Heart's On Fire

Hi Fran. Oh gosh, so I guess you are spending a lot of time at home on the internet since you can't get out! Well, maybe this will help pass the time! (tee hee!)

You know, I'm having some guilt about this, but I am just not feeling comfortable talking to E right now. I'm sure she's told you she's a bit like an adopted mother to me (I don't currently have a relationship with my mother). But E can be really harsh in the way she says things and I have been finding that over the last couple years I have been less and less able to handle that harshness. I don't know if it has anything to do with my own softening process but it seems like whenever I talk to her I have to turn into a raging maniac to deal with her and "do battle" with her, and lately I just don't want to go there. It just takes too much energy out of me and I can't remain in a feminine frame of mind when talking to her. I'm really pissed at M for dying because he was always the calm voice of reason of the two of them and I'm just not sure that I'll be able to talk to her with M there to interpret. Anyway, I hadn't been on the board for a very long time and I got back on specifically so that I wouldn't burden E with my stuff while she is dealing with her own grief. That long tirade she laid on me was very defeating for me and made me feel like a complete failure. I felt completely broken down and I was crying for days afterwards. You have always had a softer approach that I have always liked and appreciated and that's why I wanted to talk to you.

Well, first I wanted you to know that you were right about J, if I never told you. He did have a solid head on his shoulders, for the most part. It was just that we were really not a good match in the end. I think a lot of what happened was that we saw some major compatibilities in significant areas and were so blown away by it that we didn't stop to look at the little things (and a couple big things) that could (and did) really undermine the relationship. I guess it's a good thing that the marriage only lasted about a year and a half - the whole relationship lasted about 3.5 yrs.

So I moved out from J at the end of last year (12/31 actually!) and had been moping around by myself for the first few months. Then at the beginning of May I had kind of an epiphany and decided I would just focus on being present and finding joy in every day. For about a month I was on a really good streak of feeling great and getting a lot done, both personally at home and professionally. Business picked up and I was feeling really sucessful. And for the first time in my adult life I was without a man BY CHOICE and I was really happy being by myself.

I posted that long-ass post about how things went with us and you can always re-read so I won't rehash it all but here are a couple of points I don't know if I made before:

Then I ran into B was reintroduced to him and I felt like when he asked me out something jumped out of my chest and hooked up with him. I have never felt anything like that before and we had an immediate connection that was very intense and moved very quickly. He kept talking about how much he liked me and how much it scared him. He shared a lot with me about his past relationships and told me a couple things that he said nobody else knew. I believe he was being sincere. I've had the opportunity to talk with a couple of his friends and one of them made a statement that implied it has taken B a long time to mature. Another friend, though (one I am becoming better friends with) said that B is very skittish and is very concerned about his freedom/independence so I shouldn't push him at all.

So anyway, it's been three weeks since I've heard from him but here's what has happened in the last week and a half or so. I started getting "group" emails from him, where I was bcc'd on a list. I got them from him occasionally while we were seeing each other, but a lot of them were political in nature. I hadn't gotten anything in a while. Then almost two weeks after I last heard from him I suddenly received a "group" email, some stupid video on youtube. My first thought was that he had probably added me to a big group of recipients while we were seeing each other and forgot that I was included and probably didn't even realize he was sending them to me. Then a few days later, another email with a link to an article that published several journal entries from a woman who lived with her husband on a schooner in the 30's. Then a few days later I got one of those chain emails, you know, where there's a bunch of lovey-dovey sayings "people love you," "you have friends," etc. and it asks you to forward the email to 8 other people including the sender and something wonderful will happen. Well, my policy is that I never forward those things and besides I usually don't have the number of recipients they call for so I usually just delete them, which I did with this one.

But then later I started thinking, and I don't know if this is just my female brain trying to read into things and find a hidden message or something stupid like that. But I started wondering, maybe he was deliberately including me to see if I would respond. Maybe he is testing the waters, especially with that last one, to see if I would send it back to him. And then I started to get scared that if I didn't send it back that I was missing out on my chance to reconnect and he would give up for good. Oh my god, the brain can just torture me sometimes, you know?
I talked to a guy friend last night who said to totally ignore him, that yes, if he really wanted to get in touch with me directly, he could and would. And I think he's right.

I still miss him terribly and I do think my feelings for him are genuine, because I still have strong feelings for him even though a lot of the other stuff has faded away (all the lusty stuff and the total swoony stuff - I'm not sure how to describe it). But after having some time to de-oxy and get some perspective I can see how I was expecting a lot from him and it was putting pressure on him. I didn't think at the time it was unreasonable because I was in it and I was mainlining oxy and just wanted my next fix. But I think now that if we had the chance to try it again it would be a little easier for me to be more casual about it and not be so fixated on what I was and wasn't getting from him. I would want to focus more on developing a friendship.

I've been having urges over the last couple days to text him or something and just say " I was expecting too much" or something like that. This is the first time that I have been inclined to go back and give a relationship another try - usually when things fall apart, after spending some time away I totally detach and can't understand why I was ever attracted to the guy, but so far with this one, that hasn't been happening. I do feel like something is different about this one.

What do I do? Just wait it out the full 8 weeks? He still has my stuff - those pieces of that collection of stuff I wanted to sell. Do I contact him about that? Do I drop a hint to his friend (who, incidentally played a part in us getting together - she was playing a bit of matchmaker and told him something I had said) and see if it gets anywhere? Do I maintain total radio silence and see if he just shows up eventually?

I am still really concerned about the possibility of screwing things up again, as it seems I continually do, but I really do think I want to give it another try. I know that I need to find happiness on my own, but I also can't ignore the happiness I felt when I was with him. I'm pretty confused right now. And it probably doesn't help that I'm starting my period so I'm not thinking very straight and my emotions are all over the place! :-P

hugs,
S
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Hi Sweety...this is easy...don't do anything until the 8 weeks are up. It doesn't matter if it took him a long time to mature--he's there now; or even if he's running from you because he's feeling a noose tightening around his neck and every bone in his body is telling him to run fast, run far and don't look back. Eventually, if he feels that having you in his life is better than not having you in his life, he'll come back.

But I do have a question...do you really want to be getting the crazy group emails from him? Or, would it be easier for you if you just blocked them? I wouldn't over-think your being placed on the list--it doesn't mean anything to men that you are there. I once had to beg a guy and his partner for about 8 months to remove me from their mailing lists because it meant nothing one way or the other to them PERSONALLY. It was just business to have more names on their list than not.

Your friend is correct, if your fireman wanted to be in contact, he would and you MUST allow him the space to miss you or he will never feel that it was his decision to claim you, chase you, and capture you. Masculine men have that 'competition' thing. Pat calls it their need to compete, conquer and control. And the truth be told, by staying away from him, you're giving him that gift...of figuring out that he really wants you. it may be that the timing is wrong and he needs to stay away for longer than 8 weeks, but eventually, if you're the right woman, he'll be back.

Can you wait out the full 8 weeks before you sell the collection? 8 weeks is a perfect time to drop a hanky. If not, do you have someone who can pick the stuff up for you? Then he doesn't get his 'fix' of seeing you while he's still figuring out whether or not he needs you in his life.

xxx
F

Soul Gifts

J. One more thing I forgot to mention yesterday. I don’t know if we’ve ever talked about receiving ‘soul gifts’ from a man, but we should.

You can always ask a man for things…to buy you a house, a piece of jewelry or a couch, but what you can’t ask him for are gifts from his soul…he must choose to give them to you when it’s appropriate for him and when he has mustered up the courage to do so. Soul gifts include asking him for anything that is more, better or different than what he offers you. Soul gifts are asking him for more time, space, a direct commitment or sex. IF you ask him for any of the above, you are in effect emasculating him and either treating him like a child and asking him to do what you want him to do or asking that he change his energy from his masculine hunter—to feminine energy by receiving masculine energy from you—‘I want’ is masculine, ‘I don’t want’ is feminine.

So for example, you cannot ask a man to spend more time with you—‘I know you want to go out with your friends Saturday night, but I’ve only seen you once this week’. You cannot ask a man to spend the night making love with you. You cannot ask a man to pick you to love. Masculine energy moves toward a woman, feminine energy receives from a man. If you move toward him, you block him from coming to you which is what every man needs to do to win a woman’s heart, attention and affection.

By asking a man for a soul gift, you have in effect told him that you are unhappy with him…what he has offered you isn’t enough…and a man will always gravitate toward a woman he KNOWS he can make happy and away from a woman he can’t. Eventually, because of the bitching you did over the little things will cause him give up trying and say to you that you deserve a better man than the one I can be for you. You will have broken his spirit. I believe this is part of the reason A. is angry with you right now and lashing out on facebook. He offered you his love when you were sitting on the couch, you asked him to make it more special. He told you that he loved you every day; he told you that if it weren’t for your rules, you would be together. His pressuring you for sex afterwards was his needing to conquer you. He needed to know that he could win you away from another man and that your loosening your resolve of your natural virtuous nature would be the proof he needed that you were his. Again, a man NEEDS to conquer, compete and control his world.

I know that you are angry with the woman he had relations with, but calling her a slut reflects poorly on you—not her. It’s displaced anger. And I absolutely realize that ‘girl code’ in a perfect world would have stopped her from doing what she did. It was A.’s choice to sleep with her and that is where your anger should be directed not some crazy Jerry Springer cat fight. You don’t have a relationship with her, she didn’t have to honor your friendship above her choosing to sleep with him…and truth be told, you don’t have the right to ask that of any woman.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that there was a time in my life when I would have chosen girl code honor and loyalty above any guy. I’m not sure that I feel that way any longer…why should I give up my chance for happiness and romantic love over a girlfriend? She won’t be the one keeping me warm at night, building a future with me, or holding my hand when I come out of surgery. A husband will do that, not a girlfriend. A. was no longer your boyfriend; he had every right to sleep with whomever he wanted.

But it is now your job to remain light, breezy and above the fray. As a woman who is available you should be out dating, but keeping your casual affairs private. It’s not any man’s business to see you with another man in a photo on your facebook page. It’s not another man’s business to see who you were talking to when or who the object of your affections are—even if they are friendship related or fleeting. It isn’t appropriate until you are engaged—then joyfully announce it to the entire world.

There is no saying on your status how much you love talking to or being with D. That will always be construed in a man’s mind that you are having a physical relationship with him. Every man feels in his gut that woman and men cannot be friends—every man feels that there is always sexual interest on the man’s part; he’s just waiting for the moment that she says yes. Your facebook status should show you in a happy, happy, joy, joy place without naming names or events. Part of a woman’s allure is a little mystery. Your status should reflect this by using verbiage such as ‘It was a wonderful day…right now, I couldn’t be happier’. ‘Summer is here, and all is right with the world’. ‘Sun, sand, wind, water, smiles…my soul is at peace’. Today was filled with lots of giggles, I’m still smiling as I write this’. That will keep A. wondering why you life is just fine without him in it. It keeps him questioning who you’re with and what you’re doing when you’re not with him and why you’re so damn happy.

I do want to jump back for a moment and discuss asking for commitment as a soul gift because I said that you cannot ask a man directly for a commitment even when you are ready for one. Typically relationships go through a series of phases within a year—the last 3 months are the commitment phase. It is at that point that a man has gone through his seeing you as perfect, the next three the chinks in your armor begin to show and you’re not as perfect but he loves your quirks and can accept you as human instead of a goddess, the next three month he begins to question whether or not you might be the right woman to commit to and the last three are the negotiation phase where you come down from the love cloud and really begin to negotiate your lives together. At that point he’ll begin to question with you how many children do you see yourself having, where you would live together, etc.

IF, however, you are ready to make a commitment to be engaged and he has not had this conversation with you, you simply tell him that you have loved spending the last year of your life loving him and that you dream of being his wife but that you will only stay for as long as you can without a commitment from him. Nothing will make you happier than being a wife and mother, but if he cannot make a lifelong commitment to you that you owe it to yourself to find a man that will make your dreams come true. You then give yourself a date that is in your mind (don’t tell him—that makes it an ultimatum) such as 6 months, your birthday, whatever…and if he hasn’t shown up with a marriage proposal, you end your relationship with him. You have given him enough time to figure out whether he wants to spend his life with you or not—and any question that is not answered with a yes, is a no—there is nothing else. There isn’t anything a man is ever going to learn about you in two years that he didn’t know in one—and if he says he’s not ready, great, thank him for his honesty and move on to a man who is. You thank him silently for not wasting any more of your time waiting for him. Your childbearing years and beauty of your youth is finite. Youth and beauty doesn’t last forever, Men will always chose a woman for her youth, vitality and beauty. It’s almost stunning how little brains matter when it is compared to a woman’s beauty and sexuality for a man. But it is the yin to his yang and the balance of energies. If a man wanted an intellectual conversation, he could find that in another man. What he needs a woman for is her softness, sensuality and sexuality—that is her allure that makes a man want to give up his God given freedom for the irreplaceably of choosing one, only one special woman to cherish, protect and provide for.

A Woman's Worth

Hi J.—ahhh we do weave tangled webs…there are two things I’d like to talk to you about today but both are related to recognizing your value as a woman. The first is related to N. I know how very attracted you are to him and how excited you were over the possibility of dating him…but he didn’t ask, and so, as of right now, he’s to be considered to be out of sight and out of mind. You must find a way to meet other men to stop you from either thinking about him or A.

You’ve spent a lot of your time texting back and forth with N. but here is what you need to realize…by giving of your time so freely, N. has in effect gotten to learn about you and has gotten your time and attention without paying for it—as in a date—a real date where he takes you out to a show or a meal—and pays for the privilege of your company, your smile and attention. Right now he has your attention without truly earning your affection. I know that the rumor mill is that he is a player—and by giving him your time freely, you have played into his hand. Players play because women allow that to happen—and you already know he has a cadre of women ready, willing and able to be his sexual partner without him ‘giving’ anything to them other than moments of attention-when that isn’t nearly anything close to a good enough offer—not for you, anyway.

Women with low self esteem, who haven’t been properly loved, will accept crumb offerings from men who they gladly throw themselves at for so little offered to them. Women of value and valor will pay attention to the man who is most actively pursuing her and working hard to be worthy of a place in her life. Right now, N. is officially a time-waster in your life. You should begin to give him less and less of your time—no more than 5 minutes of texting. If he wants more of your time, he can date you. I know that you’re disappointed that he hasn’t asked, but you’re saying that now you would agree not to date him but hang-out with him. That behavior is in every way, shape and form a lowering of your standards…why wouldn’t you be good enough to date? The answer is that you are, and being willing to accept ‘less’ from a man just to have his attention is not the way to have a man love you…you must REQUIRE more from him. A man will not give you more than you require of him—always remember that. Accepting less from a man as ‘good enough’ makes you a door mat—the kind of woman he could walk all over and use—but that does NOT make you the kind of woman he would want to love. The behavior of accepting less from him makes you as common as the other women that he’s sleeping with—they too accept less just to have moments of his company. To set yourself apart and behave different is really a gift to a man. Men NEED to compete, conquer and control—that is what makes a man FEEL like a man—to know that he had a challenge, rose up to meet it and defeated/conquered what he had set out to do. No man wants a dead beast who walked itself up and landed on his doorstep and died…yes, he may eat that meat, but there was not the challenge of his having worked for the kill, and no pride in having done so.

I know that you’ve said that you aren’t in love with N.; I didn’t say that you were. I’m asking you to recognize oxytocin bonding and how quickly a woman’s body reacts to a man’s pheromones *IF* he has the right biocompatibility to produce an immunologically healthy offspring with you. You get giddy, can’t think of anything else but him; excitement over the possibility of new love sends you to the moon…recognize it when it happens…it will happen to you for the rest of your life…

And that brings me to A. who I know you have loved for a long time. He’s an ass…O.K. a bastard…alpha males are. If you want an alpha male, that is part of what you are getting…deal with it, or date a lesser beta male who is softer and more pliable. The only way to tame an alpha male is to hold your feminine ‘don’t wants’ without wavering. You don’t want to be treated poorly or lied to; you don’t want him to play games with you; you don’t want a physical relationship without a committed relationship; you don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t go to church with you on Sunday’s. You don’t want to have repeated arguments with him over these things… All that you can say to him is that you know that he is smarter than you are, that he can out-argue you every time and you don’t want to continue to do it…that’s just the way you feel, you won’t change your mind and you hope that he can understand your feelings on all of this. *IF* he is willing to accept your terms, than congratulations, you have just changed a mere man into a gentleman. If he chooses NOT to accept your terms for your relationship, wish him well, and release him back into the wild to find a woman with whom those things he wishes to remain in his life as status quo are a compatible match—and he has every right to find that better match. That woman will NOT be you, but believe sweetheart, that should you waiver on ANY of your relationship requirements, he will forever badger you about what HE wants from you because he will know forever more that with enough cajoling, and you will loosen your resolve and give into him.

I am NOT saying that you should have every one of your heart’s desires fulfilled by any man at every given moment. That’s neither realistic nor really what you would want from a partner. (Any man who says ‘yes dear’ to your every whim cannot garner your respect.) But the things that are non-negotiable to you—religion, physical relationship, commitment levels, illegal recreational activities etc. must be unwavering in your resolve. I.e. If you don’t date a guy who does drugs then you don’t fall in love with a guy who does drugs, you don’t marry a guy who does drugs and you don’t end up in a crappy marriage because if it. If you don’t date a guy who has lots of sexual partners, you don’t fall in a love with a guy who has had lots of sexual partners, you don’t end up with an STD that you didn’t have before he entered your life. Be mindful in your choices, have your non-negotiable clearly thought out and tread lightly in the dating world. It is only your promises to yourself that you keep that sets you apart from every other girl in the world-- while always remembering that it is your vulnerability to allow yourself to be loved by a man who is worthy of you that will always make you the most lovable. Remember always you are the prize to be won; but only after a man (by actions) proved himself worthy of having you.

Facebook

J--just one more thing....the F word...facebook. It is difficult at your age to have your life not be an open book because of how tied you are to social networking; however, some years ago I had a mentor tell me to "close my circle" of friends--no one gets in, no one gets out--after a several million dollar real estate deal suddenly disappeared by talking about it with my best friend (who showed up unannounced, but with flowers on my birthday). We talked for hours, and, of course the deal I had worked on all day long came up. She also worked in the field, but for a developer--and within a day my deal, my contract and ultimately, she was gone.

What I am saying to you, is that you can't trust the people that you think you can trust--because I certainly couldn't and I'm much further away from home town gossip than you are.

IF you are going to be multiple dating until a man proves himself worthy and takes you off the market, it would behoove you NOT to leave pictures of you with other men on your profile so that A. or anyone else that you might be interested in see pictures of you out at a party or harmlessly standing with another man's arm around you. I'm again going to stress for you the concept of lying for love. Right now, you should be letting as many men as care to shower you with symbols of their affection toward you. If you make one angry, he will no longer have his heart as open to courting you as he did prior to seeing you with another man.

IF you aren't ready to let go of hundreds of friends and the entire town knowing your life in pictures, I would suggest to you to have a separate facebook account for any new suitors to befriend you. I would be as prudent as possible about putting up pictures with other men. Have all of your girlfriends up with the fun times you've spent with them, your siblings, etc. but not pictures of you and other men you are dating. Your current friends can stay on your main account, but add and remove suitors as friends as they come in and out of your life without anyone who doesn't need to be privy to your most intimate details of your single dating life.

Lying for Love

Hi Fran. I have a problem. A. got mad because I still have one of D's sweatshirts at my house and he told me to get rid of it and I said no. He freaked out--then out of no where he apologizes and says he doesn't care because he's not my boyfriend but then he said he won't ask me to officially be his girlfriend until I get rid of the sweatshirt. What should I do? I like the sweatshirt and I'm tired of A. bossing me around. I don't wear it in front of him and that should be good enough.

J--is it not possible for you to hide it? I love giving you these life lessons in womanhood because they will serve you well and someday you will pass them to your own daughters.

A woman doesn't ever have to tell a man what she is doing or has done with another man--or more precisely, another suitor. You can very nicely explain to him that although *HE* might have thrown away all traces of you when you were no longer dating, that as a woman he needs to understand that you have stronger sentimental attachments of the people and things that have brought you fond memories AND although you do respect him enough not to wear it in front of him, no, you don't feel comfortable throwing it away and you won't do it.

A. is testing you, as all men do. There are two lessons for you in this. Number one don't EVER again give him a gift that you would be heartbroken KNOWING that he threw away. From this point forward until he is your husband, the monetary value of your gifts should be less than you have ever done before. He didn't appreciate what you paid for, so you can bake him cookies, make him a home cooked meal, massage his shoulders if he's weary...but these are more gifts from your soul to him than from your wallet.

Secondarily, A. is asking you to prove yourself worthy of his love. Do not fall into this trap--if you do, he will know that he has you "wrapped around his finger" and without ever giving you a commitment, he can play with you at his whim. He is the one who needs to prove himself worthy of having you. You are the prize he needs to fight for and win...and the truth is that when a man competes for and conquers a woman, you are giving him a great gift as a testament of his manhood. Men fight wars for the favor of a woman. Allow him to do what is necessary to fight for you while you are ever aware that right now you are a single woman until he takes you off the market for the price that you set for having you.

What I would like you to note, is that as a general rule, you should always have secrets from a man. He must never know everything about you. He will become bored with you instead of fascinated of ever evolving and deepening love as you reveal parts of yourself over time...but never give him all of yourself. I would encourage you to remember this even though out your marriage. You should have money set aside for your own peace of mind and financial security that your husband knows nothing about. Men leave their wives all of the time...be smart enough to have a safe place to fall into should it ever arise. No one goes into a marriage thinking that it won't last forever, be cautiously optimistic but protect your assets and vulnerability as best as you can.

A hasn't proven himself worthy yet by asking you to be exclusive with him (this time around). You must continue to live your life as any single woman would without giving him any further thought, because you may never be exclusive with him again. It is always a man's choice, but a woman's prerogative to accept or reject what he is proposing or offering at any given time.

I am going to a party tonight and I told him I was going out with girlfriends--which is the truth--I'm not telling him about the college party. I honestly like where we are now. We're sort of together and sort of casual--it's a lot less stress plus he doesn't push for anything physically because I said "nothing outside of a committed relationship". There's a part of me that doesn't want him to ask me for a committed relationship; is that bad?

No sweetheart, but if you're not in a committed relationship, he doesn't get to ask you not to date other guys and he doesn't get to ask you to get rid of another guy's stuff. There's a little concept known as "lying for love". You keep your mouth shut about what you are doing with other men and the gifts they give to you. You don't tell him, and he doesn't go nuts over knowing. This is loving yourself, more than you love him. This is doing what feels right at the moment instead of worrying about how he would *FEEL* about what you're doing when he's not with you. Do you honestly think that A would buy you jewelry--KNOWING that you're still wearing another man's sweatshirt? Of course not, you lie to let him love you by showering you with all that you deserve. Personally, this was something that I learned late. I've always been an observer of both men and woman--I find their choices fascinating-- and I can remember being stunned when I was in my early twenties when a woman who I worked with, whom everyone KNEW was dating the boss showed up one Monday morning married to someone else. No one knew she was dating anyone else...she found a better deal than the one that she had dating the boss, and went for it. Do you think that anyone knew that she was secretly playing the field? Nope, she was a single woman handling her business--privately. Get it?

Yes I get it :) you're the coolest Fran; you give such great advice.

Again, this is part of a woman's mystery. You never let him see you in the bathroom, not even to brush your teeth; you hide your feminine hygiene products, never let him see your beauty routines..you keep that private. Let me tell you a story. I was once best friends with a woman who married a very wealthy man. She would NEVER let him see her cleaning the house, washing the dishes etc. She told me that she did it, just never in front of him...I allowed her to explain to me that her reasoning was that *IF* he didn't see her "behave in that way" then he didn't ever think of her in that way--it would never occur to him to treat her as if she were the maid. I said to her in that moment that she was saying something profound--and it was--profound enough for me to always remember it.

Yeah, that's pretty cool, I never thought of it like that.

You have to remember yourself to be a Goddess and not a common woman in front of a man. You are somehow always just a little out of reach. So few women behave this way today; that is what will set you apart. I would even suggest to you that you keep your future husband out of the delivery room when you give birth. I'm not sure that allowing him to see you bloody and open and perspiring and in pain is the way for a man to remember you. This is the most sacred part of you as a woman. Allow him to keep the fantasy of you as his greatest source of pleasure and not merely a mortal woman.

Have fun tonight; smile alot and hope to meet a potential date. Until A steps up, you're a single woman open to meeting a quality gentleman who will potentially take you off the market. And remember not to get too drunk--lol. You must remember you're a lady, and men will be watching you before they approach you. Do you remember that guy at the pool last summer and how long he watched you? We all noticed before you did--and all quality men will do that.

Yeah, ewwww, I remember him....

Ewwww isn't the point, it's not the men that we attract, it's the one's we choose to keep. I know that you're pretty wonderful about this, but always conduct yourself as if you are a walking piece of artwork...always on display for a man to admire and enjoy. That is the reason that men date you and eventually will make you his wife--for the mere pleasure of your company. Who you are as a woman, your fascination, is something that he can't attain for himself or by hanging around with other men. A man pays for the privilege of your presence and all that it entails. In every way that you can accentuate that difference, you should do so. Hold yourself to a higher "girly" standard...and there is a reason for that. On a see-saw of masculine and feminine energy the more masculine a man is, the more feminine a woman has to be to balance the energy--which in essence means that he needs to hold himself to higher standard to have you. There are men who are into woman who play softball and soccer and are more tom-boy than not. BUT those men choose those women because they know it takes so little effort for them to please her... give her a beer and a pair of blue jeans and it's "good enough" to win her. But she's also the one later on in her marriage that complains that her husband doesn't do enough around the house or in his job/profession. Of course not, she is the one who set her standards so low in allowing that little effort define her life. Had she from the beginning say "that's not a good enough offer" she wouldn't be in that position later by attracting and choosing him to begin with.

I'll keep that in mind--what should I wear tonight, there will be lacrosse players there--should I dress preppy?

You should dress sexy--but I'm smiling remembering how hot the lacrosse players were when I was in college and how much I liked them, too. Wrestlers and LAX....yummy men! You can always dress sexy to entice a man but remember to hold your virtue until a man earns you.

OK, because I saw this really cute top in the mall. It's black and loose fitting kind of tank-top style but it's cut short so my midriff shows and the back is just straight lace. It's kind of dark rocker chick--I don't know. I really liked it and thought I'd wear that with jeans and heels with make up and cute jewelry. What do you think? I'm alittle worried because they all dress preppy...

Wear it! You have nothing to loose--sexy is sexy. No man is going to like every look on every woman, but all you need is *a* man, the right man. And men appreciate different looks on women, so you should on occasion change your look. You can go from a dark and mysterious seductress to a light angelic look. Go for it and have fun tonight.

Jealousy

Hi Fran,

I need some advice and I am so glad to have you as a friend-- someone kind of in the same chapter of their lives as me. I have friend that I've known since we were kids, and she is getting pissy at me.

I had to cancel our plans on Friday for my date with M. It wasn’t even fun plans, it was a pro-life rally. I told her when I made the plans, "I'll go if I don't have a date. "She got pissy then, with "What about your friends? I guess you won't need friends once you get married." I said, "I don't intend to hurt your feelings and I am sorry if I did. I love my friends and will always need them. Right now I am serious about finding a husband so I have to be available when he asks to go out with me, or he'll go out with someone else. Of course, friends always come first for weddings, births, deaths, illness, and other life events." She didn't respond to that. Later she apologized.

Well, now she's like, "So, if you have a date on the beach weekend are you going to cancel?" (We have the weekend before Memorial Day scheduled for a girl's weekend. We rented a beach house, I've taken a day off work, and we have about 6 of us going to spend the weekend together and I can't wait.) So I said, "No way! :-) " She wrote back, "I won't hold my breath." It makes me not want to make plans with her on weekends. How do I respond to this? I don't want to have to apologize every time I get a date. How can I explain it to her without having to explain everything about my life? I don't want to argue.
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I would have a conversation with her ONCE explaining that your priority is to be married...and although you value her friendship, you love and celebrate that relationship every time the two of you are together and when you think of her in between.

She will not be marrying you, buying you a house, taking you on vacation or making love to you at night-only a man in your life can do that. If you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, then you know clearly what you don't want--including being brow-beaten by a girlfriend.

Even though this does not appear to be one of those instances, I would recommend that you RESCHEDULE a time with her when you are not available to be dating.

Should she continue to bring this up, I would very politely remind her that you have already discussed this with her and your priorities have not changed. She can either accept your friendship joyfully and lovingly on a limited basis or not at all--her choice. She has every right to choose her priorities--like to remain single--as do you. I know that sounds bitchy, but Pat says you have to learn to hurt someone else so that you won't be hurt.

Since this is the first time that this has become an issue—but certainly not the last, I would definitely send a blanket email to all of your girlfriends at the same time asking for them to support you in this endeavor--I would probably ask them to keep their eyes open for a potential husband for you. Not that you really want it, but it includes them in the process so to speak--and far less likely to be pissy since you've already entrusted their understanding and support. It's an old sales trick--if you can get someone to verbally say yes to you, it's far less likely they won't keep their word--in fact I'd probably include and ask for an RSVP from each of them that absolutely would be willing to forgo a get together SOMETIMES for a rescheduling at a later date. My thinking is that IF you told all of them at the same time then there wouldn't be any "how come you rescheduled with me and not her?" hurt feelings. I would be asking *MY* friends to contract with me--I believe that friendships are contracts--they are not one sided--we do things together, for each other, and support each other even if it means that temporarily I'm not as available as I once was.

Look at it this way--if you G-D forbid had a sick husband, child or ailing parents and you needed to reschedule, they would certainly understand...this really isn't different. But knowing which girlfriends will and won't support you with an "I DO" (wink) response lets you know who you can and can't make plans with.

If one of them later gets a little uppity, you can remind them of their commitment to your commitment.

I know this sounds very masculine to you—handling this—but choosing to tell your girlfriends “why” is to include them in the process. You tell them “why” to share your heart--your hopes and dreams--which is what friendship is--knowing someone else. I wouldn’t feel better not knowing why someone was repeatedly rescheduling—and please note that I said rescheduling not cancelling. I would far rather have the honesty for the reschedule then imagining some horrific situation. To me, not telling them is far more hurtful and less intimate then including your girlfriends in your dating.

It is yin to take care of yourself and your feelings over your girl friends feelings as I said before, you have to learn how to hurt someone else so that you aren't hurt. This is preemptive behavior modification.

To that end, it may be painful, but just like men who flow away, there may be some girlfriends might choose to protect their hurt feelings and end their relationship with you rather than support your decision to be safe, secure and loved for the rest of your life.

You always have to give up something to get something else--it's your choice and as Pat says there prices (to be paid) and prizes (to be gained).

The New Guy

Dear Fran,

I’m recently in a new relationship; actually it has only been about a month and a half officially. We re still in that supper happy stage, the first 3 months lol. I met him my first semester at college, and we were very close friends for about 6 months before we started dating. I love him. He is my best friend but we live 9 hours apart and summer came a lot quicker than we thought it would. I suggested to him that perhaps we break over the summer since we both have pretty passionate personalities and I don’t want the fear or jealousy that comes with long distance to ruin our friendship, as it is very important with me. Any advice?

Also, at first he was reluctant to ask me out, I think he was scared as most everyone told him I would never go for him. But I insisted by holding out and finally said I refused to be friends with benefits and that I needed a real relationship before I would kiss him anymore. He took the hint and asked me out about a week after I gave him the ultimatum. The reason I’m telling you this is because I’m sort of confused. I know he loves me but I keep comparing it to my previous relationship, which you know all about. My last boyfriend was hotheaded and very protective. My new boyfriend on the other hand does not engage me when I’m mad and I can t tell if its cause he doesn’t t care or just because he is more calm than me. Also, he does not really pay for much nor buy me things and its because we are in college and don’t have a lot of money. He does take time to hang out with me but I feel sort of on my own. I think it’s because my last boyfriend spoiled me and so I’m used to being taken care of financially. I think maybe I’m just over reacting and being selfish but I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to buy me things. He says he wants to buy me everything I want but that he has no money. Do you think I'm just being selfish?
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Hi—and thank you for the question.

First, let me say that it’s wonderful that you met someone that you really like—and liked him enough as a friend first before you want to date him…but I believe the his hesitations to ask you out in the first place should have been your first red-flag warning sign. So let me back up a little. Typically, we don’t chase men. When you’re a dynamic woman and used to ‘making things happen’, your first inclination would be to do the same in a romantic relationship—BUT unless you want to be the male energy in a relationship—meaning that you bring the money and pay for him, you provide the food for him, you cherish his feelings over yours, and otherwise daily take care of him.

Based on the rest of your questions, I KNOW that isn’t what you want. To be the feminine energy in a relationship is to wait. And for women like you (and me) the hardest thing to do in a relationship is nothing—but there is a great prize in doing so. Picture a relationship like a see-saw. At the far ends are masculine energy and feminine energy .When the two of you are closer to the middle (of the continuum) of a relationship meaning you are acting both masculine and feminine, nothing happens—but the further you push yourself out to the ends, motion happens and the real “ride” begins.

Men, like women come in all levels of masculinity and femininity. The character of a masculine man is to cherish your feelings above his own, protect you and provide for you. He conquers, competes and controls. The characteristics of a feminine woman are that she behaves still, calm, centered, hidden, quiet, soft and yielding. She listens, she waits, she is receptive and follows his lead. In exchange for what he provides, she is receptive, appreciative and available to what he offers her. I know how difficult this is for you—because you were raised in a household of strong dynamic women who handled their business and stepped up to the plate to do whatever needed to be done whenever it needed to be. It’s great in the workforce, but not so much in relationships—and that is something that will always need to be aware of and tempered as you mature. Knowing you, you sit further into you feminine than your masculine; you will always need to be aware of your behavior with men and this tendency because of how you were raised.

Now, to answer your questions… Your first boyfriend set the bar high. I’ve always told you that—and that he did is a blessing to you because now you have a comparison for what you want and what you don’t want; what you like and what you don’t like; what you need and what you don’t.

Just the way you were raised in a household and developed your personality by viewing the behavior of the men and women in your life; the strengths and weaknesses so do the men that you will always encounter. Men run the continuum from the very feminine—those that talk about their 'feelings', those who will clit-tease you and give you a green light to chase them, those that will expect you to either to date ‘Dutch-treat’ and split a check or expect you to pay for them—i.e. drinks or a meal all the way to very masculine who will absolute RUN from a woman who tries to ‘give’ to them. She will make his skin crawl by giving him a gifts, buying him a meal or chasing him into dating her. That woman completely emasculates him and acts like mommy putting him in the position of being her ‘taken care of’ little boy.

Your behavior with your boyfriend has been a combination of your acting masculine and feminine; his behavior with you has been the same. I know that you like him and that he likes you. BUT a masculine man is a hunter. He sees a woman as his prey. It won’t matter to him what anyone says about whether a woman would go for him or not. He will hunt her doggedly, relentlessly, tirelessly, endlessly for years on end to make her his woman. Your guy didn’t do that. You had to give him an ultimatum and it was really inappropriate. As a man, that was his job—either to ask you out or not. Your job as a woman was to either be receptive to his kisses, or not. Happily, you said ‘no’ to what didn’t feel good—meaning that you felt that his kissing you was unwarranted for the level of relationship that you had (or didn’t), but it was stepping over a line to give him an ultimatum. A more feminine response would have been to have ‘asked’ to enter a place to have a talk with him and then do it along these lines.

J: I have something I’d like to talk to you about; would now be a good time?

J: I love our friendship and I’ve really enjoyed those few kisses we’ve shared, but lately I’ve been FEELING that our being physical with each other isn’t really something I’d like to continue to do since I don’t kiss men that I’m not dating. I FEEL it’s really an intimate sharing of stronger emotions than just friendship, what do you think?

Then let him figure it out what to do about your feelings on his own. You tell him of your discomfort, he figures out what to do about it—or not—but either way you are respectful of his masculine need to process how he feels about you without your giving him an ultimatum.

In the continuum of just how masculine a man is, they run the gamut from the very masculine to feminine. Your last boyfriend was very masculine and behaved that way toward you. This one may not be masculine enough. The more experience you have with dating, the faster you will be able to discern whether a man is or isn’t. Most men in the world are Beta’s—you’re typical average guy. They get in the morning, go to work—work 9-5, come home and wait for their 2 week vacations every year. Alpha males on the other hand are business owners, movers and shakers—are up at the gym at 5 a.m. and work late, travel for business and or are aren’t necessarily available all weekends while they are building their businesses. They are dynamic and you have a far more ‘exciting’ life with them. They travel, know the best restaurants to eat at all over the world; they are involved with higher risk/higher reward activities and their world and your relationship is lots of roller coaster ups and downs. But there is a trade off if you marry one—daddy isn’t always around. You can’t expect to have both a man who is a home-body and a guy who is a mover and shaker in the same man.

If I had to characterize your boyfriends, I would say that your hot-head is closer to an alpha male—they are very frequently the assholes that women complain about. BUT along with that he cherished, protect and provided to you. The new boyfriend is closer to a beta male; if he doesn’t have the money to provide you with things that he says he wants to, he isn’t particularly motivated to do anything about it.

As feminine women, you learn NEVER to listen to a man’s words, but only his actions towards you, so you no longer need to feel confused about what he says he wants to buy you and what he actually does. When a man falls in love with a woman, he will typically do whatever it takes to make her happy. You need to decide if this man is ‘enough’ for you as he is. Loving a man isn’t always necessarily ‘enough’.

No, I don’t believe that you are being selfish; no I don’t think you are being over-reactive. I do take with a grain of salt that the two of you are in college and maybe he doesn’t have the money to buy you things and help you out financially. Maybe his parents don’t care if he works while he’s in school and he can provide more for you but chooses not to; or maybe they’ve told him that his only priority is college and that he isn’t allowed to work—I don’t know. But this is a life lesson for you really. The way a man treats you while you are dating is the way a man will always treat you—and your potential children with him. A man makes his offer to provide for you as ultimately an opportunity for a mate…if it’s a good enough offer, she’ll accept it and keep him; if it’s not, she’ll release him back into the wild to find a more suitable partner.

You say that you don’t want jealous feelings in a potential long distance relationship while you are apart from him this summer and asked him for a temporary break up because his ‘friendship’ is really important. I’m going to ask you to re-question this in your own mind. You cannot be friends with your boyfriend, period. You cannot. Friendship deflates intimacy. Equality deflates intimacy. That may be a new concept for you to comprehend but you have friends, you have lovers…two very different categories…and they need to remain as such. You NEED to have space, mystery, unknown, unsettling things about your partner to keep a spark of passion between you to want to keep exploring each other. This is something to always remember as the years pass in your marriage. Perhaps this man isn’t passionate enough on all levels. Not passionate enough to engage you when you’re angry, not passionate enough about providing for you, not passionate enough about exploring life. Only you can discern that and then ask if he is a good enough life partner or not…and that is what dating is all about.

I would suggest to you that you take the summer to date other men if you have the opportunity to as difficult as that seems to you with your feelings being tied to this man. It will give you a better comparison to help you figure out ultimately what you do and don’t want although your discomfort with things the way they are, are really a good indication. If you begin to become more and more resentful, you will shut down your feelings for him. When a woman is fed up, she shuts down. There isn’t a way for you to respect a man who isn't providing or cherishing.

There is really only one reason to date and that is to discern whether or not the person is appropriate. Dating isn’t marriage but it is the precursor. Marriage is like a business. You have to be able to work together towards your goals. If he cannot provide for you, he cannot keep you. All of us have our masculine (yang) energy. That’s what has you take care of yourself until a man comes along and takes care of you for you. In life in general and in dating in particular, you learn to take such good care of yourself in your (yin) feminine energy that when a man comes along he had really offer you something spectacular to say yes to. He had to be a better man to you than you are to yourself or else your life is wonderful without him. He needs to add to it or else you don’t need him or even want him there. That’s harsh, I know, but Pat says we have to be willing to cause pain to others in order avoid pain for ourselves and say good-bye to what isn’t good enough IF you’ve discussed this with him and no changes are forthcoming. Don’t expect him to mind-read that you aren’t happy, but share your discomfort without a side-by-side comparison. You can’t be pissy and say A always paid my cell bill or my manicures, but what you can say to your new guy is that it really makes me feel loved and special when a man treats me to the gift of giving me of a manicure. It makes me feel relaxed and pampered and I just love it. That way, you’ve given him the quality information he needs to make you happy.