A Woman's Worth

Hi J.—ahhh we do weave tangled webs…there are two things I’d like to talk to you about today but both are related to recognizing your value as a woman. The first is related to N. I know how very attracted you are to him and how excited you were over the possibility of dating him…but he didn’t ask, and so, as of right now, he’s to be considered to be out of sight and out of mind. You must find a way to meet other men to stop you from either thinking about him or A.

You’ve spent a lot of your time texting back and forth with N. but here is what you need to realize…by giving of your time so freely, N. has in effect gotten to learn about you and has gotten your time and attention without paying for it—as in a date—a real date where he takes you out to a show or a meal—and pays for the privilege of your company, your smile and attention. Right now he has your attention without truly earning your affection. I know that the rumor mill is that he is a player—and by giving him your time freely, you have played into his hand. Players play because women allow that to happen—and you already know he has a cadre of women ready, willing and able to be his sexual partner without him ‘giving’ anything to them other than moments of attention-when that isn’t nearly anything close to a good enough offer—not for you, anyway.

Women with low self esteem, who haven’t been properly loved, will accept crumb offerings from men who they gladly throw themselves at for so little offered to them. Women of value and valor will pay attention to the man who is most actively pursuing her and working hard to be worthy of a place in her life. Right now, N. is officially a time-waster in your life. You should begin to give him less and less of your time—no more than 5 minutes of texting. If he wants more of your time, he can date you. I know that you’re disappointed that he hasn’t asked, but you’re saying that now you would agree not to date him but hang-out with him. That behavior is in every way, shape and form a lowering of your standards…why wouldn’t you be good enough to date? The answer is that you are, and being willing to accept ‘less’ from a man just to have his attention is not the way to have a man love you…you must REQUIRE more from him. A man will not give you more than you require of him—always remember that. Accepting less from a man as ‘good enough’ makes you a door mat—the kind of woman he could walk all over and use—but that does NOT make you the kind of woman he would want to love. The behavior of accepting less from him makes you as common as the other women that he’s sleeping with—they too accept less just to have moments of his company. To set yourself apart and behave different is really a gift to a man. Men NEED to compete, conquer and control—that is what makes a man FEEL like a man—to know that he had a challenge, rose up to meet it and defeated/conquered what he had set out to do. No man wants a dead beast who walked itself up and landed on his doorstep and died…yes, he may eat that meat, but there was not the challenge of his having worked for the kill, and no pride in having done so.

I know that you’ve said that you aren’t in love with N.; I didn’t say that you were. I’m asking you to recognize oxytocin bonding and how quickly a woman’s body reacts to a man’s pheromones *IF* he has the right biocompatibility to produce an immunologically healthy offspring with you. You get giddy, can’t think of anything else but him; excitement over the possibility of new love sends you to the moon…recognize it when it happens…it will happen to you for the rest of your life…

And that brings me to A. who I know you have loved for a long time. He’s an ass…O.K. a bastard…alpha males are. If you want an alpha male, that is part of what you are getting…deal with it, or date a lesser beta male who is softer and more pliable. The only way to tame an alpha male is to hold your feminine ‘don’t wants’ without wavering. You don’t want to be treated poorly or lied to; you don’t want him to play games with you; you don’t want a physical relationship without a committed relationship; you don’t want to be with a guy who doesn’t go to church with you on Sunday’s. You don’t want to have repeated arguments with him over these things… All that you can say to him is that you know that he is smarter than you are, that he can out-argue you every time and you don’t want to continue to do it…that’s just the way you feel, you won’t change your mind and you hope that he can understand your feelings on all of this. *IF* he is willing to accept your terms, than congratulations, you have just changed a mere man into a gentleman. If he chooses NOT to accept your terms for your relationship, wish him well, and release him back into the wild to find a woman with whom those things he wishes to remain in his life as status quo are a compatible match—and he has every right to find that better match. That woman will NOT be you, but believe sweetheart, that should you waiver on ANY of your relationship requirements, he will forever badger you about what HE wants from you because he will know forever more that with enough cajoling, and you will loosen your resolve and give into him.

I am NOT saying that you should have every one of your heart’s desires fulfilled by any man at every given moment. That’s neither realistic nor really what you would want from a partner. (Any man who says ‘yes dear’ to your every whim cannot garner your respect.) But the things that are non-negotiable to you—religion, physical relationship, commitment levels, illegal recreational activities etc. must be unwavering in your resolve. I.e. If you don’t date a guy who does drugs then you don’t fall in love with a guy who does drugs, you don’t marry a guy who does drugs and you don’t end up in a crappy marriage because if it. If you don’t date a guy who has lots of sexual partners, you don’t fall in a love with a guy who has had lots of sexual partners, you don’t end up with an STD that you didn’t have before he entered your life. Be mindful in your choices, have your non-negotiable clearly thought out and tread lightly in the dating world. It is only your promises to yourself that you keep that sets you apart from every other girl in the world-- while always remembering that it is your vulnerability to allow yourself to be loved by a man who is worthy of you that will always make you the most lovable. Remember always you are the prize to be won; but only after a man (by actions) proved himself worthy of having you.