Janus and Mortal Men

Janus, the G-d of transitions; beginnings and endings...of gates and doorways who both looks to the future and the past.

I had an email this morning from a man--an MMA fighter-- asking for my wisdom (I'm smiling) trying to navigate the online dating world while in his soul is transitioning from his single life to being ready for a married one...his life as a husband and father.

His criteria is that she be young, Catholic and a virgin; that is the foundation that he wants to build his future relationship and family on. He said that he's been patient and disciplined so that he can give 100% of himself to his future spouse and wants the same in return. He has a couple of dates set up for next month, but he's not enthusiastic about any of them. Of the ones that he's writing to, and the one that appears to be the most excited about meeting him he writes: she seems like a nice, educated girl with a similar world-view,  however, she has openly admitted to me that she's not a virgin, so I don't want to put her through needless heartache or waste her time. I'm actually surprised at how frustrated I am over this. I'm not big on settling or compromise. I'm trying to be smart and picky. My friends are telling me to give up on the entire NJ/NY scene and either look in PA or move to FL where some of them live. I have tremendous ties and a good thing going with the NJ MMA scene and the connections I've made. I don't think that is necessary but the majority of girls I regularly encounter are not what I consider wife and mother of my kids material.

(I'll save my response to him for my next blog.)

There you have it--a God who walks among men. I've seen this over and over; I just wrote about this a few days ago in my 'Happy Day' blog. Yes, there are men who will go out every weekend looking for a sexual partner with no forethought of more than release. But in reality men think far less of the women that they have just had sex with than most women know. When you listen really closely, they complain. There is such joy in knowing that there ARE good men out there ready for the right women to come into their lives. All that women need to do is to behave appropriately enough for him to be proud to announce to the world that 'THIS is my wife'. I've seen so many times foolish women complaining that I was good enough to live with him, good enough to have his baby, good enough for blah, blah, blah (fill in the blank) but I'm NOT good enough to be his wife? Correct--you don't behave like a wife until you are one, you have no one to blame but yourself for the lack of the relationship that you ultimately wanted. A man will spend years sleeping with a woman might be feeling a physical connection with, but not an emotional one.

I had another request this week for some advice from a woman who had read in a man's profile "when she closes her arms around a man, she never opens them again"  She asked him what he meant and he said 'that he cannot stand women who look for the highest bidder. That he is tired of women looking for the best deal . That he wants her to stay with him until he dies. When a woman is with someone and she is looking around, that is not love'.

I responded to her that IF he's telling you the truth, this guy has his 'looking for a permanent relationship' sign on. he is ready to find the woman he's going to marry. His player days are over; his days of 'maybe' I'll be with this one and trade up to a better model when she gets old are over. If you're looking/ready to be a wife, this man is a good bet. pat always says that we take a risk on a finite, fallible human being...he's worth the risk of dating, because by continuing to pursue you with mail contact when he could have disappeared, it he has a genuine interest in KNOWING you, not just sleeping with you. He's obviously has had experiences with women who were less than committed to a relationship with him...now what he brings to the table or not, we don't know yet...but i would urge you to give this guy a chance. It may very well be that he's initially clumsy socially--and he was looking for a reaction from you to start a conversation. Or it may be that he wisely pushed your buttons. Some men get attention being good, some men get attention being bad... if he wrote to you and said ''s up'? like lazy men in the online dating world, would you have had any reaction to him at all? Yes, feminine woman look for a good deal, but he hasn't made a offer for a deal to have you--and there's no way to know what he is offering until you go out with him. How you justify this to a man is by not telling him that you are dating others.You get an offer and make a decision while you're still getting offers from other men--until you decide that he's worth risking a monogamous relationship with.

Cavemen

This week started with nip from a 'stupid monkey'. No, I'm not calling him stupid, that's his screen name. He copied my writing to use in his own blog--with some 'comments' of his own. They weren't unkind, just unnecessary. I asked him to remove his page since I have my own blog, but he refused...perhaps annoying stupid monkey would be a better screen name. Some years ago I can remember a woman who would become a mentor say that it was me--that there was a magic in me; a power that would always have lessor mortals try to take, but that for whatever they try to steal, what they can't steal is that 'magic'.

Because of the theft, I'm having more hate on that site than ever. I'm perfectly willing to accept that in some instances male behavior needs some deconstruction to have me understand it, so I asked a few men that I respected from the site, why? One responded: Neanderthals:, what did you expect? You're a woman, and you're strong in your opinions...that's why. (So it's a challenge to their sack.)  So, off to find another member of the species, this time a Neanderthal--a fighter--the same question. He told me it's because you're in a room full of alpha males and you're NOT clamoring for their attention. They need to know their sexual power over you, they need to know that THEY are the most desired man in 'the room', and you're completely unaffected by them. If you would have shown them pictures of your tits and ass and asked for their opinion, you'd be revered.

But the truth is that with rare exception I'm not interested in knowing them. It's their lack of effort. It doesn't matter to me if someone that I've never heard of, someone who's posts I've never read, someone who's new to the boards, someone who's never said a damn interesting thing posts that 'they don't like me'. Who cares? Hit the ignore button don't read what I've written and make us both happy...but then I realize that they can't...they don't want to ignore me...what they want is my attention and reaction. And I know that, because every time one comes buzzing around and annoys me, I offer to place them on my ignore list and they instantly stop. You would think that after all this time, and all of the men that have tried the flame wars with me that they would realize that I'm just better at it than they are...but like hollow little tin soldiers, they keep popping up and trying.

I've been busy working on the corporate financials due in less than 2 weeks so I had a couple of phone calls yesterday telling me that the board was lit up with one thread after another about me. I have very little interest in reading what was said. The warrior in me keeps laughing at the fools knowing that are nothing more than circus dogs jumping up and down, clamoring for my attention. So they make it worse and worse, waiting, hoping for a reaction--any reaction...I've had enough training to know that boys either work to get attention by being good or being bad...there is a difference between being a bad boy--which is attractive and a straight up bully...which comes from a place of cowardice and damaged...which clearly, these men are.

I'm particularly amused by one poster (I don't know who it is--I just heard about the thread) saying that he owned me. Lol. Nothing could be further from the truth of his own delusion. I owned him the moment that he had the first thought of leaving the boards, taking his time to google me, taking his time to find me, taking his time to go back to the boards and start a thread, and funniest of all, I heard that he claimed that I had 'sparkling eyes'-- which is highly unlikely, since no one has ever told me that in my life. And all I needed to do was to stand still. He actions had him 'owned' by me every second of his thoughts consumed...lol--completely enchanted by my sparkling eyes. I guess the only thing he can claim that he 'owns' is the that now everyone knows he holds the title of  internet stalker; congratulations on your achievement--you worked hard for it.

But, there is the other kind of caveman...the one that is alluring...I can remember a couple of years ago my friend Patti--who is also an MMA fan (she edits for another MMA site) and I talking about fighters who we thought would be great in bed. I picked a guy who I'm not attracted to at all, but someone that I thought would be a wild time....Clay Guida...hands down...it's the 'pounce factor' that he has. Sex with him would be some kind of 'hanging upside from the chandeliers', 60 grappling positions in 60 seconds, freaky hit and run that would leave you the next day unable to describe in words what had just happened.

I once had dinner in San Francisco once with a guy who was a colleague; we were also just a little more acquaintenced than that--I had gone to his house (his girlfriend there) on 4th of July to see the fireworks over the Hudson river in Manhattan. I am not, and never was romantically attracted to him. David is not attracted to me either. I've known him through several relationships and singlehood--there wouldn't ever be anything romantic between us. But we had dinner together--I wasn't that hungry; he ordered... we shared one plate of food.  He knew absolutely nothing of what I felt in the experience of sharing this meal. our conversations remained neutral--it was the totality of the experience of the evening that made it memorable.

In fact, have to say that it was the most sensual, intimate cavewoman/caveman experience I've ever had. the civilized parts of us ate with forks, the primitive parts ate with our fingers, he broke apart pieces of a chicken and pushed it to my side of the plate.  I  saved part of the potatoes and carrots for him because I knew he was enjoying them. There was a level of intimacy that was incredible. He was taking care of me as a woman, he offered half of what was his to me. Whether he had hunted and killed, or paid another hunter, it was no less provision for a woman that he cared for. 

It would have been easy that night to have had him drag me by the hair, lay me close to the fire inside of his cave and sleep next to me....

I talked to El about this and she said:  Fran dear heart, you're a VERY sensual woman, and also a strong woman who wants a strong man. To have one sort of man you will almost assuredly have to give up other qualities that are also important to you. You have to sort-out and decide what's more important --because you probably can't have it all! If you want the sensual above the strength, then you're not going to find a man as strong as you'd like (because a man that strong is also going to be pretty much insensate, no reveling in delicate touch). Mine is strong enough for me -- but that means he takes no pleasure in non-sexual touch. Massage doesn't do anything for him unless he's worn himself out at work, and then only because it helps him SLEEP! Petting me when we're watching TV never crosses his mind, because his fingers are not sensitive enough to take any feedback (or pleasure) from it. I can't ask him for a back rub, because he's not able to be gentle enough not to hurt me. {shrug} Would I LIKE a man who found his own sensual pleasure in stroking my leg when we're watching TV? Absolutely!! Would I be willing to give up Michael's aggressive masculinity for it? No. So, I have to give up on my desire for that sensuality in him. {appreciate} (The man you have, not the man you want!
I replied:

I'm sorry that Michael isn't able to provide those moments of sensuality for you...I don't think I could have a happy relationship without one. I do enjoy he sensual as well as the sexual and frequently when I'm in a relationship, the two are tied. I like playfulness in bed and the experience of the sensual through playfulness with cool spring water on hot summer nights, bathing each other...to me it's about the total experience of being lovers. I would hope that in having an alpha male, his femininely balanced masculine energy would allow for both when appropriate. It would be a very empty relationship without this--this is my most feminine expression of my sexuality. Without the sensual enjoyment, I would feel sexually used by a man.

It is NOT that I am comparing this meal to another man's offerings and wishing for the same memory--I am not. I've had other wonderful meals with men and entirely different memories.
What it IS about is inspiration. Either there is nothing about him that I want to continue to get to know or there is. That's the experience. I saw a different side of David that night, and it brought me unexpected pleasure. Give me a place of connection and you have my attention.

Love and Death

Death has come up a few times for me this week, so I guess I should write my thoughts on it. Kathy popped by a few nights ago and religion, as always is a topic of discussion between us. She's so devoutly Christian and I'm so fascinated by the comparative religions, that it's always a learning process. She told me that since she's moved into an over 55 community, that she has many conversations about death, G-d and ethics. It is her experience that many Jews aren't sure of whether or not G-d exists, because if he did, then why would so many have perished during World War II? She talked about her fear, not of death, but of not being prepared to grow old. And then she said something to me that I think is a fascinating concept...that G-d doesn't look at death the way that humans do. When you compare different religions, it is the human experience of the interpretation of what death and afterlife means.

For a moment I thought about L. and his past Mormon upbringing. I heard him say once that *IF* God exists, I'll apologise (for the non-belief) when I get to heaven. Does life's disappointments lead you to fall that far away?

This morning E. wrote about the sudden death of her husband from a heart attack this past summer. For all of the past pain that she had felt for his depression, that there is always pain for loving someone who is depressed on many different levels. It's a woman, sharing a man's pain (because we compassionate); it's the pain of not having your relationship with that man not be all that you had hoped and dreamed of including not having your needs met or the love returned in ways that are the most meaningful to you. There is the pain of not being able to care take well enough, to sooth or heal them enough. The fear of the possibility of suicide and that potential pain as well as the emotional torture of not knowing that if it's something you, personally, did or didn't do that has our hearts aching for another's pain. My mother used to tell me how difficult it was being a mother because her child's pain was always her pain as well. El said that because of her love for her husband; because she knew the depth of his depression; and that she loved him in spite of his despair, she would have stayed with him when he died so that he didn't have to die alone. It was his perception that he was unloved--and she would have been with him to prove that he was loved. She said that she thought suicide was a bad choice, but people are allowed to make bad choices.

I'm not sure that I agree with that. In a different way, I completely understand what she wrote. When my father was dying of cancer, he kept saying that he wished he were already dead, that he had thought about it at the time that he had some availability to arsenic and 'why didn't he take some when he wanted to'? I thought about it, because he didn't ask me directly, but voiced his emotional pain--could I really help him commit suicide if he asked me to? And my answer was yes, that I could. That there was enough love and respect for his decision of how to live or how to die that I could without any guilt; without any higher moral authority deciding when he would live or when he would die.

So, I asked to see someone that I knew well enough to know that it would remain private, and I brought my father's heart medication with me. I closed the door and asked him how much of each...and he told me.

My father didn't ever ask me to assist in his suicide, but he stopped eating. I KNOW that part of the terminal process of cancer is that a patient does become anorexic--but my father went through world war II as a survivor and he saw first hand death from starvation....and truthfully, for as much as I know about medicine, I couldn't tell you which one was the determining factor in his death. But as El said,  in wanting to be with her husband so that he wasn't alone, there is a privilege in being with someone at their death. They brought you to life in one way or another and there is nothing more caring than in their last moments not to be alone. My mother died alone in a hospital and it kills me that she did because she kept asking me, how come you don't call me? How come you don't come to visit?....and when I did, I would stay for a half hour and leave. I was all caught up in work, and I knew she was dying. She was my best friend and I didn't have the emotional capacity to know how to deal with her death...and I have guilt over that. I was far closer to her than my father--and yet I took care of him every day. I was ten years older when he died, and many more years wiser with the compassion and strength it took to be there.

Happy Day or Haagen Dazs?

M. wrote:

Will someone please help me stop?!?!?

I know it's the oxytocin making me crazy but since it's now been 1 week since our 2nd date and no call/text, I've managed to convince myself that the Cl. thing is one of those two-date wonders and he's now dropped off the face of th earth never to be heard from again. I mean, how hard is it to send a text message for God's sake? So no contact for a full week is really not a good sign.

I'm not going to say this "always" happens to me but it sure has happened A LOT in my dating past. I don't get it. Why do men do this? Normally I would just be annoyed and move on since I'd figure "he's not that into you" but with Clayton it's different. I KNOW he's into me. I'm not imagining things went well when they didn't... I KNOW the dates were both waaaay up there as far as good dates go. Even from a physical chemistry perspective alone - I hope this isn't too graphic but when we had all that passionate kissing I, um, could tell he was aroused :). You'd think he'd want a 3rd date just to try his luck!! (since he has no idea yet that I'd pull the no casual sex card).

And yes, I realize everything is just words words words... but I'm baffled as to how a guy can tell you how much he likes you, that you're amazing, all these bloody compliments, take you to one of the most expensive restaurants in town...and then pull away. I mean, he was even going on this tangent about the Myers-Briggs personality types and what type I was and then looking it up on my phone to see how I supposedly am in relationships and our compatibility (it was good).

Isn't it too early for him to be rubber banding or whatever, or going on an 8 week wait? I thought you had to have more of an actual established relationship for that. The only possible explanation I can think of is that he's already gone on holiday - he did mention that he had a trip back to his hometown (a 4-hour plane ride) for a few days and then from there the Turks & Caicos with his buddies. I never asked when or for how long. It just seems weird that he would go away without so much as a peep!!! Is this some lame 29-year-old guy method to "keep me on my toes" (as he referred to)... since it was probably obvious from the look in my eyes that I was smitten?

Anyway, now my phone is ringing off the hook with all these duty dates and I can't get excited at all. The only one I'm somewhat tempted by is C. just because he's so masculine and I feel like making out with him (or more) would possibly unbond me from Cl.

Ugggggh I'm so miserable. Now I feel so stupid for letting myself be vulnerable and getting hooked on him from just 2 measly dates and some kissing. :(

OK M.--Your crys for help are here being answered...you need to get yourself off of the rollercoaster....go for a run, take a zumba class, a nice hot bath, go feel the fabric of some pretty clothes, take a stroll through a pet shop. You need to do some 'feel good' things to stop the rumination of the addictive thoughts caused by the oxytocin going on inside of your head.

One of a few things could be going on- this may be 'man time' which is very very different from 'woman time'. while every second feels like an eternity, men compartmentalize--IF he's busy with work, a sick relative, heading on vacation, dating, taking a break from dating, thinking about going back with an ex--whatever--he's not thinking about you.

This is why we always give a guy 8 weeks to call before becoming grumpy...his time-frame from having a thought to having it move into the feeling center of his brain (as in he's missing you) could take up to 8 weeks. However, having said that, I've had men call me back 8 months to a year later telling me that they weren't ready then, but are now. You don't know what the universe has planned for you--but there is the saying that  'rejection is protection'--and if he doesn't come back to you, then he wasn't meant to. His being gone clears the way for the right man to come into your life.

I can tell you, that according to men that i know, sometimes things that get hot and heavy right away--although a man will jump on it--ultimately complain. Let me give you two examples....and both of these women slept with guys on their first dates. One is a friend who told me about a beautiful girl he met in
Las Vegas...he told me that was inside of every orafice within 2 days of meeting her...she was so very sure she was in love...he felt nothing but gratification. Second guy was my brother--and although he ended up in a relationship with this girl--she pursued him the entire time they were together. He laughed when he said to me that she thought, that he thought she must be special. He said to me 'I had known her 6 hours, how special could she have been to me?'

Whether or not you slept with him, he might just be feeling a physical connection to you, but not an emotional one. Men are charming. they are or we wouldn't like them so much. You have to ask yourself, that if you responded to his charm the way that you did, wouldn't other women? And the answer is of course. So all of the 'myers briggs' compatabliity look ups and the 'wouldn't a relationship be great' is just whipped cream on the ice cream to get you to respond positively to him...and it worked.

As for him going away and not a peep from him, he doesn't owe you that. You're not his mom or his girlfriend. Would it have been nice? Sure, but you can't put your head on his shoulders...and THAT should be grounding for you. You're more invested in this than he is.

Now here's your bit of scolding....we don't get to call a guy lame just because he isn't doing what you want, when you want. And we both KNOW that it's only the men that keep up on our toes that we're interested in. those are the men that excite us with possibility.

Keep duty dating--that's the point; to practice retaining your excitement when you are and restraining yourself from the Haagen Dazs when you're not.

Today's Stream of Consciousness

Michael and I talked on the phone yesterday before he headed off to teach in his BJJ gym. He giggles alot. I guess that's why he tells me that every day when we write, I bring a smile to his face and to please not stop. In his last note, he told me his gym nickname in Portuguese or that I might call him 'Uncle Mike". I told him that 'Uncle Mike' was my father and that I'd never call him that, but under the right circumstances I just might call him 'daddy'. He replied: How does one get oneselves in a situation, where... maybe, just maybe.... you would call me daddy... Would love the chance.. ;) XOXO Much love, Michael.

It's nice to have an 'opponent' who's as equal a class A flirt as I am. I'm missing that and wished that it was real, but it's not any more real than the flirting with the guys behind the deil counter when I ask them what they would recommend or the waiters when I reach my hand out and let them take to help me down the stairs to my table while I'm smiling and giving them an eye flirting by lowering my eyes and looking back into theirs in an act of submission.

I was dumping some old emails and came across the last note I had gotten from L.

Um ok... I got an idea too, don't visit me in NJ. I'm glad your old fashioned. Everyone needs a value set... Mine is that of a 13 year old. Don't worry, won't send you another text or message. And your very welcome to stay on my website... Even though I'm a little hurt by your message since, you were the one who led me this direction... Let me give you advice, in the future after flirting and teasing, it's import to just write, "went to far" sorry. Not a full page disortation.... Btw yes your message is that stinging and out of the blue, I'm hurt. Bye!

I wish I could go back in time and change that moment with him, but I can't--I tried. He knows himself certainly better than I ever would, and if he said that his value set was that of a 13 year old, I have to believe that. I wish that I would have been able to have motivated him to have modified his behavior, but at that time, his anger was bigger than his heart. I've never forgotten his kiss, and it saddens me most of all is that he kept his promise...I've never heard from him again. But it is also the truth that he needed to leave or he wouldn't have gone through the emotional changes that E. forced  him to go through. She was a gift to him. It wasn't the gift he wanted; but none the less she was a gift.

I was talking to one of the girls on one of the relationship site that I moderate, I asked her if she had tried to behavior modify her date; she said:

I didn't say anything reasonable to him about how I didn't like his behavior. Instead I went into a sort of haze and even made out with him later that night. I'm ashamed of that and also interested in why I would get so out of touch with my feelings and act against my better judgement in that way. I guess knowing these options for communicating will give me a way out of auto-pilot next time something like this happens with another man.

About blind-siding... I understand that I shouldn't block M's number BUT I don't want to answer him if he calls. What in the world could I say to him now? Also, can a man really change from that kind of dramatically awful into a gentleman? Shouldn't a person just KNOW not to act like that around someone he barely knows? I'm not one of his 'boys.' ....

I responded:

Don't beat yourself up over this--you liked him--this is just a big tug between your head and your heart and we all learn in baby steps.

You're having gone into a haze was just you protecting yourself from being hurt--we can't blame you for that. But walking Pat's walk is learning how to effectively communicate with the opposite sex. I always compare us as cats trying to get along with dogs. And I don't mean that disparagingly--we're just two different species struggling for intimacy...to be understood, accepted and ultimately irreplacably loved.

You may be able to find the voice of your heart next time--maybe not--maybe partially--but know that this is a process... one of you finding your way home to your truest self.

*IF* you choose to unblock M's number, or *IF* you would consider dating him again (and I'm NOT saying that you should) you could always say that you needed some time and space away from your last date to process what you were feeling and that you felt that any interaction from him would only confuse you until you were clear about how you felt and what you ultimately didn't want. (Remember as feminine energy we come from a place of don't want). You didn't want to feel embarrassed that he saw you as less than worthy in front of strangers. you didn't want to feel uncherished in being forced to stand while he sat,  You didn't want to be uncomfortable as his treating you like one of the boys instead of a woman...on and on until you're clear. Maybe writing them here will help you peel back the layers of what you were really feeling--then we could help you formulate what you would say to him if you choose to. I think it would be a good exercise for you.

But to answer your question, yes, a man CAN change that much. I've seen it. But unfortunately I wasn't on the receiving end of his love. I wished that I was, but it was another woman. I watched him grow--and grow up--telling her on one of his blogs that he had changed and how sorry he was that he had behaved like a 16 year old--(with me, he said 13, but that was a few years beforehand.) I'm sad that it wasn't me, but some other woman that he loved and lost gave him an emotional circumcision, and NOW at 43, he finally like a man.

Yes, it might have been the oxytocin 'haze' that has you turning emotionally, but if you keep dating and 'smelling' other men, it confuses the body and the addictive chemical reaction.

Pat says that we keep dating--even the one's without chemistry until he stops calling, or someone else takes you off the market because you never know if and when the chemistry may develop...it has absolutely happened for me 'late'. Once was with a man I had known for a year and I thought he was a bit of an ass; we were at a holiday party chatting--all was well--then he kissed me on the neck goodnight--and everything inside of me gasped...for a moment,  I couldn't breathe...bingo and oh my gosh instant chemistry!

Another time was with a guy who was relentlessly pursuing me--it took me 10 weeks of dating him before I would even let him kiss me! But the chemistry eventually happened and we dated for about a year.

Even on your duty dates it is still your job to look good, sound good, smell good, taste good and feel good. What this man is paying for when he is dating you is the joy that he gets of being in your company for those few hours. If you're behaving like you don't want to be there, you can't expect a man to be inspired to call, so I give your guy credit for trying again.

Comfort

I've spent the last 48 hours or so being involved in some online nonsense over what I consider to be my intellectual property. I had responded to a man on a site that I frequent over his asking for opinions on whether a woman should 'potty' in front of  her boyfriend.

I responded:

This is a girl, not a woman--and I even use that term loosly....perhaps a man with a vagina would be more aptly put.

A woman should retain not only some outward modesty, respect for his privacy and keep the allure of her sexuality under wraps. Now his memories of her are her bowel functions instead of her raw unbridled, uninhibited, explored sexuality.

He has lost the fantasy of her, forever. Where and how deeply a woman choses to explore the layers of her sexuality and share that with a man is her business. but dropping fecal matter in a toilet front of a man is different.

This is the same as burping, farting and other uncouth acts that don't belie a woman's femininity. Men are drawn, enticed and seduced by the differences between men and woman, not their similarities. In fact, I'm not even sure that a man should be in the delivery room when a woman gives birth...what has been seen cannot be unseen and it changes PERCEPTION forever.  And as I said, even in a marriage, I believe there are some things that should remain private. A woman should never forget that this man is her LOVER and behave in his presence accordingly--she's NOT one of the guys.

To be a feminine is to be hidden, soft and modest. There is a place in a woman's life to be untamed...and it's not openly sharing a bathroom.

He has lost the woman who comes to his bed powdered and perfumed willingly waiting to be taken, released from sociatal moires and constrictions. Every dream he has ever had in reliving those moments of having her gasping at her most raw, most sexual, most desiring of having him entered in every part of her being has been reduced in one moment... to 'plop'...

Her confusion on this issue leads me to wonder if perhaps the Europeans have it right after all, with finishing and charm schools; while we as American women, are left with a less than glimmering shadow of what women's liberation (eye roll) had intended; with a 'let it all hang out'; say whatever's on your mind without a filter; and the 'devil may care attitude' over what we do has ultimately left both sexes confused as to their roles and their gut reactions (typically of horror...).

Someone else on the site took my verbiage, copied it to HIS blog and added his own comments--his basic conclusion was that I was correct....OF COURSE I am. I was not, however, in any way happy that he in essence copied my opinions for his own use. He didn't respond on the thread, he saved them for his own blog.

I asked him to remove his blog page, and he refused, which started a battle on the site with most of the men siding with him and saying that they would rather have their eyes burned with hot pokers than read my writing; I'm OK with that...but they failed to realize that his 'flattery' of copying my opinions meant that he LIKED IT. Some people like my writing; some people don't, but everyone has an opinion--and that's what makes not only brilliance, but power....but I'll save that thought for another post.

I discussed this with a girlfriend last night, who is an published author-- since I've been working on the book on masculine/feminine energy for about a year and 'potty time' was indeed going to be included...she told me that this kind of thing runs rampant. And yes, there was a point in her first marriage where she would potty in front of her husband until one day he said to her 'you really shouldn't do that' and she stopped.

What is laughable to me is that the guy who 'lifted' my conversation for his blog actually asked me to provide him with the url address here. Does he really think that I'm dumb enough to give him access to steal more of my 'work' for his own benefit? Sorry buddy, but you're going to have to figure out how to have an opinion on something without me or work a whole lot harder to find me. I had alot of traffic to this blog overnight, so perhaps he, or others did.

It lead me to be thinking about comfort and the advice I gave to someone just last week regarding a guy whom she really liked. She had been waiting for him--like women do. Waiting for his calls, him to ask her out again, waiting for him to decide that she was the one he wanted to pursue a relationship with....waiting. And when they finally had the date she had been waiting for, his behavior was less than the sterling gentleman she had hoped that he was. He dropped f-bombs, told racist jokes, and generally behaved like an ass...while she said nothing to him during the date, but subsequently blocked him from contacting her again.

I said to her:

We as women are taught to live in our discomfort. I can remember my mother telling me at a very young age that 'if you want to be beautiful you have to suffer'. So we learn to suffer our diets and execise and the pain of waxing and plucking and menstrual cramps and childbirth--on and on. so when we're brought upon by some 'discomfort' we tend to hold it in and suffer through it.

This is about being able to GRACIOUSLY verbalize our discomforts and hope that a man rises to the occasion to ease our discomfort.

Some years ago, as I first began practicing Pat's teachings, I consciously 'played' at this. I was in Las Vegas at a conference, and a guy who I had just met had asked me to have breakfast with him. Now typically, I would have just aid I need to find the waitress and ask her to bring me some ketchup...but I didn't. All that I said was "I need ketchup". Bingo--like a jackrabbit he was up and getting it for me. I couldn't believe that it was that easy and that 'it worked'.

This is a deeper level of being able to voice your 'discomfort' at a man's behavior, but very necessary work because it lays the groundwork at being able to skillfully negotiate your relationship when the time comes for engagement, marriage or even being able to voice your 'entrance fee' for sex.

I realized this morning, that I haven't taken my own advice--which is either to withdraw or graciously verbalize my feelings on this. These are mostly 'street level' men--boys that haven't grown up or somehow think that it's OK to 'punch a girl' and get away with it sitting behind a keyboard. These aren't men, but piranahs who jump onto a feeding frenzy of hate the moment it appears. So, I think that it's in my best interest to withdraw to private messages on threads that I feel are important enough to address with the time and thought I've placed in the above posts.

Since I've been asked to moderate not one, but two different sites on relationships, it is obvious that there some very learned people who appreciate my 'getting it'. This has just been a matter of realizing that with very little exception on that site, instead of sitting in my discomfort, that my needs aren't being met and moving on.

Arrogance

I came across someone responding 'lol, poor guy' in her misunderstanding of a man's response and her own lack of feminine energy. She had written in her online profile in the 'what I'm looking for' section 'if you wish, you might send me a message letting me know why you think that I might be interested in a place in your life'. Ouch, that's incredibly brusk. She had a responder say to her that 'there appears to be a failure somewhere veiled in an arrogant demand'. Good for him. She said that he had written more, but she had chosen not to respond to him.
Initally, it might appear offensive that he would have made such a remark to her, but the reality is that he is right. I offered her my opinion:

Pat calls this 'topping from the bottom'...meaning that what appears to be a feminine request is actually back-handedly masculine. I'm going to presume that you're looking for an man with yang/masculine energy...am I correct? If I am, then your profile is written from the masculine. It is the men that vie for a position in our life by interviewing FOR us, not to a request of 'dance for me'--or in this case asking him to perform the task of 'tell me why'. Just like in a job interview where a man would be telling you all of his attributes of why he's the best candidate, so will a man who is interested in you--without asking. I didn't believe this until I started noticing that they would...that the emails I received from men who were interested in me were filled with men telling me all about their lives.

That dates that APPEAR to be of men bragging and bored to tears one sided conversations are actually men interviewing for a position in your life.

It's always a man's choice (as to who he dates) but a woman's perogative to say yes or no to what he offers.

Your responder is correct--it is arrogant and 'in your face' to say to a man 'tell me why I might be interested in being in your life'. Feminine energy is to be receiptive to what he might offer to bring to your life without asking for it. It might be easier to think of this as action verses reaction. He is a guy responding (reaction on his part) to your action of asking for a man to 'entertain you with his wit and purpose' instead of allowing him to do the entertaining (action) while you stand still..sweetly smiling (reacting).

Unless he has something else in his profile that is a blatent red flag, I'd ask you to reconsider him....here is masculine energy at it's finest...a man who's willing to go toe to toe with you--yang to yang--and let the better 'man' win...I'd betcha dollars to donuts he comes out the winner...and without knowing anything else about you, he already knows it.