Freud didn’t ever have it answered, Chris Rock is closer than not with his answer of “every effn thing”….but I think Chris Rock is right on 99% of his understanding of relationships.
I was watching Dr. Drew’s new show the other night. I’m disappointed with his show in general—he barely listens to what his guests are saying to him and rambles on with the agenda going on inside of his own head. The subject was on what woman wants. The panelists were a bunch of 20 something bubbleheads without a clear understanding of their own needs. With every disconnected answer he responded “this is what makes men crazy”. The answers they gave were up, down, sideways and chock full of maybes.
I’ve thought about the men that I know—forty something’s that, like Moses have wondered aimlessly looking at the promised land of a woman’s heart , body and soul, but not being able to really figure out how to get there. Let’s start with the basics—because for the most part, it can be graphed. Women balance a man’s actions by zeros and ones. The more one’s he has, the happier she is and/or is more like to want to date/marry you. As I thought about this, it was interesting to me that in its simplest form zero’s are shaped like a woman’s opening, one’s are shaped like a phallus.
It’s easiest to begin by setting up a graph. Along the top columns are the categories of cherished, protected, provided for, stronger, smarter, refined, compatible, continuous, commitment, body language, and sex.
Let me explain each of these from a woman’s point of view—and that’s part of the key—to look at the relationship from the woman’s point of view and fulfill what SHE wants.
On the one hand a man might feel that this is selfish; what about what he wants? I know better. When women are happy, men are happy that they’ve made them so. If you can figure out how to make her happy, you by extension have the privilege of knowing the accomplishment that you did that. Your needs are far less complicated. You need to be respected, admired and appreciated for all that you do. You need a woman who is available, receptive and sexually attractive. You need to compete, conquer and control; you need women to allow you the space to.
1. Does he make me feel cherished in his life? Is he thoughtful or careless with my feelings? If he’s going to be late, does he call, does he call to say hello, does he flake out or show up?
2. Does he make me feel protected? Can I call him if my car goes flat or will he pick me up if there’s been a threat at the airport? Will he stay with me if I feel sick? Does he wrap me in the collar of my coat up to keep me warm when he knows it’s chilly outside?
3. Does he make me feel provided for? Will he help me pay my cell phone bill this month? Does he show up the day after I moved with coffee and a butter roll for breakfast? Does he offer to help me move?
4. Can I count on him to jump in the fray if we’re out somewhere and something goes down? Is he emotionally stronger than I am and I can count on him to be strong enough to allow my vulnerability with him?
5. Is he smarter than I am? Maybe not in every aspect, but can I respect and trust his leadership to not get us as a couple into financial trouble—but certainly be clever enough to keep us out of it?
6. Is he refined enough, gentlemanly enough that you aren’t ashamed of his looks or bad manners around the toughest (and maybe most loving) of your friends, colleagues and family? We like to call these “greens fees”—meaning that he’s met your most basic requirements of accepting him as a potential mate. Does he have teeth, clean short nails, lacking bad breath, no body odor, shoes/clothing without holes in them? Is he willing to chase you to make you his or is he expecting you in any manner to pursue him?
7. Are you two compatible? She wants to be married; he doesn’t ever want to be married again and only wants to live together. She wants to raise her children in one religion; he wants to raise them in another. She needs to be a stay at home mom; he wants two incomes and the kids in childcare.
8. Are your dating habits continuous? Is he in contact a few times per week, do you see each other at least once per week or as frequently as proximity allows?
9. Is he willing to make a commitment to you or does he want to continue dating other women when you’re fallen head over heels? Do you have social and sexual monogamy? He’s let you know by lack of a commitment to you that he wants to date and be sexual with other women? Has he made that absolutely clear to you by telling you what a commitment means to HIM?
10. Do you watch his body language? Does he lean into you when he speaks to you? Does he touch you? Does he fold his arms in front of him when you bring up certain feelings or ideas? Does he push himself away from his desk if you’re on the other side of it creating more distance? Do you watch his eyes for his neuro-linguistic programming love languages? Does he place his hand on the small of your back to shuttle you though a doorway. (Note that the lower a person’s hand is on your body, the more sexual attraction the other person is feeling.)
11. Are you sexually attracted enough? Not fireworks, not ice, but enough? Is he willing to wait to have sex with you until you are in a committed monogamous relationship? (That gets your players to date 4—meaning they’ve weeded themselves out of the running of having you.) And it will be music to a man’s ears who is looking for a virtuous woman. Pat says that men marry virtue, not vaginas. You can sleep with a man early in your relationship thinking that you can “catch” him that way; you cannot. That makes you tonight’s girl, not tomorrow’s wife.
Every single interaction a woman has with a man is graphed on the left side. Everything he says, every action, every reaction. Let me give you an example. I love crab cakes. I had gone out to dinner with a guy and chose that night to have ordered the scallops instead. He had the crab cakes and didn’t finish his meal. He told me he was saving me half of it so that I could have it for lunch the next day. Where did he score points? He was cherishing in that he remembered that I loved them (+1), he provided me with not only dinner, but lunch the next day (+1). Was he gentlemanly enough to have offered? You bet (+1). Let me add that when he picked me up it was raining out. He took my umbrella from me, opened it for me and handed it back; (refined) (+1). He scores another date; I’m still open to the possibility of him, by his behavior winning me full time.
That was the easy part, now let me add one more wrinkle into the mix…which is, does he listen? O.K. I get it; men don’t listen—any woman in America will tell you that. Men can’t help it; their brain wiring is different. We use more words; men want short sound bites. We need an explanation of telling you why we’re telling you what we are; you want the most important part of the answer first and concisely. BUT a woman will always tell you her likes and dislikes. If you’re paying attention, she’s giving you the quality information that you need to fit better into her life. A woman has her own full life without a man, you need to find a way to add to it...and if you can in a way that is meaningful for her, she’ll allow you to.
If she’s struggling financially needs your resources to have an easier life AND you’re willing to bring home the bacon; you’re in. If she needs children in her life and won’t have them as a single woman, you’ve added value if you’re willing to marry her. If she has children from a previous marriage and you’re willing to take them on and raise them as your own, as a father figure, you’ve brought something that’s missing.
I’m a big believer that if a woman is still, a man will tell her more about him in the context of conversation than if she was actively asking him questions. I also believe that a woman will tell you what she wants, needs, likes and dislikes by her verbiage and actions--if a man is willing to actively listen and push his needs aside.
Let me give you an example. I met a man a couple of years ago that I was very attracted to. He and I began to flirt. I was hoping he would ask me to dinner; he didn’t. What he asked me instead was to show up at a conference sans bra or panties but wearing fishnet stockings. On the surface, it might have been fun and sexy but then I thought about how uncomfortable it made me feel. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have done that; but it was inappropriate in the context of the lack of relationship. We weren’t dating; we weren’t physical; we really didn’t know each other and it was certainly lacking intimacy. In-to- me-see.
I told him that I wasn’t comfortable and I asked him if he would treat me the way that he would hope that a man would treat his daughter when she came of dating age. He responded with anger. What he didn’t see was that I was not dismissing and rejecting him for not meeting my greens fees of minimal acceptable behavior, but I was asking him to try again, differently. He didn’t see that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and how would he know what was or wasn’t an acceptable way to interact with me if I didn’t tell him? He had a chance to morph himself into a gentleman-- to start from the beginning to earn sexual privilege from me. He was a dark knight. From my perspective, it was a question of defending my own honor because he chose not to. He thought I was mercurial and crazy; I thought better of him as a man than he thought of himself.
When it’s all said and done. All of the zeros and one’s get added up over time into a trustworthy track record. This is a massive leap of faith where trusting of him comes in. If you think that he has a trustworthy track record, leap off that love-cliff! Trust him enough to let him take care of you. I know it is a hell of a leap and the possible downsides and what ifs are scary. But a woman has to believe that if she makes a mistake she’ll survive the heartbreak. The checks of one’s and zeros make the risks easier to follow your head as well as your heart.
I was watching Dr. Drew’s new show the other night. I’m disappointed with his show in general—he barely listens to what his guests are saying to him and rambles on with the agenda going on inside of his own head. The subject was on what woman wants. The panelists were a bunch of 20 something bubbleheads without a clear understanding of their own needs. With every disconnected answer he responded “this is what makes men crazy”. The answers they gave were up, down, sideways and chock full of maybes.
I’ve thought about the men that I know—forty something’s that, like Moses have wondered aimlessly looking at the promised land of a woman’s heart , body and soul, but not being able to really figure out how to get there. Let’s start with the basics—because for the most part, it can be graphed. Women balance a man’s actions by zeros and ones. The more one’s he has, the happier she is and/or is more like to want to date/marry you. As I thought about this, it was interesting to me that in its simplest form zero’s are shaped like a woman’s opening, one’s are shaped like a phallus.
It’s easiest to begin by setting up a graph. Along the top columns are the categories of cherished, protected, provided for, stronger, smarter, refined, compatible, continuous, commitment, body language, and sex.
Let me explain each of these from a woman’s point of view—and that’s part of the key—to look at the relationship from the woman’s point of view and fulfill what SHE wants.
On the one hand a man might feel that this is selfish; what about what he wants? I know better. When women are happy, men are happy that they’ve made them so. If you can figure out how to make her happy, you by extension have the privilege of knowing the accomplishment that you did that. Your needs are far less complicated. You need to be respected, admired and appreciated for all that you do. You need a woman who is available, receptive and sexually attractive. You need to compete, conquer and control; you need women to allow you the space to.
1. Does he make me feel cherished in his life? Is he thoughtful or careless with my feelings? If he’s going to be late, does he call, does he call to say hello, does he flake out or show up?
2. Does he make me feel protected? Can I call him if my car goes flat or will he pick me up if there’s been a threat at the airport? Will he stay with me if I feel sick? Does he wrap me in the collar of my coat up to keep me warm when he knows it’s chilly outside?
3. Does he make me feel provided for? Will he help me pay my cell phone bill this month? Does he show up the day after I moved with coffee and a butter roll for breakfast? Does he offer to help me move?
4. Can I count on him to jump in the fray if we’re out somewhere and something goes down? Is he emotionally stronger than I am and I can count on him to be strong enough to allow my vulnerability with him?
5. Is he smarter than I am? Maybe not in every aspect, but can I respect and trust his leadership to not get us as a couple into financial trouble—but certainly be clever enough to keep us out of it?
6. Is he refined enough, gentlemanly enough that you aren’t ashamed of his looks or bad manners around the toughest (and maybe most loving) of your friends, colleagues and family? We like to call these “greens fees”—meaning that he’s met your most basic requirements of accepting him as a potential mate. Does he have teeth, clean short nails, lacking bad breath, no body odor, shoes/clothing without holes in them? Is he willing to chase you to make you his or is he expecting you in any manner to pursue him?
7. Are you two compatible? She wants to be married; he doesn’t ever want to be married again and only wants to live together. She wants to raise her children in one religion; he wants to raise them in another. She needs to be a stay at home mom; he wants two incomes and the kids in childcare.
8. Are your dating habits continuous? Is he in contact a few times per week, do you see each other at least once per week or as frequently as proximity allows?
9. Is he willing to make a commitment to you or does he want to continue dating other women when you’re fallen head over heels? Do you have social and sexual monogamy? He’s let you know by lack of a commitment to you that he wants to date and be sexual with other women? Has he made that absolutely clear to you by telling you what a commitment means to HIM?
10. Do you watch his body language? Does he lean into you when he speaks to you? Does he touch you? Does he fold his arms in front of him when you bring up certain feelings or ideas? Does he push himself away from his desk if you’re on the other side of it creating more distance? Do you watch his eyes for his neuro-linguistic programming love languages? Does he place his hand on the small of your back to shuttle you though a doorway. (Note that the lower a person’s hand is on your body, the more sexual attraction the other person is feeling.)
11. Are you sexually attracted enough? Not fireworks, not ice, but enough? Is he willing to wait to have sex with you until you are in a committed monogamous relationship? (That gets your players to date 4—meaning they’ve weeded themselves out of the running of having you.) And it will be music to a man’s ears who is looking for a virtuous woman. Pat says that men marry virtue, not vaginas. You can sleep with a man early in your relationship thinking that you can “catch” him that way; you cannot. That makes you tonight’s girl, not tomorrow’s wife.
Every single interaction a woman has with a man is graphed on the left side. Everything he says, every action, every reaction. Let me give you an example. I love crab cakes. I had gone out to dinner with a guy and chose that night to have ordered the scallops instead. He had the crab cakes and didn’t finish his meal. He told me he was saving me half of it so that I could have it for lunch the next day. Where did he score points? He was cherishing in that he remembered that I loved them (+1), he provided me with not only dinner, but lunch the next day (+1). Was he gentlemanly enough to have offered? You bet (+1). Let me add that when he picked me up it was raining out. He took my umbrella from me, opened it for me and handed it back; (refined) (+1). He scores another date; I’m still open to the possibility of him, by his behavior winning me full time.
That was the easy part, now let me add one more wrinkle into the mix…which is, does he listen? O.K. I get it; men don’t listen—any woman in America will tell you that. Men can’t help it; their brain wiring is different. We use more words; men want short sound bites. We need an explanation of telling you why we’re telling you what we are; you want the most important part of the answer first and concisely. BUT a woman will always tell you her likes and dislikes. If you’re paying attention, she’s giving you the quality information that you need to fit better into her life. A woman has her own full life without a man, you need to find a way to add to it...and if you can in a way that is meaningful for her, she’ll allow you to.
If she’s struggling financially needs your resources to have an easier life AND you’re willing to bring home the bacon; you’re in. If she needs children in her life and won’t have them as a single woman, you’ve added value if you’re willing to marry her. If she has children from a previous marriage and you’re willing to take them on and raise them as your own, as a father figure, you’ve brought something that’s missing.
I’m a big believer that if a woman is still, a man will tell her more about him in the context of conversation than if she was actively asking him questions. I also believe that a woman will tell you what she wants, needs, likes and dislikes by her verbiage and actions--if a man is willing to actively listen and push his needs aside.
Let me give you an example. I met a man a couple of years ago that I was very attracted to. He and I began to flirt. I was hoping he would ask me to dinner; he didn’t. What he asked me instead was to show up at a conference sans bra or panties but wearing fishnet stockings. On the surface, it might have been fun and sexy but then I thought about how uncomfortable it made me feel. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t have done that; but it was inappropriate in the context of the lack of relationship. We weren’t dating; we weren’t physical; we really didn’t know each other and it was certainly lacking intimacy. In-to- me-see.
I told him that I wasn’t comfortable and I asked him if he would treat me the way that he would hope that a man would treat his daughter when she came of dating age. He responded with anger. What he didn’t see was that I was not dismissing and rejecting him for not meeting my greens fees of minimal acceptable behavior, but I was asking him to try again, differently. He didn’t see that I was giving him the benefit of the doubt and how would he know what was or wasn’t an acceptable way to interact with me if I didn’t tell him? He had a chance to morph himself into a gentleman-- to start from the beginning to earn sexual privilege from me. He was a dark knight. From my perspective, it was a question of defending my own honor because he chose not to. He thought I was mercurial and crazy; I thought better of him as a man than he thought of himself.
When it’s all said and done. All of the zeros and one’s get added up over time into a trustworthy track record. This is a massive leap of faith where trusting of him comes in. If you think that he has a trustworthy track record, leap off that love-cliff! Trust him enough to let him take care of you. I know it is a hell of a leap and the possible downsides and what ifs are scary. But a woman has to believe that if she makes a mistake she’ll survive the heartbreak. The checks of one’s and zeros make the risks easier to follow your head as well as your heart.
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