Numb

One of my mentors (Pat Allen) says that unless you need to call a police officer because your partner has done something illegal; call a lawyer because of some unethical practice (which affects your things) or call a doctor because of something immoral (that affects your body) you should stay in a relationship; period. In fact, the ideal is to commit to the relationship instead of the person—because on both of your worst days, neither of you is worth being married to. She says that I must remember that if my partner is 51% valuable in my life—my life is better with him than without him on the worse day together, I should stay in the relationship. This is one of her core tenants.

Recently, I’ve begun thinking about another…that in peeled back layers of an examined life could I choose to be loved instead of being right? Could I be vulnerable enough to forgive a wrong that I believe fell into one of the categories of the above mentioned three unholy acts?

Pat says that if a man leaves and comes back to you after eight weeks you begin your relationship from the beginning, with a brand new track record of creating trustworthiness. Could I rebuild a relationship and act as if he hadn’t hurt me? Would have the courage to allow him to approach me and a relationship anew? Could I control my anger enough not to bitch slap him verbally or act out? I know that the real feeling underneath anger is hurt… Could I love him and not protect myself from being hurt so deeply by pushing him away if he approached me the second time around?

This moment of questioning is not truly about dating this one person per se but an outlook examining my part in this and my pain I would could only examine the incident from my viewpoint—being very much an alpha female and working hard to tame half and half of the masculine energy that resides in me. I question the feminine soul that lives in my heart; the woman that I am at my core knows to be feminine is to be receptive and appreciative and learn to give a man the benefit of the doubt. Could I be controlling enough of my own behavior to be available and respectful to a man that who hurt me? Could I accept fully that the man who stands before me today as one who should not be judged for the behavior he did a year ago?

I don't believe that this is an exercise in futility...as always, I am an ever self aware, evolving woman and questioning where it is appropriate or not to "draw a line in the sand". He has not made any attempt to contact me or come back into my life, but I’m questioning my ability to be vulnerable—THAT vulnerable to a man that might still hold a place in my heart verses not allowing him to be close enough to hurt me again.

Could I look past what was in my case it was a very public humiliation because he thought I had behaved in a way to purposely hurt him. There were huge crossed signals between us; how we interacted and perceived each other. I realize that the playful, sexual, come hither flirtations I promulgated upon him would not elicit the response that I wanted from him—to be noticed, to cared for and be under his protection. I understood my part and backed away wondering if he would chase; he did not. I had emasculated him and that triggered his wrath against me. He thought I was rejecting him; I thought he was asking for me sex and nothing else. It was inappropriate; it was over the top lashing out--however, I also believe on some level he had to hurt me as deeply and personally as he did in order to keep his tribe intact.

He was the alpha male and couldn't risk my having rejected him in front of the tribe...what I feel is his unethical behavior didn’t come about in a vacuum. I take responsibility for that because -- in his eyes -- I had disrespected him in front of his followers. The hard smack down was a normal, natural choice for a coarse man in a coarse land. The difference was at that time I would have never told anyone what transpired. I have since then and I don’t feel badly about it.

The feminine energy. Yin, as the Oriental’s call it. To choose to be living each moment in authentic femininity. Choosing to live within Yin-dom; it is an ever evolving process for me...you shed one layer and then there is another and one beneath that to be shed in its own time…

I just recently read about Pat telling someone to stop being nice. Is it not innately girly to play nice? It is sort of shocking when you think about it, as we're trying so hard to tame our "just below the surface" bitchiness. Alpha…coiled up, hissing, ready to strike or strike back.

Stop being nice. The incident Pat described was one in which a woman was doing some online dating and the person who showed up didn't look like their picture...Pat told her that she should have told him that although I appreciate your wanting to take the time to come and meet me, I feel that who you misrepresented yourself and I don't feel comfortable staying and then leave.

Would I feel THAT uncomfortable? Could I have the courage to do that? Could I be so in touch with my own discomfort that all social niceties could be that easily swept away leaving the barest of “ I feel xyz” and then to act only on those feelings? I understand this, I do. Pat using it an example of teaching a boundary; he had used the essence of the game of bait and switch. The lesson is having the courage to say I won’t allow you to take advantage of my time merely because you got me to come to meet you. I don’t owe you the gift my attention when you in essence lied to get me here. Bitchy…and men like it.

Walking On Water

Water; the elixir of the life force within us. How I’m drawn to the sound of it rippling, cool the feel of it’s movement between my fingers and on my feet. When it’s warm, I’m surrounded, surrendered. When it’s cool, it’s a comforting respite… the pushing and pulling of it’s force against me…the rushing of standing under a waterfall and feeling it barreling down on my skin.

Water; what I’ve gained from the experience of having given up all else.

Nineteen days, that’s my number. I’ve gone 19 days without food—just water. (Take that Bear Grylls!) Distilled, non-chlorinated spring water housed from the source in glass containers. Distilled water is the cleanest water that is available to me. Maybe if I were closer to a glacier I might find some with more purity.

During a fast, I drink between 8-12 glasses of water per day--but no more. My goal that fast was to attain 21 days food free days, but I threw off my electrolytes and had to begin re-feeding. My doctor had to immediate open up an IV bag and have me
s-l-o-w-l-y drink the liquid—it unexpectedly tasted like a combination of Tang and pickle juice.

I have my reasons for doing it. Fasting clears out all of the endogenous waste within the cellular walls of your body. Toxins are stored in your fat--the closer you are to minimal percentages of body fat the healthier you are. Fasting "cleans" you as quickly as possible.

Secondarily, by shutting down one of the body processes (digestion) your body amps up the other processes (i.e. the healing mechanisms). My doctor likens this to having all of the faucets in your house open at one time and less water pressure in all of them. If you shut off one faucet, the pressure works better in the rest of them.

Every time I’ve fasted, the experience has been slightly different. Every time I've ever fasted I've had symptoms of nausea and/or vomiting, and diarrhea. If you're not having any food in your system, you still have bowel evacuations because the lining in your stomach is still dying and cells are turning over. However, your bowel evacuations happen every couple of days.

Without solid food it's mostly water in, water out. The headaches, vomiting etc. are all a result of detoxification going on inside of your body. The worst day for me is always day two through day three—the 48 to 72 hour mark. That's my "I'm starving" day.

Once I pass that, the rest is comparatively easy. Yes, your tongue gets coated from the detoxification in your body and distilled water starts tasting horrible. I don’t usually have headaches, but I do know people that do from the detoxification of things they are allergic to or other foods they are eating like caffeinated products. Rapid heartbeat, and upon standing up everything goes dark for a few seconds, lots of sleep after a week or so, I get really cold...sometimes I've had a "healing crisis" and pain, other times I have not, weakness is part of the process. I’m not going to lie…it's not pleasurable to go through but what I get at the end of it is very much worth it.

The fast gives you back the energy in your body like you're 13 again; you know what real food tastes like. Can you remember being a kid and how intense flavors were? After a fast, the taste of oranges and grapefruit practically ring with intensity and any amount of sugar, salt or processed food (i.e. preservatives) in food is horrible tasting and you'll spit it out.

I had someone ask me if I’ve had the experience of relief from life’s worries or emotions during the “physiological rest”. I’ve never had what they called "more emotional balance" during or after a fast. But interestingly enough I did recently read a book on food addictions since a few weeks ago after I had listening to a psychologist on a podcast talk about people who crave wheat/carbs/sugar have a rarer N1 dopamine receptor in the brain and it basically has them drugged daily. By removing the wheat/carbohydrates/sugar changes their brain chemistry to a place where they are calmer and more emotionally balanced--and that takes 12-18 months of complete abstinence. I don’t know if I could do that. I tried once for about 10 days at which point I began craving foods that I had never eaten before—maybe it was the detoxifying; if I would have stayed the course longer, it would have dissipated.

OK, it would be a lie to say that I couldn’t do it, I just choose not to. I DO love pizza and it's practically impossible for me to give up a sesame bagel with light vegetable cream cheese on a Sunday morning…yummy.

But having said that, it is interesting to think about body types differently for just a moment. My doctor has actually called me "genetically superior" for having the genetics to easily store weight. Think about that. My ancestors went through frozen terrain most of the year...no food to be foraged, little if anything to be killed. Were it not for the fact that my family had enough reserves on their body to get us through the 'lean" times, we would have died out many generations ago. So I've been "blessed" with a body that gains weight easily and has bigger boobs than not (again, enough fat reserves to produce enough milk to feed an infant); is chemically sensitive so (would have stayed away from slightest bits of toxins such as those found in almond skins and garlic), has a naturally slow heartbeat--(burning calories at a slower rate to "conserve" life) and stayed healthy while "lesser" human subjects would have died off under similar circumstances. It's an interesting perspective...

But what I equally get out of fasting is the mastery of having done it. It's an amazing process of really understanding your baser animal self. Things that normally don't bother you as a scent, suddenly do--your sense of smell becomes animal-like because you haven't eaten. You can smell someone breaking lettuce downstairs...the smell of grapes from the next house if your windows are open...and once you begin to eat again food the taste of raw food is as intense as when you were little. It sounds difficult, but, truth be told, all you have to do is to put one foot in front of the other to make it happen. Big deal--two or three weeks without food--it's not all that hard.

Here in America with rare exception don't have the experience of knowing what it's like not to have food, a two week water fast gives you an appreciation outside of yourself for world hunger; what the Jews went through during WWII, famines in Africa, and although I'm not all that much of a tree hugger type, there is a perspective of dietary change positively affecting the world globally. There are even parts of oriental teachings that say that eating less leaves food for someone else who is hungry.

The fasting experience and the intense flavor of natural foods afterward will give you a better appreciation for the food that you do eat and learning that your body is a filter; you will always get out of it what you put into it. Spring is coming and I'm feeling a pull towards a cleansing and rebirth.

Walking Through Fire

I was thinking about the previous blog that I had made about spirituality and metaphysics. I remembered an experience I had doing a fire walk that I wanted to share. I didn’t have any intention of doing a fire walk, I didn’t even know it was on the menu of things I was supposed to do that weekend…but this is how it happened. My girlfriend Georgia called me to tell me about an event that was happening this coming weekend—it was $600.00 bucks and it was going to change my life—here’s the number, I have to run—buh-bye.

I kind of like the “go with the flow”, so I thought $600.00 bucks to change my life—I’m in. So I packed, picked up my mail, had a French manicure, French pedicure and off I went. I had a couple of hours before the event started so I went through my mail—including getting the packet for the weekend I had just embarked on. I opened it up, read the program and I saw “fire walk”.

My instant response was "I’m not doing that"…I just had a $35 dollar pedicure and I need to be in a pair of high heels Monday night for a meeting…and off I went. The conference started and some guy sat down next to me… They that the fire walk was at the beginning of the conference—first night—not at the end after having had a full weekend of “enlightenment”. He kept annoying me and pointing at me telling me that I was “walking” and I told him that "I didn’t think so"….more annoyance until finally I said to him, "what do you do for a living?" …I was pretty sure he was going to tell me he was a used car salesman…he turned out to be a nurse…I asked him "LPN or RN?" RN—right answer--I told him "he wasn’t going anywhere without me".

We’re taken outside in the cold November air to see pyre after pyre of 15 feet tall burning wood and coal. Billowing embers of burnt bits cascade and blow through air…I was worried that my hair would catch on fire just standing there; I’ll admit it, I’m scared. We went back inside for hours more of “life will never be the same” indoctrination and at 2 a.m. on Saturday morning, head back outside for the fire walk. Everyone takes off their shoes in honor of those that chose to find the courage inside of themselves to walk across 25 feet of red burning coals. We form lines; I push my buddy to go ahead of me and he does.

He does his fire walk and I’m still not sure that I’m walking that walk as I stand at the head of the line and then he and I lock eyes from 30 feet away--he on one side of the coals, me on the other. I had an instant focused moment of clarity…I asked myself if walking across the coals would mean that I could have saved my mother’s life by doing it, would I? And in that moment, I knew that my answer was yes, and I knew I was walking. I stepped onto the coals never removing my eyes from his—in the dark they were more yellow than any other color I could describe-- hypnotic yellow. I was about half way across the coals when the reality of what I was doing begin to sink in and I asked myself, what are you feeling? Warm, cozy warmth, not hot.

The next thing that I remembered was someone with a water hose spraying my feet and telling me to raise my arms over my head and jump with joy, that I had done it. I looked down at the water being sprayed onto my feet and when I looked up, he was gone. I looked for him for the rest of the weekend, but I didn’t find him.

I often say that people come into your life for a reason; sometimes the reason is for you, sometimes the reason is for them.

My mom worked in a hospital emergency room and by some intervention in a room full of 3000 people, somehow a guy who was a nurse showed up when my answer was "no". I’ve often wondered if I would have done it if would have told me he was an LPN. Would have had the same courage to go through with it? The answer is that I don't know.

My first real estate mentor taught me to force myself to do things that I didn’t want to do, and to force myself to do things that I was afraid of so that when a deal came across my desk with lots of zeros to the left of the decimal point I could handle them. So my fellow investors, MY pals would bungee jump, swim with sharks, and run joyfully toward life’s little craziness to build some stress tolerance and self mastery muscle. Cortisol and dopamine...

I wondered why I was meant to experience that, why I thought of my mother in that moment. ...

Little birds get pushed out of the nests whether they are ready to or not by their mothers in an ultimate act of faith that if called upon that their children can do anything…including soar.

She Told Me That She Had Lost Respect For Me....

Honey--please understand that you did NOTHING to have her loose respect for you. I fully understand that a man’s identity is defined by his work…and you are working every day towards being the man you not only want to be, but need to be. By virtue of your being her husband she is supposed to respect you. Respect, appreciate and admire. IF YOU don't get that from her, YOU are the one not having your needs met. Can you see it from this perspective? YOU didn't go out and get drunk, you didn't have affairs, you didn't kiss anyone, and you did not dump on your marriage. This is why I asked you to ask yourself what can you live with, what can't you live without? (Obviously, TODAY you can live with her having an emotional affair, but can you live without her NOT respecting that you are doing everything you can to improve your financial situation? Can you live without her giving herself heart, body and soul to you completely? ) You need to ask yourself these questions...

I understand where you're coming from having spent 10 years with this woman BUT she has just proven herself to be untrustworthy. And I’m advising you the same way I would advise my own family member to start over--but watch her very carefully. Commit to the relationship because right now you’re are starting from zero all over again...any trust you had in her is gone and rebuilding that is going to happen over time. I wouldn't ever say that a person doesn't deserve a second chance---but not a third.

You asked about the fantasy journaling; women may very well be more embarrassed than not telling you verbally what their fantasies are...but leave her alone with her journal, and in her own time she will open up a world of desire that you didn't even know existed in her. A few weeks ago I read "The Kosher Sutra". What I found fascinating was there was actually another man--besides Chris Rock--who KNOWS that a woman is far more sexual than a man...that her fantasies are far more vivid, far more giving of herself, far more adventurous in wanting to explore both of you than you could ever give her have imagined...

Since you are still looking for romantic gestures, I’ve thought about naming a star after her and going to the planetarium to find it...having black and white photographs done of the two of you together—hugging, kissing each other wrapped up just in a plain white sheet. Having rings engraved with a saying that means something to you both (the same ring--different sizes), make up a scrap book or object of memories of your life together. I have a tall footed cylinder vase with a top on it. (They are readily available everywhere-- you can buy them where you buy kitchen gadgets or even craft stores) that I keep what I call my sea treasures in. It’s not shaped like a treasure chest but in it I have all sorts of things that you might find in a treasure chest--as I LOVE the beach.

Instead of ending up with drawers full of faded tee-shirts, whenever I travel I try to bring something back that could go into the treasure chest—that way all of my mementoes are in one place. Among others, I have mardi gras beads that look like different sized pearls placed in gold colored sparkling sand, different sized coins that look like Spanish pieces-of eight in both gold and silver, sea shells and star fishes made of pretty art glass, paperweights that look like gemstones, a three inch gold alligator I bought in Florida, a necklace that looks like a running string of skulls and crossbones, and about a half dozen 1/2 inch carved amethyst fish--things that I’ve collected over a period of time and different vacations that I’ve bought go into the "treasure chest". It looks beautiful and everyone loves to ooh and ahh over those things all put together.

Do you have some things that she collects or memories of your time together? You can put them all together in a memory box of some sort to be displayed. You can also do an ongoing “love jar” filled with bits of paper...everyday write one thing that you love or appreciate about her and leave it in a jar...when she's not feeling particularly romanticized by you she can pull them out as she needs to and know that she is loved for who she is....but again, these are the kinds of things that would matter to me--she may have whole different set of things she likes and I feel you should ask her....

Obviously, I very much like the sensual. I like dancing so I might take a stripper's dance class--I took belly dancing lessons for lots of years--so that is in my repertoire. Emily likes naked yoga--and that is something you two could do together. I presumed since the two of you are married that there would be enough comfort with your bodies in front of each other that this wouldn't be an issue if you have a private yoga lesson. A nice warm bath afterwards soothing sore muscles could be a plus. One of my favorite books when I was doing Iyengar yoga years ago was a book of couple’s yoga--the pushing, pulling, stretching and connection are sexy... It's probably long out of print but if you can find it, it's called "Double Yoga" by Ganga White--and yes, they are clothed in it just in case you aren’t quite ready going natural.

Again, for me, I love the sensual so anything that titillates my senses in one way or another is romantic for me. New sights, new sounds, new touch--(think soft; silk, mink). (I’m blushing telling you this, but I've been naked in a mink coat.) New exotic smells, new experiences. Men don't typically like museums but women do so I might find something she might be interested in and spend a day learning...does she have an interest in cooking? You might take a class together. Kneed and bake bread together; make it playful--toss flour at her, squish the dough through her fingers...and always share what you've cooked; here's what I mean.

I once had dinner with a guy who was not a romantic interest but we knew each other as friends--neither of us were particularly hungry so we shared dinner together off of one plate. There we were in this nice restaurant in San Francisco overlooking the bridge, dimmed lights and eating off of one plate and I had to stop myself all night long from wanting to kiss him. There was something so primal about his sharing of HIS food, HIS plate with me and at that time I was a even a vegan vegetarian…we had meat and I joyfully ate it…primal, torn, fleshy meat, killed, cooked, shared…that moment was something that I have never forgotten and would love the experience of doing again.

And since you know that I love the science behind love and attraction, I’ll give you another reason for doing this...the testosterone that fuels both of your sex drives is found heavily in saliva....if she happens to get some of the juices from your mouth into hers by sharing the food, chances are pretty good that (fill in the blank.....wink).

I've had hot air balloon rides at dawn (cold)--but dusk is equally romantic with a champagne picnic afterwards--fruit, nuts, cheeses. If champagne isn't in the budget a lovely braqueto d’asti with chocolate, strawberries or raspberries. Moscato d'asti is good with cheeses, grapes crusty breads, pate. (Dessert wine is delish IF she's not going to rehab--lol.) Of course make the chocolates good chocolates (I ordered some Godiva yesterday so my mind is going there). Make her lingerie made of silk not some cheap polyester with lace that is so stiff it hurts...if you can afford it, French or Italian lingerie are to die for…but most of all, make it all fun.

In the meantime, something low budget I would suggest that the two of you share religious experiences together...go to whatever church the two of you belong to...again, sharing the experience is what is important to keep the glue between you. Spirituality is far more important to woman as a general rule then it is for men--and that is why--at least in my religion it is the woman who is responsible for her child's religious upbringing...not her husband...she might pick up some family values as a bonus... find a place where you both feel comfortable....it is one of the ways couples bond--through the shared experience of a higher reason for their being together.

Did you get married through a religious or civil ceremony? I know you aren't feeling like this is an example of romance, but it is--the marriages that I know of that are incredibly strong are ones that have this shared religious experience. I’m not even saying that you need to be of the same religion, but being together in a place of holiness binds your souls to one another--you and her standing before God and your community as a couple. I would not discount this out as a romantic experience to be shared...as she may have very few "married women" role models...but watching the other women be a part of a community with their husbands at their sides might be something that she is willing to emulate. Hold her hand through the service; you will feel connected.

I'm a big believer of marriage should entered in to from the perspective of choice-- "I choose you to be my lover every day for the rest of my life”. What I feel are great ideas may not rock her or her levels of love, lust or sensuality. I’m also a big believer that lust and sensuality is a two way street. Be mindful of that. She doesn't get to sit back and not bring anything to the table because you will feel exhausted for having over-given and gotten little to nothing in return--I just don't know what HER level of motivation is right now.

Emotional Affairs and Fear of Flying

As it turns out, the guy asking for my advice on how to be more romantic had a hidden agenda. He found out his wife has been having an emotional affair that progressed to kissing with a guy at work for the last three weeks and her levels of secrecy and drinking both have increased…his wanting to woo her to get her back began with her complaint as for an explanation of her attraction…her man at home isn’t paying enough attention to the romance that she feels she needs.

She’s packed her things to stay at her mother’s for a couple of weeks while she thinks things out…my advice to him is otherwise. When he asked, I told him that I thought the only options are counseling or change the locks--her choice...She needs to see who she's been, take responsibility for the hurt she caused or move on to a life with a man who deserves her (wink). This is not your fault. Even if you THINK you could have been more attentive she didn't tell u she needed that from you. She abandoned this relationship, not you. She doesn't have the right to be pulling any crap about how things are going to change and what time frame--sorry. But she doesn't. Do not back down on this and big claps for taking my advice, “manning up” to go talk to the guy. I knew she wouldn't be happy—tough--and that's why I told you to do it. I'd also be complaining to her about buying him the gift of an iPod--how dare she take money from YOUR HOUSEHOLD to buy a gift for another man? Find a way to ask for it back--you may not get it, but she needs to be taught there are consequences to her actions...She doesn't get to complain about your not having enough money and then spending it elsewhere. If she's still out of the house by tomorrow night tell her you're changing the locks by this weekend so she needs to take whatever else she needs out by then and you’re seeing an attorney--and seriously make an appointment. She doesn't get to pull the strings in your life. If you don't protect yourself right now, you're going to come home to a house without furniture and wiped out bank accounts...

Whether or not the two of you can get past this, I don’t know…I also know that’s not what you want to hear, but it all depends on whether both of you want to move past this or not--truthfully if she's drinking, she's not in her right mind and can't make a right decision. Women drink to numb their feelings—they are tired of the rumination of feeling and feeling and feeling. Men drink to wipe out their thinking and get to their feelings. But you can't wait for her to figure out if she wants to be with your or not and BEGIN to build a trustworthy track record again...she's continuing her UNTRUSTWORTHY track record and you have to not stand for waiting her out. Truthfully, I have such little tolerance for this kind of crap (and OK I'll admit that when you punch me I'm going find a way to punch you back) that I would probably send her a text saying that I was heading over to TJ MAXX or Wal-Mart or some other low budget place and ask how many suitcases did she think she would need you to buy to pack up all of her stuff, because this is a home, not a prison and if she doesn't want to be here every day for the rest of her life, you'll be available on Friday night from 7-10 to help you pack your stuff and leave...

I know that you’ve been with her for 10 years and thought you would be forever, but this is an opportunity for you to decide what you want and whether or not it’s O.K. for her to fly. This is what I would suggest— that you ask yourself what it is that you can live with and what is it that you can’t. Meaning that can you live with her now, knowing that she’s pulled some crap on the sanctity of your marriage? And is it that you cannot live without her respecting, admiring or appreciating everything that you do for her as her husband? What are your deal breakers? If she sleeps with him can you take her back? You must make sure that want you want to give to your partner is valued by them—if not, she doesn’t appreciate or respect you. What is it that you want to give—( joyfully), what is it that you want to receive ungrudgingly, joyfully, happily from your partner? If you love to surprise women and she hates surprises, both of you will end up unhappy—you for having not loved her ‘correctly’ and her being frustrated that you should know by now that she ‘hates’ that. Do you love a home cooked meal and she hates to cook? You’re not going to get what you want; does that make it a deal breaker? Do you give her the gift of a weekly nice clean car and that isn’t one of the things that is top priority on her “to do” list? That makes you undervalued in her eyes as a mate…you asked for my help, so this is the time for you to decide if you really want her back or you would rather move on to a mate who finds the way that you need to love meaningful to her.

Fear of Flying (part one)

My brother called me last night with surgery scheduled for him over the next couple of weeks to tell me of his final wishes should anything go wrong. I don’t have a problem with that or at least I didn't until he told me what he wanted done—which is called a Tibetan Sky burial— and his reasons for wanting it. My brother, a certifiable bad ass who trains with special ops forces, who’s been involved in martial arts since he was 9 or 10. (I still have the pictures of him in his first Gi, white belt and all.) My brother who has trained with guys who aren’t allowed into this country, who heads off to places without a way to contact him, has black belts in things I’ve never heard of, is apparently afraid of heights. He wants his remains soaring in the belly's of birds so that in his next life he isn’t afraid of heights...next life? wtf?

When I was 31, my mother died. She was my best friend and I really didn’t know how to deal with death or dying. I have a lot of shame about my behavior at that time. All that she wanted was to be with me; she told me that all that she wanted was to see my face. All that I wanted was to bury myself into work so that I didn’t feel the pain. She died without friends or family in a hospital bed at 3:30 in the morning—the anniversary was just 2 days ago. If it happened today, it would have been a different experience for her. I didn’t know how to do “death” better than I did back then. It was easier when my father died. Easier, because I know so much about medicine and I was able to ask the right questions to get the right answers. Easier, because I was older and had been through death before. Easier, because I knew I had done everything that could be done. Easier, because I opened the refrigerator and looked at the morphine and asked myself what i was saving it for. Easier, because he was home and I was there and I was able to say to him “dad, open your mouth, this is for pain” and he did. Twenty minutes later, he was gone. Anyone with half a brain can put 2 + 2 together and figure out why hospice care tells you repeatedly not to call an ambulance, not to call the police, not to call the hospital. You’re told over and over to only call the hospice physician because I believe that IF someone were to do an autopsy they would know that the death was caused by the medication and not the cancer itself. My mother worked in a hospital emergency room. One of her favorite expressions was that doctors buried their mistakes. They also take the high road of humanity—the act of being humane.

So this morning I went online to find out about the sky burial...here you have it...

Sky burial or ritual dissection was once a common practice in Tibet. A human corpse is cut into small pieces and placed on a mountaintop, exposing it to the elements and animals – especially to birds of prey. In one account, the leading mok cut off the limbs and hacked the body to pieces, handing each part to his assistants, who used rocks to pound the flesh and bones together to a pulp, which they mixed with tsampa (barley flour with tea and yak butter or milk) before the vultures were summoned to eat.

In several accounts, the flesh was stripped from the bones and given to vultures without further preparation; the bones then were broken up with sledgehammers, and usually mixed with tsampa before being given to the vultures. In another account, vultures were given the whole body. When only the bones remained, they were broken up with mallets, ground with tsampa, and given to crows and hawks that had waited until the vultures had departed.
More google research asked about how does one go about doing this in the U.S.?

Can you have a sky burial? In America, no. I remember a friend talking about how he’d love to be sky buried and even in places like Indian Reservations they don’t allow it anymore. And shipping a body out of the country is nearly impossible unless you have real good reason (i.e., someone from another country dies here will usually be sent back home, but only after a lot of things are done to them in order to protect people from diseases, and that basically would negate a sky burial.)
People have chosen me to carry out their wishes or do things because of my high level of ethics and integrity. I told him that I would do this, but it is not possible…I don’t think I’ll tell him prior to surgery… he doesn’t need to know that I need him here with me more than that.

Alpha Females

I heard one of my mentors today in a podcast discussing alpha females and say that she was trying to teach lady-like behavior to women who could be killers. I've been laughing my ass off all day long over that line; I was polishing my nails as I listened. She's right. Knowing what I know about how alpha's are equally both male and female, knowing who I am in that if someone throws a figurative punch, I don't hesitate to throw one back...knowing that I wouldn't have taken an NRA course and gotten a gun permit if I didn't have the courage to shoot to kill; knowing that if it came down to me or them; it's going to be me and at the same time knowing that my real wish is that I didn't have to...how at my core I loved being a woman and being soft in the right man's presence. How much I loving feeling protected and provided for...I was born in the wrong period of time...it should have been coach covers and double barrelled pistols, long dresses, gloves and the gentility of when a father gave the safety of his daughter (after his long contemplation) to the care of another man...

I wrote to a kindred-spirited feral female telling her that I thought this was the funniest line I've ever heard Pat say and her response to me was that not only could we be killers, but we want killers! I've thought about it, she's right. Her husband packs heat every time they go out...he believes it is his duty to protect her; that we don't live in a society that is civilized enough to let down your guard for a moment...a Southern man born and bred who fervently says that just because the South lost the War, doesn't mean I've changed my mind...he's interesting...

I've thought about my other female friends who chose the same types of mates. One had a child with a man who had distantly related aristocratic bloodline who says collectively of his family "they had a penchant for torture and impeccable table manners". I thought about how I've had to train myself to respect a man's power and step back a bit out of the light when he brings out those levels of feminity in me. How during a date I have learned to have my back to the room and allow him to view oncoming threats. Bed position is harder. I once read that a man's natural instinct is to sleep closest to the door to protect his family. It feels more natural for me to sleep on the left side of the bed. It feels submissive to allow my potential husband to sleep to my right--with me closer to his heartbeat, turning toward him in that direction, and presuming that he is righthanded, allowing him his dominant hand to touch me.

Maybe it's my choices of entertainment--the warrior spirit of the pugilistic arts, MI-5, decoded...maybe it all started with Honey West when I was little....maybe it's my secret wish to go to law school; maybe it's what I do for a living; maybe it is the spirit of the Hindu Goddess mother Durga that lives in a carved Balinese statue in my living room. Durga in Sanskrit means a fort, or a place which is difficult to overrun. Another meaning which literally translates into "the one who eliminates sufferings". Durga protects her devotees from the evils of the world and at the same time removes their miseries. A lofty goal.

I found the statue in an antique store and thought about it for a year. One day I woke up and thought that if it was still there, I was going to buy it...and I did. I'm not Hindu, but for those that are, they are frequently surprised to see it in my home and often ask me why I have it. I don't know the answer to that, but I knew it was meant to be mine. I had someone once ask me if it had been prayed over, because if it had been, it needed to be returned to a temple. I asked him how I would know, he told me I would feel it....I couldn't....

An alpha male--smarter than I am; stronger than I am--a better man than I am. It's what I need and nothing else will do....multi-faceted--part diamond, part coal. He has to have enough "street" in him to keep me warm, safe and protected and enough gentleman to know when it's appropriate to have which part of him show up when...I just wish it would be sooner than later....

Keeping Promises Made

Long story short to avoid “eff reading all that” - Been with wife for over 10 years, married for about 4. She's been feeling devoid of comfort and romance and me being a "good husband." I have never cheated on her and am very nice to her. It's something else. She wants effort, romance and some intangible stuff that does not come as second nature to me. I agree that I need to make these improvements and am really want to do right by her. Things I know I can do more: buy her flowers more often, plan things together more, cook for her more, clean up the house more. She is a neat freak and I always think that I have upped my game considerably and I am more clean then almost everyone I know around the house but am willing to take even more initiative to meet her standards. So lay it on me, explain to a romantic idiot the things that a woman needs and how to accomplish them. I will be taking notes and will report back - this is not a quick fix. And I know, if you have to ask, it's already too late, I'm a huge pussy, and I should end it now with a fine piece from XYZ’s collection (not). Thanks in advance for your comments.

Here's what a woman wants--nut shelled--she wants to FEEL cherished, protected and provided for.You cherish her when after a long day you tell her you’re the one doing the cooking, cleaning and taking care of her. This is her time off because you want to SHOW HER that you appreciate how hard SHE WORKS.Cook or take her out for her favorite meal, take her shoes off, massage her feet. Draw a bubble bath for her and bathe her. Shut off the lights, light candles and slow dance with her barefoot in the living room. LISTEN to her bitch or complain about something and here's the important part DO NOT TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM FOR HER unless she asks.

Men don't understand this, but a woman needs to verbally get it all out and all we really want is someone to listen--not to give advice, not to handle it for her--but just to listen--and no matter how much she needs to verbally get it out--no matter how many times she needs to "talk about it", just hold the garbage bucket in front of her and let her talk/toss it out until she’s done....She'll FEEL so much better and thank you for just being there.

Two more hints to a woman's heart. If you can afford it--take her on a one, two, three, surprise...we're taking one suitcase, we're leaving in 2 hours, going away for 3 days--all appointments cancelled. Have the kids taken care of; have your stuff already packed so you can help her do a grab-n-go. Not only will she love you for doing that, it will re-electrify the air with excitement of romance, sex and possibility....if you can throw in something adventurous that she's never done before like zip line through the jungles of Costa Rica--all the better...horseback ride on the beach...couples massages....

Have different kinds of sex with her--try tantric sex--where she sits straddling you, with you inside of her...you stare into each other's eyes without saying a word, you breath diametrically opposed breath--she breaths in, you breath out. delay your orgasm--this is about physical connection.Begin a fantasy journal with each other--you both write in it--you leave it in a place where you both can read it--you both write--you surprise each other with the fantasy--you write your feelings about the experience in the journal and whether or not you'd like do it again. Make it a nice leather bound book--make the book a gift...

Let me bottom line this, she's feeling bored and unappreciated--show her that you care by wooing her over and over--that's what she wants from you--the feeling that she had when your love was new--date her, seduce her with different experiences than she's having...If you normally have sex in the bedroom, have it somewhere else--ravage her with desire, take her out to a bar and role play that you don't know each other--watch other men come on to her and buy her drinks before you sweep in to seduce her--and get frisky in the car. While she's out spend a day re-doing the bedroom--buy new curtains, pillows, candles--spend the day washing ironing and putting them up so they don't have that awful new fabric smell. Keep the door to your bedroom closed until you can seduce her with the surprise of the change....Try a girly romantic look if she likes that or an Arabian nights theme with hot pinks or oranges and reds...feed each other with finger food on golden plates--right in the middle of the bed....light candles...share ONE GLASS of wine...raise the glass to her lips and let her drink while you stare at her...or "candy kiss" her with wine...Do you know what i mean? Put the wine in your mouth and as you kiss her transfer the wine from your mouth into hers.....listen to belly dancing music...be sensual...and what I mean by that is to use all five senses to seduce her...touch, sound, sight, smell and taste--she's wants the whole experience...and lucky you, she's asking YOU and not going out to find it in another man...In advance, you're welcome....

Oh, and by the way, while the seduction process is going on, it would be great if you used as few words as possible--let me give you the biological reasons to do so....you've heard of left-brained and right-brained dominance, correct? THINKING is left brained, FEELING is right brained...so if she's thinking about what you're saying to her, she's not FEELING what you're trying to accomplish....music is background and once you're heart's get pumping, she won't hear it anyway.....try to spend an hour looking at her, smiling at her, touching her, feeding her but not talking to her--trust me, she'll feel more connected than any words you could possibly say to her....

(my heartfelt responses were:)

1. I think R answered everything.

2. Good or bad we all fall into a routine, men and women alike. breaking up that routine is really what we're all after.

3. Crazy.I'm going through this with the wife of 22 years. I've been instinctively doing almost everything R is saying in the above post.
Very, very, very good for you....it warms my heart when I hear a man say 'instinctively"..I'm all smiles on this end of the keyboard...

4. Love has been completely renewed.I feel like a 22 year old kid again. She is also meeting EVERY need and desire I have. Absolutely amazing time in my life right now...

5. TTT. Thanks R. For the women who aren't whores, this is great stuff.

6. R - Holy fuck...great list! Will have to remember that if i ever take the plunge.
You don't need to be plunged to do this...when you find a woman who is rocking your world, this is the way to have her give you her heart....I don't really watch the bachelor/bachelorette series on TV--I think it's cruel to put a bunch of people together and have watch/know the object of their desire is out kissing and being emotionally intimate with other people that you're forced to live with and then hear the stories being shared--uggghh--but my point is there is a reason those dates take place doing varied exotic things in those locations--it's not for the prurience of good TV but it is the "experiential closeness" that breeds romantic love between two people. There's not a woman in the world who's every going to prefer a 2:00 pm first "date" over a cup of coffee at starbucks over a candle lit dinner. One holds all the sexual spark of a job interview (eye roll), the other has the promise of romance and seduction...

7. R, thank you. I consider all of the real women and the pretend women brothers as well. Truth be told, I am a '01er who is embarrassed to use my real account for this thread. I have a post graduate degree which I put to use directly for a couple of years and have been working with my family on our business for the past 4-5. She feels that I am taking the easy road and it has not paid off. We're in a lot of student loan debt and she feels that she has lost respect for me and that my drive to be successful and take care of her is all but gone. I get it. I have been really taking a chance with our business which is growing nicely but not providing enough money or stability to make either one of us secure. I have rededicated my efforts to find other full tie employment that I can feel good about and plan to participate in the business with whatever free time I have in addition to that. The job market is really tough these days especially for someone who's been in a family business for the past 4-5 years. I am taking all of the good advice to heart and actually did give her a foot massage the other day which I have never done. My parents divorced when I was 19 but were emotionally done with each other since I can remember and just stayed together because at the time money was very good and they thought it was better for the kids. So I never saw the kind of stuff that my wife expects and deserved growing up besides in movies. Also, I don't see any of my guy friends doing any better than me in this respect, so I need actual advice for someone with the best of intentions but who is somewhat romantically handicapped. I'm sure a lot of others could use the same advice. Thank you again and keep it coming.

8. Thanks for a woman's perspective.

9. You should check out Robert Greene's book Art of Seduction
I love this book! To all of you guys who wanted my love and support--thank you- it's nice to find my little pockets of appreciation--so big hugs to all of you.

Leigh and I have always been on polar opposites when it comes to relationships and what he fails to recognize is that as a married women she expects that the games he likes to play are far behind her. A woman who isn't cherished, appreciated or provided for will tire of the endless childishness of chasing and find a man who will give her what she needs without begging for it.Bottom line is that what you wife NEEDS from you is what I call an "intermittent girlfriend experience". She wants you to treat her like she's your girlfriend---BUT as a man you cannot give her a steady diet of this. Her heart--her loving experiences of you, her--thoughts and memories and sexual desire and experience MUST be deviated. Repetition in a marriage dulls it--and that is why you must change the places, scents, clothing and sexual scenarios. It is the changes/excitement that will keep her GLUED to you. No other man can possibly compare to the rush she has with you. There is even research (and the reason I mentioned the zip line in Costa Rica) that any adrenaline rushed experience--such as bungee jumping, her being frightened by a roller coaster ride, etc. all set off a chemical reaction that both increases attraction and sexual desire.

My recommendation is that around once per month she gets 'the surprise". If you guys keep "the secret fantasy" journal, you'll learn how to please her and to fulfill her without going too far astray--although I would encourage you to try new things that aren't in there--again, it's the element of surprise. I'm not sure of what your wife does for a living, but if you can get her time off without her knowing, it's all the better..."Baby, you're not going back to work after lunch...." dead hot...

10. Original Poster, listen to R, she knows what the hell she is talking about.

11. fabulous...i love you

love you too!

And one more thing--since you've mentioned money being tight--you don't need to spend a lot doing this...I'm on the east coast and we've had lots of crappy weather for weeks--if you're in snow take her outside at midnight with a thermos of hot cocoa and mini marshmallows...kiss her hands and draw her close...stare at the stars together...whisper her name into her ear...stay outside until you're both freezing....how many times in a woman's lifetime does a man stand in the snow and whisper her name?

12. Wow, I want everything that R has described!! Oh write poems and no do not copy one out of a book. Write a poem from your own thoughts. Girls like that kinda shit.

I'll give you all a couple more--for the single guys, a mixed bouquet of all white flowers. no red roses, pink is sweet, but the purity of all white will do something else to her....maybe it's the reminder of the possibility of a wedding bouquet...maybe it's the unsullied virginal color....but mixed white will take her breath away.... (just no daisies)

For my married original poster, surprise her with a reproduction of her wedding bouquet....it might be smaller due to finances, but bring your wedding picture to a local florist and have them put one together. She picked her flowers carefully...just like you...it'll mean the world to her...especially special on an anniversary....it tells her that you'd marry her all over again...

Surprise recommitment vows/ceremony is also wonderful...

Remember it's all about treating her like a girlfriend not a wife...and the surprises should also come at surprise times--I know I said about once per month, but that should also vary so she's not expecting it. Maybe two weeks in a row or wait 6 weeks....right now she's begging for connection...run your fingers through her hair while you're kissing her if you normally don't...

Wrap a beach towel around her, step into it and pulling the towel tight behind you so that she can't move--your bodies pressed against each other. This is especially hot if you're in a pool together...if it becomes more intimate, all the better, no one can see what the two of you are doing behind a pulled skin tight towel....

13. The wedding bouquet idea is very nice. Your suggestions and advice are helping me already. Gave another foot massage tonight for over an hour. I took her to a museum and a movie this weekend and we are working things out. Thank you. Don't stop.

Boys to men, lust to love and an open letter to FLH

My girlfriend Sandi told us a story about her fourth graders that I wanted to share.

The boys all go to the big table at the back to 'get away' from the girls. *eye roll here*I am wandering the room helping as needed and I hear from a group of 4 boys,"Hey you used giggle, I like that word." "Yeah, girls always giggle." "I know.""When girls giggle it sounds like music." "Yeah, like jingle bells or something." "I like it." "Me, too." "But, I think they giggle too much sometimes. Especially my sisters. Drives me crazy." "Uh huh, but don't you like to make them laugh?""Oh yeah, just to hear it."

This reminded me so much of hearing Marilu Henner tell the story of her then 4 year old saying that if he met a pretty girl he would ask her to dance. She asked him if it was all about a girl being pretty and what about her spirit? And he was adamant that his answer was no. She asked him how he knew that and he said he felt it in his body.

I’m smiling as I write this thinking about how I get chills every time I hear the line from the Counting Crows song “a long December” and the line that says “…the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls; then all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.” I don’t know if anything about a man feels more honest than that line.
One of the forums that I’m on had a man yesterday tell me that signed on from a different screen name because he was embarrassed that he would need to ask this question of how after ten years of marriage to keep his wife’s interest because he felt he was naturally lacking in romance and she asked him for that. What I told him was that was she was really looking for was an intermittent girlfriend experience. She wanted to still be treated like she was his girlfriend and not just his wife. I want to share those responses. The site is down, but as soon as it comes back up, I’ll post them here.

FLH, I’ve seen some video of you recently; your spirit looks broken and I thought I knew why. I read a few of the blogs you have written over the last several months and I think I was correct. It may be far too soon to see it, but you’ve received a gift in the loss of a woman who doesn’t want you. Ten years from now, you will still look at her with lust and longing, but something will change for you. What once were stellar qualities that you couldn’t live without will become something that you no longer see as something you could live with. This is going to be harsh to hear, but loosing her was entirely your doing. I saw what you did with her; it was different, but I saw what you did with me. You put up walls with her that you thought would be an attraction magnet that went too far. There is a difference in a PUA’s world between a slight little nudge like telling a woman that her smile is crooked and telling her that from the waist down she has the sex appeal of a fighter. Every woman has her insecurities over her looks. Every woman knows her imperfections but stabbing her at her most vulnerable place puts up a wall that no amount of kindness afterwards can ever get through. You broke a place in her (and me) of trust. And the truth is that sex for a woman is different than a man. She opens herself to envelope him. He becomes a part of her body. If you hurt her by insulting her how can you be surprised if she doesn’t emotionally or sexually let you in? You’re an alpha male/I’m an alpha female, I understand you. Aside from the “street” meaning of a bad ass top dog what an alpha really is, is a man who is half female in his thinking, actions and feelings or a woman who is half male in hers. Alpha's are sensitive and complex, we are the only one's who are leaders. Before I knew what an alpha was I used to sit in a room with 90 other people and watch how they all stopped what they were doing and listened when I spoke. I used to wonder what it was about me that had people in a room turn around and watch me as I walked into it. I always knew that I couldn't control it, and I always knew that it was gift that I wasn't sure of how to tap into. To be an alpha is really the most difficult of all relationship positions—only 5% of the world’s population is—and that includes both men and women. But those 5% are the only 5% that can and do change the world. You already know that by virtue of who you are. I’ll give you another statistic that was extrapolated for me. Based on those numbers there are only a mere 50K men throughout the United States that might have the potential to have been a partner for me. In my world a man has to be smarter and stronger than I am (and I’m no slouch) for me to feel sexual chemistry. Not all alpha females feel that way, but an alpha female will only acquiesce to an alpha male. It’s different for an alpha male. Alpha’s can have either lots of beta females to play with, or one alpha. It doesn’t translate for a woman. It’s an alpha male or no one.

I understand the pain you’re feeling of having done everything you could possibly do to win her and her answer to you was no. She needed a horse whisperer…someone to approach her softer than you did but strong in his masculinity. Telling a woman how effn hot she was repeatedly is the wrong way to approach her if what you want is courtship and a lifetime of her love. Begin with courtship, and you end with love. Asking a woman angrily the moment she walks through a door ‘what did you come back for?’ doesn’t work to begin a friendship or romance. Telling a woman afterwards that you’d treat her like a princess is too late. The damage is done. Having her accept tea from you when she was sick or calling you at 2 am was just a matter of using you—and she did it because she could. Understand that—she accepted what she did from you because she could ask for it knowing you would give it to her. Her truest feelings of distrust were already ingrained. I thought about that with you. I asked myself why you kissed me repeatedly…the only answer that made sense to me was that you did it, because you could.

My greatest wish for you is that this will change you through the maturation of growth; you claim that it has, but it is more organic than that; this shedding of your old soul to your new one won’t be complete until it stops hurting. You have a while yet to go to get through all of your growing pains. Everyone has “their last one”. The last time they fuck up a relationship by behaving self-admittedly like a 13 year old. I waited for you--I saw the 43 year old and I waited for him to show up. I waited for you to take me to dinner. My wish for you is that the next time you see that light within a woman that you’ll will have learned enough not to be ass and instead of putting up walls, to let her in. Every woman alive wants to be with a man that makes her feel safe and protected and cherished and provided for. Every woman wants a relationship that’s sane and makes sense for her life; the pushing and pulling is draining. You have so much to offer a woman if you learn to get out of your own way and to stop hurting people before they have an opportunity to hurt you. It’s self protective—I get it. I get you; I get how you show your love by the sacrifices you’re willing to make, the commitments you’re willing to keep, your unending endurance for not “a” woman, but that woman—who “light attached to” to feed you because you are instinctively unable to feed yourself. What you needed from the woman who glowed was appreciation, respect , and admiration. I get how a man lives for the opportunity to make a woman happy and only she can breathe life into you. She had to feed you with her joy of you or you died…she chose not to because what you offered her wasn’t enough—it wasn’t enough to get past the pain. And truth be told, what you offered me wasn’t enough for me either. I knew she had your heart, I had hoped yours might be open enough to let me in. I waited, but through your emails, you didn’t ask me for a date—what you asked me for an opportunity to “give” to you, while you gave me nothing. You are man enough to know that in order for a man to receive, he has to give. It was your right not to. I suppose you felt that you could ask knowing that I was drawn and wanted to know you. And I suppose that if I would have accepted your offer, your calorie expenditure would have been none, conserving your energy for the woman you really wanted. I wasn’t being crazy. I gave an opportunity without completely walking away. I gave you that opportunity by saying to you that I hoped you would treat me the way that you would want a man to treat your daughter when she came of age. What I was asking of you was to modify your behavior, because I liked you more than that, I gave you the chance to please ask me out instead of asking me to thrill you. I gave you a chance to find love with a woman who might have said yes. I knocked; you wouldn’t let me in. Another man at another time will see my light make me his Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.

Metaphysics, Psychics and Spirit

I would't ever call myself a psychic, but there is something that is tuned in to “something” out there in me. I believe that psychic can turn it on or off at will—I cannot. Sometimes there is a feeling…that I “know” and whatever "that” is, runs in the family. My mother had it, my father had it, my grandmother had it, and I believe to some extent my older brother has it—but not the younger one, although he would like to. I don't talk about it really because it is what it is and it happens when it does. It's something I can't control so I don't make a big deal out of it.

Maybe you can call it a series of coincidences, but I don’t think so…I’ll give you a couple of examples…there was a time that my father needed to go somewhere and was taking the company car. As he got to the parking lot something told him to go back and get his keys. Instead of going where he was supposed to, he drove home only to find my mom sitting outside. When he asked her what was wrong, she said that she had locked herself out of the house.
My mom once had a bad dream that my father’s cousin’s house was on fire. She woke my dad up to tell him and as she was telling the story, the phone rang and it was my father’s cousin telling my mom that her house was on fire…

When I was in 7th grade I was out with friends and something kept telling me all night long that I was going to get hit by a car if I wasn’t careful—and two streets from home…it happened.
I think that was the first time that I could remember that it happened—I was 12. There have been many times in my life that his occurred…typically a have voice that tells me to start packing when I haven’t even considered a move and within 6-9 months, I no longer live where I had.

A few weeks ago I had a guy help me re-organize my garage. I picked up a nut and said "I'm going to need this in 5 minutes". And within a few moments I came across something that indeed needed that nut to hold a screw in place. He was stunned and kept repeating "you said you were going to need this in five minutes!" I just sort of played it off without much reaction because it wasn't a big deal to me.

Frequently, I’ll think of some across the county and within moments to 24 hours there is contact between us—initiated by the other party. I call it "whispering their name into the wind".

Sometimes it a quiet voice that lives right at the top of my stomach where my ribs come together—I can point to it—that’s where it is in me. Other times there are gnawing thoughts of a person that don’t go away. And I know that I know that there are people who come into my life for reason. Sometimes the reason is for me; sometimes the reason is for them. In fact I have a man who I cannot stop thinking about. There is so much about him that swirls in me. Soon after I met him I had heard him speak and believed in that moment that he was on a path that would ultimately lead him to his suicide. He laughed it off and laughed at me for voicing it; but I still believe that I am correct.

I tried to shake him by giving his daughter a voice through me with words she isn’t old enough to say about her pain of losing him…he wasn’t ready to hear it. That was about a year and a half ago…I’ve heard he is now on antidepressants and chose not to spend last Christmas with his daughter. He’s not ready to hear; he doesn’t want me in his life. And if I step back outside of myself, it isn’t any of my business and it’s his choice to keep me distanced... and yet the gnawing at me about him doesn’t end…so there has to be a reason…I don't know what it is; I may never know...

When I was conceived, my mother couldn’t believe that she was pregnant—she couldn’t imagine how it could have happened…and yet there I was. When she was dying we talked about it and she said to me that she didn’t know how or why until she was so close to the end—but she told me then that she felt God had sent her an angel in me.

I’ve frequently wondered as I suppose like most of us what our purpose was to be here on Earth; I didn’t have the privilege of having my own children and I’ve wondered if it was for those moments in time where I was able to save to a life. There was the little two year old girl named Tracey who was choking on an ice cube. There was Linda who overdosed when we were 13…those moments when being there mattered…watershed moments that changed the direction of the universe for those people that I've helped.

I’ve never been a big believer in “the secret” and calling in what you want to manifest into your life; but I know that women are spiritual. Women are spiritual centers. It seems to be counterintuitive to say this, but spirituality is hardwired in a woman. I believe that sage elders in my religion knew this and that is why it is the obligation of a mother—not a father to give religious training to her child. And I guess that also harkens the memory I have of my mother telling me that she asked her father about how she would know when the right man came along.

Her father told her she’d just know…maybe that feeling lived inside of her stomach, too.

And so I wrote a few blogs back about how I felt that I had fucked up, the end of the road, the end of my parents genetic material…that it had survived for thousands of years. My doctor calls me genetically superior; for it’s sensitivities that kept me away from poisons; for the slower heartbeat that would have needed very little food to survive during lean times; for being able to wear fleece jacket all winter long and need little heat… And all I've thought of is my people burned at the stake, physical torture, famine, the black death, chilling winters, displaced from their homeland…my genetics survived to this place and time and I fucked up.

I’ve mourned this little death in me many times. When I got sick at 34 and saw a high risk pregnancy doctor who told me that I had little chance of having a full term healthy pregnancy, a part of me died that day…it was my birthright to have had a child... I died again when I had the greatest love of my life with a man who told me he had his children young and didn’t want any more. I died again when I went through my changes and was no longer fertile...and this coming birthday will mark the end of the possibility of implanting an embro.

My genetics survived for generations and I carry with me the endless sadness of never having met my children or grandchildren…no nieces, no nephews…I wrote about, put it out there…and I have to wonder if “it” once again was metaphysically calling to me for the last few weeks….because just yesterday my brother was on the other end of the phone…

He told me that a man came to meet him from several states away and very much out of the blue told him that he didn’t know how to tell my brother, but believes that my brother is his biological father. A result of a two-night stand in college 35 years ago…cheeks were swabbed…results to follow… and the possibility of genetics passed…

Sparkling bait and setting the hook properly…

JF came to me this week for advice on a man who is a doctor and 7 years her elder. Sparks flew between them this past summer, but JF was involved in another relationship. Her boyfriend broke up with her over some minor infraction which he blew out of proportion. My advice to JF on her boyfriend was not to take him back (as he asked the next day) but to explore other men while he needed to not only think about what he had done by breaking up with her, but to learn his lesson for all future women that may cross his path. On the day JF changed her facebook status to single, our hero M.D. ‘friended’ her and the text flirting began—with me as the third party.

Hero asked to see her when she was home from school—in essence to ‘hit him up’ and she asked me what to do. I told her that it wasn’t a good enough offer and that she should tell him that you’d love to see him but that that you really don't feel comfortable calling guys-- that it makes you feel like you’re chasing them and its uncomfortable for you. Say it exactly like that. You have to use “feeling” words.

Let him “tick-tock” and think about how to resolve that issue for you; he needs to figure out how to be in touch with you—not you with him.

He said he’ll take the reins lol and he said what he meant was that I should just let him know when I’ll be home so he can set something up. And then he said your parents won’t care that I’m much older?

Perfect! Manly response. Say that your parents trust that you will do the right thing for yourself. That lets him know that you love yourself more than you’ll ever love him and also thank him for respecting your parents being protective of you and that’s sweet that he thought of them.
(Now when you are getting ready to come home, about a week to 10 days beforehand tell him that you’ll be home between the dates of x and y and you’d love to see him. You have to give him enough time to remember to ask you out as well as plan something in advance. He has to look forward to seeing you so give him enough “man time” to think about you. Little to no notice will either lead you to a hang-out date or his unavailability to see you.)

He asked what I’m studying right now…tell him…men love it when they can teach you something…if you can use his help, ask for it; asking for help let’s them know there is room for them in your life.

He just asked me what I was studying and I told him poli sci—then he said ‘cool’…should I thank him?

No, you have nothing to respond to.

He just texted me and said ‘wild guess, you’re not with your boyfriend anymore?’ what do I say?

Tell him no, that although it was painful to say goodbye, ultimately you knew that he wasn’t the right man for you….and he’ll probably ask you what you’re looking for.

(Next text) oh my gosh you’re so good! He just asked me what I was looking for at this point in my life. What do I say?

Say that although you want to finish school that you’d like to be in a relationship that might ultimately lead to marriage and children.

I’m not saying that—it freaks me out.

You have to—then he begins to look at you as potential wife material and not a quick lay. It makes him think seriously about you—not that you’re a ‘right now’ hookup or party girl. And it also lets him know that you won’t put up with any player shit he may be contemplating. It’ll also make him wonder what kind of shit your boyfriend pulled and why you dumped him. Trust me he’s going to ask you what went wrong with him that you had to say goodbye to a one year plus relationship. He’s going to ask you that to figure out how to step up to the plate and to be a better man than the one you just left.

He just said to me, aren’t you 19?

Respond yes I am!

He said why settle down so early?

Right now he’s figuring out how cheaply he can have you. You have to show him that you’re marriage material or you’ll never get to girlfriend material—it shows him that you won’t settle for anything less than a man treating you that way. You must set your price high—not low.
Say to him that you aren’t settling down YET but that you know in your heart that although you are preparing for a career that nothing will ultimately make you happier than being a wife to a man you adore and having that man’s children.

Right now he’s fantasizing to try to figure out if you’d fit in his life…let him think about this for a few moments…

He said ‘I see’ what do I do now? He’s a cocky asshole.

Do nothing…he’s thinking. Either he’s going to show himself to be a player and fade away right now or he’s going to take you seriously. You must always tell a man that you’re looking for a long term committed relationship potentially leading to marriage or you become the right now girl, not the right one.

He said he totally gets it and that I sound really mature for my age.

Excellent—you just past the first test—now you’re not an easy lay. He may try again and again but now you’re different than the other girls who are throwing themselves at him. When he tries again—and he will, you will have to remind him that the two of you have already been all through this and he knows how you feel.

He just said to me ‘you’re still saving yourself, huh?’

Respond yes, of course. I can think of no greater gift to give my husband than knowing that he has every part of me—heart, body and soul.

He said very cool.

He’s considering the price he is going to have to pay to have you. As I said, you MUST set it high. Either he’ll step up to the plate to win you or he’ll consider the price too high, and fade away. This sounds like you’re being cockier than he is, but you’re not—you’re being sweet but not giving yourself to him easily. Other women will, but this sets you apart and makes you special. You have to keep him thinking. And now he knows that your boyfriend didn’t have ALL of you.

What do I say now?

Nothing, he’s “tick-tocking”—processing everything you just said to him…

He just said to me ‘that’s got to be somewhat difficult, no?”

Believe me he’s thinking about what your boyfriend did or didn’t do to cut the mustard and what he has to do to step it up…

Respond, of course, I’m an affectionate woman but it’s not a gift that I’m easily willing to part with. I hope you can understand my feelings on this.

He just said if I’m affectionate that when the day comes, I’ll be addicted…what do I say to that?

Say that you’re blushing at the thought but that the sharing of yourselves to each other is one of the greatest pleasures of marriage.

He just asked if I was super religious.

Say that your spirituality is important to you…(This is good, he’s mentally trying you on…)

You have to say those words to him exactly—your spirituality...
Right now we don’t know what his religion is and two years from now if/when he asks you to marry him you can tell him that you have always NEEDED to raise your children catholic, that you cannot imagine it any other way. Right now, if you mention Catholicism to him, his religion verses yours may be a deal breaker in his mind. If he falls deeply in love with you, he may be flexible in changing his religion to yours in order to have the privilege of making you his wife.
He just asked what my vices are.

Tell him laughing…that you love to laugh.

Really, do I say that?

Yes, he’s trying you on. He has lots of stress in his life. He needs to know that when he comes home after a long day of illness and unhappiness that he has a respite of joy being in your company and he needs to look forward to coming home to you. You NEED to bring happiness, beauty and meaning into his life.

He said that’s not a vice.

Just say lol that you don’t have any.

He said jeez.

Tell him that you have a happy life without any vices. JF he’s trying you on mentally—he needs a woman without vices to show off as his captured prize to his colleagues. You are a beautiful, virtuous, spiritual, vice-less woman—the perfect wife and mother.

(JF, These are the markings of a man who is seriously thinking about you by asking all of the right questions—not the usual ‘what’s up’ bullshit.)

Ok, but I feel like he’s so old…
he just said he can agree with what I just said about my lack of vices because his life is so awesome and he’s never bummed.

Say that sounds really wonderful.

Remember JF that this man is PRACTICE for you to learn how to respond femininely and ‘properly’. He may take you to Italy with him this summer or this may be one date but remember that THIS man can buy you a shore house for your parents…this man can afford to do the traveling that you want to. It’s not the men that you attract, but the one’s that you ultimately decide to keep in your life. The right man KNOWS that his responsibility is not only his wife, but the people/things she loves. He will do his best to make you happy—the old saying goes “happy wife, happy life” for a reason. A man in love will always work to make you happy—they live for it. Dr. Pat says that a masculine man will not “feed himself” you must feed him with your happiness and appreciation for what he does for you. She says a man cannot feed himself in this manner—you must feed him or he dies without it.

Ok but this is kinda scary.

Maybe this guy is ‘the one’ maybe he’s not. But this is teaching you how to behave to have a man be captured/captivated by wonderful you! No one is putting a ring on your finger anytime soon, yes? Bait your hook and reel him in. You may do a catch and release, or take him home—right now, it’s just practice…