Lying for Love

Hi Fran. I have a problem. A. got mad because I still have one of D's sweatshirts at my house and he told me to get rid of it and I said no. He freaked out--then out of no where he apologizes and says he doesn't care because he's not my boyfriend but then he said he won't ask me to officially be his girlfriend until I get rid of the sweatshirt. What should I do? I like the sweatshirt and I'm tired of A. bossing me around. I don't wear it in front of him and that should be good enough.

J--is it not possible for you to hide it? I love giving you these life lessons in womanhood because they will serve you well and someday you will pass them to your own daughters.

A woman doesn't ever have to tell a man what she is doing or has done with another man--or more precisely, another suitor. You can very nicely explain to him that although *HE* might have thrown away all traces of you when you were no longer dating, that as a woman he needs to understand that you have stronger sentimental attachments of the people and things that have brought you fond memories AND although you do respect him enough not to wear it in front of him, no, you don't feel comfortable throwing it away and you won't do it.

A. is testing you, as all men do. There are two lessons for you in this. Number one don't EVER again give him a gift that you would be heartbroken KNOWING that he threw away. From this point forward until he is your husband, the monetary value of your gifts should be less than you have ever done before. He didn't appreciate what you paid for, so you can bake him cookies, make him a home cooked meal, massage his shoulders if he's weary...but these are more gifts from your soul to him than from your wallet.

Secondarily, A. is asking you to prove yourself worthy of his love. Do not fall into this trap--if you do, he will know that he has you "wrapped around his finger" and without ever giving you a commitment, he can play with you at his whim. He is the one who needs to prove himself worthy of having you. You are the prize he needs to fight for and win...and the truth is that when a man competes for and conquers a woman, you are giving him a great gift as a testament of his manhood. Men fight wars for the favor of a woman. Allow him to do what is necessary to fight for you while you are ever aware that right now you are a single woman until he takes you off the market for the price that you set for having you.

What I would like you to note, is that as a general rule, you should always have secrets from a man. He must never know everything about you. He will become bored with you instead of fascinated of ever evolving and deepening love as you reveal parts of yourself over time...but never give him all of yourself. I would encourage you to remember this even though out your marriage. You should have money set aside for your own peace of mind and financial security that your husband knows nothing about. Men leave their wives all of the time...be smart enough to have a safe place to fall into should it ever arise. No one goes into a marriage thinking that it won't last forever, be cautiously optimistic but protect your assets and vulnerability as best as you can.

A hasn't proven himself worthy yet by asking you to be exclusive with him (this time around). You must continue to live your life as any single woman would without giving him any further thought, because you may never be exclusive with him again. It is always a man's choice, but a woman's prerogative to accept or reject what he is proposing or offering at any given time.

I am going to a party tonight and I told him I was going out with girlfriends--which is the truth--I'm not telling him about the college party. I honestly like where we are now. We're sort of together and sort of casual--it's a lot less stress plus he doesn't push for anything physically because I said "nothing outside of a committed relationship". There's a part of me that doesn't want him to ask me for a committed relationship; is that bad?

No sweetheart, but if you're not in a committed relationship, he doesn't get to ask you not to date other guys and he doesn't get to ask you to get rid of another guy's stuff. There's a little concept known as "lying for love". You keep your mouth shut about what you are doing with other men and the gifts they give to you. You don't tell him, and he doesn't go nuts over knowing. This is loving yourself, more than you love him. This is doing what feels right at the moment instead of worrying about how he would *FEEL* about what you're doing when he's not with you. Do you honestly think that A would buy you jewelry--KNOWING that you're still wearing another man's sweatshirt? Of course not, you lie to let him love you by showering you with all that you deserve. Personally, this was something that I learned late. I've always been an observer of both men and woman--I find their choices fascinating-- and I can remember being stunned when I was in my early twenties when a woman who I worked with, whom everyone KNEW was dating the boss showed up one Monday morning married to someone else. No one knew she was dating anyone else...she found a better deal than the one that she had dating the boss, and went for it. Do you think that anyone knew that she was secretly playing the field? Nope, she was a single woman handling her business--privately. Get it?

Yes I get it :) you're the coolest Fran; you give such great advice.

Again, this is part of a woman's mystery. You never let him see you in the bathroom, not even to brush your teeth; you hide your feminine hygiene products, never let him see your beauty routines..you keep that private. Let me tell you a story. I was once best friends with a woman who married a very wealthy man. She would NEVER let him see her cleaning the house, washing the dishes etc. She told me that she did it, just never in front of him...I allowed her to explain to me that her reasoning was that *IF* he didn't see her "behave in that way" then he didn't ever think of her in that way--it would never occur to him to treat her as if she were the maid. I said to her in that moment that she was saying something profound--and it was--profound enough for me to always remember it.

Yeah, that's pretty cool, I never thought of it like that.

You have to remember yourself to be a Goddess and not a common woman in front of a man. You are somehow always just a little out of reach. So few women behave this way today; that is what will set you apart. I would even suggest to you that you keep your future husband out of the delivery room when you give birth. I'm not sure that allowing him to see you bloody and open and perspiring and in pain is the way for a man to remember you. This is the most sacred part of you as a woman. Allow him to keep the fantasy of you as his greatest source of pleasure and not merely a mortal woman.

Have fun tonight; smile alot and hope to meet a potential date. Until A steps up, you're a single woman open to meeting a quality gentleman who will potentially take you off the market. And remember not to get too drunk--lol. You must remember you're a lady, and men will be watching you before they approach you. Do you remember that guy at the pool last summer and how long he watched you? We all noticed before you did--and all quality men will do that.

Yeah, ewwww, I remember him....

Ewwww isn't the point, it's not the men that we attract, it's the one's we choose to keep. I know that you're pretty wonderful about this, but always conduct yourself as if you are a walking piece of artwork...always on display for a man to admire and enjoy. That is the reason that men date you and eventually will make you his wife--for the mere pleasure of your company. Who you are as a woman, your fascination, is something that he can't attain for himself or by hanging around with other men. A man pays for the privilege of your presence and all that it entails. In every way that you can accentuate that difference, you should do so. Hold yourself to a higher "girly" standard...and there is a reason for that. On a see-saw of masculine and feminine energy the more masculine a man is, the more feminine a woman has to be to balance the energy--which in essence means that he needs to hold himself to higher standard to have you. There are men who are into woman who play softball and soccer and are more tom-boy than not. BUT those men choose those women because they know it takes so little effort for them to please her... give her a beer and a pair of blue jeans and it's "good enough" to win her. But she's also the one later on in her marriage that complains that her husband doesn't do enough around the house or in his job/profession. Of course not, she is the one who set her standards so low in allowing that little effort define her life. Had she from the beginning say "that's not a good enough offer" she wouldn't be in that position later by attracting and choosing him to begin with.

I'll keep that in mind--what should I wear tonight, there will be lacrosse players there--should I dress preppy?

You should dress sexy--but I'm smiling remembering how hot the lacrosse players were when I was in college and how much I liked them, too. Wrestlers and LAX....yummy men! You can always dress sexy to entice a man but remember to hold your virtue until a man earns you.

OK, because I saw this really cute top in the mall. It's black and loose fitting kind of tank-top style but it's cut short so my midriff shows and the back is just straight lace. It's kind of dark rocker chick--I don't know. I really liked it and thought I'd wear that with jeans and heels with make up and cute jewelry. What do you think? I'm alittle worried because they all dress preppy...

Wear it! You have nothing to loose--sexy is sexy. No man is going to like every look on every woman, but all you need is *a* man, the right man. And men appreciate different looks on women, so you should on occasion change your look. You can go from a dark and mysterious seductress to a light angelic look. Go for it and have fun tonight.