Soul Gifts

J. One more thing I forgot to mention yesterday. I don’t know if we’ve ever talked about receiving ‘soul gifts’ from a man, but we should.

You can always ask a man for things…to buy you a house, a piece of jewelry or a couch, but what you can’t ask him for are gifts from his soul…he must choose to give them to you when it’s appropriate for him and when he has mustered up the courage to do so. Soul gifts include asking him for anything that is more, better or different than what he offers you. Soul gifts are asking him for more time, space, a direct commitment or sex. IF you ask him for any of the above, you are in effect emasculating him and either treating him like a child and asking him to do what you want him to do or asking that he change his energy from his masculine hunter—to feminine energy by receiving masculine energy from you—‘I want’ is masculine, ‘I don’t want’ is feminine.

So for example, you cannot ask a man to spend more time with you—‘I know you want to go out with your friends Saturday night, but I’ve only seen you once this week’. You cannot ask a man to spend the night making love with you. You cannot ask a man to pick you to love. Masculine energy moves toward a woman, feminine energy receives from a man. If you move toward him, you block him from coming to you which is what every man needs to do to win a woman’s heart, attention and affection.

By asking a man for a soul gift, you have in effect told him that you are unhappy with him…what he has offered you isn’t enough…and a man will always gravitate toward a woman he KNOWS he can make happy and away from a woman he can’t. Eventually, because of the bitching you did over the little things will cause him give up trying and say to you that you deserve a better man than the one I can be for you. You will have broken his spirit. I believe this is part of the reason A. is angry with you right now and lashing out on facebook. He offered you his love when you were sitting on the couch, you asked him to make it more special. He told you that he loved you every day; he told you that if it weren’t for your rules, you would be together. His pressuring you for sex afterwards was his needing to conquer you. He needed to know that he could win you away from another man and that your loosening your resolve of your natural virtuous nature would be the proof he needed that you were his. Again, a man NEEDS to conquer, compete and control his world.

I know that you are angry with the woman he had relations with, but calling her a slut reflects poorly on you—not her. It’s displaced anger. And I absolutely realize that ‘girl code’ in a perfect world would have stopped her from doing what she did. It was A.’s choice to sleep with her and that is where your anger should be directed not some crazy Jerry Springer cat fight. You don’t have a relationship with her, she didn’t have to honor your friendship above her choosing to sleep with him…and truth be told, you don’t have the right to ask that of any woman.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that there was a time in my life when I would have chosen girl code honor and loyalty above any guy. I’m not sure that I feel that way any longer…why should I give up my chance for happiness and romantic love over a girlfriend? She won’t be the one keeping me warm at night, building a future with me, or holding my hand when I come out of surgery. A husband will do that, not a girlfriend. A. was no longer your boyfriend; he had every right to sleep with whomever he wanted.

But it is now your job to remain light, breezy and above the fray. As a woman who is available you should be out dating, but keeping your casual affairs private. It’s not any man’s business to see you with another man in a photo on your facebook page. It’s not another man’s business to see who you were talking to when or who the object of your affections are—even if they are friendship related or fleeting. It isn’t appropriate until you are engaged—then joyfully announce it to the entire world.

There is no saying on your status how much you love talking to or being with D. That will always be construed in a man’s mind that you are having a physical relationship with him. Every man feels in his gut that woman and men cannot be friends—every man feels that there is always sexual interest on the man’s part; he’s just waiting for the moment that she says yes. Your facebook status should show you in a happy, happy, joy, joy place without naming names or events. Part of a woman’s allure is a little mystery. Your status should reflect this by using verbiage such as ‘It was a wonderful day…right now, I couldn’t be happier’. ‘Summer is here, and all is right with the world’. ‘Sun, sand, wind, water, smiles…my soul is at peace’. Today was filled with lots of giggles, I’m still smiling as I write this’. That will keep A. wondering why you life is just fine without him in it. It keeps him questioning who you’re with and what you’re doing when you’re not with him and why you’re so damn happy.

I do want to jump back for a moment and discuss asking for commitment as a soul gift because I said that you cannot ask a man directly for a commitment even when you are ready for one. Typically relationships go through a series of phases within a year—the last 3 months are the commitment phase. It is at that point that a man has gone through his seeing you as perfect, the next three the chinks in your armor begin to show and you’re not as perfect but he loves your quirks and can accept you as human instead of a goddess, the next three month he begins to question whether or not you might be the right woman to commit to and the last three are the negotiation phase where you come down from the love cloud and really begin to negotiate your lives together. At that point he’ll begin to question with you how many children do you see yourself having, where you would live together, etc.

IF, however, you are ready to make a commitment to be engaged and he has not had this conversation with you, you simply tell him that you have loved spending the last year of your life loving him and that you dream of being his wife but that you will only stay for as long as you can without a commitment from him. Nothing will make you happier than being a wife and mother, but if he cannot make a lifelong commitment to you that you owe it to yourself to find a man that will make your dreams come true. You then give yourself a date that is in your mind (don’t tell him—that makes it an ultimatum) such as 6 months, your birthday, whatever…and if he hasn’t shown up with a marriage proposal, you end your relationship with him. You have given him enough time to figure out whether he wants to spend his life with you or not—and any question that is not answered with a yes, is a no—there is nothing else. There isn’t anything a man is ever going to learn about you in two years that he didn’t know in one—and if he says he’s not ready, great, thank him for his honesty and move on to a man who is. You thank him silently for not wasting any more of your time waiting for him. Your childbearing years and beauty of your youth is finite. Youth and beauty doesn’t last forever, Men will always chose a woman for her youth, vitality and beauty. It’s almost stunning how little brains matter when it is compared to a woman’s beauty and sexuality for a man. But it is the yin to his yang and the balance of energies. If a man wanted an intellectual conversation, he could find that in another man. What he needs a woman for is her softness, sensuality and sexuality—that is her allure that makes a man want to give up his God given freedom for the irreplaceably of choosing one, only one special woman to cherish, protect and provide for.

A Woman's Worth

Hi J.—ahhh we do weave tangled webs…there are two things I’d like to talk to you about today but both are related to recognizing your value as a woman. The first is related to N. I know how very attracted you are to him and how excited you were over the possibility of dating him…but he didn’t ask, and so, as of right now, he’s to be considered to be out of sight and out of mind. You must find a way to meet other men to stop you from either thinking about him or A.

You’ve spent a lot of your time texting back and forth with N. but here is what you need to realize…by giving of your time so freely, N. has in effect gotten to learn about you and has gotten your time and attention without paying for it—as in a date—a real date where he takes you out to a show or a meal—and pays for the privilege of your company, your smile and attention. Right now he has your attention without truly earning your affection. I know that the rumor mill is that he is a player—and by giving him your time freely, you have played into his hand. Players play because women allow that to happen—and you already know he has a cadre of women ready, willing and able to be his sexual partner without him ‘giving’ anything to them other than moments of attention-when that isn’t nearly anything close to a good enough offer—not for you, anyway.

Women with low self esteem, who haven’t been properly loved, will accept crumb offerings from men who they gladly throw themselves at for so little offered to them. Women of value and valor will pay attention to the man who is most actively pursuing her and working hard to be worthy of a place in her life. Right now, N. is officially a time-waster in your life. You should begin to give him less and less of your time—no more than 5 minutes of texting. If he wants more of your time, he can date you. I know that you’re disappointed that he hasn’t asked, but you’re saying that now you would agree not to date him but hang-out with him. That behavior is in every way, shape and form a lowering of your standards…why wouldn’t you be good enough to date? The answer is that you are, and being willing to accept ‘less’ from a man just to have his attention is not the way to have a man love you…you must REQUIRE more from him. A man will not give you more than you require of him—always remember that. Accepting less from a man as ‘good enough’ makes you a door mat—the kind of woman he could walk all over and use—but that does NOT make you the kind of woman he would want to love. The behavior of accepting less from him makes you as common as the other women that he’s sleeping with—they too accept less just to have moments of his company. To set yourself apart and behave different is really a gift to a man. Men NEED to compete, conquer and control—that is what makes a man FEEL like a man—to know that he had a challenge, rose up to meet it and defeated/conquered what he had set out to do. No man wants a dead beast who walked itself up and landed on his doorstep and died…yes, he may eat that meat, but there was not the challenge of his having worked for the kill, and no pride in having done so.

I know that you’ve said that you aren’t in love with N.; I didn’t say that you were. I’m asking you to recognize oxytocin bonding and how quickly a woman’s body reacts to a man’s pheromones *IF* he has the right biocompatibility to produce an immunologically healthy offspring with you. You get giddy, can’t think of anything else but him; excitement over the possibility of new love sends you to the moon…recognize it when it happens…it will happen to you for the rest of your life…

And that brings me to A. who I know you have loved for a long time. He’s an ass…O.K. a bastard…alpha males are. If you want an alpha male, that is part of what you are getting…deal with it, or date a lesser beta male who is softer and more pliable. The only way to tame an alpha male is to hold your feminine ‘don’t wants’ without wavering. You don’t want to be treated poorly or lied to; you don’t want him to play games with you; you don’t want a physical relationship without a committed relationship; you don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t go to church with you on Sunday’s. You don’t want to have repeated arguments with him over these things… All that you can say to him is that you know that he is smarter than you are, that he can out-argue you every time and you don’t want to continue to do it…that’s just the way you feel, you won’t change your mind and you hope that he can understand your feelings on all of this. *IF* he is willing to accept your terms, than congratulations, you have just changed a mere man into a gentleman. If he chooses NOT to accept your terms for your relationship, wish him well, and release him back into the wild to find a woman with whom those things he wishes to remain in his life as status quo are a compatible match—and he has every right to find that better match. That woman will NOT be you, but believe sweetheart, that should you waiver on ANY of your relationship requirements, he will forever badger you about what HE wants from you because he will know forever more that with enough cajoling, and you will loosen your resolve and give into him.

I am NOT saying that you should have every one of your heart’s desires fulfilled by any man at every given moment. That’s neither realistic nor really what you would want from a partner. (Any man who says ‘yes dear’ to your every whim cannot garner your respect.) But the things that are non-negotiable to you—religion, physical relationship, commitment levels, illegal recreational activities etc. must be unwavering in your resolve. I.e. If you don’t date a guy who does drugs then you don’t fall in love with a guy who does drugs, you don’t marry a guy who does drugs and you don’t end up in a crappy marriage because if it. If you don’t date a guy who has lots of sexual partners, you don’t fall in a love with a guy who has had lots of sexual partners, you don’t end up with an STD that you didn’t have before he entered your life. Be mindful in your choices, have your non-negotiable clearly thought out and tread lightly in the dating world. It is only your promises to yourself that you keep that sets you apart from every other girl in the world-- while always remembering that it is your vulnerability to allow yourself to be loved by a man who is worthy of you that will always make you the most lovable. Remember always you are the prize to be won; but only after a man (by actions) proved himself worthy of having you.

Facebook

J--just one more thing....the F word...facebook. It is difficult at your age to have your life not be an open book because of how tied you are to social networking; however, some years ago I had a mentor tell me to "close my circle" of friends--no one gets in, no one gets out--after a several million dollar real estate deal suddenly disappeared by talking about it with my best friend (who showed up unannounced, but with flowers on my birthday). We talked for hours, and, of course the deal I had worked on all day long came up. She also worked in the field, but for a developer--and within a day my deal, my contract and ultimately, she was gone.

What I am saying to you, is that you can't trust the people that you think you can trust--because I certainly couldn't and I'm much further away from home town gossip than you are.

IF you are going to be multiple dating until a man proves himself worthy and takes you off the market, it would behoove you NOT to leave pictures of you with other men on your profile so that A. or anyone else that you might be interested in see pictures of you out at a party or harmlessly standing with another man's arm around you. I'm again going to stress for you the concept of lying for love. Right now, you should be letting as many men as care to shower you with symbols of their affection toward you. If you make one angry, he will no longer have his heart as open to courting you as he did prior to seeing you with another man.

IF you aren't ready to let go of hundreds of friends and the entire town knowing your life in pictures, I would suggest to you to have a separate facebook account for any new suitors to befriend you. I would be as prudent as possible about putting up pictures with other men. Have all of your girlfriends up with the fun times you've spent with them, your siblings, etc. but not pictures of you and other men you are dating. Your current friends can stay on your main account, but add and remove suitors as friends as they come in and out of your life without anyone who doesn't need to be privy to your most intimate details of your single dating life.

Lying for Love

Hi Fran. I have a problem. A. got mad because I still have one of D's sweatshirts at my house and he told me to get rid of it and I said no. He freaked out--then out of no where he apologizes and says he doesn't care because he's not my boyfriend but then he said he won't ask me to officially be his girlfriend until I get rid of the sweatshirt. What should I do? I like the sweatshirt and I'm tired of A. bossing me around. I don't wear it in front of him and that should be good enough.

J--is it not possible for you to hide it? I love giving you these life lessons in womanhood because they will serve you well and someday you will pass them to your own daughters.

A woman doesn't ever have to tell a man what she is doing or has done with another man--or more precisely, another suitor. You can very nicely explain to him that although *HE* might have thrown away all traces of you when you were no longer dating, that as a woman he needs to understand that you have stronger sentimental attachments of the people and things that have brought you fond memories AND although you do respect him enough not to wear it in front of him, no, you don't feel comfortable throwing it away and you won't do it.

A. is testing you, as all men do. There are two lessons for you in this. Number one don't EVER again give him a gift that you would be heartbroken KNOWING that he threw away. From this point forward until he is your husband, the monetary value of your gifts should be less than you have ever done before. He didn't appreciate what you paid for, so you can bake him cookies, make him a home cooked meal, massage his shoulders if he's weary...but these are more gifts from your soul to him than from your wallet.

Secondarily, A. is asking you to prove yourself worthy of his love. Do not fall into this trap--if you do, he will know that he has you "wrapped around his finger" and without ever giving you a commitment, he can play with you at his whim. He is the one who needs to prove himself worthy of having you. You are the prize he needs to fight for and win...and the truth is that when a man competes for and conquers a woman, you are giving him a great gift as a testament of his manhood. Men fight wars for the favor of a woman. Allow him to do what is necessary to fight for you while you are ever aware that right now you are a single woman until he takes you off the market for the price that you set for having you.

What I would like you to note, is that as a general rule, you should always have secrets from a man. He must never know everything about you. He will become bored with you instead of fascinated of ever evolving and deepening love as you reveal parts of yourself over time...but never give him all of yourself. I would encourage you to remember this even though out your marriage. You should have money set aside for your own peace of mind and financial security that your husband knows nothing about. Men leave their wives all of the time...be smart enough to have a safe place to fall into should it ever arise. No one goes into a marriage thinking that it won't last forever, be cautiously optimistic but protect your assets and vulnerability as best as you can.

A hasn't proven himself worthy yet by asking you to be exclusive with him (this time around). You must continue to live your life as any single woman would without giving him any further thought, because you may never be exclusive with him again. It is always a man's choice, but a woman's prerogative to accept or reject what he is proposing or offering at any given time.

I am going to a party tonight and I told him I was going out with girlfriends--which is the truth--I'm not telling him about the college party. I honestly like where we are now. We're sort of together and sort of casual--it's a lot less stress plus he doesn't push for anything physically because I said "nothing outside of a committed relationship". There's a part of me that doesn't want him to ask me for a committed relationship; is that bad?

No sweetheart, but if you're not in a committed relationship, he doesn't get to ask you not to date other guys and he doesn't get to ask you to get rid of another guy's stuff. There's a little concept known as "lying for love". You keep your mouth shut about what you are doing with other men and the gifts they give to you. You don't tell him, and he doesn't go nuts over knowing. This is loving yourself, more than you love him. This is doing what feels right at the moment instead of worrying about how he would *FEEL* about what you're doing when he's not with you. Do you honestly think that A would buy you jewelry--KNOWING that you're still wearing another man's sweatshirt? Of course not, you lie to let him love you by showering you with all that you deserve. Personally, this was something that I learned late. I've always been an observer of both men and woman--I find their choices fascinating-- and I can remember being stunned when I was in my early twenties when a woman who I worked with, whom everyone KNEW was dating the boss showed up one Monday morning married to someone else. No one knew she was dating anyone else...she found a better deal than the one that she had dating the boss, and went for it. Do you think that anyone knew that she was secretly playing the field? Nope, she was a single woman handling her business--privately. Get it?

Yes I get it :) you're the coolest Fran; you give such great advice.

Again, this is part of a woman's mystery. You never let him see you in the bathroom, not even to brush your teeth; you hide your feminine hygiene products, never let him see your beauty routines..you keep that private. Let me tell you a story. I was once best friends with a woman who married a very wealthy man. She would NEVER let him see her cleaning the house, washing the dishes etc. She told me that she did it, just never in front of him...I allowed her to explain to me that her reasoning was that *IF* he didn't see her "behave in that way" then he didn't ever think of her in that way--it would never occur to him to treat her as if she were the maid. I said to her in that moment that she was saying something profound--and it was--profound enough for me to always remember it.

Yeah, that's pretty cool, I never thought of it like that.

You have to remember yourself to be a Goddess and not a common woman in front of a man. You are somehow always just a little out of reach. So few women behave this way today; that is what will set you apart. I would even suggest to you that you keep your future husband out of the delivery room when you give birth. I'm not sure that allowing him to see you bloody and open and perspiring and in pain is the way for a man to remember you. This is the most sacred part of you as a woman. Allow him to keep the fantasy of you as his greatest source of pleasure and not merely a mortal woman.

Have fun tonight; smile alot and hope to meet a potential date. Until A steps up, you're a single woman open to meeting a quality gentleman who will potentially take you off the market. And remember not to get too drunk--lol. You must remember you're a lady, and men will be watching you before they approach you. Do you remember that guy at the pool last summer and how long he watched you? We all noticed before you did--and all quality men will do that.

Yeah, ewwww, I remember him....

Ewwww isn't the point, it's not the men that we attract, it's the one's we choose to keep. I know that you're pretty wonderful about this, but always conduct yourself as if you are a walking piece of artwork...always on display for a man to admire and enjoy. That is the reason that men date you and eventually will make you his wife--for the mere pleasure of your company. Who you are as a woman, your fascination, is something that he can't attain for himself or by hanging around with other men. A man pays for the privilege of your presence and all that it entails. In every way that you can accentuate that difference, you should do so. Hold yourself to a higher "girly" standard...and there is a reason for that. On a see-saw of masculine and feminine energy the more masculine a man is, the more feminine a woman has to be to balance the energy--which in essence means that he needs to hold himself to higher standard to have you. There are men who are into woman who play softball and soccer and are more tom-boy than not. BUT those men choose those women because they know it takes so little effort for them to please her... give her a beer and a pair of blue jeans and it's "good enough" to win her. But she's also the one later on in her marriage that complains that her husband doesn't do enough around the house or in his job/profession. Of course not, she is the one who set her standards so low in allowing that little effort define her life. Had she from the beginning say "that's not a good enough offer" she wouldn't be in that position later by attracting and choosing him to begin with.

I'll keep that in mind--what should I wear tonight, there will be lacrosse players there--should I dress preppy?

You should dress sexy--but I'm smiling remembering how hot the lacrosse players were when I was in college and how much I liked them, too. Wrestlers and LAX....yummy men! You can always dress sexy to entice a man but remember to hold your virtue until a man earns you.

OK, because I saw this really cute top in the mall. It's black and loose fitting kind of tank-top style but it's cut short so my midriff shows and the back is just straight lace. It's kind of dark rocker chick--I don't know. I really liked it and thought I'd wear that with jeans and heels with make up and cute jewelry. What do you think? I'm alittle worried because they all dress preppy...

Wear it! You have nothing to loose--sexy is sexy. No man is going to like every look on every woman, but all you need is *a* man, the right man. And men appreciate different looks on women, so you should on occasion change your look. You can go from a dark and mysterious seductress to a light angelic look. Go for it and have fun tonight.