Let me give you a brief synopsis of the Kosher Adultery book. The author’s premise is that there are two types of love; fire and water. Fire is obvious; its lust filled, obsessive desire to be joined with that person without whom you die as if they have invaded your life force itself. And then there is water; cool. It is what happens to a couple with familiarity. Water is friendship, partnership and unwavering trust. It is also boredom and a passion-killer just as water extinguishes fire. I believe that "water" also leads to depression (internalized anger at your partner), resentment and ultimately apathy—just not caring about the other person enough to stay in the relationship. The excitement is gone, the lust, the feelings of wanting to build a future with that person are gone. Of course you begin to feel unhappy…
It is very easy to move in with a man and begin to play house and it is my opinion (I know this is hard to hear) that has been the root of your unhappiness. I know your guy would like to get married; most men go for a cheaper deal of getting an equivalent of a wife without really “paying” for one.
According to Dr. Pat, all relationships go through a one year test. The first three months are the perfect phase—he’s great, you’re great, you can’t get enough of each other. You dress up in for each other’s dates, fresh breath and wouldn’t dream of revealing any bodily functions in front of each other. The imperfect phase is the 3-6 month period of your relationship. You might head out to the movies without any makeup on or wear your “laundry day” clothes around on a lazy Sunday afternoon together. Months 6-9 are the negotiation phase where you begin to really meld as a couple by negotiating time, space—together and apart, play—what you do together and apart. Lastly, months 9-12 are the commitment phase—do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person and what would it mean. Where would you live, schooling, who pays for what? Are you compatible regarding child rearing, religion etc.
All of that should take place without your living together. You’ve missed the important steps of the growth and development—the deep attachments forming by moving the relationships too quickly. I would also add, that although it seems archaic by today’s standards, until you’ve decided that this is a man that you do want to build a long term relationship with, that you do NOT have a sexual relationship with him. The reasons are twofold. First, as a woman, when you become physically intimate with a man, your body produces oxytocin—a hormone that bonds you to him.
Have you ever had the experience of being in love and the thought of another man touching you is absolutely revolting? Makes your skin crawl? Every other man in the world is in black and white and your guy is in color? That’s oxytocin. Some women are more oxytocin sensitive than others—I for one don’t need to have intercourse to feel it when I do—for some women, it’s intercourse or not at all. I believe that has as much to do with getting close enough to smell a man’s immune system—but I’ll save that for another blog.
Here’s my point. IF you would not have physically bonded to a man by being a readily available sex partner and girlfriend, it would be easier for you to be clear about what you do and don’t want.
If you would continue to multi-date men until you have figured out whether you actually want to be THAT involved with a man over a period of months to a year, you wouldn’t be setting yourself up for disappointment when the guy or the relationship doesn’t turn out to be everything you had hoped for. Every person walks into a relationship with hopes, dreams, and expectations. It's up to you to negotiate with your partner what is and isn't a deal-breaker for you. And of course, that would be fluid and renegotiated as needed. For example, I know a man who's ideal relationship is convenient. He want both himself and any future partner/wife to both work and contribute to the household. I had to ask him if he thought that would be the ideal sitution when children came into the picture...did he want his children in childcare while his wife continued to work? After thinking about it, he said no, that what appeared on the surface to be ideal was tossed out the window when children came into the picture.
Knowing yourself and fully understanding what you are ultimately looking for will give you a far greater chance of getting where you want to go with the right partner without "wasting" years in unfulfilling relationships. It is far easier to weed the wrong ones out early leaving you open for the right man to come into your life. I've gotten to a point where very quickly--without even needing to meet a man--just by his phone calls and emails to me I can either say "pass" or "put this one into play".
Taking sex off the table (temporarily) does indeed have men weed themselves out early. Everyone knows that a man expects sex by date three...except that you won't give it to him. A man who is seriously interested in you will continue to court you and admire you in ladylike behavior; a man who is only looking to "lay down some pipe" will move on very quickly to a woman who will be available for easy sex.
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