Non-negotiables

My non-negotiables--I have three. That he be stronger than I am; that he be smarter than I am; and that he needs to have some gentleman in him and some street--and that he be wise enough to know when each was appropriate. That's the amount that I'm 'allowed' to have. I'd have a list of a hundred things that I *want* in a partner, but it needed to be distilled down to three. I've been O.K. with that for a couple of years...that is, until 2 days ago.

I don't watch Oprah; I haven't in many, many years. I'm natually observant; it's how I'm wired When I watched Oprah become racist, I stopped watching her. Yeah, I said that; it's my opinion that she is. I watched her walk out at the beginning of her show when she would slap hands with her audience members and only touch the black members. I watched her at the Oscar's when Halle Berry won hers, and Jamie Fox gave her a shout out. I watched her raise her arm in 'black power' definance...I'm old enough to remember the movement and the raised fists. She was 'over' for me in that moment. And it appears that much of my life and relationships have been that way. It's in one defining moment that things change for me.

Here's the point. I was channel surfing this week and came across one of Oprah's life lessons. Dr. Phil was on; I guess it was before he had his own show. It was about a couple deciding whether or not to marry and they had a 'T" bar drawn with pro's on one side, and con's on the other. The male fiancee' was angry at the female and had orchestrated a scenario where the female would come home and find him in bed with not one, but two women. She was still considering marrying him. On the con side went up the words 'he's willing to hurt you' and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Kathy had called asking me if I knew of any other neighbors with a water heater problem that she was having. I told her that almost 4 years ago at a board meeting, someone had brought this up and was argueing with the manangement company that his neighbor had told him that the manangement company had paid for the correction. She couldn't believe that I remembered that...but I did. I had been in touch with Frank over the last couple of weeks and she knew that I had spent the better part of ten years loving him. I had thought about it when he called. Could I forgive him enough to start over from the beginning. Dr. Pat would have told me to. That what ever relationship I had in the past with him had nothing to do with a relationship now. He threw hints to me; I didn't pick them up and toss them back. I couldn't. I couldn't forget every mean thing he had ever said to me. He was willing to hurt me.

Michael wrote to me this week. It took him a week to process what he had done. He wrote: Don't know if you are still speaking to me. Just wanted to ask you how thw ankle is coming along? Hope everything is good with you.

I wrote back say that it wasn't that I wasn't speaking to him, but that he and I had different understandings of friendship and in my world, you know who your friends are by who shows up. And since he had turned down three offers, I didn't exactly know where he fit.

He then responded: I thought there was a misunderstanding about me coming up that very Saturday to do something about the mold. I had good intentions, but we did not have the material. I guess that was my fault, not communicating that to you in the right way. I am not trying to come up with excuses, because I did cause all of this. I am hoping that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I feel horrible that you cried over that. Honestly. Maybe we can start over as friends. I loved getting mail from you even more than you did from me. It is always great to get a females opinion on things. I will keep writing every day. I hope you don't mind. And don't get all crazy and leave. Guys have a hard time with a strong woman who voices her honest opinion.

I asked him that "if he wanted to start over as friends" what he had thought that I was offering him before?  But of course he had every right to do he wanted, whenever he wanted and that I had only hoped that he would do something for me that he said that he would. Low and behold, I had waited 24 hours
and there was dead silence from him. At that point, I expected it from him; and it was unfair. Man time is slower than female time. I was honest with Michael about his having hurt me--that I had lost him as a friend, and I said to him that I guessed that all pain comes from wanting.

But looking at my interaction with him yesterday, I'm questioning whether my yang male energy is rising up for the protection of my heart or still being opened to the possibility of friendship. Or, whether there is a part of me that feels that he hurt me, he was willing to hurt me, and it's just time to move on with my life without his friendship as my awareness-growth for what is or isn't acceptable in my life. Would it be 'doormat' to let him back into my heart that far or a different understanding that my friendship with him would be peppered with disappointments knowing from this place forward that he's 'limited' and accepting of that?

His last email read: Fran, I am glad you are so direct with your words and thoughts. They are piercing, but they speak the truth. I guess that is why some people on the site do not like you. They cannot deal with the truth. Anyway, How is your Friday? Going good, I hope. Looks like it's going to be a nasty weekend. Even talking about snow. Geez, already? How was PT and how is the ankle feeling? wearing high heels yet? It has been a very hectic, but very productive week for me. Early next week, I am going to sit down and start the thread that I promised. I don't know what to expect, but it will be interesting. Have a great weekend.... Michael


I don't know the answer yet; this still needs some processing time...

What Is The Truth?

Michael hasn't written back this morning. I didn't expect him to; he's feeling badly about his behavior and I'm going to respect his space to process it.

I listened to a podcast by LH last night. It's been a long time since I've heard his voice. It's changed; his lecturing style has changed. He has 'up-talk' now; maybe he's been to some antiquated 'training the trainer' seminar that told him to end a sentence as if he were asking a question...popular 17 year ago...it was also peppered with OKs? and alright's? It's different, and it's back-peddled from the super-polished style he used to have. He's gone through some emotional upheaval in the last year; maybe he's more integrated as a man but regressed to a earlier emotional age.

I've never stopped thinking about him and how much I still believe that we would have been great together had the planets been aligned differently. I learned things about him last night...how much he knew about my side of the business, how that he had always said he hated my side, apparently he had a new found respect for investors need to be in the housing market (or he's lying and just smearing butter to line his wallet)...and he said he's wired to always tell someone exactly what he's thinking of them...ouch...I had always hoped that there was shock value hype to what he had said (lied) about me; but perhaps that is his percepted truth.

I've been chatting online with a few girls about dating. Someone had posted a relationship guru's list of do's and don'ts which were geared toward 'being friends' first and not engaging in romantic endeavors but suggested going out for pizza and bowling. I told her that his list had to have been written for 13 year old's. I received back some sarcastic comments that she would assure me that she wasn't 13 and couldn't see what was wrong with pizza and bowling and that she and I were very obviously looking for different men. I told her that I wasn't sure that it was different men as much as she should consider that she and I were looking for different relationship styles.

She wrote: So are you saying that dating is : * A sexual opportunity * What you do to impress others * A conquest ??I think he's trying to advocate not jumping in bed with the first guy that asks you to and to actually get to know a person. At least that's what I got out of it.

I responded: Anthropologically speaking, yes, dating is a potential opportunity to mate. That is the reason that people date ultimately is to pair-bond. Male animals bring food and other 'gifts' to females to impress them enough to have the female chose who she will mate with. His providing his gifts were the only opportunity he had to move his genetic material forward to future generations. It is his biological imperative. When a male of the human species takes a woman to dinner, he's impressing her with the fact that he can provide for her and his potential brood.

IF a man (takes you bowling or out for pizza) he has not proven himself worthy of having YOU as a potential mate. that is the reason that women look for a man who can cherish,  protect and provide. From the beginning of time, without a man's ability to protect you and your children, you died. Without his ability to provide for you and your children, you died. Without his cherishing you--WANTING to protect and provide, you and your children died.

Now you may say that you have the finances to protect provide and cherish your children without him, but the last 100 years hasn't changed our biological directive.

She responded: Anthropologically speaking - I think that's hogwash! I don't care if a guy takes me for pizza and/or bowling. I'm not looking at dollar signs. (Well, maybe a little, he has to be able to afford the pizza and bowling and not expect me to pay.) I'd rather go for pizza and enjoy myself than go to a 5 star restaurant just to have some guy try and impress me with his wallet. I don't get where food and gifts of pizza and bowling are not worthy.

I replied: Well, then perhaps, unlike me, you aren't looking for a covenant relationship. By the way, who said anything about a guy 'trying to impress you with his wallet' as cogent to 'NOT enjoying yourself'? Did you consider what you said? As an aside, you might want to consider reading Helen Fisher, PH.D. a lot of her work is like-kind material. Perhaps you won't consider it hogwash coming from her.

If pizza and bowling are worth your time as first dates, have at it. They aren't for me; it says 'as a man, I can't afford to treat you better'...accept or reject is Pat Allen's mantra; you would accept/ I would reject.

Another girl wrote: I'm from a humble background and I'm 46 years old. A pizza dinner would suit me just fine. If I wait for some man to give me better treatment  I'd be waiting a long damn time.

Fran, you are very helpful but sometimes I feel like you and I live on different planets. See, we don't all want the same type of person. My idea of a great partner isn't alpha enough for Fran and her idea of a great partner would bore me to tears. I'm gathering that you want someone similar to yourself, and very down to earth and fun - not merely what you think you can get.

I replied: I'm not sure if it's the same 'type of person' as much as the same type of relationship'.  Yes, I like my men on the far ends of the bell curve of alpha--because I'm an alpha--and he has to be able to out-alpha me.

The reason that you feel that you and I live on different planets is because I've lived the Pat Allen guide to androgenous realignment, dating and mating for longer than you have---there is growth that comes from knowing what you don't want, understanding when what a man offers isn't good enough verses taking any crumbs that he throws and at your feet and even as a single, filling out a relationship contract. When I first joined A's group and I read the kinds of things that I write about here--and all of those women's high standards, I felt much the same as you do...a great big 'give any guy a chance' and say yes, please and thank you to ANYTHING he offered. but truth be told, except for one--who is currently having her boyfriend cave and come out it with a pre-nup--everyone of them is married--and married well; to wealthy men that they couldn't be happier with.

Each set their standards of what they wanted and didn't settle. A. now has 2 kids, full time care, and her own office with 'no one touching her stuff' (on her single-gal relationship contract) no less than 4 weeks vacation per year, etc. She said no to dates that were 'walks in the park' and 'coffee dates', but 'yes' to cocktails with one guy while leaving him after an hour or so to have a late dinner with an other suitor--and let the best man win. Yes, she was engaged 4-5 times before the right one--but damn it--she was asked 4-5 times for her hand! The one engagaemnt that I was a ring-side witness to happened after knowing him for two weeks--I don't know the kind of magic that it takes to make that happen, but my mother always told me that her father told her, that when the right one comes along, you just know.

Pizza and bowling as an 'impression' first couple of dates are beta dates. Beta's either try to get themeselves an alpha female because they they need to be the feminine energy and want to be the one's who's feelings are cherished; or they will find an even more beta female because they know that it so little to make her happy.

I don't need five star restaurants all of the time--sometimes, there's nothing better than a half portion oriental salad at Applebee's...but I view those as comfort dates, not first impressions of 'will he or won't he make it past the first three dates'.  I'm not saying that 'let's stay in have pizza and a movie' night is a bad date-- sometime--but that's a date with an established boyfriend, not a date with a man who's trying to impress you. If you're impressed with a ten dollar pizza date, OK--no arguement from me, but I'm not.

One more womanl chimed in: that 'if you think you'd be waiting a long damn time' with that attitude about yourself, you're probably right! As for 'I feel like Fran and I live on different planets...this is also a matter of expectations and 'what we look for' in the world. It may be because Fran and I are older (and east coasters?), that we expect more of men that you younger women -- and esp. you California girls! (Yes, the ten years older I am than you makes a difference! {wink}) I, too, used to be astonished at some of the girls' standards. I'm still kinda astonished, and yet she was a relationship coach, who really knew her stuff (way WAY more femme than I managed, back then! Tee hee hee!) She did a lot to explain to me where my Yang/masculine views were tripping me up!

And yet, having a high standard -- expecting that a man will buy you dinner and not just coffee; holding yourself (SEEING yourself!!!) as worth more than a pizza dinner creates that in your life. You have a history (here, at least) of worrying about "men" being able to buy you dinner, and worrying about their funds, and ... just generally mommying them rather than expecting THEM to take care of you!

You might do well to work on EXPECTING men to buy you dinner, on seeing yourself as NOT a cheap date: you needn't be an *expensive* date -- but you seem as if you're thinking 'ooh, I don't want him
thinking I'm a golddigger, so I'll accept the very, very least he is willing to give. And tyhen try to 'pay him back' by buying him food too.' " And, so, the men you draw into yours life are poor or cheap!

Fran (and I) have reached the stage in our ... awakening... where we know we're worth a helluva a lot! A man has to work to prove himself worthy of me. (Yes, even fat, old, and a bit abrasive... I'm still a helluva prize!) *I* am not willing to settle for some guy who isn't truly (TRULY) adding to my life!! And he has to add to it with finances as well! Not that I'm a golddigger, but if he doesn't add (a lot) to my life, I don't have time for him (except as a friend). And yes, in the long-run,I prefer a pizza dinner to getting all
dressed up for a fancier dinner. But dating -- and more importantly COURTING -- is where the man is showing you that he can and will provide! He is "peacocking" because that's what makes his worth your
time! If a man's first offer of dinner is pizza, I will go, but I will be leery of his ability to 'take me on.'
If you keep thinking, "well, I'll accept ANY kind of treatment so long as he takes me out" -- the men you'll attract will be the type of men who don't think that their evening is graced and improved by the beauty and meaning you've brought to it! Michael used to STRESS that 'all your girls' need to understand that the man is PAYING for the chance to be with a gracious attentive woman (you know, a yin: receptive, available, respectful?) ALL the payment he gets is your charming presence -- and that IS worth money to a man!

Married...Hello and Goodbye

It's been one crisis after another since April and I've been lax at writing here, but I've spent about the last 14 hours crying on and off, and now, more than anywhere else, I need to be here. A couple of months ago I made what I thought was a new online friend and yesterday, he said goodbye. Michael and I met on a site where we share a common interest--I was getting tickets to a mixed martial arts fight for free and thought I'd take someone along whom I didn't know, just for the fun of paying it forward. I started a thread on the site asking for 'reasons why I should be taking you along'. He offered me dinner in Atlantic City and a box of chocolates. I thought now there's a man who knows how to make a woman happy...you're in, done....

I have a gift that I wished that I knew how to harness and that is that people tell me things; they trust me with their secrets. When I was working, I always knew who was getting an office, loosing and office, getting fired, or getting promoted. Once, I actually had my best girlfriend at work ask me if I would tell her the truth as to whether I was sleeping with the boss or not because of how much I knew of the day to day office politics...I wasn't. But it's always been that way for me and I do keep secrets.

When I began seeing my current doctor, my first visit was talking, my second visit was my examination. I brought my diaphragm with me because it was time to have it checked for size and placement and he stared at it for a long time...all that I could think of was oh no, is there a hole in it? After what felt like an eternity, he said to me 'you know I can't convince my wife' I said 'excuse me?' He said 'I can't convince my wife to go on birth control...I guess she's far less worried about her being pregnant than I am'. Wow, why would someone that I didn't know at all tell me something so personal? Which brings me to Kiran. I took the scooter to the pool to get my very few last moments of summer sun after loosing so much of it; Kiran came and sat with me.

I had known of her arranged marriage in India and her struggles with a not quite wrong but not quite right neurologically challenged husband and child, but what I didn't know was of her affair with the guy down the street. He was another difficult choice to make or not. He wanted her to leave her husband for him and they fought; he wanted her full time, she wanted what was best at this juncture for her children...but I learned something from her and that was her vulnerability with the guy down the street when they argued.

For me, writing has always been solace. When I couldn't say the words that were in my heart, I could always write. I began writing poetry at 13; honors classes in English in high school, the highest grade in the incoming freshman class in college. Writing was easy...a place to take the time to collect my thoughts...a place to relate; but also an understanding of the very real differences in vulnerabilities and intimacy between relating and relationships. When Kiran told me of her on going conversations with the new guy,  I told her that she was far more evolved than I was in verbalizing what was in her heart. I get hurt, I shut down, I hold it in...no one ever knows.

And that brings me to yesterday. I've only been out of a cast for about 3 weeks. I have a plate and 8 screws holding my right ankle together. Last week I noticed a roof leak in the garage that has already started to grow black mold. I can't get up on a ladder, I'm scared that my ankle hasn't healed enough. Michael offered to come up from Delaware, but I didn't hear from him. And tomorrow night, I'm having a cocktail party for all of my friends to say thank you for those who helped me with my crutches to get around to the doctors, the back and forth to the hospital and grocery shopping. I had another suitor who I could have asked to come, but I chose Michael to be there instead. It had been really nice writing with him a few times per day. It always made me smile when I saw that I had mail from him. There was, what I thougth was a level of honesty and vulnerability that I had the courage to share with him, and he with me. Until he told me that he had been dreading telling me that he was married. He asked me if it made a difference in our relationship. I thought about it, and yes, it did. What changed was the possibility of maybe. That maybe he might be the right guy; maybe there was a chance that he might be a primary relationship in my life. I'm lonely and I liked him well enough. Maybe.

I've had long term friendships with married men before. It wasn't a big deal. There wasn't any attraction for me. Their marriages were separate and aside from whatever our relationship was. There was Myron, and our shared love of sailing and we were in the same field, I was far younger and he was far older...he mentored me and gave me some gifts whereby I wouldn't be who I am today, without. We were friends for over 20 years....There was Richard the chiropractor who would have liked more of a friends with benefits situation with me, but he's a ginger and not all someone that I would be attracted to let alone the crazy conversations he would wake me up to have with me. He'd call me early mornings, and discuss his conspiracy theories of the federal reserve, 9/11...lol...I just thought he was an intense guy who's mind was always racing...who knew that was his mating call? I'll admit that sometimes I can be oblivious to a man's interest...

But that brings me back to Michael. He's cancelled on me 3 times this week. He told me that I had asked him something last week that had him take a long hard look in the mirror and he didn't like the man that he saw looking back at him. I'd like to say that there are downsides to openness and vulnerability; but I can't say that when it's all said a done, that an unexamined self awareness is something to be proud of. I guess I did a good thing for his marriage, but I lost a friend. I keep wondering what he thought would happen between us. Did he think I'd be a fun hook up that he might talk about and remember fondly or just high-fiveing with his friends about having 'hit it and quit it'? Did he think this would go on longer term and I'd be OK with his having two women in his life? How could he not know that although I couldn't always say this about myself, that today I'm ready to have the right man come into my life; I'm ready if all goes well and the tide doesn't rise, to be wife; and a man who's married isn't available, he already has one. Is cheating in his head so prevalent that it's the norm?

It ended between Michael and I yesterday when he said to me that sometime he'd like to come up, take me to lunch, bring a box of Godiva and include a foot massage...damn him for knowing that I'd love that. He asked me to forgive him and told me that he hadn't intended to lead me on. I responded that he hadn't until that moment...that telling me that he'd show up someday was social noise that I knew would never happen.

Coming to my home town and sharing a meal was no different then the time we would have spent together next month that he had just cancelled on me. He told me he'd like to stay friends...(I fell into my comfort zone of shutting down;) didn't say so to him, but he had already told me 3 times this week by cancelling, that he wouldn't. There isn't anything left to say.

I saw my regular doctor yesterday...yeah, Mr. 'Wishing my wife had a diaphram'...he's had another two kids since I've known him. We've been together now for 20 years. He's been my constant port in a storm...equivalently, the brightest man I've ever known...and I was engaged to a neurosurgeon. I've been to parties at his house, I have his cell number...I had a warmth and affection for him...I thought he would always be there. After my visit, I went to the front desk to make my appointment for 3 months from now and his receptionist told me that he was only working until the end of the year...he was taking a 3 year sabbatical...he didn't tell me; I don't know if I'll ever see him again; he didn't say goodbye.