The New Guy

Dear Fran,

I’m recently in a new relationship; actually it has only been about a month and a half officially. We re still in that supper happy stage, the first 3 months lol. I met him my first semester at college, and we were very close friends for about 6 months before we started dating. I love him. He is my best friend but we live 9 hours apart and summer came a lot quicker than we thought it would. I suggested to him that perhaps we break over the summer since we both have pretty passionate personalities and I don’t want the fear or jealousy that comes with long distance to ruin our friendship, as it is very important with me. Any advice?

Also, at first he was reluctant to ask me out, I think he was scared as most everyone told him I would never go for him. But I insisted by holding out and finally said I refused to be friends with benefits and that I needed a real relationship before I would kiss him anymore. He took the hint and asked me out about a week after I gave him the ultimatum. The reason I’m telling you this is because I’m sort of confused. I know he loves me but I keep comparing it to my previous relationship, which you know all about. My last boyfriend was hotheaded and very protective. My new boyfriend on the other hand does not engage me when I’m mad and I can t tell if its cause he doesn’t t care or just because he is more calm than me. Also, he does not really pay for much nor buy me things and its because we are in college and don’t have a lot of money. He does take time to hang out with me but I feel sort of on my own. I think it’s because my last boyfriend spoiled me and so I’m used to being taken care of financially. I think maybe I’m just over reacting and being selfish but I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to buy me things. He says he wants to buy me everything I want but that he has no money. Do you think I'm just being selfish?
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Hi—and thank you for the question.

First, let me say that it’s wonderful that you met someone that you really like—and liked him enough as a friend first before you want to date him…but I believe the his hesitations to ask you out in the first place should have been your first red-flag warning sign. So let me back up a little. Typically, we don’t chase men. When you’re a dynamic woman and used to ‘making things happen’, your first inclination would be to do the same in a romantic relationship—BUT unless you want to be the male energy in a relationship—meaning that you bring the money and pay for him, you provide the food for him, you cherish his feelings over yours, and otherwise daily take care of him.

Based on the rest of your questions, I KNOW that isn’t what you want. To be the feminine energy in a relationship is to wait. And for women like you (and me) the hardest thing to do in a relationship is nothing—but there is a great prize in doing so. Picture a relationship like a see-saw. At the far ends are masculine energy and feminine energy .When the two of you are closer to the middle (of the continuum) of a relationship meaning you are acting both masculine and feminine, nothing happens—but the further you push yourself out to the ends, motion happens and the real “ride” begins.

Men, like women come in all levels of masculinity and femininity. The character of a masculine man is to cherish your feelings above his own, protect you and provide for you. He conquers, competes and controls. The characteristics of a feminine woman are that she behaves still, calm, centered, hidden, quiet, soft and yielding. She listens, she waits, she is receptive and follows his lead. In exchange for what he provides, she is receptive, appreciative and available to what he offers her. I know how difficult this is for you—because you were raised in a household of strong dynamic women who handled their business and stepped up to the plate to do whatever needed to be done whenever it needed to be. It’s great in the workforce, but not so much in relationships—and that is something that will always need to be aware of and tempered as you mature. Knowing you, you sit further into you feminine than your masculine; you will always need to be aware of your behavior with men and this tendency because of how you were raised.

Now, to answer your questions… Your first boyfriend set the bar high. I’ve always told you that—and that he did is a blessing to you because now you have a comparison for what you want and what you don’t want; what you like and what you don’t like; what you need and what you don’t.

Just the way you were raised in a household and developed your personality by viewing the behavior of the men and women in your life; the strengths and weaknesses so do the men that you will always encounter. Men run the continuum from the very feminine—those that talk about their 'feelings', those who will clit-tease you and give you a green light to chase them, those that will expect you to either to date ‘Dutch-treat’ and split a check or expect you to pay for them—i.e. drinks or a meal all the way to very masculine who will absolute RUN from a woman who tries to ‘give’ to them. She will make his skin crawl by giving him a gifts, buying him a meal or chasing him into dating her. That woman completely emasculates him and acts like mommy putting him in the position of being her ‘taken care of’ little boy.

Your behavior with your boyfriend has been a combination of your acting masculine and feminine; his behavior with you has been the same. I know that you like him and that he likes you. BUT a masculine man is a hunter. He sees a woman as his prey. It won’t matter to him what anyone says about whether a woman would go for him or not. He will hunt her doggedly, relentlessly, tirelessly, endlessly for years on end to make her his woman. Your guy didn’t do that. You had to give him an ultimatum and it was really inappropriate. As a man, that was his job—either to ask you out or not. Your job as a woman was to either be receptive to his kisses, or not. Happily, you said ‘no’ to what didn’t feel good—meaning that you felt that his kissing you was unwarranted for the level of relationship that you had (or didn’t), but it was stepping over a line to give him an ultimatum. A more feminine response would have been to have ‘asked’ to enter a place to have a talk with him and then do it along these lines.

J: I have something I’d like to talk to you about; would now be a good time?

J: I love our friendship and I’ve really enjoyed those few kisses we’ve shared, but lately I’ve been FEELING that our being physical with each other isn’t really something I’d like to continue to do since I don’t kiss men that I’m not dating. I FEEL it’s really an intimate sharing of stronger emotions than just friendship, what do you think?

Then let him figure it out what to do about your feelings on his own. You tell him of your discomfort, he figures out what to do about it—or not—but either way you are respectful of his masculine need to process how he feels about you without your giving him an ultimatum.

In the continuum of just how masculine a man is, they run the gamut from the very masculine to feminine. Your last boyfriend was very masculine and behaved that way toward you. This one may not be masculine enough. The more experience you have with dating, the faster you will be able to discern whether a man is or isn’t. Most men in the world are Beta’s—you’re typical average guy. They get in the morning, go to work—work 9-5, come home and wait for their 2 week vacations every year. Alpha males on the other hand are business owners, movers and shakers—are up at the gym at 5 a.m. and work late, travel for business and or are aren’t necessarily available all weekends while they are building their businesses. They are dynamic and you have a far more ‘exciting’ life with them. They travel, know the best restaurants to eat at all over the world; they are involved with higher risk/higher reward activities and their world and your relationship is lots of roller coaster ups and downs. But there is a trade off if you marry one—daddy isn’t always around. You can’t expect to have both a man who is a home-body and a guy who is a mover and shaker in the same man.

If I had to characterize your boyfriends, I would say that your hot-head is closer to an alpha male—they are very frequently the assholes that women complain about. BUT along with that he cherished, protect and provided to you. The new boyfriend is closer to a beta male; if he doesn’t have the money to provide you with things that he says he wants to, he isn’t particularly motivated to do anything about it.

As feminine women, you learn NEVER to listen to a man’s words, but only his actions towards you, so you no longer need to feel confused about what he says he wants to buy you and what he actually does. When a man falls in love with a woman, he will typically do whatever it takes to make her happy. You need to decide if this man is ‘enough’ for you as he is. Loving a man isn’t always necessarily ‘enough’.

No, I don’t believe that you are being selfish; no I don’t think you are being over-reactive. I do take with a grain of salt that the two of you are in college and maybe he doesn’t have the money to buy you things and help you out financially. Maybe his parents don’t care if he works while he’s in school and he can provide more for you but chooses not to; or maybe they’ve told him that his only priority is college and that he isn’t allowed to work—I don’t know. But this is a life lesson for you really. The way a man treats you while you are dating is the way a man will always treat you—and your potential children with him. A man makes his offer to provide for you as ultimately an opportunity for a mate…if it’s a good enough offer, she’ll accept it and keep him; if it’s not, she’ll release him back into the wild to find a more suitable partner.

You say that you don’t want jealous feelings in a potential long distance relationship while you are apart from him this summer and asked him for a temporary break up because his ‘friendship’ is really important. I’m going to ask you to re-question this in your own mind. You cannot be friends with your boyfriend, period. You cannot. Friendship deflates intimacy. Equality deflates intimacy. That may be a new concept for you to comprehend but you have friends, you have lovers…two very different categories…and they need to remain as such. You NEED to have space, mystery, unknown, unsettling things about your partner to keep a spark of passion between you to want to keep exploring each other. This is something to always remember as the years pass in your marriage. Perhaps this man isn’t passionate enough on all levels. Not passionate enough to engage you when you’re angry, not passionate enough about providing for you, not passionate enough about exploring life. Only you can discern that and then ask if he is a good enough life partner or not…and that is what dating is all about.

I would suggest to you that you take the summer to date other men if you have the opportunity to as difficult as that seems to you with your feelings being tied to this man. It will give you a better comparison to help you figure out ultimately what you do and don’t want although your discomfort with things the way they are, are really a good indication. If you begin to become more and more resentful, you will shut down your feelings for him. When a woman is fed up, she shuts down. There isn’t a way for you to respect a man who isn't providing or cherishing.

There is really only one reason to date and that is to discern whether or not the person is appropriate. Dating isn’t marriage but it is the precursor. Marriage is like a business. You have to be able to work together towards your goals. If he cannot provide for you, he cannot keep you. All of us have our masculine (yang) energy. That’s what has you take care of yourself until a man comes along and takes care of you for you. In life in general and in dating in particular, you learn to take such good care of yourself in your (yin) feminine energy that when a man comes along he had really offer you something spectacular to say yes to. He had to be a better man to you than you are to yourself or else your life is wonderful without him. He needs to add to it or else you don’t need him or even want him there. That’s harsh, I know, but Pat says we have to be willing to cause pain to others in order avoid pain for ourselves and say good-bye to what isn’t good enough IF you’ve discussed this with him and no changes are forthcoming. Don’t expect him to mind-read that you aren’t happy, but share your discomfort without a side-by-side comparison. You can’t be pissy and say A always paid my cell bill or my manicures, but what you can say to your new guy is that it really makes me feel loved and special when a man treats me to the gift of giving me of a manicure. It makes me feel relaxed and pampered and I just love it. That way, you’ve given him the quality information he needs to make you happy.