that's funny?
me: can you order the snow?
me: yes its funny
me: We don't need props
me: can't dance
me: non weight bearing for another 2 weeks
him: yes we will dance
me: I adore you for the thought
me: and your fantasy?
him: I don't need them anymore
me: why
him: because on Tuesday you will be mine
me: I am yours now
him: Tuesday it will be real
me: I’d love that him: I want the black satin
me: but you haven't seen me in other colors--I’m beautiful in winter white too
me: it's my favorite on me
me: I think I look like an angel when I wear it
him: I will undress my angel slowly
him: you will see the hunger in my eyes
me: I love the part of you that is a hunter
him: I am ready to take my prey
me: I promise not to run to quickly
him: good
me: it's funny that you called me an angel--my mom used to call me that
him: my angel
me: yes, her angel
me: now yours
him: email me I have to run
me: sleep tight

Josh and I never met that Tuesday, although every once in a while I note that he still looks at my profile.... It was a lesson learned not to listen to a man's words but to watch his actions. I've saved other IM's from him...maybe someday I'll post them. People ask me if I think he is a player; I don't. I believe that wherever he is, he is unhappy in a relationship and I'm a softer place for him to him to dream about than the life he's unwilling to change.

Epilogue: I did something that Tuesday night that I had never done before, nor after; but it was the only thing that felt right. I lit a candle and place it in the most east -facing window (which happened to be in my living room) and turned down the lights. I watched it burning hoping that it would light his way home to me and I sat on the couch leaving that space on my right side for him in my life and in my bed. Somewhere the relationship Gods must have been laughing....it snowed.

In the beginning...

When I was about ten years old, my mother began giving me what I called “lessons in womanhood”. I didn’t call it that at the time, but as I recounted those stories to my girlfriends in my 20’s and early 30’s, that was it came to be lovingly called. My mom knew she would die young—she said she “always knew”. Just after my thirteenth birthday, just as I began my cusp of womanhood, just as I began to understand what it meant to have had body change—and all of that attention, just as a rush of sexual hormones began coursing through my veins, just as girlfriends made way for boyfriends, just as I began writing poetry and understand my softness, just as I didn’t ever want to forget the first time a man kissed my hand, my make out sessions and hickeys, just when I needed them most of all; my lessons abruptly stopped.

My older brother headed toward college; my mother took a job working the 3 to 11 shift at the hospital…latch-key kid…I didn’t see her, I was mature for my age, but alone. I was left to fend, to navigate, to make painful mistake after mistake, without understanding the reasons; to want, to yearn for, to hope for more and to be what felt like romantically, unendingly alone.

What I felt was that I wanted men that didn’t want me and the men that wanted me, I didn’t want. That somewhere out there in the world, there had a man who knew, instinctively knew how to love me in a way that was the most meaningful to me. I didn’t find him. I didn’t marry or have offspring. I had children and grandchildren that I didn’t get to meet. That for thousands of years my ancestors knew how to meet, marry, mate and survive; feasts, famine, disease and war. With all of my education, I fucked that up. The end of the line—my genetic pool; survival of the fittest stops with me. I fucked up. Nothing breaks my heart more than that, I don’t know if anything ever will.

I always knew in my soul that what was wrong was that someone, somewhere didn’t teach me something that I should have been taught. More than a handful of years ago, I began my quest to understand where it began going sideways and what needed to be done, if anything. My education continues to evolve; but as I contemplate my own mortality, I began to question, could I pass on to my collective daughters the learned path, the wisdom that women held as true from the beginning of time? An education that I believe was sadly lost to a femininist-embracing society where women were taught they could have it all. That was a lie, they cannot. That is no less a fairy tale than knights on white steed’s and castles ever after. But there can be the happiest of fulfilled lives and loves and therefore I stand before you have chosen to continue my mother’s work and share these moments of inheriting womanhood.

My education would not have begun had it not been for a quest of mentors, teachers, and both men and women I have had the privilege to call friends. For the countless books read, groups, hours of conversation, laughter, tears and my unending process of research fueled only by the strength and courage of conviction that this the clarity from disillusionment is correct; that today, my beliefs allow me to stand on the shoulders and be carried by the men and women that have walked this path before me. I can only look forward if I look back.