What Is The Truth?

Michael hasn't written back this morning. I didn't expect him to; he's feeling badly about his behavior and I'm going to respect his space to process it.

I listened to a podcast by LH last night. It's been a long time since I've heard his voice. It's changed; his lecturing style has changed. He has 'up-talk' now; maybe he's been to some antiquated 'training the trainer' seminar that told him to end a sentence as if he were asking a question...popular 17 year ago...it was also peppered with OKs? and alright's? It's different, and it's back-peddled from the super-polished style he used to have. He's gone through some emotional upheaval in the last year; maybe he's more integrated as a man but regressed to a earlier emotional age.

I've never stopped thinking about him and how much I still believe that we would have been great together had the planets been aligned differently. I learned things about him last night...how much he knew about my side of the business, how that he had always said he hated my side, apparently he had a new found respect for investors need to be in the housing market (or he's lying and just smearing butter to line his wallet)...and he said he's wired to always tell someone exactly what he's thinking of them...ouch...I had always hoped that there was shock value hype to what he had said (lied) about me; but perhaps that is his percepted truth.

I've been chatting online with a few girls about dating. Someone had posted a relationship guru's list of do's and don'ts which were geared toward 'being friends' first and not engaging in romantic endeavors but suggested going out for pizza and bowling. I told her that his list had to have been written for 13 year old's. I received back some sarcastic comments that she would assure me that she wasn't 13 and couldn't see what was wrong with pizza and bowling and that she and I were very obviously looking for different men. I told her that I wasn't sure that it was different men as much as she should consider that she and I were looking for different relationship styles.

She wrote: So are you saying that dating is : * A sexual opportunity * What you do to impress others * A conquest ??I think he's trying to advocate not jumping in bed with the first guy that asks you to and to actually get to know a person. At least that's what I got out of it.

I responded: Anthropologically speaking, yes, dating is a potential opportunity to mate. That is the reason that people date ultimately is to pair-bond. Male animals bring food and other 'gifts' to females to impress them enough to have the female chose who she will mate with. His providing his gifts were the only opportunity he had to move his genetic material forward to future generations. It is his biological imperative. When a male of the human species takes a woman to dinner, he's impressing her with the fact that he can provide for her and his potential brood.

IF a man (takes you bowling or out for pizza) he has not proven himself worthy of having YOU as a potential mate. that is the reason that women look for a man who can cherish,  protect and provide. From the beginning of time, without a man's ability to protect you and your children, you died. Without his ability to provide for you and your children, you died. Without his cherishing you--WANTING to protect and provide, you and your children died.

Now you may say that you have the finances to protect provide and cherish your children without him, but the last 100 years hasn't changed our biological directive.

She responded: Anthropologically speaking - I think that's hogwash! I don't care if a guy takes me for pizza and/or bowling. I'm not looking at dollar signs. (Well, maybe a little, he has to be able to afford the pizza and bowling and not expect me to pay.) I'd rather go for pizza and enjoy myself than go to a 5 star restaurant just to have some guy try and impress me with his wallet. I don't get where food and gifts of pizza and bowling are not worthy.

I replied: Well, then perhaps, unlike me, you aren't looking for a covenant relationship. By the way, who said anything about a guy 'trying to impress you with his wallet' as cogent to 'NOT enjoying yourself'? Did you consider what you said? As an aside, you might want to consider reading Helen Fisher, PH.D. a lot of her work is like-kind material. Perhaps you won't consider it hogwash coming from her.

If pizza and bowling are worth your time as first dates, have at it. They aren't for me; it says 'as a man, I can't afford to treat you better'...accept or reject is Pat Allen's mantra; you would accept/ I would reject.

Another girl wrote: I'm from a humble background and I'm 46 years old. A pizza dinner would suit me just fine. If I wait for some man to give me better treatment  I'd be waiting a long damn time.

Fran, you are very helpful but sometimes I feel like you and I live on different planets. See, we don't all want the same type of person. My idea of a great partner isn't alpha enough for Fran and her idea of a great partner would bore me to tears. I'm gathering that you want someone similar to yourself, and very down to earth and fun - not merely what you think you can get.

I replied: I'm not sure if it's the same 'type of person' as much as the same type of relationship'.  Yes, I like my men on the far ends of the bell curve of alpha--because I'm an alpha--and he has to be able to out-alpha me.

The reason that you feel that you and I live on different planets is because I've lived the Pat Allen guide to androgenous realignment, dating and mating for longer than you have---there is growth that comes from knowing what you don't want, understanding when what a man offers isn't good enough verses taking any crumbs that he throws and at your feet and even as a single, filling out a relationship contract. When I first joined A's group and I read the kinds of things that I write about here--and all of those women's high standards, I felt much the same as you do...a great big 'give any guy a chance' and say yes, please and thank you to ANYTHING he offered. but truth be told, except for one--who is currently having her boyfriend cave and come out it with a pre-nup--everyone of them is married--and married well; to wealthy men that they couldn't be happier with.

Each set their standards of what they wanted and didn't settle. A. now has 2 kids, full time care, and her own office with 'no one touching her stuff' (on her single-gal relationship contract) no less than 4 weeks vacation per year, etc. She said no to dates that were 'walks in the park' and 'coffee dates', but 'yes' to cocktails with one guy while leaving him after an hour or so to have a late dinner with an other suitor--and let the best man win. Yes, she was engaged 4-5 times before the right one--but damn it--she was asked 4-5 times for her hand! The one engagaemnt that I was a ring-side witness to happened after knowing him for two weeks--I don't know the kind of magic that it takes to make that happen, but my mother always told me that her father told her, that when the right one comes along, you just know.

Pizza and bowling as an 'impression' first couple of dates are beta dates. Beta's either try to get themeselves an alpha female because they they need to be the feminine energy and want to be the one's who's feelings are cherished; or they will find an even more beta female because they know that it so little to make her happy.

I don't need five star restaurants all of the time--sometimes, there's nothing better than a half portion oriental salad at Applebee's...but I view those as comfort dates, not first impressions of 'will he or won't he make it past the first three dates'.  I'm not saying that 'let's stay in have pizza and a movie' night is a bad date-- sometime--but that's a date with an established boyfriend, not a date with a man who's trying to impress you. If you're impressed with a ten dollar pizza date, OK--no arguement from me, but I'm not.

One more womanl chimed in: that 'if you think you'd be waiting a long damn time' with that attitude about yourself, you're probably right! As for 'I feel like Fran and I live on different planets...this is also a matter of expectations and 'what we look for' in the world. It may be because Fran and I are older (and east coasters?), that we expect more of men that you younger women -- and esp. you California girls! (Yes, the ten years older I am than you makes a difference! {wink}) I, too, used to be astonished at some of the girls' standards. I'm still kinda astonished, and yet she was a relationship coach, who really knew her stuff (way WAY more femme than I managed, back then! Tee hee hee!) She did a lot to explain to me where my Yang/masculine views were tripping me up!

And yet, having a high standard -- expecting that a man will buy you dinner and not just coffee; holding yourself (SEEING yourself!!!) as worth more than a pizza dinner creates that in your life. You have a history (here, at least) of worrying about "men" being able to buy you dinner, and worrying about their funds, and ... just generally mommying them rather than expecting THEM to take care of you!

You might do well to work on EXPECTING men to buy you dinner, on seeing yourself as NOT a cheap date: you needn't be an *expensive* date -- but you seem as if you're thinking 'ooh, I don't want him
thinking I'm a golddigger, so I'll accept the very, very least he is willing to give. And tyhen try to 'pay him back' by buying him food too.' " And, so, the men you draw into yours life are poor or cheap!

Fran (and I) have reached the stage in our ... awakening... where we know we're worth a helluva a lot! A man has to work to prove himself worthy of me. (Yes, even fat, old, and a bit abrasive... I'm still a helluva prize!) *I* am not willing to settle for some guy who isn't truly (TRULY) adding to my life!! And he has to add to it with finances as well! Not that I'm a golddigger, but if he doesn't add (a lot) to my life, I don't have time for him (except as a friend). And yes, in the long-run,I prefer a pizza dinner to getting all
dressed up for a fancier dinner. But dating -- and more importantly COURTING -- is where the man is showing you that he can and will provide! He is "peacocking" because that's what makes his worth your
time! If a man's first offer of dinner is pizza, I will go, but I will be leery of his ability to 'take me on.'
If you keep thinking, "well, I'll accept ANY kind of treatment so long as he takes me out" -- the men you'll attract will be the type of men who don't think that their evening is graced and improved by the beauty and meaning you've brought to it! Michael used to STRESS that 'all your girls' need to understand that the man is PAYING for the chance to be with a gracious attentive woman (you know, a yin: receptive, available, respectful?) ALL the payment he gets is your charming presence -- and that IS worth money to a man!

Married...Hello and Goodbye

It's been one crisis after another since April and I've been lax at writing here, but I've spent about the last 14 hours crying on and off, and now, more than anywhere else, I need to be here. A couple of months ago I made what I thought was a new online friend and yesterday, he said goodbye. Michael and I met on a site where we share a common interest--I was getting tickets to a mixed martial arts fight for free and thought I'd take someone along whom I didn't know, just for the fun of paying it forward. I started a thread on the site asking for 'reasons why I should be taking you along'. He offered me dinner in Atlantic City and a box of chocolates. I thought now there's a man who knows how to make a woman happy...you're in, done....

I have a gift that I wished that I knew how to harness and that is that people tell me things; they trust me with their secrets. When I was working, I always knew who was getting an office, loosing and office, getting fired, or getting promoted. Once, I actually had my best girlfriend at work ask me if I would tell her the truth as to whether I was sleeping with the boss or not because of how much I knew of the day to day office politics...I wasn't. But it's always been that way for me and I do keep secrets.

When I began seeing my current doctor, my first visit was talking, my second visit was my examination. I brought my diaphragm with me because it was time to have it checked for size and placement and he stared at it for a long time...all that I could think of was oh no, is there a hole in it? After what felt like an eternity, he said to me 'you know I can't convince my wife' I said 'excuse me?' He said 'I can't convince my wife to go on birth control...I guess she's far less worried about her being pregnant than I am'. Wow, why would someone that I didn't know at all tell me something so personal? Which brings me to Kiran. I took the scooter to the pool to get my very few last moments of summer sun after loosing so much of it; Kiran came and sat with me.

I had known of her arranged marriage in India and her struggles with a not quite wrong but not quite right neurologically challenged husband and child, but what I didn't know was of her affair with the guy down the street. He was another difficult choice to make or not. He wanted her to leave her husband for him and they fought; he wanted her full time, she wanted what was best at this juncture for her children...but I learned something from her and that was her vulnerability with the guy down the street when they argued.

For me, writing has always been solace. When I couldn't say the words that were in my heart, I could always write. I began writing poetry at 13; honors classes in English in high school, the highest grade in the incoming freshman class in college. Writing was easy...a place to take the time to collect my thoughts...a place to relate; but also an understanding of the very real differences in vulnerabilities and intimacy between relating and relationships. When Kiran told me of her on going conversations with the new guy,  I told her that she was far more evolved than I was in verbalizing what was in her heart. I get hurt, I shut down, I hold it in...no one ever knows.

And that brings me to yesterday. I've only been out of a cast for about 3 weeks. I have a plate and 8 screws holding my right ankle together. Last week I noticed a roof leak in the garage that has already started to grow black mold. I can't get up on a ladder, I'm scared that my ankle hasn't healed enough. Michael offered to come up from Delaware, but I didn't hear from him. And tomorrow night, I'm having a cocktail party for all of my friends to say thank you for those who helped me with my crutches to get around to the doctors, the back and forth to the hospital and grocery shopping. I had another suitor who I could have asked to come, but I chose Michael to be there instead. It had been really nice writing with him a few times per day. It always made me smile when I saw that I had mail from him. There was, what I thougth was a level of honesty and vulnerability that I had the courage to share with him, and he with me. Until he told me that he had been dreading telling me that he was married. He asked me if it made a difference in our relationship. I thought about it, and yes, it did. What changed was the possibility of maybe. That maybe he might be the right guy; maybe there was a chance that he might be a primary relationship in my life. I'm lonely and I liked him well enough. Maybe.

I've had long term friendships with married men before. It wasn't a big deal. There wasn't any attraction for me. Their marriages were separate and aside from whatever our relationship was. There was Myron, and our shared love of sailing and we were in the same field, I was far younger and he was far older...he mentored me and gave me some gifts whereby I wouldn't be who I am today, without. We were friends for over 20 years....There was Richard the chiropractor who would have liked more of a friends with benefits situation with me, but he's a ginger and not all someone that I would be attracted to let alone the crazy conversations he would wake me up to have with me. He'd call me early mornings, and discuss his conspiracy theories of the federal reserve, 9/11...lol...I just thought he was an intense guy who's mind was always racing...who knew that was his mating call? I'll admit that sometimes I can be oblivious to a man's interest...

But that brings me back to Michael. He's cancelled on me 3 times this week. He told me that I had asked him something last week that had him take a long hard look in the mirror and he didn't like the man that he saw looking back at him. I'd like to say that there are downsides to openness and vulnerability; but I can't say that when it's all said a done, that an unexamined self awareness is something to be proud of. I guess I did a good thing for his marriage, but I lost a friend. I keep wondering what he thought would happen between us. Did he think I'd be a fun hook up that he might talk about and remember fondly or just high-fiveing with his friends about having 'hit it and quit it'? Did he think this would go on longer term and I'd be OK with his having two women in his life? How could he not know that although I couldn't always say this about myself, that today I'm ready to have the right man come into my life; I'm ready if all goes well and the tide doesn't rise, to be wife; and a man who's married isn't available, he already has one. Is cheating in his head so prevalent that it's the norm?

It ended between Michael and I yesterday when he said to me that sometime he'd like to come up, take me to lunch, bring a box of Godiva and include a foot massage...damn him for knowing that I'd love that. He asked me to forgive him and told me that he hadn't intended to lead me on. I responded that he hadn't until that moment...that telling me that he'd show up someday was social noise that I knew would never happen.

Coming to my home town and sharing a meal was no different then the time we would have spent together next month that he had just cancelled on me. He told me he'd like to stay friends...(I fell into my comfort zone of shutting down;) didn't say so to him, but he had already told me 3 times this week by cancelling, that he wouldn't. There isn't anything left to say.

I saw my regular doctor yesterday...yeah, Mr. 'Wishing my wife had a diaphram'...he's had another two kids since I've known him. We've been together now for 20 years. He's been my constant port in a storm...equivalently, the brightest man I've ever known...and I was engaged to a neurosurgeon. I've been to parties at his house, I have his cell number...I had a warmth and affection for him...I thought he would always be there. After my visit, I went to the front desk to make my appointment for 3 months from now and his receptionist told me that he was only working until the end of the year...he was taking a 3 year sabbatical...he didn't tell me; I don't know if I'll ever see him again; he didn't say goodbye.

Heart's On Fire

Hi Fran. Oh gosh, so I guess you are spending a lot of time at home on the internet since you can't get out! Well, maybe this will help pass the time! (tee hee!)

You know, I'm having some guilt about this, but I am just not feeling comfortable talking to E right now. I'm sure she's told you she's a bit like an adopted mother to me (I don't currently have a relationship with my mother). But E can be really harsh in the way she says things and I have been finding that over the last couple years I have been less and less able to handle that harshness. I don't know if it has anything to do with my own softening process but it seems like whenever I talk to her I have to turn into a raging maniac to deal with her and "do battle" with her, and lately I just don't want to go there. It just takes too much energy out of me and I can't remain in a feminine frame of mind when talking to her. I'm really pissed at M for dying because he was always the calm voice of reason of the two of them and I'm just not sure that I'll be able to talk to her with M there to interpret. Anyway, I hadn't been on the board for a very long time and I got back on specifically so that I wouldn't burden E with my stuff while she is dealing with her own grief. That long tirade she laid on me was very defeating for me and made me feel like a complete failure. I felt completely broken down and I was crying for days afterwards. You have always had a softer approach that I have always liked and appreciated and that's why I wanted to talk to you.

Well, first I wanted you to know that you were right about J, if I never told you. He did have a solid head on his shoulders, for the most part. It was just that we were really not a good match in the end. I think a lot of what happened was that we saw some major compatibilities in significant areas and were so blown away by it that we didn't stop to look at the little things (and a couple big things) that could (and did) really undermine the relationship. I guess it's a good thing that the marriage only lasted about a year and a half - the whole relationship lasted about 3.5 yrs.

So I moved out from J at the end of last year (12/31 actually!) and had been moping around by myself for the first few months. Then at the beginning of May I had kind of an epiphany and decided I would just focus on being present and finding joy in every day. For about a month I was on a really good streak of feeling great and getting a lot done, both personally at home and professionally. Business picked up and I was feeling really sucessful. And for the first time in my adult life I was without a man BY CHOICE and I was really happy being by myself.

I posted that long-ass post about how things went with us and you can always re-read so I won't rehash it all but here are a couple of points I don't know if I made before:

Then I ran into B was reintroduced to him and I felt like when he asked me out something jumped out of my chest and hooked up with him. I have never felt anything like that before and we had an immediate connection that was very intense and moved very quickly. He kept talking about how much he liked me and how much it scared him. He shared a lot with me about his past relationships and told me a couple things that he said nobody else knew. I believe he was being sincere. I've had the opportunity to talk with a couple of his friends and one of them made a statement that implied it has taken B a long time to mature. Another friend, though (one I am becoming better friends with) said that B is very skittish and is very concerned about his freedom/independence so I shouldn't push him at all.

So anyway, it's been three weeks since I've heard from him but here's what has happened in the last week and a half or so. I started getting "group" emails from him, where I was bcc'd on a list. I got them from him occasionally while we were seeing each other, but a lot of them were political in nature. I hadn't gotten anything in a while. Then almost two weeks after I last heard from him I suddenly received a "group" email, some stupid video on youtube. My first thought was that he had probably added me to a big group of recipients while we were seeing each other and forgot that I was included and probably didn't even realize he was sending them to me. Then a few days later, another email with a link to an article that published several journal entries from a woman who lived with her husband on a schooner in the 30's. Then a few days later I got one of those chain emails, you know, where there's a bunch of lovey-dovey sayings "people love you," "you have friends," etc. and it asks you to forward the email to 8 other people including the sender and something wonderful will happen. Well, my policy is that I never forward those things and besides I usually don't have the number of recipients they call for so I usually just delete them, which I did with this one.

But then later I started thinking, and I don't know if this is just my female brain trying to read into things and find a hidden message or something stupid like that. But I started wondering, maybe he was deliberately including me to see if I would respond. Maybe he is testing the waters, especially with that last one, to see if I would send it back to him. And then I started to get scared that if I didn't send it back that I was missing out on my chance to reconnect and he would give up for good. Oh my god, the brain can just torture me sometimes, you know?
I talked to a guy friend last night who said to totally ignore him, that yes, if he really wanted to get in touch with me directly, he could and would. And I think he's right.

I still miss him terribly and I do think my feelings for him are genuine, because I still have strong feelings for him even though a lot of the other stuff has faded away (all the lusty stuff and the total swoony stuff - I'm not sure how to describe it). But after having some time to de-oxy and get some perspective I can see how I was expecting a lot from him and it was putting pressure on him. I didn't think at the time it was unreasonable because I was in it and I was mainlining oxy and just wanted my next fix. But I think now that if we had the chance to try it again it would be a little easier for me to be more casual about it and not be so fixated on what I was and wasn't getting from him. I would want to focus more on developing a friendship.

I've been having urges over the last couple days to text him or something and just say " I was expecting too much" or something like that. This is the first time that I have been inclined to go back and give a relationship another try - usually when things fall apart, after spending some time away I totally detach and can't understand why I was ever attracted to the guy, but so far with this one, that hasn't been happening. I do feel like something is different about this one.

What do I do? Just wait it out the full 8 weeks? He still has my stuff - those pieces of that collection of stuff I wanted to sell. Do I contact him about that? Do I drop a hint to his friend (who, incidentally played a part in us getting together - she was playing a bit of matchmaker and told him something I had said) and see if it gets anywhere? Do I maintain total radio silence and see if he just shows up eventually?

I am still really concerned about the possibility of screwing things up again, as it seems I continually do, but I really do think I want to give it another try. I know that I need to find happiness on my own, but I also can't ignore the happiness I felt when I was with him. I'm pretty confused right now. And it probably doesn't help that I'm starting my period so I'm not thinking very straight and my emotions are all over the place! :-P

hugs,
S
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Hi Sweety...this is easy...don't do anything until the 8 weeks are up. It doesn't matter if it took him a long time to mature--he's there now; or even if he's running from you because he's feeling a noose tightening around his neck and every bone in his body is telling him to run fast, run far and don't look back. Eventually, if he feels that having you in his life is better than not having you in his life, he'll come back.

But I do have a question...do you really want to be getting the crazy group emails from him? Or, would it be easier for you if you just blocked them? I wouldn't over-think your being placed on the list--it doesn't mean anything to men that you are there. I once had to beg a guy and his partner for about 8 months to remove me from their mailing lists because it meant nothing one way or the other to them PERSONALLY. It was just business to have more names on their list than not.

Your friend is correct, if your fireman wanted to be in contact, he would and you MUST allow him the space to miss you or he will never feel that it was his decision to claim you, chase you, and capture you. Masculine men have that 'competition' thing. Pat calls it their need to compete, conquer and control. And the truth be told, by staying away from him, you're giving him that gift...of figuring out that he really wants you. it may be that the timing is wrong and he needs to stay away for longer than 8 weeks, but eventually, if you're the right woman, he'll be back.

Can you wait out the full 8 weeks before you sell the collection? 8 weeks is a perfect time to drop a hanky. If not, do you have someone who can pick the stuff up for you? Then he doesn't get his 'fix' of seeing you while he's still figuring out whether or not he needs you in his life.

xxx
F

Soul Gifts

J. One more thing I forgot to mention yesterday. I don’t know if we’ve ever talked about receiving ‘soul gifts’ from a man, but we should.

You can always ask a man for things…to buy you a house, a piece of jewelry or a couch, but what you can’t ask him for are gifts from his soul…he must choose to give them to you when it’s appropriate for him and when he has mustered up the courage to do so. Soul gifts include asking him for anything that is more, better or different than what he offers you. Soul gifts are asking him for more time, space, a direct commitment or sex. IF you ask him for any of the above, you are in effect emasculating him and either treating him like a child and asking him to do what you want him to do or asking that he change his energy from his masculine hunter—to feminine energy by receiving masculine energy from you—‘I want’ is masculine, ‘I don’t want’ is feminine.

So for example, you cannot ask a man to spend more time with you—‘I know you want to go out with your friends Saturday night, but I’ve only seen you once this week’. You cannot ask a man to spend the night making love with you. You cannot ask a man to pick you to love. Masculine energy moves toward a woman, feminine energy receives from a man. If you move toward him, you block him from coming to you which is what every man needs to do to win a woman’s heart, attention and affection.

By asking a man for a soul gift, you have in effect told him that you are unhappy with him…what he has offered you isn’t enough…and a man will always gravitate toward a woman he KNOWS he can make happy and away from a woman he can’t. Eventually, because of the bitching you did over the little things will cause him give up trying and say to you that you deserve a better man than the one I can be for you. You will have broken his spirit. I believe this is part of the reason A. is angry with you right now and lashing out on facebook. He offered you his love when you were sitting on the couch, you asked him to make it more special. He told you that he loved you every day; he told you that if it weren’t for your rules, you would be together. His pressuring you for sex afterwards was his needing to conquer you. He needed to know that he could win you away from another man and that your loosening your resolve of your natural virtuous nature would be the proof he needed that you were his. Again, a man NEEDS to conquer, compete and control his world.

I know that you are angry with the woman he had relations with, but calling her a slut reflects poorly on you—not her. It’s displaced anger. And I absolutely realize that ‘girl code’ in a perfect world would have stopped her from doing what she did. It was A.’s choice to sleep with her and that is where your anger should be directed not some crazy Jerry Springer cat fight. You don’t have a relationship with her, she didn’t have to honor your friendship above her choosing to sleep with him…and truth be told, you don’t have the right to ask that of any woman.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that there was a time in my life when I would have chosen girl code honor and loyalty above any guy. I’m not sure that I feel that way any longer…why should I give up my chance for happiness and romantic love over a girlfriend? She won’t be the one keeping me warm at night, building a future with me, or holding my hand when I come out of surgery. A husband will do that, not a girlfriend. A. was no longer your boyfriend; he had every right to sleep with whomever he wanted.

But it is now your job to remain light, breezy and above the fray. As a woman who is available you should be out dating, but keeping your casual affairs private. It’s not any man’s business to see you with another man in a photo on your facebook page. It’s not another man’s business to see who you were talking to when or who the object of your affections are—even if they are friendship related or fleeting. It isn’t appropriate until you are engaged—then joyfully announce it to the entire world.

There is no saying on your status how much you love talking to or being with D. That will always be construed in a man’s mind that you are having a physical relationship with him. Every man feels in his gut that woman and men cannot be friends—every man feels that there is always sexual interest on the man’s part; he’s just waiting for the moment that she says yes. Your facebook status should show you in a happy, happy, joy, joy place without naming names or events. Part of a woman’s allure is a little mystery. Your status should reflect this by using verbiage such as ‘It was a wonderful day…right now, I couldn’t be happier’. ‘Summer is here, and all is right with the world’. ‘Sun, sand, wind, water, smiles…my soul is at peace’. Today was filled with lots of giggles, I’m still smiling as I write this’. That will keep A. wondering why you life is just fine without him in it. It keeps him questioning who you’re with and what you’re doing when you’re not with him and why you’re so damn happy.

I do want to jump back for a moment and discuss asking for commitment as a soul gift because I said that you cannot ask a man directly for a commitment even when you are ready for one. Typically relationships go through a series of phases within a year—the last 3 months are the commitment phase. It is at that point that a man has gone through his seeing you as perfect, the next three the chinks in your armor begin to show and you’re not as perfect but he loves your quirks and can accept you as human instead of a goddess, the next three month he begins to question whether or not you might be the right woman to commit to and the last three are the negotiation phase where you come down from the love cloud and really begin to negotiate your lives together. At that point he’ll begin to question with you how many children do you see yourself having, where you would live together, etc.

IF, however, you are ready to make a commitment to be engaged and he has not had this conversation with you, you simply tell him that you have loved spending the last year of your life loving him and that you dream of being his wife but that you will only stay for as long as you can without a commitment from him. Nothing will make you happier than being a wife and mother, but if he cannot make a lifelong commitment to you that you owe it to yourself to find a man that will make your dreams come true. You then give yourself a date that is in your mind (don’t tell him—that makes it an ultimatum) such as 6 months, your birthday, whatever…and if he hasn’t shown up with a marriage proposal, you end your relationship with him. You have given him enough time to figure out whether he wants to spend his life with you or not—and any question that is not answered with a yes, is a no—there is nothing else. There isn’t anything a man is ever going to learn about you in two years that he didn’t know in one—and if he says he’s not ready, great, thank him for his honesty and move on to a man who is. You thank him silently for not wasting any more of your time waiting for him. Your childbearing years and beauty of your youth is finite. Youth and beauty doesn’t last forever, Men will always chose a woman for her youth, vitality and beauty. It’s almost stunning how little brains matter when it is compared to a woman’s beauty and sexuality for a man. But it is the yin to his yang and the balance of energies. If a man wanted an intellectual conversation, he could find that in another man. What he needs a woman for is her softness, sensuality and sexuality—that is her allure that makes a man want to give up his God given freedom for the irreplaceably of choosing one, only one special woman to cherish, protect and provide for.

A Woman's Worth

Hi J.—ahhh we do weave tangled webs…there are two things I’d like to talk to you about today but both are related to recognizing your value as a woman. The first is related to N. I know how very attracted you are to him and how excited you were over the possibility of dating him…but he didn’t ask, and so, as of right now, he’s to be considered to be out of sight and out of mind. You must find a way to meet other men to stop you from either thinking about him or A.

You’ve spent a lot of your time texting back and forth with N. but here is what you need to realize…by giving of your time so freely, N. has in effect gotten to learn about you and has gotten your time and attention without paying for it—as in a date—a real date where he takes you out to a show or a meal—and pays for the privilege of your company, your smile and attention. Right now he has your attention without truly earning your affection. I know that the rumor mill is that he is a player—and by giving him your time freely, you have played into his hand. Players play because women allow that to happen—and you already know he has a cadre of women ready, willing and able to be his sexual partner without him ‘giving’ anything to them other than moments of attention-when that isn’t nearly anything close to a good enough offer—not for you, anyway.

Women with low self esteem, who haven’t been properly loved, will accept crumb offerings from men who they gladly throw themselves at for so little offered to them. Women of value and valor will pay attention to the man who is most actively pursuing her and working hard to be worthy of a place in her life. Right now, N. is officially a time-waster in your life. You should begin to give him less and less of your time—no more than 5 minutes of texting. If he wants more of your time, he can date you. I know that you’re disappointed that he hasn’t asked, but you’re saying that now you would agree not to date him but hang-out with him. That behavior is in every way, shape and form a lowering of your standards…why wouldn’t you be good enough to date? The answer is that you are, and being willing to accept ‘less’ from a man just to have his attention is not the way to have a man love you…you must REQUIRE more from him. A man will not give you more than you require of him—always remember that. Accepting less from a man as ‘good enough’ makes you a door mat—the kind of woman he could walk all over and use—but that does NOT make you the kind of woman he would want to love. The behavior of accepting less from him makes you as common as the other women that he’s sleeping with—they too accept less just to have moments of his company. To set yourself apart and behave different is really a gift to a man. Men NEED to compete, conquer and control—that is what makes a man FEEL like a man—to know that he had a challenge, rose up to meet it and defeated/conquered what he had set out to do. No man wants a dead beast who walked itself up and landed on his doorstep and died…yes, he may eat that meat, but there was not the challenge of his having worked for the kill, and no pride in having done so.

I know that you’ve said that you aren’t in love with N.; I didn’t say that you were. I’m asking you to recognize oxytocin bonding and how quickly a woman’s body reacts to a man’s pheromones *IF* he has the right biocompatibility to produce an immunologically healthy offspring with you. You get giddy, can’t think of anything else but him; excitement over the possibility of new love sends you to the moon…recognize it when it happens…it will happen to you for the rest of your life…

And that brings me to A. who I know you have loved for a long time. He’s an ass…O.K. a bastard…alpha males are. If you want an alpha male, that is part of what you are getting…deal with it, or date a lesser beta male who is softer and more pliable. The only way to tame an alpha male is to hold your feminine ‘don’t wants’ without wavering. You don’t want to be treated poorly or lied to; you don’t want him to play games with you; you don’t want a physical relationship without a committed relationship; you don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t go to church with you on Sunday’s. You don’t want to have repeated arguments with him over these things… All that you can say to him is that you know that he is smarter than you are, that he can out-argue you every time and you don’t want to continue to do it…that’s just the way you feel, you won’t change your mind and you hope that he can understand your feelings on all of this. *IF* he is willing to accept your terms, than congratulations, you have just changed a mere man into a gentleman. If he chooses NOT to accept your terms for your relationship, wish him well, and release him back into the wild to find a woman with whom those things he wishes to remain in his life as status quo are a compatible match—and he has every right to find that better match. That woman will NOT be you, but believe sweetheart, that should you waiver on ANY of your relationship requirements, he will forever badger you about what HE wants from you because he will know forever more that with enough cajoling, and you will loosen your resolve and give into him.

I am NOT saying that you should have every one of your heart’s desires fulfilled by any man at every given moment. That’s neither realistic nor really what you would want from a partner. (Any man who says ‘yes dear’ to your every whim cannot garner your respect.) But the things that are non-negotiable to you—religion, physical relationship, commitment levels, illegal recreational activities etc. must be unwavering in your resolve. I.e. If you don’t date a guy who does drugs then you don’t fall in love with a guy who does drugs, you don’t marry a guy who does drugs and you don’t end up in a crappy marriage because if it. If you don’t date a guy who has lots of sexual partners, you don’t fall in a love with a guy who has had lots of sexual partners, you don’t end up with an STD that you didn’t have before he entered your life. Be mindful in your choices, have your non-negotiable clearly thought out and tread lightly in the dating world. It is only your promises to yourself that you keep that sets you apart from every other girl in the world-- while always remembering that it is your vulnerability to allow yourself to be loved by a man who is worthy of you that will always make you the most lovable. Remember always you are the prize to be won; but only after a man (by actions) proved himself worthy of having you.

Facebook

J--just one more thing....the F word...facebook. It is difficult at your age to have your life not be an open book because of how tied you are to social networking; however, some years ago I had a mentor tell me to "close my circle" of friends--no one gets in, no one gets out--after a several million dollar real estate deal suddenly disappeared by talking about it with my best friend (who showed up unannounced, but with flowers on my birthday). We talked for hours, and, of course the deal I had worked on all day long came up. She also worked in the field, but for a developer--and within a day my deal, my contract and ultimately, she was gone.

What I am saying to you, is that you can't trust the people that you think you can trust--because I certainly couldn't and I'm much further away from home town gossip than you are.

IF you are going to be multiple dating until a man proves himself worthy and takes you off the market, it would behoove you NOT to leave pictures of you with other men on your profile so that A. or anyone else that you might be interested in see pictures of you out at a party or harmlessly standing with another man's arm around you. I'm again going to stress for you the concept of lying for love. Right now, you should be letting as many men as care to shower you with symbols of their affection toward you. If you make one angry, he will no longer have his heart as open to courting you as he did prior to seeing you with another man.

IF you aren't ready to let go of hundreds of friends and the entire town knowing your life in pictures, I would suggest to you to have a separate facebook account for any new suitors to befriend you. I would be as prudent as possible about putting up pictures with other men. Have all of your girlfriends up with the fun times you've spent with them, your siblings, etc. but not pictures of you and other men you are dating. Your current friends can stay on your main account, but add and remove suitors as friends as they come in and out of your life without anyone who doesn't need to be privy to your most intimate details of your single dating life.

Lying for Love

Hi Fran. I have a problem. A. got mad because I still have one of D's sweatshirts at my house and he told me to get rid of it and I said no. He freaked out--then out of no where he apologizes and says he doesn't care because he's not my boyfriend but then he said he won't ask me to officially be his girlfriend until I get rid of the sweatshirt. What should I do? I like the sweatshirt and I'm tired of A. bossing me around. I don't wear it in front of him and that should be good enough.

J--is it not possible for you to hide it? I love giving you these life lessons in womanhood because they will serve you well and someday you will pass them to your own daughters.

A woman doesn't ever have to tell a man what she is doing or has done with another man--or more precisely, another suitor. You can very nicely explain to him that although *HE* might have thrown away all traces of you when you were no longer dating, that as a woman he needs to understand that you have stronger sentimental attachments of the people and things that have brought you fond memories AND although you do respect him enough not to wear it in front of him, no, you don't feel comfortable throwing it away and you won't do it.

A. is testing you, as all men do. There are two lessons for you in this. Number one don't EVER again give him a gift that you would be heartbroken KNOWING that he threw away. From this point forward until he is your husband, the monetary value of your gifts should be less than you have ever done before. He didn't appreciate what you paid for, so you can bake him cookies, make him a home cooked meal, massage his shoulders if he's weary...but these are more gifts from your soul to him than from your wallet.

Secondarily, A. is asking you to prove yourself worthy of his love. Do not fall into this trap--if you do, he will know that he has you "wrapped around his finger" and without ever giving you a commitment, he can play with you at his whim. He is the one who needs to prove himself worthy of having you. You are the prize he needs to fight for and win...and the truth is that when a man competes for and conquers a woman, you are giving him a great gift as a testament of his manhood. Men fight wars for the favor of a woman. Allow him to do what is necessary to fight for you while you are ever aware that right now you are a single woman until he takes you off the market for the price that you set for having you.

What I would like you to note, is that as a general rule, you should always have secrets from a man. He must never know everything about you. He will become bored with you instead of fascinated of ever evolving and deepening love as you reveal parts of yourself over time...but never give him all of yourself. I would encourage you to remember this even though out your marriage. You should have money set aside for your own peace of mind and financial security that your husband knows nothing about. Men leave their wives all of the time...be smart enough to have a safe place to fall into should it ever arise. No one goes into a marriage thinking that it won't last forever, be cautiously optimistic but protect your assets and vulnerability as best as you can.

A hasn't proven himself worthy yet by asking you to be exclusive with him (this time around). You must continue to live your life as any single woman would without giving him any further thought, because you may never be exclusive with him again. It is always a man's choice, but a woman's prerogative to accept or reject what he is proposing or offering at any given time.

I am going to a party tonight and I told him I was going out with girlfriends--which is the truth--I'm not telling him about the college party. I honestly like where we are now. We're sort of together and sort of casual--it's a lot less stress plus he doesn't push for anything physically because I said "nothing outside of a committed relationship". There's a part of me that doesn't want him to ask me for a committed relationship; is that bad?

No sweetheart, but if you're not in a committed relationship, he doesn't get to ask you not to date other guys and he doesn't get to ask you to get rid of another guy's stuff. There's a little concept known as "lying for love". You keep your mouth shut about what you are doing with other men and the gifts they give to you. You don't tell him, and he doesn't go nuts over knowing. This is loving yourself, more than you love him. This is doing what feels right at the moment instead of worrying about how he would *FEEL* about what you're doing when he's not with you. Do you honestly think that A would buy you jewelry--KNOWING that you're still wearing another man's sweatshirt? Of course not, you lie to let him love you by showering you with all that you deserve. Personally, this was something that I learned late. I've always been an observer of both men and woman--I find their choices fascinating-- and I can remember being stunned when I was in my early twenties when a woman who I worked with, whom everyone KNEW was dating the boss showed up one Monday morning married to someone else. No one knew she was dating anyone else...she found a better deal than the one that she had dating the boss, and went for it. Do you think that anyone knew that she was secretly playing the field? Nope, she was a single woman handling her business--privately. Get it?

Yes I get it :) you're the coolest Fran; you give such great advice.

Again, this is part of a woman's mystery. You never let him see you in the bathroom, not even to brush your teeth; you hide your feminine hygiene products, never let him see your beauty routines..you keep that private. Let me tell you a story. I was once best friends with a woman who married a very wealthy man. She would NEVER let him see her cleaning the house, washing the dishes etc. She told me that she did it, just never in front of him...I allowed her to explain to me that her reasoning was that *IF* he didn't see her "behave in that way" then he didn't ever think of her in that way--it would never occur to him to treat her as if she were the maid. I said to her in that moment that she was saying something profound--and it was--profound enough for me to always remember it.

Yeah, that's pretty cool, I never thought of it like that.

You have to remember yourself to be a Goddess and not a common woman in front of a man. You are somehow always just a little out of reach. So few women behave this way today; that is what will set you apart. I would even suggest to you that you keep your future husband out of the delivery room when you give birth. I'm not sure that allowing him to see you bloody and open and perspiring and in pain is the way for a man to remember you. This is the most sacred part of you as a woman. Allow him to keep the fantasy of you as his greatest source of pleasure and not merely a mortal woman.

Have fun tonight; smile alot and hope to meet a potential date. Until A steps up, you're a single woman open to meeting a quality gentleman who will potentially take you off the market. And remember not to get too drunk--lol. You must remember you're a lady, and men will be watching you before they approach you. Do you remember that guy at the pool last summer and how long he watched you? We all noticed before you did--and all quality men will do that.

Yeah, ewwww, I remember him....

Ewwww isn't the point, it's not the men that we attract, it's the one's we choose to keep. I know that you're pretty wonderful about this, but always conduct yourself as if you are a walking piece of artwork...always on display for a man to admire and enjoy. That is the reason that men date you and eventually will make you his wife--for the mere pleasure of your company. Who you are as a woman, your fascination, is something that he can't attain for himself or by hanging around with other men. A man pays for the privilege of your presence and all that it entails. In every way that you can accentuate that difference, you should do so. Hold yourself to a higher "girly" standard...and there is a reason for that. On a see-saw of masculine and feminine energy the more masculine a man is, the more feminine a woman has to be to balance the energy--which in essence means that he needs to hold himself to higher standard to have you. There are men who are into woman who play softball and soccer and are more tom-boy than not. BUT those men choose those women because they know it takes so little effort for them to please her... give her a beer and a pair of blue jeans and it's "good enough" to win her. But she's also the one later on in her marriage that complains that her husband doesn't do enough around the house or in his job/profession. Of course not, she is the one who set her standards so low in allowing that little effort define her life. Had she from the beginning say "that's not a good enough offer" she wouldn't be in that position later by attracting and choosing him to begin with.

I'll keep that in mind--what should I wear tonight, there will be lacrosse players there--should I dress preppy?

You should dress sexy--but I'm smiling remembering how hot the lacrosse players were when I was in college and how much I liked them, too. Wrestlers and LAX....yummy men! You can always dress sexy to entice a man but remember to hold your virtue until a man earns you.

OK, because I saw this really cute top in the mall. It's black and loose fitting kind of tank-top style but it's cut short so my midriff shows and the back is just straight lace. It's kind of dark rocker chick--I don't know. I really liked it and thought I'd wear that with jeans and heels with make up and cute jewelry. What do you think? I'm alittle worried because they all dress preppy...

Wear it! You have nothing to loose--sexy is sexy. No man is going to like every look on every woman, but all you need is *a* man, the right man. And men appreciate different looks on women, so you should on occasion change your look. You can go from a dark and mysterious seductress to a light angelic look. Go for it and have fun tonight.