Less Numb (continued)

When I think about him in relation to Pat’s teachings--that immoral affects the body, unethical affects property, illegal affects the law. Technically what he did to me was immoral--however it is my belief that he hurt me professionally so that would change for me into being unethical because it affected my ability to pay for and have property.

At the present time, that was the only example that I could think of that fit the one-of-three-reasons to end a relationship and I’m wondering if I have it inside of me to forgive that behavior to have love.

I’ve thought about that regarding FB—a man that I loved deeper than any other; the kind of irreplaceable love little girls are given to believe in through fairy tales.

I heard from FB over the holidays, and he let me know he was still unattached. I didn’t ask him. But knowing that lead me to question could I ever want him again the way that I had? Ultimately my answer with FB is no. While he was for many years everything I could have ever wanted in a man my wish list has evolved into something softer…quieter…a more peaceful day to day life than the need for excitement of an everyday roller coaster ride.

Forgiveness is choice; a matter of whether my yang (male energy) is going to rise up and protect my heart verses (as Pat says) choosing to either be right or loved. Sorry one moment and bitchy the next. Is there a graceful way I could find a balance between eff you for hurting me (sadness, anger, hurt, cold) and finding a place of peace and forgiveness and the love that I really want...

Perhaps this is not different to me than refining non-negotiable or otherwise reflecting out to the world that I choose to be in it. For example, in a particular site that I’m on, I have men choose to argue with me about my feelings rather than choose to learn to understand them--and all women by extension. One male online friend were chatting and I regretfully I sent him sample of a private message that was sent to me chock full of what I felt were inflammatory remarks specifically looking to begin an argument with me over my FEELINGS. I told the writer of the note that I wasn't inclined to be involved with a fight with him and if he continued to write to me that I would no longer respond. My buddy wrote to me a few days later telling me that he wasn't surprised that my "flamer" didn't write back. I told him that he did several times but I didn't pass on his (the flamer’s) emails to him (my buddy) because it reflected poorly on me--meaning that what was sent to me as a private message was passed on to someone it wasn’t intended for. There wasn't anything personal in the original message but I felt that it might leave him (my buddy) to someday wonder whether he as my friend could trust that HIS messages wouldn't be passed around. I made a choice; I chose NOT to be that woman.

I have a girlfriend liken this to tai chi.  She said in tai chi, that you are taught that when you hit a plateau nothing seems to be working. Every movement feels wrong in your body and you begin to think of quitting the practice because you don’t think you’ll ever get it right. She told me that she had to learn to applaud the plateau because just when you think it’s never going to be right, it is. You need to do what feels wrong, because you are taught that's how it's "supposed to be done", even though it doesn't feel natural or correct in your body...and then suddenly a new level of understanding opens up to you. 

Years ago when I was taking alot of yoga, my Yogi came over to me while I was sitting in a twisted position. He touched me said softly to me lift your left kidney. I thought "what?" and I looked at him. He knew what I was thinking and said to me "you don't know what I'm saying, but your body does". I took a breath into the pain, slightly lifted my ribcage and moved positions. He said ahhh, there, you did it. In time, every belief, every emotional position you are taught—in a moment of crystallization becomes obvious. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, what you needed was there all along.

But know, that as great as a breakthrough feels, you now have to start over again because what was learned is at a deeper and more meaning level. It is not linear, but a spiral of an ever evolving higher quality of relating.

I question always, if when I get to the root, will I find the cure? Or when I get to the root, will I find more dirt? And then I remember that every interaction is a opportunity for a learned experience--and the more painful, the bigger the life lesson.

Numb

One of my mentors (Pat Allen) says that unless you need to call a police officer because your partner has done something illegal; call a lawyer because of some unethical practice (which affects your things) or call a doctor because of something immoral (that affects your body) you should stay in a relationship; period. In fact, the ideal is to commit to the relationship instead of the person—because on both of your worst days, neither of you is worth being married to. She says that I must remember that if my partner is 51% valuable in my life—my life is better with him than without him on the worse day together, I should stay in the relationship. This is one of her core tenants.

Recently, I’ve begun thinking about another…that in peeled back layers of an examined life could I choose to be loved instead of being right? Could I be vulnerable enough to forgive a wrong that I believe fell into one of the categories of the above mentioned three unholy acts?

Pat says that if a man leaves and comes back to you after eight weeks you begin your relationship from the beginning, with a brand new track record of creating trustworthiness. Could I rebuild a relationship and act as if he hadn’t hurt me? Would have the courage to allow him to approach me and a relationship anew? Could I control my anger enough not to bitch slap him verbally or act out? I know that the real feeling underneath anger is hurt… Could I love him and not protect myself from being hurt so deeply by pushing him away if he approached me the second time around?

This moment of questioning is not truly about dating this one person per se but an outlook examining my part in this and my pain I would could only examine the incident from my viewpoint—being very much an alpha female and working hard to tame half and half of the masculine energy that resides in me. I question the feminine soul that lives in my heart; the woman that I am at my core knows to be feminine is to be receptive and appreciative and learn to give a man the benefit of the doubt. Could I be controlling enough of my own behavior to be available and respectful to a man that who hurt me? Could I accept fully that the man who stands before me today as one who should not be judged for the behavior he did a year ago?

I don't believe that this is an exercise in futility...as always, I am an ever self aware, evolving woman and questioning where it is appropriate or not to "draw a line in the sand". He has not made any attempt to contact me or come back into my life, but I’m questioning my ability to be vulnerable—THAT vulnerable to a man that might still hold a place in my heart verses not allowing him to be close enough to hurt me again.

Could I look past what was in my case it was a very public humiliation because he thought I had behaved in a way to purposely hurt him. There were huge crossed signals between us; how we interacted and perceived each other. I realize that the playful, sexual, come hither flirtations I promulgated upon him would not elicit the response that I wanted from him—to be noticed, to cared for and be under his protection. I understood my part and backed away wondering if he would chase; he did not. I had emasculated him and that triggered his wrath against me. He thought I was rejecting him; I thought he was asking for me sex and nothing else. It was inappropriate; it was over the top lashing out--however, I also believe on some level he had to hurt me as deeply and personally as he did in order to keep his tribe intact.

He was the alpha male and couldn't risk my having rejected him in front of the tribe...what I feel is his unethical behavior didn’t come about in a vacuum. I take responsibility for that because -- in his eyes -- I had disrespected him in front of his followers. The hard smack down was a normal, natural choice for a coarse man in a coarse land. The difference was at that time I would have never told anyone what transpired. I have since then and I don’t feel badly about it.

The feminine energy. Yin, as the Oriental’s call it. To choose to be living each moment in authentic femininity. Choosing to live within Yin-dom; it is an ever evolving process for me...you shed one layer and then there is another and one beneath that to be shed in its own time…

I just recently read about Pat telling someone to stop being nice. Is it not innately girly to play nice? It is sort of shocking when you think about it, as we're trying so hard to tame our "just below the surface" bitchiness. Alpha…coiled up, hissing, ready to strike or strike back.

Stop being nice. The incident Pat described was one in which a woman was doing some online dating and the person who showed up didn't look like their picture...Pat told her that she should have told him that although I appreciate your wanting to take the time to come and meet me, I feel that who you misrepresented yourself and I don't feel comfortable staying and then leave.

Would I feel THAT uncomfortable? Could I have the courage to do that? Could I be so in touch with my own discomfort that all social niceties could be that easily swept away leaving the barest of “ I feel xyz” and then to act only on those feelings? I understand this, I do. Pat using it an example of teaching a boundary; he had used the essence of the game of bait and switch. The lesson is having the courage to say I won’t allow you to take advantage of my time merely because you got me to come to meet you. I don’t owe you the gift my attention when you in essence lied to get me here. Bitchy…and men like it.

Walking On Water

Water; the elixir of the life force within us. How I’m drawn to the sound of it rippling, cool the feel of it’s movement between my fingers and on my feet. When it’s warm, I’m surrounded, surrendered. When it’s cool, it’s a comforting respite… the pushing and pulling of it’s force against me…the rushing of standing under a waterfall and feeling it barreling down on my skin.

Water; what I’ve gained from the experience of having given up all else.

Nineteen days, that’s my number. I’ve gone 19 days without food—just water. (Take that Bear Grylls!) Distilled, non-chlorinated spring water housed from the source in glass containers. Distilled water is the cleanest water that is available to me. Maybe if I were closer to a glacier I might find some with more purity.

During a fast, I drink between 8-12 glasses of water per day--but no more. My goal that fast was to attain 21 days food free days, but I threw off my electrolytes and had to begin re-feeding. My doctor had to immediate open up an IV bag and have me
s-l-o-w-l-y drink the liquid—it unexpectedly tasted like a combination of Tang and pickle juice.

I have my reasons for doing it. Fasting clears out all of the endogenous waste within the cellular walls of your body. Toxins are stored in your fat--the closer you are to minimal percentages of body fat the healthier you are. Fasting "cleans" you as quickly as possible.

Secondarily, by shutting down one of the body processes (digestion) your body amps up the other processes (i.e. the healing mechanisms). My doctor likens this to having all of the faucets in your house open at one time and less water pressure in all of them. If you shut off one faucet, the pressure works better in the rest of them.

Every time I’ve fasted, the experience has been slightly different. Every time I've ever fasted I've had symptoms of nausea and/or vomiting, and diarrhea. If you're not having any food in your system, you still have bowel evacuations because the lining in your stomach is still dying and cells are turning over. However, your bowel evacuations happen every couple of days.

Without solid food it's mostly water in, water out. The headaches, vomiting etc. are all a result of detoxification going on inside of your body. The worst day for me is always day two through day three—the 48 to 72 hour mark. That's my "I'm starving" day.

Once I pass that, the rest is comparatively easy. Yes, your tongue gets coated from the detoxification in your body and distilled water starts tasting horrible. I don’t usually have headaches, but I do know people that do from the detoxification of things they are allergic to or other foods they are eating like caffeinated products. Rapid heartbeat, and upon standing up everything goes dark for a few seconds, lots of sleep after a week or so, I get really cold...sometimes I've had a "healing crisis" and pain, other times I have not, weakness is part of the process. I’m not going to lie…it's not pleasurable to go through but what I get at the end of it is very much worth it.

The fast gives you back the energy in your body like you're 13 again; you know what real food tastes like. Can you remember being a kid and how intense flavors were? After a fast, the taste of oranges and grapefruit practically ring with intensity and any amount of sugar, salt or processed food (i.e. preservatives) in food is horrible tasting and you'll spit it out.

I had someone ask me if I’ve had the experience of relief from life’s worries or emotions during the “physiological rest”. I’ve never had what they called "more emotional balance" during or after a fast. But interestingly enough I did recently read a book on food addictions since a few weeks ago after I had listening to a psychologist on a podcast talk about people who crave wheat/carbs/sugar have a rarer N1 dopamine receptor in the brain and it basically has them drugged daily. By removing the wheat/carbohydrates/sugar changes their brain chemistry to a place where they are calmer and more emotionally balanced--and that takes 12-18 months of complete abstinence. I don’t know if I could do that. I tried once for about 10 days at which point I began craving foods that I had never eaten before—maybe it was the detoxifying; if I would have stayed the course longer, it would have dissipated.

OK, it would be a lie to say that I couldn’t do it, I just choose not to. I DO love pizza and it's practically impossible for me to give up a sesame bagel with light vegetable cream cheese on a Sunday morning…yummy.

But having said that, it is interesting to think about body types differently for just a moment. My doctor has actually called me "genetically superior" for having the genetics to easily store weight. Think about that. My ancestors went through frozen terrain most of the year...no food to be foraged, little if anything to be killed. Were it not for the fact that my family had enough reserves on their body to get us through the 'lean" times, we would have died out many generations ago. So I've been "blessed" with a body that gains weight easily and has bigger boobs than not (again, enough fat reserves to produce enough milk to feed an infant); is chemically sensitive so (would have stayed away from slightest bits of toxins such as those found in almond skins and garlic), has a naturally slow heartbeat--(burning calories at a slower rate to "conserve" life) and stayed healthy while "lesser" human subjects would have died off under similar circumstances. It's an interesting perspective...

But what I equally get out of fasting is the mastery of having done it. It's an amazing process of really understanding your baser animal self. Things that normally don't bother you as a scent, suddenly do--your sense of smell becomes animal-like because you haven't eaten. You can smell someone breaking lettuce downstairs...the smell of grapes from the next house if your windows are open...and once you begin to eat again food the taste of raw food is as intense as when you were little. It sounds difficult, but, truth be told, all you have to do is to put one foot in front of the other to make it happen. Big deal--two or three weeks without food--it's not all that hard.

Here in America with rare exception don't have the experience of knowing what it's like not to have food, a two week water fast gives you an appreciation outside of yourself for world hunger; what the Jews went through during WWII, famines in Africa, and although I'm not all that much of a tree hugger type, there is a perspective of dietary change positively affecting the world globally. There are even parts of oriental teachings that say that eating less leaves food for someone else who is hungry.

The fasting experience and the intense flavor of natural foods afterward will give you a better appreciation for the food that you do eat and learning that your body is a filter; you will always get out of it what you put into it. Spring is coming and I'm feeling a pull towards a cleansing and rebirth.

Walking Through Fire

I was thinking about the previous blog that I had made about spirituality and metaphysics. I remembered an experience I had doing a fire walk that I wanted to share. I didn’t have any intention of doing a fire walk, I didn’t even know it was on the menu of things I was supposed to do that weekend…but this is how it happened. My girlfriend Georgia called me to tell me about an event that was happening this coming weekend—it was $600.00 bucks and it was going to change my life—here’s the number, I have to run—buh-bye.

I kind of like the “go with the flow”, so I thought $600.00 bucks to change my life—I’m in. So I packed, picked up my mail, had a French manicure, French pedicure and off I went. I had a couple of hours before the event started so I went through my mail—including getting the packet for the weekend I had just embarked on. I opened it up, read the program and I saw “fire walk”.

My instant response was "I’m not doing that"…I just had a $35 dollar pedicure and I need to be in a pair of high heels Monday night for a meeting…and off I went. The conference started and some guy sat down next to me… They that the fire walk was at the beginning of the conference—first night—not at the end after having had a full weekend of “enlightenment”. He kept annoying me and pointing at me telling me that I was “walking” and I told him that "I didn’t think so"….more annoyance until finally I said to him, "what do you do for a living?" …I was pretty sure he was going to tell me he was a used car salesman…he turned out to be a nurse…I asked him "LPN or RN?" RN—right answer--I told him "he wasn’t going anywhere without me".

We’re taken outside in the cold November air to see pyre after pyre of 15 feet tall burning wood and coal. Billowing embers of burnt bits cascade and blow through air…I was worried that my hair would catch on fire just standing there; I’ll admit it, I’m scared. We went back inside for hours more of “life will never be the same” indoctrination and at 2 a.m. on Saturday morning, head back outside for the fire walk. Everyone takes off their shoes in honor of those that chose to find the courage inside of themselves to walk across 25 feet of red burning coals. We form lines; I push my buddy to go ahead of me and he does.

He does his fire walk and I’m still not sure that I’m walking that walk as I stand at the head of the line and then he and I lock eyes from 30 feet away--he on one side of the coals, me on the other. I had an instant focused moment of clarity…I asked myself if walking across the coals would mean that I could have saved my mother’s life by doing it, would I? And in that moment, I knew that my answer was yes, and I knew I was walking. I stepped onto the coals never removing my eyes from his—in the dark they were more yellow than any other color I could describe-- hypnotic yellow. I was about half way across the coals when the reality of what I was doing begin to sink in and I asked myself, what are you feeling? Warm, cozy warmth, not hot.

The next thing that I remembered was someone with a water hose spraying my feet and telling me to raise my arms over my head and jump with joy, that I had done it. I looked down at the water being sprayed onto my feet and when I looked up, he was gone. I looked for him for the rest of the weekend, but I didn’t find him.

I often say that people come into your life for a reason; sometimes the reason is for you, sometimes the reason is for them.

My mom worked in a hospital emergency room and by some intervention in a room full of 3000 people, somehow a guy who was a nurse showed up when my answer was "no". I’ve often wondered if I would have done it if would have told me he was an LPN. Would have had the same courage to go through with it? The answer is that I don't know.

My first real estate mentor taught me to force myself to do things that I didn’t want to do, and to force myself to do things that I was afraid of so that when a deal came across my desk with lots of zeros to the left of the decimal point I could handle them. So my fellow investors, MY pals would bungee jump, swim with sharks, and run joyfully toward life’s little craziness to build some stress tolerance and self mastery muscle. Cortisol and dopamine...

I wondered why I was meant to experience that, why I thought of my mother in that moment. ...

Little birds get pushed out of the nests whether they are ready to or not by their mothers in an ultimate act of faith that if called upon that their children can do anything…including soar.

She Told Me That She Had Lost Respect For Me....

Honey--please understand that you did NOTHING to have her loose respect for you. I fully understand that a man’s identity is defined by his work…and you are working every day towards being the man you not only want to be, but need to be. By virtue of your being her husband she is supposed to respect you. Respect, appreciate and admire. IF YOU don't get that from her, YOU are the one not having your needs met. Can you see it from this perspective? YOU didn't go out and get drunk, you didn't have affairs, you didn't kiss anyone, and you did not dump on your marriage. This is why I asked you to ask yourself what can you live with, what can't you live without? (Obviously, TODAY you can live with her having an emotional affair, but can you live without her NOT respecting that you are doing everything you can to improve your financial situation? Can you live without her giving herself heart, body and soul to you completely? ) You need to ask yourself these questions...

I understand where you're coming from having spent 10 years with this woman BUT she has just proven herself to be untrustworthy. And I’m advising you the same way I would advise my own family member to start over--but watch her very carefully. Commit to the relationship because right now you’re are starting from zero all over again...any trust you had in her is gone and rebuilding that is going to happen over time. I wouldn't ever say that a person doesn't deserve a second chance---but not a third.

You asked about the fantasy journaling; women may very well be more embarrassed than not telling you verbally what their fantasies are...but leave her alone with her journal, and in her own time she will open up a world of desire that you didn't even know existed in her. A few weeks ago I read "The Kosher Sutra". What I found fascinating was there was actually another man--besides Chris Rock--who KNOWS that a woman is far more sexual than a man...that her fantasies are far more vivid, far more giving of herself, far more adventurous in wanting to explore both of you than you could ever give her have imagined...

Since you are still looking for romantic gestures, I’ve thought about naming a star after her and going to the planetarium to find it...having black and white photographs done of the two of you together—hugging, kissing each other wrapped up just in a plain white sheet. Having rings engraved with a saying that means something to you both (the same ring--different sizes), make up a scrap book or object of memories of your life together. I have a tall footed cylinder vase with a top on it. (They are readily available everywhere-- you can buy them where you buy kitchen gadgets or even craft stores) that I keep what I call my sea treasures in. It’s not shaped like a treasure chest but in it I have all sorts of things that you might find in a treasure chest--as I LOVE the beach.

Instead of ending up with drawers full of faded tee-shirts, whenever I travel I try to bring something back that could go into the treasure chest—that way all of my mementoes are in one place. Among others, I have mardi gras beads that look like different sized pearls placed in gold colored sparkling sand, different sized coins that look like Spanish pieces-of eight in both gold and silver, sea shells and star fishes made of pretty art glass, paperweights that look like gemstones, a three inch gold alligator I bought in Florida, a necklace that looks like a running string of skulls and crossbones, and about a half dozen 1/2 inch carved amethyst fish--things that I’ve collected over a period of time and different vacations that I’ve bought go into the "treasure chest". It looks beautiful and everyone loves to ooh and ahh over those things all put together.

Do you have some things that she collects or memories of your time together? You can put them all together in a memory box of some sort to be displayed. You can also do an ongoing “love jar” filled with bits of paper...everyday write one thing that you love or appreciate about her and leave it in a jar...when she's not feeling particularly romanticized by you she can pull them out as she needs to and know that she is loved for who she is....but again, these are the kinds of things that would matter to me--she may have whole different set of things she likes and I feel you should ask her....

Obviously, I very much like the sensual. I like dancing so I might take a stripper's dance class--I took belly dancing lessons for lots of years--so that is in my repertoire. Emily likes naked yoga--and that is something you two could do together. I presumed since the two of you are married that there would be enough comfort with your bodies in front of each other that this wouldn't be an issue if you have a private yoga lesson. A nice warm bath afterwards soothing sore muscles could be a plus. One of my favorite books when I was doing Iyengar yoga years ago was a book of couple’s yoga--the pushing, pulling, stretching and connection are sexy... It's probably long out of print but if you can find it, it's called "Double Yoga" by Ganga White--and yes, they are clothed in it just in case you aren’t quite ready going natural.

Again, for me, I love the sensual so anything that titillates my senses in one way or another is romantic for me. New sights, new sounds, new touch--(think soft; silk, mink). (I’m blushing telling you this, but I've been naked in a mink coat.) New exotic smells, new experiences. Men don't typically like museums but women do so I might find something she might be interested in and spend a day learning...does she have an interest in cooking? You might take a class together. Kneed and bake bread together; make it playful--toss flour at her, squish the dough through her fingers...and always share what you've cooked; here's what I mean.

I once had dinner with a guy who was not a romantic interest but we knew each other as friends--neither of us were particularly hungry so we shared dinner together off of one plate. There we were in this nice restaurant in San Francisco overlooking the bridge, dimmed lights and eating off of one plate and I had to stop myself all night long from wanting to kiss him. There was something so primal about his sharing of HIS food, HIS plate with me and at that time I was a even a vegan vegetarian…we had meat and I joyfully ate it…primal, torn, fleshy meat, killed, cooked, shared…that moment was something that I have never forgotten and would love the experience of doing again.

And since you know that I love the science behind love and attraction, I’ll give you another reason for doing this...the testosterone that fuels both of your sex drives is found heavily in saliva....if she happens to get some of the juices from your mouth into hers by sharing the food, chances are pretty good that (fill in the blank.....wink).

I've had hot air balloon rides at dawn (cold)--but dusk is equally romantic with a champagne picnic afterwards--fruit, nuts, cheeses. If champagne isn't in the budget a lovely braqueto d’asti with chocolate, strawberries or raspberries. Moscato d'asti is good with cheeses, grapes crusty breads, pate. (Dessert wine is delish IF she's not going to rehab--lol.) Of course make the chocolates good chocolates (I ordered some Godiva yesterday so my mind is going there). Make her lingerie made of silk not some cheap polyester with lace that is so stiff it hurts...if you can afford it, French or Italian lingerie are to die for…but most of all, make it all fun.

In the meantime, something low budget I would suggest that the two of you share religious experiences together...go to whatever church the two of you belong to...again, sharing the experience is what is important to keep the glue between you. Spirituality is far more important to woman as a general rule then it is for men--and that is why--at least in my religion it is the woman who is responsible for her child's religious upbringing...not her husband...she might pick up some family values as a bonus... find a place where you both feel comfortable....it is one of the ways couples bond--through the shared experience of a higher reason for their being together.

Did you get married through a religious or civil ceremony? I know you aren't feeling like this is an example of romance, but it is--the marriages that I know of that are incredibly strong are ones that have this shared religious experience. I’m not even saying that you need to be of the same religion, but being together in a place of holiness binds your souls to one another--you and her standing before God and your community as a couple. I would not discount this out as a romantic experience to be shared...as she may have very few "married women" role models...but watching the other women be a part of a community with their husbands at their sides might be something that she is willing to emulate. Hold her hand through the service; you will feel connected.

I'm a big believer of marriage should entered in to from the perspective of choice-- "I choose you to be my lover every day for the rest of my life”. What I feel are great ideas may not rock her or her levels of love, lust or sensuality. I’m also a big believer that lust and sensuality is a two way street. Be mindful of that. She doesn't get to sit back and not bring anything to the table because you will feel exhausted for having over-given and gotten little to nothing in return--I just don't know what HER level of motivation is right now.

Emotional Affairs and Fear of Flying

As it turns out, the guy asking for my advice on how to be more romantic had a hidden agenda. He found out his wife has been having an emotional affair that progressed to kissing with a guy at work for the last three weeks and her levels of secrecy and drinking both have increased…his wanting to woo her to get her back began with her complaint as for an explanation of her attraction…her man at home isn’t paying enough attention to the romance that she feels she needs.

She’s packed her things to stay at her mother’s for a couple of weeks while she thinks things out…my advice to him is otherwise. When he asked, I told him that I thought the only options are counseling or change the locks--her choice...She needs to see who she's been, take responsibility for the hurt she caused or move on to a life with a man who deserves her (wink). This is not your fault. Even if you THINK you could have been more attentive she didn't tell u she needed that from you. She abandoned this relationship, not you. She doesn't have the right to be pulling any crap about how things are going to change and what time frame--sorry. But she doesn't. Do not back down on this and big claps for taking my advice, “manning up” to go talk to the guy. I knew she wouldn't be happy—tough--and that's why I told you to do it. I'd also be complaining to her about buying him the gift of an iPod--how dare she take money from YOUR HOUSEHOLD to buy a gift for another man? Find a way to ask for it back--you may not get it, but she needs to be taught there are consequences to her actions...She doesn't get to complain about your not having enough money and then spending it elsewhere. If she's still out of the house by tomorrow night tell her you're changing the locks by this weekend so she needs to take whatever else she needs out by then and you’re seeing an attorney--and seriously make an appointment. She doesn't get to pull the strings in your life. If you don't protect yourself right now, you're going to come home to a house without furniture and wiped out bank accounts...

Whether or not the two of you can get past this, I don’t know…I also know that’s not what you want to hear, but it all depends on whether both of you want to move past this or not--truthfully if she's drinking, she's not in her right mind and can't make a right decision. Women drink to numb their feelings—they are tired of the rumination of feeling and feeling and feeling. Men drink to wipe out their thinking and get to their feelings. But you can't wait for her to figure out if she wants to be with your or not and BEGIN to build a trustworthy track record again...she's continuing her UNTRUSTWORTHY track record and you have to not stand for waiting her out. Truthfully, I have such little tolerance for this kind of crap (and OK I'll admit that when you punch me I'm going find a way to punch you back) that I would probably send her a text saying that I was heading over to TJ MAXX or Wal-Mart or some other low budget place and ask how many suitcases did she think she would need you to buy to pack up all of her stuff, because this is a home, not a prison and if she doesn't want to be here every day for the rest of her life, you'll be available on Friday night from 7-10 to help you pack your stuff and leave...

I know that you’ve been with her for 10 years and thought you would be forever, but this is an opportunity for you to decide what you want and whether or not it’s O.K. for her to fly. This is what I would suggest— that you ask yourself what it is that you can live with and what is it that you can’t. Meaning that can you live with her now, knowing that she’s pulled some crap on the sanctity of your marriage? And is it that you cannot live without her respecting, admiring or appreciating everything that you do for her as her husband? What are your deal breakers? If she sleeps with him can you take her back? You must make sure that want you want to give to your partner is valued by them—if not, she doesn’t appreciate or respect you. What is it that you want to give—( joyfully), what is it that you want to receive ungrudgingly, joyfully, happily from your partner? If you love to surprise women and she hates surprises, both of you will end up unhappy—you for having not loved her ‘correctly’ and her being frustrated that you should know by now that she ‘hates’ that. Do you love a home cooked meal and she hates to cook? You’re not going to get what you want; does that make it a deal breaker? Do you give her the gift of a weekly nice clean car and that isn’t one of the things that is top priority on her “to do” list? That makes you undervalued in her eyes as a mate…you asked for my help, so this is the time for you to decide if you really want her back or you would rather move on to a mate who finds the way that you need to love meaningful to her.

Fear of Flying (part one)

My brother called me last night with surgery scheduled for him over the next couple of weeks to tell me of his final wishes should anything go wrong. I don’t have a problem with that or at least I didn't until he told me what he wanted done—which is called a Tibetan Sky burial— and his reasons for wanting it. My brother, a certifiable bad ass who trains with special ops forces, who’s been involved in martial arts since he was 9 or 10. (I still have the pictures of him in his first Gi, white belt and all.) My brother who has trained with guys who aren’t allowed into this country, who heads off to places without a way to contact him, has black belts in things I’ve never heard of, is apparently afraid of heights. He wants his remains soaring in the belly's of birds so that in his next life he isn’t afraid of heights...next life? wtf?

When I was 31, my mother died. She was my best friend and I really didn’t know how to deal with death or dying. I have a lot of shame about my behavior at that time. All that she wanted was to be with me; she told me that all that she wanted was to see my face. All that I wanted was to bury myself into work so that I didn’t feel the pain. She died without friends or family in a hospital bed at 3:30 in the morning—the anniversary was just 2 days ago. If it happened today, it would have been a different experience for her. I didn’t know how to do “death” better than I did back then. It was easier when my father died. Easier, because I know so much about medicine and I was able to ask the right questions to get the right answers. Easier, because I was older and had been through death before. Easier, because I knew I had done everything that could be done. Easier, because I opened the refrigerator and looked at the morphine and asked myself what i was saving it for. Easier, because he was home and I was there and I was able to say to him “dad, open your mouth, this is for pain” and he did. Twenty minutes later, he was gone. Anyone with half a brain can put 2 + 2 together and figure out why hospice care tells you repeatedly not to call an ambulance, not to call the police, not to call the hospital. You’re told over and over to only call the hospice physician because I believe that IF someone were to do an autopsy they would know that the death was caused by the medication and not the cancer itself. My mother worked in a hospital emergency room. One of her favorite expressions was that doctors buried their mistakes. They also take the high road of humanity—the act of being humane.

So this morning I went online to find out about the sky burial...here you have it...

Sky burial or ritual dissection was once a common practice in Tibet. A human corpse is cut into small pieces and placed on a mountaintop, exposing it to the elements and animals – especially to birds of prey. In one account, the leading mok cut off the limbs and hacked the body to pieces, handing each part to his assistants, who used rocks to pound the flesh and bones together to a pulp, which they mixed with tsampa (barley flour with tea and yak butter or milk) before the vultures were summoned to eat.

In several accounts, the flesh was stripped from the bones and given to vultures without further preparation; the bones then were broken up with sledgehammers, and usually mixed with tsampa before being given to the vultures. In another account, vultures were given the whole body. When only the bones remained, they were broken up with mallets, ground with tsampa, and given to crows and hawks that had waited until the vultures had departed.
More google research asked about how does one go about doing this in the U.S.?

Can you have a sky burial? In America, no. I remember a friend talking about how he’d love to be sky buried and even in places like Indian Reservations they don’t allow it anymore. And shipping a body out of the country is nearly impossible unless you have real good reason (i.e., someone from another country dies here will usually be sent back home, but only after a lot of things are done to them in order to protect people from diseases, and that basically would negate a sky burial.)
People have chosen me to carry out their wishes or do things because of my high level of ethics and integrity. I told him that I would do this, but it is not possible…I don’t think I’ll tell him prior to surgery… he doesn’t need to know that I need him here with me more than that.