Today's Stream of Consciousness

Michael and I talked on the phone yesterday before he headed off to teach in his BJJ gym. He giggles alot. I guess that's why he tells me that every day when we write, I bring a smile to his face and to please not stop. In his last note, he told me his gym nickname in Portuguese or that I might call him 'Uncle Mike". I told him that 'Uncle Mike' was my father and that I'd never call him that, but under the right circumstances I just might call him 'daddy'. He replied: How does one get oneselves in a situation, where... maybe, just maybe.... you would call me daddy... Would love the chance.. ;) XOXO Much love, Michael.

It's nice to have an 'opponent' who's as equal a class A flirt as I am. I'm missing that and wished that it was real, but it's not any more real than the flirting with the guys behind the deil counter when I ask them what they would recommend or the waiters when I reach my hand out and let them take to help me down the stairs to my table while I'm smiling and giving them an eye flirting by lowering my eyes and looking back into theirs in an act of submission.

I was dumping some old emails and came across the last note I had gotten from L.

Um ok... I got an idea too, don't visit me in NJ. I'm glad your old fashioned. Everyone needs a value set... Mine is that of a 13 year old. Don't worry, won't send you another text or message. And your very welcome to stay on my website... Even though I'm a little hurt by your message since, you were the one who led me this direction... Let me give you advice, in the future after flirting and teasing, it's import to just write, "went to far" sorry. Not a full page disortation.... Btw yes your message is that stinging and out of the blue, I'm hurt. Bye!

I wish I could go back in time and change that moment with him, but I can't--I tried. He knows himself certainly better than I ever would, and if he said that his value set was that of a 13 year old, I have to believe that. I wish that I would have been able to have motivated him to have modified his behavior, but at that time, his anger was bigger than his heart. I've never forgotten his kiss, and it saddens me most of all is that he kept his promise...I've never heard from him again. But it is also the truth that he needed to leave or he wouldn't have gone through the emotional changes that E. forced  him to go through. She was a gift to him. It wasn't the gift he wanted; but none the less she was a gift.

I was talking to one of the girls on one of the relationship site that I moderate, I asked her if she had tried to behavior modify her date; she said:

I didn't say anything reasonable to him about how I didn't like his behavior. Instead I went into a sort of haze and even made out with him later that night. I'm ashamed of that and also interested in why I would get so out of touch with my feelings and act against my better judgement in that way. I guess knowing these options for communicating will give me a way out of auto-pilot next time something like this happens with another man.

About blind-siding... I understand that I shouldn't block M's number BUT I don't want to answer him if he calls. What in the world could I say to him now? Also, can a man really change from that kind of dramatically awful into a gentleman? Shouldn't a person just KNOW not to act like that around someone he barely knows? I'm not one of his 'boys.' ....

I responded:

Don't beat yourself up over this--you liked him--this is just a big tug between your head and your heart and we all learn in baby steps.

You're having gone into a haze was just you protecting yourself from being hurt--we can't blame you for that. But walking Pat's walk is learning how to effectively communicate with the opposite sex. I always compare us as cats trying to get along with dogs. And I don't mean that disparagingly--we're just two different species struggling for intimacy...to be understood, accepted and ultimately irreplacably loved.

You may be able to find the voice of your heart next time--maybe not--maybe partially--but know that this is a process... one of you finding your way home to your truest self.

*IF* you choose to unblock M's number, or *IF* you would consider dating him again (and I'm NOT saying that you should) you could always say that you needed some time and space away from your last date to process what you were feeling and that you felt that any interaction from him would only confuse you until you were clear about how you felt and what you ultimately didn't want. (Remember as feminine energy we come from a place of don't want). You didn't want to feel embarrassed that he saw you as less than worthy in front of strangers. you didn't want to feel uncherished in being forced to stand while he sat,  You didn't want to be uncomfortable as his treating you like one of the boys instead of a woman...on and on until you're clear. Maybe writing them here will help you peel back the layers of what you were really feeling--then we could help you formulate what you would say to him if you choose to. I think it would be a good exercise for you.

But to answer your question, yes, a man CAN change that much. I've seen it. But unfortunately I wasn't on the receiving end of his love. I wished that I was, but it was another woman. I watched him grow--and grow up--telling her on one of his blogs that he had changed and how sorry he was that he had behaved like a 16 year old--(with me, he said 13, but that was a few years beforehand.) I'm sad that it wasn't me, but some other woman that he loved and lost gave him an emotional circumcision, and NOW at 43, he finally like a man.

Yes, it might have been the oxytocin 'haze' that has you turning emotionally, but if you keep dating and 'smelling' other men, it confuses the body and the addictive chemical reaction.

Pat says that we keep dating--even the one's without chemistry until he stops calling, or someone else takes you off the market because you never know if and when the chemistry may develop...it has absolutely happened for me 'late'. Once was with a man I had known for a year and I thought he was a bit of an ass; we were at a holiday party chatting--all was well--then he kissed me on the neck goodnight--and everything inside of me gasped...for a moment,  I couldn't breathe...bingo and oh my gosh instant chemistry!

Another time was with a guy who was relentlessly pursuing me--it took me 10 weeks of dating him before I would even let him kiss me! But the chemistry eventually happened and we dated for about a year.

Even on your duty dates it is still your job to look good, sound good, smell good, taste good and feel good. What this man is paying for when he is dating you is the joy that he gets of being in your company for those few hours. If you're behaving like you don't want to be there, you can't expect a man to be inspired to call, so I give your guy credit for trying again.

Comfort

I've spent the last 48 hours or so being involved in some online nonsense over what I consider to be my intellectual property. I had responded to a man on a site that I frequent over his asking for opinions on whether a woman should 'potty' in front of  her boyfriend.

I responded:

This is a girl, not a woman--and I even use that term loosly....perhaps a man with a vagina would be more aptly put.

A woman should retain not only some outward modesty, respect for his privacy and keep the allure of her sexuality under wraps. Now his memories of her are her bowel functions instead of her raw unbridled, uninhibited, explored sexuality.

He has lost the fantasy of her, forever. Where and how deeply a woman choses to explore the layers of her sexuality and share that with a man is her business. but dropping fecal matter in a toilet front of a man is different.

This is the same as burping, farting and other uncouth acts that don't belie a woman's femininity. Men are drawn, enticed and seduced by the differences between men and woman, not their similarities. In fact, I'm not even sure that a man should be in the delivery room when a woman gives birth...what has been seen cannot be unseen and it changes PERCEPTION forever.  And as I said, even in a marriage, I believe there are some things that should remain private. A woman should never forget that this man is her LOVER and behave in his presence accordingly--she's NOT one of the guys.

To be a feminine is to be hidden, soft and modest. There is a place in a woman's life to be untamed...and it's not openly sharing a bathroom.

He has lost the woman who comes to his bed powdered and perfumed willingly waiting to be taken, released from sociatal moires and constrictions. Every dream he has ever had in reliving those moments of having her gasping at her most raw, most sexual, most desiring of having him entered in every part of her being has been reduced in one moment... to 'plop'...

Her confusion on this issue leads me to wonder if perhaps the Europeans have it right after all, with finishing and charm schools; while we as American women, are left with a less than glimmering shadow of what women's liberation (eye roll) had intended; with a 'let it all hang out'; say whatever's on your mind without a filter; and the 'devil may care attitude' over what we do has ultimately left both sexes confused as to their roles and their gut reactions (typically of horror...).

Someone else on the site took my verbiage, copied it to HIS blog and added his own comments--his basic conclusion was that I was correct....OF COURSE I am. I was not, however, in any way happy that he in essence copied my opinions for his own use. He didn't respond on the thread, he saved them for his own blog.

I asked him to remove his blog page, and he refused, which started a battle on the site with most of the men siding with him and saying that they would rather have their eyes burned with hot pokers than read my writing; I'm OK with that...but they failed to realize that his 'flattery' of copying my opinions meant that he LIKED IT. Some people like my writing; some people don't, but everyone has an opinion--and that's what makes not only brilliance, but power....but I'll save that thought for another post.

I discussed this with a girlfriend last night, who is an published author-- since I've been working on the book on masculine/feminine energy for about a year and 'potty time' was indeed going to be included...she told me that this kind of thing runs rampant. And yes, there was a point in her first marriage where she would potty in front of her husband until one day he said to her 'you really shouldn't do that' and she stopped.

What is laughable to me is that the guy who 'lifted' my conversation for his blog actually asked me to provide him with the url address here. Does he really think that I'm dumb enough to give him access to steal more of my 'work' for his own benefit? Sorry buddy, but you're going to have to figure out how to have an opinion on something without me or work a whole lot harder to find me. I had alot of traffic to this blog overnight, so perhaps he, or others did.

It lead me to be thinking about comfort and the advice I gave to someone just last week regarding a guy whom she really liked. She had been waiting for him--like women do. Waiting for his calls, him to ask her out again, waiting for him to decide that she was the one he wanted to pursue a relationship with....waiting. And when they finally had the date she had been waiting for, his behavior was less than the sterling gentleman she had hoped that he was. He dropped f-bombs, told racist jokes, and generally behaved like an ass...while she said nothing to him during the date, but subsequently blocked him from contacting her again.

I said to her:

We as women are taught to live in our discomfort. I can remember my mother telling me at a very young age that 'if you want to be beautiful you have to suffer'. So we learn to suffer our diets and execise and the pain of waxing and plucking and menstrual cramps and childbirth--on and on. so when we're brought upon by some 'discomfort' we tend to hold it in and suffer through it.

This is about being able to GRACIOUSLY verbalize our discomforts and hope that a man rises to the occasion to ease our discomfort.

Some years ago, as I first began practicing Pat's teachings, I consciously 'played' at this. I was in Las Vegas at a conference, and a guy who I had just met had asked me to have breakfast with him. Now typically, I would have just aid I need to find the waitress and ask her to bring me some ketchup...but I didn't. All that I said was "I need ketchup". Bingo--like a jackrabbit he was up and getting it for me. I couldn't believe that it was that easy and that 'it worked'.

This is a deeper level of being able to voice your 'discomfort' at a man's behavior, but very necessary work because it lays the groundwork at being able to skillfully negotiate your relationship when the time comes for engagement, marriage or even being able to voice your 'entrance fee' for sex.

I realized this morning, that I haven't taken my own advice--which is either to withdraw or graciously verbalize my feelings on this. These are mostly 'street level' men--boys that haven't grown up or somehow think that it's OK to 'punch a girl' and get away with it sitting behind a keyboard. These aren't men, but piranahs who jump onto a feeding frenzy of hate the moment it appears. So, I think that it's in my best interest to withdraw to private messages on threads that I feel are important enough to address with the time and thought I've placed in the above posts.

Since I've been asked to moderate not one, but two different sites on relationships, it is obvious that there some very learned people who appreciate my 'getting it'. This has just been a matter of realizing that with very little exception on that site, instead of sitting in my discomfort, that my needs aren't being met and moving on.

Arrogance

I came across someone responding 'lol, poor guy' in her misunderstanding of a man's response and her own lack of feminine energy. She had written in her online profile in the 'what I'm looking for' section 'if you wish, you might send me a message letting me know why you think that I might be interested in a place in your life'. Ouch, that's incredibly brusk. She had a responder say to her that 'there appears to be a failure somewhere veiled in an arrogant demand'. Good for him. She said that he had written more, but she had chosen not to respond to him.
Initally, it might appear offensive that he would have made such a remark to her, but the reality is that he is right. I offered her my opinion:

Pat calls this 'topping from the bottom'...meaning that what appears to be a feminine request is actually back-handedly masculine. I'm going to presume that you're looking for an man with yang/masculine energy...am I correct? If I am, then your profile is written from the masculine. It is the men that vie for a position in our life by interviewing FOR us, not to a request of 'dance for me'--or in this case asking him to perform the task of 'tell me why'. Just like in a job interview where a man would be telling you all of his attributes of why he's the best candidate, so will a man who is interested in you--without asking. I didn't believe this until I started noticing that they would...that the emails I received from men who were interested in me were filled with men telling me all about their lives.

That dates that APPEAR to be of men bragging and bored to tears one sided conversations are actually men interviewing for a position in your life.

It's always a man's choice (as to who he dates) but a woman's perogative to say yes or no to what he offers.

Your responder is correct--it is arrogant and 'in your face' to say to a man 'tell me why I might be interested in being in your life'. Feminine energy is to be receiptive to what he might offer to bring to your life without asking for it. It might be easier to think of this as action verses reaction. He is a guy responding (reaction on his part) to your action of asking for a man to 'entertain you with his wit and purpose' instead of allowing him to do the entertaining (action) while you stand still..sweetly smiling (reacting).

Unless he has something else in his profile that is a blatent red flag, I'd ask you to reconsider him....here is masculine energy at it's finest...a man who's willing to go toe to toe with you--yang to yang--and let the better 'man' win...I'd betcha dollars to donuts he comes out the winner...and without knowing anything else about you, he already knows it.

Non-negotiables

My non-negotiables--I have three. That he be stronger than I am; that he be smarter than I am; and that he needs to have some gentleman in him and some street--and that he be wise enough to know when each was appropriate. That's the amount that I'm 'allowed' to have. I'd have a list of a hundred things that I *want* in a partner, but it needed to be distilled down to three. I've been O.K. with that for a couple of years...that is, until 2 days ago.

I don't watch Oprah; I haven't in many, many years. I'm natually observant; it's how I'm wired When I watched Oprah become racist, I stopped watching her. Yeah, I said that; it's my opinion that she is. I watched her walk out at the beginning of her show when she would slap hands with her audience members and only touch the black members. I watched her at the Oscar's when Halle Berry won hers, and Jamie Fox gave her a shout out. I watched her raise her arm in 'black power' definance...I'm old enough to remember the movement and the raised fists. She was 'over' for me in that moment. And it appears that much of my life and relationships have been that way. It's in one defining moment that things change for me.

Here's the point. I was channel surfing this week and came across one of Oprah's life lessons. Dr. Phil was on; I guess it was before he had his own show. It was about a couple deciding whether or not to marry and they had a 'T" bar drawn with pro's on one side, and con's on the other. The male fiancee' was angry at the female and had orchestrated a scenario where the female would come home and find him in bed with not one, but two women. She was still considering marrying him. On the con side went up the words 'he's willing to hurt you' and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Kathy had called asking me if I knew of any other neighbors with a water heater problem that she was having. I told her that almost 4 years ago at a board meeting, someone had brought this up and was argueing with the manangement company that his neighbor had told him that the manangement company had paid for the correction. She couldn't believe that I remembered that...but I did. I had been in touch with Frank over the last couple of weeks and she knew that I had spent the better part of ten years loving him. I had thought about it when he called. Could I forgive him enough to start over from the beginning. Dr. Pat would have told me to. That what ever relationship I had in the past with him had nothing to do with a relationship now. He threw hints to me; I didn't pick them up and toss them back. I couldn't. I couldn't forget every mean thing he had ever said to me. He was willing to hurt me.

Michael wrote to me this week. It took him a week to process what he had done. He wrote: Don't know if you are still speaking to me. Just wanted to ask you how thw ankle is coming along? Hope everything is good with you.

I wrote back say that it wasn't that I wasn't speaking to him, but that he and I had different understandings of friendship and in my world, you know who your friends are by who shows up. And since he had turned down three offers, I didn't exactly know where he fit.

He then responded: I thought there was a misunderstanding about me coming up that very Saturday to do something about the mold. I had good intentions, but we did not have the material. I guess that was my fault, not communicating that to you in the right way. I am not trying to come up with excuses, because I did cause all of this. I am hoping that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I feel horrible that you cried over that. Honestly. Maybe we can start over as friends. I loved getting mail from you even more than you did from me. It is always great to get a females opinion on things. I will keep writing every day. I hope you don't mind. And don't get all crazy and leave. Guys have a hard time with a strong woman who voices her honest opinion.

I asked him that "if he wanted to start over as friends" what he had thought that I was offering him before?  But of course he had every right to do he wanted, whenever he wanted and that I had only hoped that he would do something for me that he said that he would. Low and behold, I had waited 24 hours
and there was dead silence from him. At that point, I expected it from him; and it was unfair. Man time is slower than female time. I was honest with Michael about his having hurt me--that I had lost him as a friend, and I said to him that I guessed that all pain comes from wanting.

But looking at my interaction with him yesterday, I'm questioning whether my yang male energy is rising up for the protection of my heart or still being opened to the possibility of friendship. Or, whether there is a part of me that feels that he hurt me, he was willing to hurt me, and it's just time to move on with my life without his friendship as my awareness-growth for what is or isn't acceptable in my life. Would it be 'doormat' to let him back into my heart that far or a different understanding that my friendship with him would be peppered with disappointments knowing from this place forward that he's 'limited' and accepting of that?

His last email read: Fran, I am glad you are so direct with your words and thoughts. They are piercing, but they speak the truth. I guess that is why some people on the site do not like you. They cannot deal with the truth. Anyway, How is your Friday? Going good, I hope. Looks like it's going to be a nasty weekend. Even talking about snow. Geez, already? How was PT and how is the ankle feeling? wearing high heels yet? It has been a very hectic, but very productive week for me. Early next week, I am going to sit down and start the thread that I promised. I don't know what to expect, but it will be interesting. Have a great weekend.... Michael


I don't know the answer yet; this still needs some processing time...

What Is The Truth?

Michael hasn't written back this morning. I didn't expect him to; he's feeling badly about his behavior and I'm going to respect his space to process it.

I listened to a podcast by LH last night. It's been a long time since I've heard his voice. It's changed; his lecturing style has changed. He has 'up-talk' now; maybe he's been to some antiquated 'training the trainer' seminar that told him to end a sentence as if he were asking a question...popular 17 year ago...it was also peppered with OKs? and alright's? It's different, and it's back-peddled from the super-polished style he used to have. He's gone through some emotional upheaval in the last year; maybe he's more integrated as a man but regressed to a earlier emotional age.

I've never stopped thinking about him and how much I still believe that we would have been great together had the planets been aligned differently. I learned things about him last night...how much he knew about my side of the business, how that he had always said he hated my side, apparently he had a new found respect for investors need to be in the housing market (or he's lying and just smearing butter to line his wallet)...and he said he's wired to always tell someone exactly what he's thinking of them...ouch...I had always hoped that there was shock value hype to what he had said (lied) about me; but perhaps that is his percepted truth.

I've been chatting online with a few girls about dating. Someone had posted a relationship guru's list of do's and don'ts which were geared toward 'being friends' first and not engaging in romantic endeavors but suggested going out for pizza and bowling. I told her that his list had to have been written for 13 year old's. I received back some sarcastic comments that she would assure me that she wasn't 13 and couldn't see what was wrong with pizza and bowling and that she and I were very obviously looking for different men. I told her that I wasn't sure that it was different men as much as she should consider that she and I were looking for different relationship styles.

She wrote: So are you saying that dating is : * A sexual opportunity * What you do to impress others * A conquest ??I think he's trying to advocate not jumping in bed with the first guy that asks you to and to actually get to know a person. At least that's what I got out of it.

I responded: Anthropologically speaking, yes, dating is a potential opportunity to mate. That is the reason that people date ultimately is to pair-bond. Male animals bring food and other 'gifts' to females to impress them enough to have the female chose who she will mate with. His providing his gifts were the only opportunity he had to move his genetic material forward to future generations. It is his biological imperative. When a male of the human species takes a woman to dinner, he's impressing her with the fact that he can provide for her and his potential brood.

IF a man (takes you bowling or out for pizza) he has not proven himself worthy of having YOU as a potential mate. that is the reason that women look for a man who can cherish,  protect and provide. From the beginning of time, without a man's ability to protect you and your children, you died. Without his ability to provide for you and your children, you died. Without his cherishing you--WANTING to protect and provide, you and your children died.

Now you may say that you have the finances to protect provide and cherish your children without him, but the last 100 years hasn't changed our biological directive.

She responded: Anthropologically speaking - I think that's hogwash! I don't care if a guy takes me for pizza and/or bowling. I'm not looking at dollar signs. (Well, maybe a little, he has to be able to afford the pizza and bowling and not expect me to pay.) I'd rather go for pizza and enjoy myself than go to a 5 star restaurant just to have some guy try and impress me with his wallet. I don't get where food and gifts of pizza and bowling are not worthy.

I replied: Well, then perhaps, unlike me, you aren't looking for a covenant relationship. By the way, who said anything about a guy 'trying to impress you with his wallet' as cogent to 'NOT enjoying yourself'? Did you consider what you said? As an aside, you might want to consider reading Helen Fisher, PH.D. a lot of her work is like-kind material. Perhaps you won't consider it hogwash coming from her.

If pizza and bowling are worth your time as first dates, have at it. They aren't for me; it says 'as a man, I can't afford to treat you better'...accept or reject is Pat Allen's mantra; you would accept/ I would reject.

Another girl wrote: I'm from a humble background and I'm 46 years old. A pizza dinner would suit me just fine. If I wait for some man to give me better treatment  I'd be waiting a long damn time.

Fran, you are very helpful but sometimes I feel like you and I live on different planets. See, we don't all want the same type of person. My idea of a great partner isn't alpha enough for Fran and her idea of a great partner would bore me to tears. I'm gathering that you want someone similar to yourself, and very down to earth and fun - not merely what you think you can get.

I replied: I'm not sure if it's the same 'type of person' as much as the same type of relationship'.  Yes, I like my men on the far ends of the bell curve of alpha--because I'm an alpha--and he has to be able to out-alpha me.

The reason that you feel that you and I live on different planets is because I've lived the Pat Allen guide to androgenous realignment, dating and mating for longer than you have---there is growth that comes from knowing what you don't want, understanding when what a man offers isn't good enough verses taking any crumbs that he throws and at your feet and even as a single, filling out a relationship contract. When I first joined A's group and I read the kinds of things that I write about here--and all of those women's high standards, I felt much the same as you do...a great big 'give any guy a chance' and say yes, please and thank you to ANYTHING he offered. but truth be told, except for one--who is currently having her boyfriend cave and come out it with a pre-nup--everyone of them is married--and married well; to wealthy men that they couldn't be happier with.

Each set their standards of what they wanted and didn't settle. A. now has 2 kids, full time care, and her own office with 'no one touching her stuff' (on her single-gal relationship contract) no less than 4 weeks vacation per year, etc. She said no to dates that were 'walks in the park' and 'coffee dates', but 'yes' to cocktails with one guy while leaving him after an hour or so to have a late dinner with an other suitor--and let the best man win. Yes, she was engaged 4-5 times before the right one--but damn it--she was asked 4-5 times for her hand! The one engagaemnt that I was a ring-side witness to happened after knowing him for two weeks--I don't know the kind of magic that it takes to make that happen, but my mother always told me that her father told her, that when the right one comes along, you just know.

Pizza and bowling as an 'impression' first couple of dates are beta dates. Beta's either try to get themeselves an alpha female because they they need to be the feminine energy and want to be the one's who's feelings are cherished; or they will find an even more beta female because they know that it so little to make her happy.

I don't need five star restaurants all of the time--sometimes, there's nothing better than a half portion oriental salad at Applebee's...but I view those as comfort dates, not first impressions of 'will he or won't he make it past the first three dates'.  I'm not saying that 'let's stay in have pizza and a movie' night is a bad date-- sometime--but that's a date with an established boyfriend, not a date with a man who's trying to impress you. If you're impressed with a ten dollar pizza date, OK--no arguement from me, but I'm not.

One more womanl chimed in: that 'if you think you'd be waiting a long damn time' with that attitude about yourself, you're probably right! As for 'I feel like Fran and I live on different planets...this is also a matter of expectations and 'what we look for' in the world. It may be because Fran and I are older (and east coasters?), that we expect more of men that you younger women -- and esp. you California girls! (Yes, the ten years older I am than you makes a difference! {wink}) I, too, used to be astonished at some of the girls' standards. I'm still kinda astonished, and yet she was a relationship coach, who really knew her stuff (way WAY more femme than I managed, back then! Tee hee hee!) She did a lot to explain to me where my Yang/masculine views were tripping me up!

And yet, having a high standard -- expecting that a man will buy you dinner and not just coffee; holding yourself (SEEING yourself!!!) as worth more than a pizza dinner creates that in your life. You have a history (here, at least) of worrying about "men" being able to buy you dinner, and worrying about their funds, and ... just generally mommying them rather than expecting THEM to take care of you!

You might do well to work on EXPECTING men to buy you dinner, on seeing yourself as NOT a cheap date: you needn't be an *expensive* date -- but you seem as if you're thinking 'ooh, I don't want him
thinking I'm a golddigger, so I'll accept the very, very least he is willing to give. And tyhen try to 'pay him back' by buying him food too.' " And, so, the men you draw into yours life are poor or cheap!

Fran (and I) have reached the stage in our ... awakening... where we know we're worth a helluva a lot! A man has to work to prove himself worthy of me. (Yes, even fat, old, and a bit abrasive... I'm still a helluva prize!) *I* am not willing to settle for some guy who isn't truly (TRULY) adding to my life!! And he has to add to it with finances as well! Not that I'm a golddigger, but if he doesn't add (a lot) to my life, I don't have time for him (except as a friend). And yes, in the long-run,I prefer a pizza dinner to getting all
dressed up for a fancier dinner. But dating -- and more importantly COURTING -- is where the man is showing you that he can and will provide! He is "peacocking" because that's what makes his worth your
time! If a man's first offer of dinner is pizza, I will go, but I will be leery of his ability to 'take me on.'
If you keep thinking, "well, I'll accept ANY kind of treatment so long as he takes me out" -- the men you'll attract will be the type of men who don't think that their evening is graced and improved by the beauty and meaning you've brought to it! Michael used to STRESS that 'all your girls' need to understand that the man is PAYING for the chance to be with a gracious attentive woman (you know, a yin: receptive, available, respectful?) ALL the payment he gets is your charming presence -- and that IS worth money to a man!

Married...Hello and Goodbye

It's been one crisis after another since April and I've been lax at writing here, but I've spent about the last 14 hours crying on and off, and now, more than anywhere else, I need to be here. A couple of months ago I made what I thought was a new online friend and yesterday, he said goodbye. Michael and I met on a site where we share a common interest--I was getting tickets to a mixed martial arts fight for free and thought I'd take someone along whom I didn't know, just for the fun of paying it forward. I started a thread on the site asking for 'reasons why I should be taking you along'. He offered me dinner in Atlantic City and a box of chocolates. I thought now there's a man who knows how to make a woman happy...you're in, done....

I have a gift that I wished that I knew how to harness and that is that people tell me things; they trust me with their secrets. When I was working, I always knew who was getting an office, loosing and office, getting fired, or getting promoted. Once, I actually had my best girlfriend at work ask me if I would tell her the truth as to whether I was sleeping with the boss or not because of how much I knew of the day to day office politics...I wasn't. But it's always been that way for me and I do keep secrets.

When I began seeing my current doctor, my first visit was talking, my second visit was my examination. I brought my diaphragm with me because it was time to have it checked for size and placement and he stared at it for a long time...all that I could think of was oh no, is there a hole in it? After what felt like an eternity, he said to me 'you know I can't convince my wife' I said 'excuse me?' He said 'I can't convince my wife to go on birth control...I guess she's far less worried about her being pregnant than I am'. Wow, why would someone that I didn't know at all tell me something so personal? Which brings me to Kiran. I took the scooter to the pool to get my very few last moments of summer sun after loosing so much of it; Kiran came and sat with me.

I had known of her arranged marriage in India and her struggles with a not quite wrong but not quite right neurologically challenged husband and child, but what I didn't know was of her affair with the guy down the street. He was another difficult choice to make or not. He wanted her to leave her husband for him and they fought; he wanted her full time, she wanted what was best at this juncture for her children...but I learned something from her and that was her vulnerability with the guy down the street when they argued.

For me, writing has always been solace. When I couldn't say the words that were in my heart, I could always write. I began writing poetry at 13; honors classes in English in high school, the highest grade in the incoming freshman class in college. Writing was easy...a place to take the time to collect my thoughts...a place to relate; but also an understanding of the very real differences in vulnerabilities and intimacy between relating and relationships. When Kiran told me of her on going conversations with the new guy,  I told her that she was far more evolved than I was in verbalizing what was in her heart. I get hurt, I shut down, I hold it in...no one ever knows.

And that brings me to yesterday. I've only been out of a cast for about 3 weeks. I have a plate and 8 screws holding my right ankle together. Last week I noticed a roof leak in the garage that has already started to grow black mold. I can't get up on a ladder, I'm scared that my ankle hasn't healed enough. Michael offered to come up from Delaware, but I didn't hear from him. And tomorrow night, I'm having a cocktail party for all of my friends to say thank you for those who helped me with my crutches to get around to the doctors, the back and forth to the hospital and grocery shopping. I had another suitor who I could have asked to come, but I chose Michael to be there instead. It had been really nice writing with him a few times per day. It always made me smile when I saw that I had mail from him. There was, what I thougth was a level of honesty and vulnerability that I had the courage to share with him, and he with me. Until he told me that he had been dreading telling me that he was married. He asked me if it made a difference in our relationship. I thought about it, and yes, it did. What changed was the possibility of maybe. That maybe he might be the right guy; maybe there was a chance that he might be a primary relationship in my life. I'm lonely and I liked him well enough. Maybe.

I've had long term friendships with married men before. It wasn't a big deal. There wasn't any attraction for me. Their marriages were separate and aside from whatever our relationship was. There was Myron, and our shared love of sailing and we were in the same field, I was far younger and he was far older...he mentored me and gave me some gifts whereby I wouldn't be who I am today, without. We were friends for over 20 years....There was Richard the chiropractor who would have liked more of a friends with benefits situation with me, but he's a ginger and not all someone that I would be attracted to let alone the crazy conversations he would wake me up to have with me. He'd call me early mornings, and discuss his conspiracy theories of the federal reserve, 9/11...lol...I just thought he was an intense guy who's mind was always racing...who knew that was his mating call? I'll admit that sometimes I can be oblivious to a man's interest...

But that brings me back to Michael. He's cancelled on me 3 times this week. He told me that I had asked him something last week that had him take a long hard look in the mirror and he didn't like the man that he saw looking back at him. I'd like to say that there are downsides to openness and vulnerability; but I can't say that when it's all said a done, that an unexamined self awareness is something to be proud of. I guess I did a good thing for his marriage, but I lost a friend. I keep wondering what he thought would happen between us. Did he think I'd be a fun hook up that he might talk about and remember fondly or just high-fiveing with his friends about having 'hit it and quit it'? Did he think this would go on longer term and I'd be OK with his having two women in his life? How could he not know that although I couldn't always say this about myself, that today I'm ready to have the right man come into my life; I'm ready if all goes well and the tide doesn't rise, to be wife; and a man who's married isn't available, he already has one. Is cheating in his head so prevalent that it's the norm?

It ended between Michael and I yesterday when he said to me that sometime he'd like to come up, take me to lunch, bring a box of Godiva and include a foot massage...damn him for knowing that I'd love that. He asked me to forgive him and told me that he hadn't intended to lead me on. I responded that he hadn't until that moment...that telling me that he'd show up someday was social noise that I knew would never happen.

Coming to my home town and sharing a meal was no different then the time we would have spent together next month that he had just cancelled on me. He told me he'd like to stay friends...(I fell into my comfort zone of shutting down;) didn't say so to him, but he had already told me 3 times this week by cancelling, that he wouldn't. There isn't anything left to say.

I saw my regular doctor yesterday...yeah, Mr. 'Wishing my wife had a diaphram'...he's had another two kids since I've known him. We've been together now for 20 years. He's been my constant port in a storm...equivalently, the brightest man I've ever known...and I was engaged to a neurosurgeon. I've been to parties at his house, I have his cell number...I had a warmth and affection for him...I thought he would always be there. After my visit, I went to the front desk to make my appointment for 3 months from now and his receptionist told me that he was only working until the end of the year...he was taking a 3 year sabbatical...he didn't tell me; I don't know if I'll ever see him again; he didn't say goodbye.

Heart's On Fire

Hi Fran. Oh gosh, so I guess you are spending a lot of time at home on the internet since you can't get out! Well, maybe this will help pass the time! (tee hee!)

You know, I'm having some guilt about this, but I am just not feeling comfortable talking to E right now. I'm sure she's told you she's a bit like an adopted mother to me (I don't currently have a relationship with my mother). But E can be really harsh in the way she says things and I have been finding that over the last couple years I have been less and less able to handle that harshness. I don't know if it has anything to do with my own softening process but it seems like whenever I talk to her I have to turn into a raging maniac to deal with her and "do battle" with her, and lately I just don't want to go there. It just takes too much energy out of me and I can't remain in a feminine frame of mind when talking to her. I'm really pissed at M for dying because he was always the calm voice of reason of the two of them and I'm just not sure that I'll be able to talk to her with M there to interpret. Anyway, I hadn't been on the board for a very long time and I got back on specifically so that I wouldn't burden E with my stuff while she is dealing with her own grief. That long tirade she laid on me was very defeating for me and made me feel like a complete failure. I felt completely broken down and I was crying for days afterwards. You have always had a softer approach that I have always liked and appreciated and that's why I wanted to talk to you.

Well, first I wanted you to know that you were right about J, if I never told you. He did have a solid head on his shoulders, for the most part. It was just that we were really not a good match in the end. I think a lot of what happened was that we saw some major compatibilities in significant areas and were so blown away by it that we didn't stop to look at the little things (and a couple big things) that could (and did) really undermine the relationship. I guess it's a good thing that the marriage only lasted about a year and a half - the whole relationship lasted about 3.5 yrs.

So I moved out from J at the end of last year (12/31 actually!) and had been moping around by myself for the first few months. Then at the beginning of May I had kind of an epiphany and decided I would just focus on being present and finding joy in every day. For about a month I was on a really good streak of feeling great and getting a lot done, both personally at home and professionally. Business picked up and I was feeling really sucessful. And for the first time in my adult life I was without a man BY CHOICE and I was really happy being by myself.

I posted that long-ass post about how things went with us and you can always re-read so I won't rehash it all but here are a couple of points I don't know if I made before:

Then I ran into B was reintroduced to him and I felt like when he asked me out something jumped out of my chest and hooked up with him. I have never felt anything like that before and we had an immediate connection that was very intense and moved very quickly. He kept talking about how much he liked me and how much it scared him. He shared a lot with me about his past relationships and told me a couple things that he said nobody else knew. I believe he was being sincere. I've had the opportunity to talk with a couple of his friends and one of them made a statement that implied it has taken B a long time to mature. Another friend, though (one I am becoming better friends with) said that B is very skittish and is very concerned about his freedom/independence so I shouldn't push him at all.

So anyway, it's been three weeks since I've heard from him but here's what has happened in the last week and a half or so. I started getting "group" emails from him, where I was bcc'd on a list. I got them from him occasionally while we were seeing each other, but a lot of them were political in nature. I hadn't gotten anything in a while. Then almost two weeks after I last heard from him I suddenly received a "group" email, some stupid video on youtube. My first thought was that he had probably added me to a big group of recipients while we were seeing each other and forgot that I was included and probably didn't even realize he was sending them to me. Then a few days later, another email with a link to an article that published several journal entries from a woman who lived with her husband on a schooner in the 30's. Then a few days later I got one of those chain emails, you know, where there's a bunch of lovey-dovey sayings "people love you," "you have friends," etc. and it asks you to forward the email to 8 other people including the sender and something wonderful will happen. Well, my policy is that I never forward those things and besides I usually don't have the number of recipients they call for so I usually just delete them, which I did with this one.

But then later I started thinking, and I don't know if this is just my female brain trying to read into things and find a hidden message or something stupid like that. But I started wondering, maybe he was deliberately including me to see if I would respond. Maybe he is testing the waters, especially with that last one, to see if I would send it back to him. And then I started to get scared that if I didn't send it back that I was missing out on my chance to reconnect and he would give up for good. Oh my god, the brain can just torture me sometimes, you know?
I talked to a guy friend last night who said to totally ignore him, that yes, if he really wanted to get in touch with me directly, he could and would. And I think he's right.

I still miss him terribly and I do think my feelings for him are genuine, because I still have strong feelings for him even though a lot of the other stuff has faded away (all the lusty stuff and the total swoony stuff - I'm not sure how to describe it). But after having some time to de-oxy and get some perspective I can see how I was expecting a lot from him and it was putting pressure on him. I didn't think at the time it was unreasonable because I was in it and I was mainlining oxy and just wanted my next fix. But I think now that if we had the chance to try it again it would be a little easier for me to be more casual about it and not be so fixated on what I was and wasn't getting from him. I would want to focus more on developing a friendship.

I've been having urges over the last couple days to text him or something and just say " I was expecting too much" or something like that. This is the first time that I have been inclined to go back and give a relationship another try - usually when things fall apart, after spending some time away I totally detach and can't understand why I was ever attracted to the guy, but so far with this one, that hasn't been happening. I do feel like something is different about this one.

What do I do? Just wait it out the full 8 weeks? He still has my stuff - those pieces of that collection of stuff I wanted to sell. Do I contact him about that? Do I drop a hint to his friend (who, incidentally played a part in us getting together - she was playing a bit of matchmaker and told him something I had said) and see if it gets anywhere? Do I maintain total radio silence and see if he just shows up eventually?

I am still really concerned about the possibility of screwing things up again, as it seems I continually do, but I really do think I want to give it another try. I know that I need to find happiness on my own, but I also can't ignore the happiness I felt when I was with him. I'm pretty confused right now. And it probably doesn't help that I'm starting my period so I'm not thinking very straight and my emotions are all over the place! :-P

hugs,
S
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Hi Sweety...this is easy...don't do anything until the 8 weeks are up. It doesn't matter if it took him a long time to mature--he's there now; or even if he's running from you because he's feeling a noose tightening around his neck and every bone in his body is telling him to run fast, run far and don't look back. Eventually, if he feels that having you in his life is better than not having you in his life, he'll come back.

But I do have a question...do you really want to be getting the crazy group emails from him? Or, would it be easier for you if you just blocked them? I wouldn't over-think your being placed on the list--it doesn't mean anything to men that you are there. I once had to beg a guy and his partner for about 8 months to remove me from their mailing lists because it meant nothing one way or the other to them PERSONALLY. It was just business to have more names on their list than not.

Your friend is correct, if your fireman wanted to be in contact, he would and you MUST allow him the space to miss you or he will never feel that it was his decision to claim you, chase you, and capture you. Masculine men have that 'competition' thing. Pat calls it their need to compete, conquer and control. And the truth be told, by staying away from him, you're giving him that gift...of figuring out that he really wants you. it may be that the timing is wrong and he needs to stay away for longer than 8 weeks, but eventually, if you're the right woman, he'll be back.

Can you wait out the full 8 weeks before you sell the collection? 8 weeks is a perfect time to drop a hanky. If not, do you have someone who can pick the stuff up for you? Then he doesn't get his 'fix' of seeing you while he's still figuring out whether or not he needs you in his life.

xxx
F