Michael hasn't written back this morning. I didn't expect him to; he's feeling badly about his behavior and I'm going to respect his space to process it.
I listened to a podcast by LH last night. It's been a long time since I've heard his voice. It's changed; his lecturing style has changed. He has 'up-talk' now; maybe he's been to some antiquated 'training the trainer' seminar that told him to end a sentence as if he were asking a question...popular 17 year ago...it was also peppered with OKs? and alright's? It's different, and it's back-peddled from the super-polished style he used to have. He's gone through some emotional upheaval in the last year; maybe he's more integrated as a man but regressed to a earlier emotional age.
I've never stopped thinking about him and how much I still believe that we would have been great together had the planets been aligned differently. I learned things about him last night...how much he knew about my side of the business, how that he had always said he hated my side, apparently he had a new found respect for investors need to be in the housing market (or he's lying and just smearing butter to line his wallet)...and he said he's wired to always tell someone exactly what he's thinking of them...ouch...I had always hoped that there was shock value hype to what he had said (lied) about me; but perhaps that is his percepted truth.
I've been chatting online with a few girls about dating. Someone had posted a relationship guru's list of do's and don'ts which were geared toward 'being friends' first and not engaging in romantic endeavors but suggested going out for pizza and bowling. I told her that his list had to have been written for 13 year old's. I received back some sarcastic comments that she would assure me that she wasn't 13 and couldn't see what was wrong with pizza and bowling and that she and I were very obviously looking for different men. I told her that I wasn't sure that it was different men as much as she should consider that she and I were looking for different relationship styles.
She wrote: So are you saying that dating is : * A sexual opportunity * What you do to impress others * A conquest ??I think he's trying to advocate not jumping in bed with the first guy that asks you to and to actually get to know a person. At least that's what I got out of it.
I responded: Anthropologically speaking, yes, dating is a potential opportunity to mate. That is the reason that people date ultimately is to pair-bond. Male animals bring food and other 'gifts' to females to impress them enough to have the female chose who she will mate with. His providing his gifts were the only opportunity he had to move his genetic material forward to future generations. It is his biological imperative. When a male of the human species takes a woman to dinner, he's impressing her with the fact that he can provide for her and his potential brood.
IF a man (takes you bowling or out for pizza) he has not proven himself worthy of having YOU as a potential mate. that is the reason that women look for a man who can cherish, protect and provide. From the beginning of time, without a man's ability to protect you and your children, you died. Without his ability to provide for you and your children, you died. Without his cherishing you--WANTING to protect and provide, you and your children died.
Now you may say that you have the finances to protect provide and cherish your children without him, but the last 100 years hasn't changed our biological directive.
She responded: Anthropologically speaking - I think that's hogwash! I don't care if a guy takes me for pizza and/or bowling. I'm not looking at dollar signs. (Well, maybe a little, he has to be able to afford the pizza and bowling and not expect me to pay.) I'd rather go for pizza and enjoy myself than go to a 5 star restaurant just to have some guy try and impress me with his wallet. I don't get where food and gifts of pizza and bowling are not worthy.
I replied: Well, then perhaps, unlike me, you aren't looking for a covenant relationship. By the way, who said anything about a guy 'trying to impress you with his wallet' as cogent to 'NOT enjoying yourself'? Did you consider what you said? As an aside, you might want to consider reading Helen Fisher, PH.D. a lot of her work is like-kind material. Perhaps you won't consider it hogwash coming from her.
If pizza and bowling are worth your time as first dates, have at it. They aren't for me; it says 'as a man, I can't afford to treat you better'...accept or reject is Pat Allen's mantra; you would accept/ I would reject.
Another girl wrote: I'm from a humble background and I'm 46 years old. A pizza dinner would suit me just fine. If I wait for some man to give me better treatment I'd be waiting a long damn time.
Fran, you are very helpful but sometimes I feel like you and I live on different planets. See, we don't all want the same type of person. My idea of a great partner isn't alpha enough for Fran and her idea of a great partner would bore me to tears. I'm gathering that you want someone similar to yourself, and very down to earth and fun - not merely what you think you can get.
I replied: I'm not sure if it's the same 'type of person' as much as the same type of relationship'. Yes, I like my men on the far ends of the bell curve of alpha--because I'm an alpha--and he has to be able to out-alpha me.
The reason that you feel that you and I live on different planets is because I've lived the Pat Allen guide to androgenous realignment, dating and mating for longer than you have---there is growth that comes from knowing what you don't want, understanding when what a man offers isn't good enough verses taking any crumbs that he throws and at your feet and even as a single, filling out a relationship contract. When I first joined A's group and I read the kinds of things that I write about here--and all of those women's high standards, I felt much the same as you do...a great big 'give any guy a chance' and say yes, please and thank you to ANYTHING he offered. but truth be told, except for one--who is currently having her boyfriend cave and come out it with a pre-nup--everyone of them is married--and married well; to wealthy men that they couldn't be happier with.
Each set their standards of what they wanted and didn't settle. A. now has 2 kids, full time care, and her own office with 'no one touching her stuff' (on her single-gal relationship contract) no less than 4 weeks vacation per year, etc. She said no to dates that were 'walks in the park' and 'coffee dates', but 'yes' to cocktails with one guy while leaving him after an hour or so to have a late dinner with an other suitor--and let the best man win. Yes, she was engaged 4-5 times before the right one--but damn it--she was asked 4-5 times for her hand! The one engagaemnt that I was a ring-side witness to happened after knowing him for two weeks--I don't know the kind of magic that it takes to make that happen, but my mother always told me that her father told her, that when the right one comes along, you just know.
Pizza and bowling as an 'impression' first couple of dates are beta dates. Beta's either try to get themeselves an alpha female because they they need to be the feminine energy and want to be the one's who's feelings are cherished; or they will find an even more beta female because they know that it so little to make her happy.
I don't need five star restaurants all of the time--sometimes, there's nothing better than a half portion oriental salad at Applebee's...but I view those as comfort dates, not first impressions of 'will he or won't he make it past the first three dates'. I'm not saying that 'let's stay in have pizza and a movie' night is a bad date-- sometime--but that's a date with an established boyfriend, not a date with a man who's trying to impress you. If you're impressed with a ten dollar pizza date, OK--no arguement from me, but I'm not.
One more womanl chimed in: that 'if you think you'd be waiting a long damn time' with that attitude about yourself, you're probably right! As for 'I feel like Fran and I live on different planets...this is also a matter of expectations and 'what we look for' in the world. It may be because Fran and I are older (and east coasters?), that we expect more of men that you younger women -- and esp. you California girls! (Yes, the ten years older I am than you makes a difference! {wink}) I, too, used to be astonished at some of the girls' standards. I'm still kinda astonished, and yet she was a relationship coach, who really knew her stuff (way WAY more femme than I managed, back then! Tee hee hee!) She did a lot to explain to me where my Yang/masculine views were tripping me up!
And yet, having a high standard -- expecting that a man will buy you dinner and not just coffee; holding yourself (SEEING yourself!!!) as worth more than a pizza dinner creates that in your life. You have a history (here, at least) of worrying about "men" being able to buy you dinner, and worrying about their funds, and ... just generally mommying them rather than expecting THEM to take care of you!
You might do well to work on EXPECTING men to buy you dinner, on seeing yourself as NOT a cheap date: you needn't be an *expensive* date -- but you seem as if you're thinking 'ooh, I don't want him
thinking I'm a golddigger, so I'll accept the very, very least he is willing to give. And tyhen try to 'pay him back' by buying him food too.' " And, so, the men you draw into yours life are poor or cheap!
Fran (and I) have reached the stage in our ... awakening... where we know we're worth a helluva a lot! A man has to work to prove himself worthy of me. (Yes, even fat, old, and a bit abrasive... I'm still a helluva prize!) *I* am not willing to settle for some guy who isn't truly (TRULY) adding to my life!! And he has to add to it with finances as well! Not that I'm a golddigger, but if he doesn't add (a lot) to my life, I don't have time for him (except as a friend). And yes, in the long-run,I prefer a pizza dinner to getting all
dressed up for a fancier dinner. But dating -- and more importantly COURTING -- is where the man is showing you that he can and will provide! He is "peacocking" because that's what makes his worth your
time! If a man's first offer of dinner is pizza, I will go, but I will be leery of his ability to 'take me on.'
If you keep thinking, "well, I'll accept ANY kind of treatment so long as he takes me out" -- the men you'll attract will be the type of men who don't think that their evening is graced and improved by the beauty and meaning you've brought to it! Michael used to STRESS that 'all your girls' need to understand that the man is PAYING for the chance to be with a gracious attentive woman (you know, a yin: receptive, available, respectful?) ALL the payment he gets is your charming presence -- and that IS worth money to a man!
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