Wondering Aimlessly Part Two

Let me give you a brief synopsis of the Kosher Adultery book. The author’s premise is that there are two types of love; fire and water. Fire is obvious; its lust filled, obsessive desire to be joined with that person without whom you die as if they have invaded your life force itself. And then there is water; cool. It is what happens to a couple with familiarity. Water is friendship, partnership and unwavering trust. It is also boredom and a passion-killer just as water extinguishes fire. I believe that "water" also leads to depression (internalized anger at your partner), resentment and ultimately apathy—just not caring about the other person enough to stay in the relationship. The excitement is gone, the lust, the feelings of wanting to build a future with that person are gone. Of course you begin to feel unhappy…

It is very easy to move in with a man and begin to play house and it is my opinion (I know this is hard to hear) that has been the root of your unhappiness. I know your guy would like to get married; most men go for a cheaper deal of getting an equivalent of a wife without really “paying” for one.

According to Dr. Pat, all relationships go through a one year test. The first three months are the perfect phase—he’s great, you’re great, you can’t get enough of each other. You dress up in for each other’s dates, fresh breath and wouldn’t dream of revealing any bodily functions in front of each other. The imperfect phase is the 3-6 month period of your relationship. You might head out to the movies without any makeup on or wear your “laundry day” clothes around on a lazy Sunday afternoon together. Months 6-9 are the negotiation phase where you begin to really meld as a couple by negotiating time, space—together and apart, play—what you do together and apart. Lastly, months 9-12 are the commitment phase—do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person and what would it mean. Where would you live, schooling, who pays for what? Are you compatible regarding child rearing, religion etc.

All of that should take place without your living together. You’ve missed the important steps of the growth and development—the deep attachments forming by moving the relationships too quickly. I would also add, that although it seems archaic by today’s standards, until you’ve decided that this is a man that you do want to build a long term relationship with, that you do NOT have a sexual relationship with him. The reasons are twofold. First, as a woman, when you become physically intimate with a man, your body produces oxytocin—a hormone that bonds you to him.

Have you ever had the experience of being in love and the thought of another man touching you is absolutely revolting? Makes your skin crawl? Every other man in the world is in black and white and your guy is in color? That’s oxytocin. Some women are more oxytocin sensitive than others—I for one don’t need to have intercourse to feel it when I do—for some women, it’s intercourse or not at all. I believe that has as much to do with getting close enough to smell a man’s immune system—but I’ll save that for another blog.

Here’s my point. IF you would not have physically bonded to a man by being a readily available sex partner and girlfriend, it would be easier for you to be clear about what you do and don’t want.

If you would continue to multi-date men until you have figured out whether you actually want to be THAT involved with a man over a period of months to a year, you wouldn’t be setting yourself up for disappointment when the guy or the relationship doesn’t turn out to be everything you had hoped for. Every person walks into a relationship with hopes, dreams, and expectations. It's up to you to negotiate with your partner what is and isn't a deal-breaker for you. And of course, that would be fluid and renegotiated as needed. For example, I know a man who's ideal relationship is convenient. He want both himself and any future partner/wife to both work and contribute to the household. I had to ask him if he thought that would be the ideal sitution when children came into the picture...did he want his children in childcare while his wife continued to work? After thinking about it, he said no, that what appeared on the surface to be ideal was tossed out the window when children came into the picture.

Knowing yourself and fully understanding what you are ultimately looking for will give you a far greater chance of getting where you want to go with the right partner without "wasting" years in unfulfilling relationships. It is far easier to weed the wrong ones out early leaving you open for the right man to come into your life. I've gotten to a point where very quickly--without even needing to meet a man--just by his phone calls and emails to me I can either say "pass" or "put this one into play".

Taking sex off the table (temporarily) does indeed have men weed themselves out early. Everyone knows that a man expects sex by date three...except that you won't give it to him. A man who is seriously interested in you will continue to court you and admire you in ladylike behavior; a man who is only looking to "lay down some pipe" will move on very quickly to a woman who will be available for easy sex.

Aimlessly Wondering Part One

Hey Fran,

I feel like it is not working with my guy. I fear that it will end since the beginning as you know since most of my relationships were just flings that did not last long. So, I do not know how to really deal with a good relationship. I expect probably super excitement everyday instead of accepting a normal routine. We do not fight, no major problems, nothing. It’s just me being scared. As you know my other long relationship more or less stopped being wonderful after 6 months and we started living together after we broke up and I had no intention building a good relationship out of it anymore after we moved it. It was already too much dirty water between us, many problems and couple of break ups.

This has none of it and I do not know how to deal. Also, why am I getting depressed? I do have a job, I do have a guy who is there for me. As far as I know there is nobody in my family with depression. Maybe there was, they never told me or that person even never came out with it.

It is the worst around my monthly cycle time. I am seriously starting to think that my hormones are going nuts and that is the cause of the mood swings and depression. My doctor made me test whether I do not have a problem with thyroid, the result came negative.

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Hi there and thank you for keeping me in the loop! I’m going to break this response to you into two parts. Here's part one:

It’s sort of interesting to me how things come into my life in waves. I’ve been enjoying (once again) a show on archeology—biblical archeology. (Did you know that there was a time in my life when I wanted to be an Egyptologist? I ended up taking belly dancing lessons instead—lol.

Concurrently, I happen to be reading a book (that I’ve read in 3 days) called Kosher Adultery by Shmuley Boteach. I’ve read a few of his books and very much enjoy his writing. I’m going to recommend this book to you, but I’d like you to read another one first—Getting To I Do by my mentor Pat Allen.

Let me give you a different perspective on relationships that relates to this book . In Pat’s opinion, there are three types of relationships. Covenant—where one person is the respected leader of the relationship and the other is a cherished follower. This is very traditional—and as you might be able to tell by my writings, the one that I prefer.

The second is one of convenience—where both partners add equally to the relationship and take turns being both the followers and leaders.

The third type is when one party is narcissistic and wants to be both respected and cherished and the co-dependent partner is a zero to their ten—meaning that you give to them and get nothing (they get everything).

Your first step is to determine what kind of relationship you’re looking for—because if you want covenant and your man wants convenient, the two of you have a compatibility problem--the relationship ultimately won’t work.

The second step is to decide whether you would prefer to be the feminine energy or masculine energy in the relationship. The feminine energy—which we call yin, is passive in romantic or sexual pursuit, receptive to his chase and all that he offers you.

The masculine energy—yang, conquers, competes and controls. Yang brings cherishing, protection and provision. Yin receives, is respectful , appreciative and available to the yang. Yang can be female—think CEO-would rather be at work then tending to the babies at home to her yin energy, artist, poet, cook, house husband. OR yin can be the soft, feminine girlfriend to the masculine macho yang man. Knowing which role you would prefer to fill give you a clearer understanding of the vacancy left and what you need that person to bring to the table.

I’m going to ask you to come up with a list of 3-5 non-negotiables. The absolutely bare-bones of what you don’t want to live without. And I want you to frame it that way if you are choosing to be the yin energy—not what you want, but what you don’t want. Yang frames their language by what they want/yin frames their language by what they don’t want. For example, my minimum requirements for a relationship are that I don’t want to be in a relationship where he’s:

1. Not as smart as I am
2. Not as strong as I am
3. Doesn’t have enough class in him AND street savviness at the same time—and he knows when it’s appropriate to behave which way

What Women Want

Freud didn’t ever have it answered, Chris Rock is closer than not with his answer of “every effn thing”….but I think Chris Rock is right on 99% of his understanding of relationships.

I was watching Dr. Drew’s new show the other night. I’m disappointed with his show in general—he barely listens to what his guests are saying to him and rambles on with the agenda going on inside of his own head. The subject was on what woman wants. The panelists were a bunch of 20 something bubbleheads without a clear understanding of their own needs. With every disconnected answer he responded “this is what makes men crazy”. The answers they gave were up, down, sideways and chock full of maybes.

I’ve thought about the men that I know—forty something’s that, like Moses have wondered aimlessly looking at the promised land of a woman’s heart , body and soul, but not being able to really figure out how to get there. Let’s start with the basics—because for the most part, it can be graphed. Women balance a man’s actions by zeros and ones. The more one’s he has, the happier she is and/or is more like to want to date/marry you. As I thought about this, it was interesting to me that in its simplest form zero’s are shaped like a woman’s opening, one’s are shaped like a phallus.

It’s easiest to begin by setting up a graph. Along the top columns are the categories of cherished, protected, provided for, stronger, smarter, refined, compatible, continuous, commitment, body language, and sex.

Let me explain each of these from a woman’s point of view—and that’s part of the key—to look at the relationship from the woman’s point of view and fulfill what SHE wants.

On the one hand a man might feel that this is selfish; what about what he wants? I know better. When women are happy, men are happy that they’ve made them so. If you can figure out how to make her happy, you by extension have the privilege of knowing the accomplishment that you did that. Your needs are far less complicated. You need to be respected, admired and appreciated for all that you do. You need a woman who is available, receptive and sexually attractive. You need to compete, conquer and control; you need women to allow you the space to.

1. Does he make me feel cherished in his life? Is he thoughtful or careless with my feelings? If he’s going to be late, does he call, does he call to say hello, does he flake out or show up?

2. Does he make me feel protected? Can I call him if my car goes flat or will he pick me up if there’s been a threat at the airport? Will he stay with me if I feel sick? Does he wrap me in the collar of my coat up to keep me warm when he knows it’s chilly outside?

3. Does he make me feel provided for? Will he help me pay my cell phone bill this month? Does he show up the day after I moved with coffee and a butter roll for breakfast? Does he offer to help me move?

4. Can I count on him to jump in the fray if we’re out somewhere and something goes down? Is he emotionally stronger than I am and I can count on him to be strong enough to allow my vulnerability with him?

5. Is he smarter than I am? Maybe not in every aspect, but can I respect and trust his leadership to not get us as a couple into financial trouble—but certainly be clever enough to keep us out of it?

6. Is he refined enough, gentlemanly enough that you aren’t ashamed of his looks or bad manners around the toughest (and maybe most loving) of your friends, colleagues and family? We like to call these “greens fees”—meaning that he’s met your most basic requirements of accepting him as a potential mate. Does he have teeth, clean short nails, lacking bad breath, no body odor, shoes/clothing without holes in them? Is he willing to chase you to make you his or is he expecting you in any manner to pursue him?

7. Are you two compatible? She wants to be married; he doesn’t ever want to be married again and only wants to live together. She wants to raise her children in one religion; he wants to raise them in another. She needs to be a stay at home mom; he wants two incomes and the kids in childcare.

8. Are your dating habits continuous? Is he in contact a few times per week, do you see each other at least once per week or as frequently as proximity allows?

9. Is he willing to make a commitment to you or does he want to continue dating other women when you’re fallen head over heels? Do you have social and sexual monogamy? He’s let you know by lack of a commitment to you that he wants to date and be sexual with other women? Has he made that absolutely clear to you by telling you what a commitment means to HIM?

10. Do you watch his body language? Does he lean into you when he speaks to you? Does he touch you? Does he fold his arms in front of him when you bring up certain feelings or ideas? Does he push himself away from his desk if you’re on the other side of it creating more distance? Do you watch his eyes for his neuro-linguistic programming love languages? Does he place his hand on the small of your back to shuttle you though a doorway. (Note that the lower a person’s hand is on your body, the more sexual attraction the other person is feeling.)

11. Are you sexually attracted enough? Not fireworks, not ice, but enough? Is he willing to wait to have sex with you until you are in a committed monogamous relationship? (That gets your players to date 4—meaning they’ve weeded themselves out of the running of having you.) And it will be music to a man’s ears who is looking for a virtuous woman. Pat says that men marry virtue, not vaginas. You can sleep with a man early in your relationship thinking that you can “catch” him that way; you cannot. That makes you tonight’s girl, not tomorrow’s wife.

Every single interaction a woman has with a man is graphed on the left side. Everything he says, every action, every reaction. Let me give you an example. I love crab cakes. I had gone out to dinner with a guy and chose that night to have ordered the scallops instead. He had the crab cakes and didn’t finish his meal. He told me he was saving me half of it so that I could have it for lunch the next day. Where did he score points? He was cherishing in that he remembered that I loved them (+1), he provided me with not only dinner, but lunch the next day (+1). Was he gentlemanly enough to have offered? You bet (+1). Let me add that when he picked me up it was raining out. He took my umbrella from me, opened it for me and handed it back; (refined) (+1). He scores another date; I’m still open to the possibility of him, by his behavior winning me full time.

That was the easy part, now let me add one more wrinkle into the mix…which is, does he listen? O.K. I get it; men don’t listen—any woman in America will tell you that. Men can’t help it; their brain wiring is different. We use more words; men want short sound bites. We need an explanation of telling you why we’re telling you what we are; you want the most important part of the answer first and concisely. BUT a woman will always tell you her likes and dislikes. If you’re paying attention, she’s giving you the quality information that you need to fit better into her life. A woman has her own full life without a man, you need to find a way to add to it...and if you can in a way that is meaningful for her, she’ll allow you to.

If she’s struggling financially needs your resources to have an easier life AND you’re willing to bring home the bacon; you’re in. If she needs children in her life and won’t have them as a single woman, you’ve added value if you’re willing to marry her. If she has children from a previous marriage and you’re willing to take them on and raise them as your own, as a father figure, you’ve brought something that’s missing.

I’m a big believer that if a woman is still, a man will tell her more about him in the context of conversation than if she was actively asking him questions. I also believe that a woman will tell you what she wants, needs, likes and dislikes by her verbiage and actions--if a man is willing to actively listen and push his needs aside.

Let me give you an example. I met a man a couple of years ago that I was very attracted to. He and I began to flirt. I was hoping he would ask me to dinner; he didn’t. What he asked me instead was to show up at a conference sans bra or panties but wearing fishnet stockings. On the surface, it might have been fun and sexy but then I thought about how uncomfortable it made me feel. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have done that; but it was inappropriate in the context of the lack of relationship. We weren’t dating; we weren’t physical; we really didn’t know each other and it was certainly lacking intimacy. In-to- me-see.

I told him that I wasn’t comfortable and I asked him if he would treat me the way that he would hope that a man would treat his daughter when she came of dating age. He responded with anger. What he didn’t see was that I was not dismissing and rejecting him for not meeting my greens fees of minimal acceptable behavior, but I was asking him to try again, differently. He didn’t see that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and how would he know what was or wasn’t an acceptable way to interact with me if I didn’t tell him? He had a chance to morph himself into a gentleman-- to start from the beginning to earn sexual privilege from me. He was a dark knight. From my perspective, it was a question of defending my own honor because he chose not to. He thought I was mercurial and crazy; I thought better of him as a man than he thought of himself.

When it’s all said and done. All of the zeros and one’s get added up over time into a trustworthy track record. This is a massive leap of faith where trusting of him comes in. If you think that he has a trustworthy track record, leap off that love-cliff! Trust him enough to let him take care of you. I know it is a hell of a leap and the possible downsides and what ifs are scary. But a woman has to believe that if she makes a mistake she’ll survive the heartbreak. The checks of one’s and zeros make the risks easier to follow your head as well as your heart.

Sponge-worthy

No, not the kind of birth control talked about in the old Seinfeld episodes where “the sponge” gets taken off the market and Elaine has to decide whether a man is worth sharing her dwindling supply with. This kind is the complete opposite of deciding whether a man is worth the birth control. This is about your worth.

Pat says that as women we must love ourselves first, so that others can love us secondarily. She compares women to sponges. She says you can't soak up water (or love) with a dry sponge; it must be wet with self love, in order to receive love from a man.

This kind of sponge-worthiness is about self love and teaching a man by your actions that you will NEVER love him more than you love yourself. Think about it, I for one can attest that the times when I have over given to a man I have been angry.

Let me give you an example. I have a neighbor who had just come back from an extended stay in Vegas. His Range Rover was dead, so I gave him a jump…and waited. He then needed to work on the battery on his Harley Davidson…I left. Before I did he asked me if I would follow him to the Harley dealership the next day, I said that I would, and that I’d like to leave between 11-12—which meant to me that I would be ready by 11—but I also knew that he would probably still be on Pacific time and jet lagged.

The next morning I waited until 11:30 to call him—he told me that he needed a half hour. I called him back at 12:10 and he told me that he was brushing his teeth, putting on his shoes and he would be right over. I called him again at 12:40 as he still hadn’t driven down the hill to my house (we live on a mountain) and left him a message that I needed to go to my attorneys’ office and that I would call him back in an hour and a half when I came back home.

I was pretty chalked waiting for him as I was the one doing him a favor. The entire time I was waiting for him I was getting angrier and angrier until I said enough and took care of myself. Once I decided to do what I needed to do, the anger dissipated I was free to relax. Then it didn’t matter to me if he took all day long to collect himself.

I had momentarily forgotten to love myself first. I had to value my time, if I want him to. I must be better to myself, than I needed him to be. I needed to make my own needs a priority. When I did, he asked me if I could pick him up at the Harley dealership. He gave me an apology and 50 bucks as a thank you for my time. I didn’t ask for either; I didn’t have to; he learned by my actions. Behavior modification and self care worked. Repeated calling and self sacrificing my time didn’t.

Let me extrapolate this to sex. How often as a woman have you or do you have friends who sleep with a guy hoping that she’d “catch” him by sleeping with him? Wrong move.

I’m reminded of a story that my younger brother told me of a girl who he slept with the first night they met. She had instantly bonded to him—she had that feeling he was special—and that he also somehow felt a special connection with her because they had slept together that night. When she said to him that she thought that he thought she was special, he laughed and said “how special can you be to me, I just met you”. She was heartbroken; but she did that to herself. She didn’t love herself enough to say no, but thank you, I’m attracted to you too, however, I’m not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship. Had she done that, it might have made her special in his eyes.

She thought that because she gave him sex he would think better or differently of her when compared to any other women who were also giving him sex…how painfully wrong she was. Men can get sex from lots of women, so it’s not the deciding factor of who and who a man won’t have a real relationship with or even marry.

It is not that men want a challenge. Once the challenge is met it is possible that a man loses interest. It’s not the challenge as much as it is virtue and value she sets for the commitment that she wants that has a man’s interest. A woman could be a challenge forever; a man want a woman who is filled with love—unwavering, centered and knows her worth. A woman filled with self love won't settle for crumbs from a man—including sexual crumbs. I woman must be able to say to a man that she loves him dearly, but not more than she loves herself.

Let me give you another case and point. I know a man who has been chasing a woman for years. From day one, she told him that she wasn’t interested in many ways. Her body language has her arms folded in front of her when he speaks to her; she ignores him with no response when he tells her he has lust for her. She insults him. He couldn’t get her and he couldn’t get her out of his head. He dated other women; he had sex with other women; no one compared. She used him to buy her tea at 2:00 a.m. when she was sick; and probably to further her career by proximity. She used him for herself care. He said he felt a real connection with her; I laughed—very obviously whatever fantasy he felt that she was “the one” because he said so, it was not reciprocated. He compares her by saying that she has “a rare inner glow”; he sees that in her because he loves her.

I recently saw some video of him, he looks crushed. His upper body is caved in when he sits; his head is dropped downward; he finally realized that he would never be the one she would want; he’s on antidepressants; he did it to himself.

He saw her as a challenge but didn’t see the reality of her not wanting him; he didn’t see her lack of virtue by dating and (probably) sleeping with other men. She kept telling him, he didn’t hear her in the sensory languages that she spoke to him. I saw her lack of interest instantly.

Now he’s had his Fisher King wound; it should have happened to him by the time he was ten. It’s the moment that a mother says no and teaches her son that the world is not for his gratification to take from, but to give to. It’s the moment that turns a boy into a man, by learning that he needs to do good to feel good. It is his obligation as a male to protect, cherish and provide for women, children, animals and the planet. For a man to love he has to give; for a woman to be loved, she must learn to receive. He says he’s changed; good for him. He’s had his emotional castration from her and he’s no longer a boy. She is not his lover, maybe someday he’ll see that she was a far more important gift; it wasn’t the gift he wanted, but it was the gift that he needed. I would hope that his behavior is no longer that of a frat boy insulting her and then wanting her. She couldn’t trust him; I don’t know if there is a woman on the planet that could and that was ultimately the reason she didn’t say yes. She loved herself more than the possibility of his not being worth the risk of being vulnerable to him.

Any man can sleep with women and not have any feelings for them at all; a woman bonds to a man emotionally with her body. A man bonds to a woman with a contract. Pat says that the only two lays that are important are the first and the last. The first time, she’s made commitment to a man; the last time is the ending of that commitment. Be cautious of how quickly you sleep with a man; Pat says that a relationship doesn't grow past the place of your first lay. Be cautious that you've gotten the commitment that you want from a man before you sleep with him. A man doesn't fall deeper in love with you by what you give him including sex. He falls deeper in love with you by what he gives to you outside of the bedroom.

Drinks, Coffee and Calorie Conservation

Coffee dates…are you kidding me? Meeting for drinks…ummm…if I’m driving just how many drinks do you think that I’m having?

It’s come down to calorie conservation in men. I get it—I really do. I have two brothers whose only potential for commitment is the commitment of getting laid.

So as a woman involved in online dating, it begins with a picture or two; maybe three. There’s one of you casual, one dressed up and maybe one of you with your dog; or your nephew; or in a group shot being out with your friends having a good time. So man gets a snapshot… and one quick glance of your life. Men are visual; it’s doubtful he’s actually going to read your profile—well not before instant messaging you. It’s a visceral gut reaction would I want to have sex with her? Do I see her fertility? Pass or play?

Lucky you, he’s momentarily intrigued. So maybe he instant messages you. You chat for a few moments…maybe at that point he goes back and glances at your profile…a glancing read of your carefully chosen words, endlessly poured over until it becomes absolute perfection of giggly, sparkling, polished vernacular in other words, bait. He looks at your profile again…and it comes down to an offer of coffee.

Coffee isn’t a date. It’s a pre-date; a once look over. Just past the “magazine advertisement”, he’s made a minimal effort to get himself into the show room—but is he actually going to spend money to buy? Nope. You get a test drive with the least amount of calorie and financial expenditure. Sir, I’m underwhelmed with your mating efforts.

I’m reminded of a male grey shrike—just a bird. His purpose in life is to reproduce; he knows nothing of dating; and yet he knows more than his higher thinking counterparts. Granted, both species know what brings them pleasure—sexual pleasure from a willing female. He competes with other males; the females size him up; will she or won’t she? He may not make the grade by comparison; so instinctively the shrike does something that would appeal to a female. He offers her stuff. He gathers food for her; bits and bobs of things to feather her impending nest. He places them within her view. He advertises that as a mate, that he’s good at gathering stuff for her. He gathers more than other males to impress her. The female shrike compares the male shrike’s stuff with that of other males trying to mate with her.

He pursues her for sexual pleasure which is his greater reward than the risk of the hunting and gathering as nothing more than an offering for her. He must be quick, he must be clever hunter, he must be efficient, yet conserve enough of his energy to be available for the mating. Survival of the species; it’s instinctual. And yet, there are coffee dates. The shrike knows that he has to offer a female stuff—food stiffs; stuff and more stuff. It is surprising to me that that for all of the higher brain functions that modern man has, conservation has outweighed instinctual ritual.

Truly, it is a man’s loss. I don’t want to put on heels or pressed clothes to be in a cold impersonal cafeteria for grownups. I’m not putting my best foot forward to be scurrying around waiting to grab a crumb filled, sugar strewn , impossible to get ‘table’ at your local in-and-out. And if you aren’t fortunate enough to get a table, sitting aside each other on wooden stools facing an outside window is even worse. I can’t get excited about a 20 minute meeting at Starbucks on the way home from the gym. I can’t get excited about you. I don’t have the anticipation of wanting to take an hour and a half just to meet you. Yes, I said it, an hour and a half. That’s exactly how long it takes to shower, shave, do my hair, put on makeup, be perfumed, and ready for the possibility of wanting to choose you to be my lover.

But I go in, compromising--when all he's offered is coffee and you haven't had a date in weeks and your choices are coffees, drinks or nothing... I go, because given the choice of either having a date or not, I took the possibility.

I walk in and question who are those people who sit there with their laptops for hours while caffeine addicted strangers scurry past their lives? Do they really have nowhere else to go nowhere else to be? Maybe they set up online date after date without ever leaving…maybe it’s a modern day opium den for lonely and addicted souls who would rather view the outside world as an ant farm then intimate interaction…maybe they need the noise as much as I need the quiet.

You show up barely cognizant that this is a date. Maybe you’re talking on your blackberry. Maybe you’re not quite done yelling at your secretary who hasn’t gotten the most important package in the world out the door yet; maybe you introduce yourself and slip up telling me your real name instead of your screen name and then backtrack. Maybe you tell me that you haven’t dated or had a girlfriend in years. Maybe you tell me that you’re “only” separated. Maybe you excuse yourself to go back to work. You give me a hundred reasons to never see you again all over a cup of coffee. Coffee--a duty date. Practice in being a feminine woman, practice in learning to receive what a man offers without complaining. Practice in grace. Practice in saying yes, please and thank you. Practice in learning to give a man a chance past his looks or initial impression of him. I gave my duty date an hour of my time--he would have sat there all night telling me how much better I looked than my pictures...how he thought two things about first dates…that if there aren’t any awkward silences between you then you have something to build on and that if you are attracted to someone you should let them know. He held my hand; he repeatedly tried to kiss me; I turned my cheek; I told him it was too soon to know if there was an attraction. If I’m not decidedly uncomfortable, I can talk to anyone for an hour; I can also be with a man without needing to speak to him. I’ve had some men tell me that in some ways, the silence is more intimate. It’s a level of comfort of not needing to be “on”; just being with a woman; her being in his space—his car, his home, being there with him, is enough.

We talked about the restaurant across the street… some Mexican place I had never eaten at. He told me that he had. After an hour I was ready to leave with my half filled glass of lemonade tossed in the trash. I told him that I was going to head across the street to get dinner. He didn’t offer to take me. I said goodbye by telling him that I was going to send him home to his waiting children. If I were interested I wouldn’t have dismissed him; I wouldn’t have ever ended a date. That would have never happened over a meal which leads me to question if I would ever say yes to a coffee offering again. It’s a disappointing beginning…it’s a disappointing ending. Nothing good has ever come out of an offer for coffee; even if it’s the morning after.

I’m considering an offer for drinks equally bad; for different reasons. At the outset of an invitation for drinks there appears to be slightly more thought; it’s dark, it’s romantic, it’s seductive…but too seductive for a first meeting. Does a man hope that you might loosen your resolve through alcohol and be an easier lay? Does that make it more manipulative or does he come into the date with at least a more relaxed demeanor of wanting to spend more time with you? Does he want to know you; love to you or lay you? Does he have the potential to be 51% of what I’m looking for in a mate? Or is it excess sugary calories without any of the benefits of having had potential for life’s ultimate sweet treat—a partner.

Coffee or drinks; that’s it? In the sexualized, ritualized, instinctual game of pass or play, I’ve decided to pass. It’s not a good enough offer. Just like the shrike, men that are serious, will make a serious attempt at a real date. The men that are looking to increase their sexual partner pool try to get away with using minimal resources, effort and calorie conservation. I have to admit that on some level, I don’t blame the men. The world has turned into a place of instant information, gratification, and pleasure, but lost its intimacy in the process. It’s distasteful to me and I’ve began to realize what a waste of my time it is to say yes to such a paltry offer.

Oh you say, but I blog…is it not a waste of your time to in essence talk to yourself through these writings? It is not; for in doing so I affect the lives of others that they may learn from the wisdom of my errors.

For Laura; The Differences between Boys and Girls

It was so good to see you last night. I always have a great love for you that I’m not sure that I know how to explain. It’s almost like you were mine. When I started babysitting for you when you were 6 months old I felt that bond with you; you were closer to being my sister than you were to yours. I still smile when I think about leaving your house, walking 3 doors down and having your father call me the minute I walked through the door asking me to come back because you wouldn’t eat for him.

I don’t think you could have been more than six or seven the summer when we all sat on my porch and I asked you what time you had to be home—you told me 7 pm and I said that it was really too bad because the fairies that lived under the ivy didn’t come until 7:30. You said to me with all the seriousness that you could muster how much you wished you would be allowed to stay outside to see them. You believed my stories and loved giving you that gift. You were part Irish; you HAD to believe in fairies.

I dream all of the time about being in your house with the secret window for the milk deliveries. Truth be told, my dream house still is an old colonial like yours was. I remember seeing you when I was wearing this nautical inspired white suit one summer and you telling me that you were going to buy one like that when you were out of nursing school. Do you remember how crazy that hospital was? Your mother worked there, my mother worked there, Jimmy’s mother worked there…overtime, time owed…I forgot to tell you last night that Karyn who worked in the pharmacy with you and I recently became back in touch with each other. I wish I could go back in time; it was happier then.

In a blink you were married and had children of your own. But when I look at you and how beautiful you are as a woman, I still see the baby with the blonde curls that turned red; your eyes still smile the same way that they did when you were six months old… but what I didn’t know about you until last night was that you had your father’s voice… and that you still loved listening to my stories.

So since we giggled about it, I’m sharing last night’s story for posterity.
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A Hollywood Blonde asked about a poem this way:

Never understood this poem. It's supposedly very good. Any help would be appreciated.
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“Chitchat with the Junior League Women”

A Junior League woman in blue

Showed me enough panty

To keep my back straight,

To keep my wine glass lifting

Every three minutes.

Do you have children? she asked.

Oh, yes, I chimed. Sip, sip.

Her legs spread just enough to stir

The lint from my eyelashes,

Just enough to think of a porpoise

Smacking me with sea-scented kisses.

The Junior League woman in yellow

Turned to the writer next to me,

Bearded fellow with two remaindered books,

His words smoldering for any goddamn reader.

This gave me time. Sip, sip,

Then a hard, undeceitful swallow

Of really good Napa Valley wine.

My mind, stung with drink,

Felt tight, like it had panty hose

Over its cranium. I thought

About the sun between delightful sips,

How I once told my older brother,

Pale vampire of psychedelic music,

That I was working on a tan.

That summer my mom thought I had worms

I was thin as a flattened straw,

Nearly invisible, a mere vapor

As I hiked up and down the block.

I rolled out an orange towel in the back yard

And the sun sucked more weight

From my body. After two hours,

My skin hollered… I let the reminiscence

Pass and reached for the bottle,

Delicately because I was in a house

With a hill view held up by cement and lumber.

A Junior League woman in red

Sat with her charming hands

On her lap, studying us two writers,

Now with the panty hose of drunkenness

Pulled over our heads and down to our eyes.

What do you do exactly, Mr. Soto?

And I looked at her blinding

Underwear and sip, sip said, Everything.

–Gary Soto
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My response to her was:

Junior League women are upper middle to upper class women and of the ilk of ladies who lunch (and volunteer).

This man is having delicious fantasies of undressing and soiling their cool and proper exteriors through mildly wine colored glasses so when she asks him what do you do, he responds to them with sexual flirtation by saying that he DOES everything...

This poem is coming from the perspective of a middle aged man. He now has a house on a hill, a job, children, and can actually discern the difference between what a bad and good Napa wine tastes like. Time has worn away his naturally thin youthfulness so he remembers fondly the summer where he didn't need to have a job and just lying in the sun kept his body thin at a time in his life. He reminisces for a time when these young women might have actually looked at him as a viable sexual partner. He knows in his head that they wouldn't look at him that way now but the fantasy of being sexual with these young women is a lusty, wine fueled flirtation...

It also occurred to me that that there might be an argument made that he isn't drinking literal wine at all, but becoming 'drunk' by sipping on the beauty of these women he refers to as these fine Napa wines.

Is this something you need for school? Because I can take this a little further...(I’m hoping that all of those years of having been in the honors classes in English will paid off for someone....)

If you are going under the assumption that there are metaphors embedded then the author leaves you to question if:

1. His brother is one of those 60/70's kids who liked being in a basement or dark room listening to acid rock with posters and black lights and therefore he called him a vampire OR if they had so little in common he just thought that his brother sucked.

2. There can also be an argument made that the author also might keep you guessing whether the “remaindered” author is his wife. (Remaindered book are those left unsold.) He might leave you questioning whether he (at middle age) begins to see his wife's flaws. Her books that didn’t quite sell out, that their relationship is no longer one of lovers but of friendship as long marriages often end up; Her body beginning to lack estrogen as her face begin to sprout a hair or two on her chin—his contempt for both of their ages thinks of her “a bearded fellow”  and no longer as the object of his sexual desire when compared to the fresh and promising young women sitting in front of him.
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And after my well thought out explanation of the poem, a male mushroom head responded as follows:
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If you would have asked me 10 minutes ago, "Do you think a story about a guy wanting to fuck young women could be gayer than Liberace?" Naturally, I would have said no.

After reading that faggy tripe, I now know differently.

Ah, poetry.
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I laughed.