My non-negotiables--I have three. That he be stronger than I am; that he be smarter than I am; and that he needs to have some gentleman in him and some street--and that he be wise enough to know when each was appropriate. That's the amount that I'm 'allowed' to have. I'd have a list of a hundred things that I *want* in a partner, but it needed to be distilled down to three. I've been O.K. with that for a couple of years...that is, until 2 days ago.
I don't watch Oprah; I haven't in many, many years. I'm natually observant; it's how I'm wired When I watched Oprah become racist, I stopped watching her. Yeah, I said that; it's my opinion that she is. I watched her walk out at the beginning of her show when she would slap hands with her audience members and only touch the black members. I watched her at the Oscar's when Halle Berry won hers, and Jamie Fox gave her a shout out. I watched her raise her arm in 'black power' definance...I'm old enough to remember the movement and the raised fists. She was 'over' for me in that moment. And it appears that much of my life and relationships have been that way. It's in one defining moment that things change for me.
Here's the point. I was channel surfing this week and came across one of Oprah's life lessons. Dr. Phil was on; I guess it was before he had his own show. It was about a couple deciding whether or not to marry and they had a 'T" bar drawn with pro's on one side, and con's on the other. The male fiancee' was angry at the female and had orchestrated a scenario where the female would come home and find him in bed with not one, but two women. She was still considering marrying him. On the con side went up the words 'he's willing to hurt you' and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Kathy had called asking me if I knew of any other neighbors with a water heater problem that she was having. I told her that almost 4 years ago at a board meeting, someone had brought this up and was argueing with the manangement company that his neighbor had told him that the manangement company had paid for the correction. She couldn't believe that I remembered that...but I did. I had been in touch with Frank over the last couple of weeks and she knew that I had spent the better part of ten years loving him. I had thought about it when he called. Could I forgive him enough to start over from the beginning. Dr. Pat would have told me to. That what ever relationship I had in the past with him had nothing to do with a relationship now. He threw hints to me; I didn't pick them up and toss them back. I couldn't. I couldn't forget every mean thing he had ever said to me. He was willing to hurt me.
Michael wrote to me this week. It took him a week to process what he had done. He wrote: Don't know if you are still speaking to me. Just wanted to ask you how thw ankle is coming along? Hope everything is good with you.
I wrote back say that it wasn't that I wasn't speaking to him, but that he and I had different understandings of friendship and in my world, you know who your friends are by who shows up. And since he had turned down three offers, I didn't exactly know where he fit.
He then responded: I thought there was a misunderstanding about me coming up that very Saturday to do something about the mold. I had good intentions, but we did not have the material. I guess that was my fault, not communicating that to you in the right way. I am not trying to come up with excuses, because I did cause all of this. I am hoping that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I feel horrible that you cried over that. Honestly. Maybe we can start over as friends. I loved getting mail from you even more than you did from me. It is always great to get a females opinion on things. I will keep writing every day. I hope you don't mind. And don't get all crazy and leave. Guys have a hard time with a strong woman who voices her honest opinion.
I asked him that "if he wanted to start over as friends" what he had thought that I was offering him before? But of course he had every right to do he wanted, whenever he wanted and that I had only hoped that he would do something for me that he said that he would. Low and behold, I had waited 24 hours
and there was dead silence from him. At that point, I expected it from him; and it was unfair. Man time is slower than female time. I was honest with Michael about his having hurt me--that I had lost him as a friend, and I said to him that I guessed that all pain comes from wanting.
But looking at my interaction with him yesterday, I'm questioning whether my yang male energy is rising up for the protection of my heart or still being opened to the possibility of friendship. Or, whether there is a part of me that feels that he hurt me, he was willing to hurt me, and it's just time to move on with my life without his friendship as my awareness-growth for what is or isn't acceptable in my life. Would it be 'doormat' to let him back into my heart that far or a different understanding that my friendship with him would be peppered with disappointments knowing from this place forward that he's 'limited' and accepting of that?
His last email read: Fran, I am glad you are so direct with your words and thoughts. They are piercing, but they speak the truth. I guess that is why some people on the site do not like you. They cannot deal with the truth. Anyway, How is your Friday? Going good, I hope. Looks like it's going to be a nasty weekend. Even talking about snow. Geez, already? How was PT and how is the ankle feeling? wearing high heels yet? It has been a very hectic, but very productive week for me. Early next week, I am going to sit down and start the thread that I promised. I don't know what to expect, but it will be interesting. Have a great weekend.... Michael
I don't know the answer yet; this still needs some processing time...
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