It's been one crisis after another since April and I've been lax at writing here, but I've spent about the last 14 hours crying on and off, and now, more than anywhere else, I need to be here. A couple of months ago I made what I thought was a new online friend and yesterday, he said goodbye. Michael and I met on a site where we share a common interest--I was getting tickets to a mixed martial arts fight for free and thought I'd take someone along whom I didn't know, just for the fun of paying it forward. I started a thread on the site asking for 'reasons why I should be taking you along'. He offered me dinner in Atlantic City and a box of chocolates. I thought now there's a man who knows how to make a woman happy...you're in, done....
I have a gift that I wished that I knew how to harness and that is that people tell me things; they trust me with their secrets. When I was working, I always knew who was getting an office, loosing and office, getting fired, or getting promoted. Once, I actually had my best girlfriend at work ask me if I would tell her the truth as to whether I was sleeping with the boss or not because of how much I knew of the day to day office politics...I wasn't. But it's always been that way for me and I do keep secrets.
When I began seeing my current doctor, my first visit was talking, my second visit was my examination. I brought my diaphragm with me because it was time to have it checked for size and placement and he stared at it for a long time...all that I could think of was oh no, is there a hole in it? After what felt like an eternity, he said to me 'you know I can't convince my wife' I said 'excuse me?' He said 'I can't convince my wife to go on birth control...I guess she's far less worried about her being pregnant than I am'. Wow, why would someone that I didn't know at all tell me something so personal? Which brings me to Kiran. I took the scooter to the pool to get my very few last moments of summer sun after loosing so much of it; Kiran came and sat with me.
I had known of her arranged marriage in India and her struggles with a not quite wrong but not quite right neurologically challenged husband and child, but what I didn't know was of her affair with the guy down the street. He was another difficult choice to make or not. He wanted her to leave her husband for him and they fought; he wanted her full time, she wanted what was best at this juncture for her children...but I learned something from her and that was her vulnerability with the guy down the street when they argued.
For me, writing has always been solace. When I couldn't say the words that were in my heart, I could always write. I began writing poetry at 13; honors classes in English in high school, the highest grade in the incoming freshman class in college. Writing was easy...a place to take the time to collect my thoughts...a place to relate; but also an understanding of the very real differences in vulnerabilities and intimacy between relating and relationships. When Kiran told me of her on going conversations with the new guy, I told her that she was far more evolved than I was in verbalizing what was in her heart. I get hurt, I shut down, I hold it in...no one ever knows.
And that brings me to yesterday. I've only been out of a cast for about 3 weeks. I have a plate and 8 screws holding my right ankle together. Last week I noticed a roof leak in the garage that has already started to grow black mold. I can't get up on a ladder, I'm scared that my ankle hasn't healed enough. Michael offered to come up from Delaware, but I didn't hear from him. And tomorrow night, I'm having a cocktail party for all of my friends to say thank you for those who helped me with my crutches to get around to the doctors, the back and forth to the hospital and grocery shopping. I had another suitor who I could have asked to come, but I chose Michael to be there instead. It had been really nice writing with him a few times per day. It always made me smile when I saw that I had mail from him. There was, what I thougth was a level of honesty and vulnerability that I had the courage to share with him, and he with me. Until he told me that he had been dreading telling me that he was married. He asked me if it made a difference in our relationship. I thought about it, and yes, it did. What changed was the possibility of maybe. That maybe he might be the right guy; maybe there was a chance that he might be a primary relationship in my life. I'm lonely and I liked him well enough. Maybe.
I've had long term friendships with married men before. It wasn't a big deal. There wasn't any attraction for me. Their marriages were separate and aside from whatever our relationship was. There was Myron, and our shared love of sailing and we were in the same field, I was far younger and he was far older...he mentored me and gave me some gifts whereby I wouldn't be who I am today, without. We were friends for over 20 years....There was Richard the chiropractor who would have liked more of a friends with benefits situation with me, but he's a ginger and not all someone that I would be attracted to let alone the crazy conversations he would wake me up to have with me. He'd call me early mornings, and discuss his conspiracy theories of the federal reserve, 9/11...lol...I just thought he was an intense guy who's mind was always racing...who knew that was his mating call? I'll admit that sometimes I can be oblivious to a man's interest...
But that brings me back to Michael. He's cancelled on me 3 times this week. He told me that I had asked him something last week that had him take a long hard look in the mirror and he didn't like the man that he saw looking back at him. I'd like to say that there are downsides to openness and vulnerability; but I can't say that when it's all said a done, that an unexamined self awareness is something to be proud of. I guess I did a good thing for his marriage, but I lost a friend. I keep wondering what he thought would happen between us. Did he think I'd be a fun hook up that he might talk about and remember fondly or just high-fiveing with his friends about having 'hit it and quit it'? Did he think this would go on longer term and I'd be OK with his having two women in his life? How could he not know that although I couldn't always say this about myself, that today I'm ready to have the right man come into my life; I'm ready if all goes well and the tide doesn't rise, to be wife; and a man who's married isn't available, he already has one. Is cheating in his head so prevalent that it's the norm?
It ended between Michael and I yesterday when he said to me that sometime he'd like to come up, take me to lunch, bring a box of Godiva and include a foot massage...damn him for knowing that I'd love that. He asked me to forgive him and told me that he hadn't intended to lead me on. I responded that he hadn't until that moment...that telling me that he'd show up someday was social noise that I knew would never happen.
Coming to my home town and sharing a meal was no different then the time we would have spent together next month that he had just cancelled on me. He told me he'd like to stay friends...(I fell into my comfort zone of shutting down;) didn't say so to him, but he had already told me 3 times this week by cancelling, that he wouldn't. There isn't anything left to say.
I saw my regular doctor yesterday...yeah, Mr. 'Wishing my wife had a diaphram'...he's had another two kids since I've known him. We've been together now for 20 years. He's been my constant port in a storm...equivalently, the brightest man I've ever known...and I was engaged to a neurosurgeon. I've been to parties at his house, I have his cell number...I had a warmth and affection for him...I thought he would always be there. After my visit, I went to the front desk to make my appointment for 3 months from now and his receptionist told me that he was only working until the end of the year...he was taking a 3 year sabbatical...he didn't tell me; I don't know if I'll ever see him again; he didn't say goodbye.
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