Aimlessly Wondering Part One

Hey Fran,

I feel like it is not working with my guy. I fear that it will end since the beginning as you know since most of my relationships were just flings that did not last long. So, I do not know how to really deal with a good relationship. I expect probably super excitement everyday instead of accepting a normal routine. We do not fight, no major problems, nothing. It’s just me being scared. As you know my other long relationship more or less stopped being wonderful after 6 months and we started living together after we broke up and I had no intention building a good relationship out of it anymore after we moved it. It was already too much dirty water between us, many problems and couple of break ups.

This has none of it and I do not know how to deal. Also, why am I getting depressed? I do have a job, I do have a guy who is there for me. As far as I know there is nobody in my family with depression. Maybe there was, they never told me or that person even never came out with it.

It is the worst around my monthly cycle time. I am seriously starting to think that my hormones are going nuts and that is the cause of the mood swings and depression. My doctor made me test whether I do not have a problem with thyroid, the result came negative.

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Hi there and thank you for keeping me in the loop! I’m going to break this response to you into two parts. Here's part one:

It’s sort of interesting to me how things come into my life in waves. I’ve been enjoying (once again) a show on archeology—biblical archeology. (Did you know that there was a time in my life when I wanted to be an Egyptologist? I ended up taking belly dancing lessons instead—lol.

Concurrently, I happen to be reading a book (that I’ve read in 3 days) called Kosher Adultery by Shmuley Boteach. I’ve read a few of his books and very much enjoy his writing. I’m going to recommend this book to you, but I’d like you to read another one first—Getting To I Do by my mentor Pat Allen.

Let me give you a different perspective on relationships that relates to this book . In Pat’s opinion, there are three types of relationships. Covenant—where one person is the respected leader of the relationship and the other is a cherished follower. This is very traditional—and as you might be able to tell by my writings, the one that I prefer.

The second is one of convenience—where both partners add equally to the relationship and take turns being both the followers and leaders.

The third type is when one party is narcissistic and wants to be both respected and cherished and the co-dependent partner is a zero to their ten—meaning that you give to them and get nothing (they get everything).

Your first step is to determine what kind of relationship you’re looking for—because if you want covenant and your man wants convenient, the two of you have a compatibility problem--the relationship ultimately won’t work.

The second step is to decide whether you would prefer to be the feminine energy or masculine energy in the relationship. The feminine energy—which we call yin, is passive in romantic or sexual pursuit, receptive to his chase and all that he offers you.

The masculine energy—yang, conquers, competes and controls. Yang brings cherishing, protection and provision. Yin receives, is respectful , appreciative and available to the yang. Yang can be female—think CEO-would rather be at work then tending to the babies at home to her yin energy, artist, poet, cook, house husband. OR yin can be the soft, feminine girlfriend to the masculine macho yang man. Knowing which role you would prefer to fill give you a clearer understanding of the vacancy left and what you need that person to bring to the table.

I’m going to ask you to come up with a list of 3-5 non-negotiables. The absolutely bare-bones of what you don’t want to live without. And I want you to frame it that way if you are choosing to be the yin energy—not what you want, but what you don’t want. Yang frames their language by what they want/yin frames their language by what they don’t want. For example, my minimum requirements for a relationship are that I don’t want to be in a relationship where he’s:

1. Not as smart as I am
2. Not as strong as I am
3. Doesn’t have enough class in him AND street savviness at the same time—and he knows when it’s appropriate to behave which way