Soul Gifts

J. One more thing I forgot to mention yesterday. I don’t know if we’ve ever talked about receiving ‘soul gifts’ from a man, but we should.

You can always ask a man for things…to buy you a house, a piece of jewelry or a couch, but what you can’t ask him for are gifts from his soul…he must choose to give them to you when it’s appropriate for him and when he has mustered up the courage to do so. Soul gifts include asking him for anything that is more, better or different than what he offers you. Soul gifts are asking him for more time, space, a direct commitment or sex. IF you ask him for any of the above, you are in effect emasculating him and either treating him like a child and asking him to do what you want him to do or asking that he change his energy from his masculine hunter—to feminine energy by receiving masculine energy from you—‘I want’ is masculine, ‘I don’t want’ is feminine.

So for example, you cannot ask a man to spend more time with you—‘I know you want to go out with your friends Saturday night, but I’ve only seen you once this week’. You cannot ask a man to spend the night making love with you. You cannot ask a man to pick you to love. Masculine energy moves toward a woman, feminine energy receives from a man. If you move toward him, you block him from coming to you which is what every man needs to do to win a woman’s heart, attention and affection.

By asking a man for a soul gift, you have in effect told him that you are unhappy with him…what he has offered you isn’t enough…and a man will always gravitate toward a woman he KNOWS he can make happy and away from a woman he can’t. Eventually, because of the bitching you did over the little things will cause him give up trying and say to you that you deserve a better man than the one I can be for you. You will have broken his spirit. I believe this is part of the reason A. is angry with you right now and lashing out on facebook. He offered you his love when you were sitting on the couch, you asked him to make it more special. He told you that he loved you every day; he told you that if it weren’t for your rules, you would be together. His pressuring you for sex afterwards was his needing to conquer you. He needed to know that he could win you away from another man and that your loosening your resolve of your natural virtuous nature would be the proof he needed that you were his. Again, a man NEEDS to conquer, compete and control his world.

I know that you are angry with the woman he had relations with, but calling her a slut reflects poorly on you—not her. It’s displaced anger. And I absolutely realize that ‘girl code’ in a perfect world would have stopped her from doing what she did. It was A.’s choice to sleep with her and that is where your anger should be directed not some crazy Jerry Springer cat fight. You don’t have a relationship with her, she didn’t have to honor your friendship above her choosing to sleep with him…and truth be told, you don’t have the right to ask that of any woman.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that there was a time in my life when I would have chosen girl code honor and loyalty above any guy. I’m not sure that I feel that way any longer…why should I give up my chance for happiness and romantic love over a girlfriend? She won’t be the one keeping me warm at night, building a future with me, or holding my hand when I come out of surgery. A husband will do that, not a girlfriend. A. was no longer your boyfriend; he had every right to sleep with whomever he wanted.

But it is now your job to remain light, breezy and above the fray. As a woman who is available you should be out dating, but keeping your casual affairs private. It’s not any man’s business to see you with another man in a photo on your facebook page. It’s not another man’s business to see who you were talking to when or who the object of your affections are—even if they are friendship related or fleeting. It isn’t appropriate until you are engaged—then joyfully announce it to the entire world.

There is no saying on your status how much you love talking to or being with D. That will always be construed in a man’s mind that you are having a physical relationship with him. Every man feels in his gut that woman and men cannot be friends—every man feels that there is always sexual interest on the man’s part; he’s just waiting for the moment that she says yes. Your facebook status should show you in a happy, happy, joy, joy place without naming names or events. Part of a woman’s allure is a little mystery. Your status should reflect this by using verbiage such as ‘It was a wonderful day…right now, I couldn’t be happier’. ‘Summer is here, and all is right with the world’. ‘Sun, sand, wind, water, smiles…my soul is at peace’. Today was filled with lots of giggles, I’m still smiling as I write this’. That will keep A. wondering why you life is just fine without him in it. It keeps him questioning who you’re with and what you’re doing when you’re not with him and why you’re so damn happy.

I do want to jump back for a moment and discuss asking for commitment as a soul gift because I said that you cannot ask a man directly for a commitment even when you are ready for one. Typically relationships go through a series of phases within a year—the last 3 months are the commitment phase. It is at that point that a man has gone through his seeing you as perfect, the next three the chinks in your armor begin to show and you’re not as perfect but he loves your quirks and can accept you as human instead of a goddess, the next three month he begins to question whether or not you might be the right woman to commit to and the last three are the negotiation phase where you come down from the love cloud and really begin to negotiate your lives together. At that point he’ll begin to question with you how many children do you see yourself having, where you would live together, etc.

IF, however, you are ready to make a commitment to be engaged and he has not had this conversation with you, you simply tell him that you have loved spending the last year of your life loving him and that you dream of being his wife but that you will only stay for as long as you can without a commitment from him. Nothing will make you happier than being a wife and mother, but if he cannot make a lifelong commitment to you that you owe it to yourself to find a man that will make your dreams come true. You then give yourself a date that is in your mind (don’t tell him—that makes it an ultimatum) such as 6 months, your birthday, whatever…and if he hasn’t shown up with a marriage proposal, you end your relationship with him. You have given him enough time to figure out whether he wants to spend his life with you or not—and any question that is not answered with a yes, is a no—there is nothing else. There isn’t anything a man is ever going to learn about you in two years that he didn’t know in one—and if he says he’s not ready, great, thank him for his honesty and move on to a man who is. You thank him silently for not wasting any more of your time waiting for him. Your childbearing years and beauty of your youth is finite. Youth and beauty doesn’t last forever, Men will always chose a woman for her youth, vitality and beauty. It’s almost stunning how little brains matter when it is compared to a woman’s beauty and sexuality for a man. But it is the yin to his yang and the balance of energies. If a man wanted an intellectual conversation, he could find that in another man. What he needs a woman for is her softness, sensuality and sexuality—that is her allure that makes a man want to give up his God given freedom for the irreplaceably of choosing one, only one special woman to cherish, protect and provide for.