Jealousy

Hi Fran,

I need some advice and I am so glad to have you as a friend-- someone kind of in the same chapter of their lives as me. I have friend that I've known since we were kids, and she is getting pissy at me.

I had to cancel our plans on Friday for my date with M. It wasn’t even fun plans, it was a pro-life rally. I told her when I made the plans, "I'll go if I don't have a date. "She got pissy then, with "What about your friends? I guess you won't need friends once you get married." I said, "I don't intend to hurt your feelings and I am sorry if I did. I love my friends and will always need them. Right now I am serious about finding a husband so I have to be available when he asks to go out with me, or he'll go out with someone else. Of course, friends always come first for weddings, births, deaths, illness, and other life events." She didn't respond to that. Later she apologized.

Well, now she's like, "So, if you have a date on the beach weekend are you going to cancel?" (We have the weekend before Memorial Day scheduled for a girl's weekend. We rented a beach house, I've taken a day off work, and we have about 6 of us going to spend the weekend together and I can't wait.) So I said, "No way! :-) " She wrote back, "I won't hold my breath." It makes me not want to make plans with her on weekends. How do I respond to this? I don't want to have to apologize every time I get a date. How can I explain it to her without having to explain everything about my life? I don't want to argue.
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I would have a conversation with her ONCE explaining that your priority is to be married...and although you value her friendship, you love and celebrate that relationship every time the two of you are together and when you think of her in between.

She will not be marrying you, buying you a house, taking you on vacation or making love to you at night-only a man in your life can do that. If you don't want to be alone for the rest of your life, then you know clearly what you don't want--including being brow-beaten by a girlfriend.

Even though this does not appear to be one of those instances, I would recommend that you RESCHEDULE a time with her when you are not available to be dating.

Should she continue to bring this up, I would very politely remind her that you have already discussed this with her and your priorities have not changed. She can either accept your friendship joyfully and lovingly on a limited basis or not at all--her choice. She has every right to choose her priorities--like to remain single--as do you. I know that sounds bitchy, but Pat says you have to learn to hurt someone else so that you won't be hurt.

Since this is the first time that this has become an issue—but certainly not the last, I would definitely send a blanket email to all of your girlfriends at the same time asking for them to support you in this endeavor--I would probably ask them to keep their eyes open for a potential husband for you. Not that you really want it, but it includes them in the process so to speak--and far less likely to be pissy since you've already entrusted their understanding and support. It's an old sales trick--if you can get someone to verbally say yes to you, it's far less likely they won't keep their word--in fact I'd probably include and ask for an RSVP from each of them that absolutely would be willing to forgo a get together SOMETIMES for a rescheduling at a later date. My thinking is that IF you told all of them at the same time then there wouldn't be any "how come you rescheduled with me and not her?" hurt feelings. I would be asking *MY* friends to contract with me--I believe that friendships are contracts--they are not one sided--we do things together, for each other, and support each other even if it means that temporarily I'm not as available as I once was.

Look at it this way--if you G-D forbid had a sick husband, child or ailing parents and you needed to reschedule, they would certainly understand...this really isn't different. But knowing which girlfriends will and won't support you with an "I DO" (wink) response lets you know who you can and can't make plans with.

If one of them later gets a little uppity, you can remind them of their commitment to your commitment.

I know this sounds very masculine to you—handling this—but choosing to tell your girlfriends “why” is to include them in the process. You tell them “why” to share your heart--your hopes and dreams--which is what friendship is--knowing someone else. I wouldn’t feel better not knowing why someone was repeatedly rescheduling—and please note that I said rescheduling not cancelling. I would far rather have the honesty for the reschedule then imagining some horrific situation. To me, not telling them is far more hurtful and less intimate then including your girlfriends in your dating.

It is yin to take care of yourself and your feelings over your girl friends feelings as I said before, you have to learn how to hurt someone else so that you aren't hurt. This is preemptive behavior modification.

To that end, it may be painful, but just like men who flow away, there may be some girlfriends might choose to protect their hurt feelings and end their relationship with you rather than support your decision to be safe, secure and loved for the rest of your life.

You always have to give up something to get something else--it's your choice and as Pat says there prices (to be paid) and prizes (to be gained).