As it turns out, the guy asking for my advice on how to be more romantic had a hidden agenda. He found out his wife has been having an emotional affair that progressed to kissing with a guy at work for the last three weeks and her levels of secrecy and drinking both have increased…his wanting to woo her to get her back began with her complaint as for an explanation of her attraction…her man at home isn’t paying enough attention to the romance that she feels she needs.
She’s packed her things to stay at her mother’s for a couple of weeks while she thinks things out…my advice to him is otherwise. When he asked, I told him that I thought the only options are counseling or change the locks--her choice...She needs to see who she's been, take responsibility for the hurt she caused or move on to a life with a man who deserves her (wink). This is not your fault. Even if you THINK you could have been more attentive she didn't tell u she needed that from you. She abandoned this relationship, not you. She doesn't have the right to be pulling any crap about how things are going to change and what time frame--sorry. But she doesn't. Do not back down on this and big claps for taking my advice, “manning up” to go talk to the guy. I knew she wouldn't be happy—tough--and that's why I told you to do it. I'd also be complaining to her about buying him the gift of an iPod--how dare she take money from YOUR HOUSEHOLD to buy a gift for another man? Find a way to ask for it back--you may not get it, but she needs to be taught there are consequences to her actions...She doesn't get to complain about your not having enough money and then spending it elsewhere. If she's still out of the house by tomorrow night tell her you're changing the locks by this weekend so she needs to take whatever else she needs out by then and you’re seeing an attorney--and seriously make an appointment. She doesn't get to pull the strings in your life. If you don't protect yourself right now, you're going to come home to a house without furniture and wiped out bank accounts...
Whether or not the two of you can get past this, I don’t know…I also know that’s not what you want to hear, but it all depends on whether both of you want to move past this or not--truthfully if she's drinking, she's not in her right mind and can't make a right decision. Women drink to numb their feelings—they are tired of the rumination of feeling and feeling and feeling. Men drink to wipe out their thinking and get to their feelings. But you can't wait for her to figure out if she wants to be with your or not and BEGIN to build a trustworthy track record again...she's continuing her UNTRUSTWORTHY track record and you have to not stand for waiting her out. Truthfully, I have such little tolerance for this kind of crap (and OK I'll admit that when you punch me I'm going find a way to punch you back) that I would probably send her a text saying that I was heading over to TJ MAXX or Wal-Mart or some other low budget place and ask how many suitcases did she think she would need you to buy to pack up all of her stuff, because this is a home, not a prison and if she doesn't want to be here every day for the rest of her life, you'll be available on Friday night from 7-10 to help you pack your stuff and leave...
I know that you’ve been with her for 10 years and thought you would be forever, but this is an opportunity for you to decide what you want and whether or not it’s O.K. for her to fly. This is what I would suggest— that you ask yourself what it is that you can live with and what is it that you can’t. Meaning that can you live with her now, knowing that she’s pulled some crap on the sanctity of your marriage? And is it that you cannot live without her respecting, admiring or appreciating everything that you do for her as her husband? What are your deal breakers? If she sleeps with him can you take her back? You must make sure that want you want to give to your partner is valued by them—if not, she doesn’t appreciate or respect you. What is it that you want to give—( joyfully), what is it that you want to receive ungrudgingly, joyfully, happily from your partner? If you love to surprise women and she hates surprises, both of you will end up unhappy—you for having not loved her ‘correctly’ and her being frustrated that you should know by now that she ‘hates’ that. Do you love a home cooked meal and she hates to cook? You’re not going to get what you want; does that make it a deal breaker? Do you give her the gift of a weekly nice clean car and that isn’t one of the things that is top priority on her “to do” list? That makes you undervalued in her eyes as a mate…you asked for my help, so this is the time for you to decide if you really want her back or you would rather move on to a mate who finds the way that you need to love meaningful to her.
She’s packed her things to stay at her mother’s for a couple of weeks while she thinks things out…my advice to him is otherwise. When he asked, I told him that I thought the only options are counseling or change the locks--her choice...She needs to see who she's been, take responsibility for the hurt she caused or move on to a life with a man who deserves her (wink). This is not your fault. Even if you THINK you could have been more attentive she didn't tell u she needed that from you. She abandoned this relationship, not you. She doesn't have the right to be pulling any crap about how things are going to change and what time frame--sorry. But she doesn't. Do not back down on this and big claps for taking my advice, “manning up” to go talk to the guy. I knew she wouldn't be happy—tough--and that's why I told you to do it. I'd also be complaining to her about buying him the gift of an iPod--how dare she take money from YOUR HOUSEHOLD to buy a gift for another man? Find a way to ask for it back--you may not get it, but she needs to be taught there are consequences to her actions...She doesn't get to complain about your not having enough money and then spending it elsewhere. If she's still out of the house by tomorrow night tell her you're changing the locks by this weekend so she needs to take whatever else she needs out by then and you’re seeing an attorney--and seriously make an appointment. She doesn't get to pull the strings in your life. If you don't protect yourself right now, you're going to come home to a house without furniture and wiped out bank accounts...
Whether or not the two of you can get past this, I don’t know…I also know that’s not what you want to hear, but it all depends on whether both of you want to move past this or not--truthfully if she's drinking, she's not in her right mind and can't make a right decision. Women drink to numb their feelings—they are tired of the rumination of feeling and feeling and feeling. Men drink to wipe out their thinking and get to their feelings. But you can't wait for her to figure out if she wants to be with your or not and BEGIN to build a trustworthy track record again...she's continuing her UNTRUSTWORTHY track record and you have to not stand for waiting her out. Truthfully, I have such little tolerance for this kind of crap (and OK I'll admit that when you punch me I'm going find a way to punch you back) that I would probably send her a text saying that I was heading over to TJ MAXX or Wal-Mart or some other low budget place and ask how many suitcases did she think she would need you to buy to pack up all of her stuff, because this is a home, not a prison and if she doesn't want to be here every day for the rest of her life, you'll be available on Friday night from 7-10 to help you pack your stuff and leave...
I know that you’ve been with her for 10 years and thought you would be forever, but this is an opportunity for you to decide what you want and whether or not it’s O.K. for her to fly. This is what I would suggest— that you ask yourself what it is that you can live with and what is it that you can’t. Meaning that can you live with her now, knowing that she’s pulled some crap on the sanctity of your marriage? And is it that you cannot live without her respecting, admiring or appreciating everything that you do for her as her husband? What are your deal breakers? If she sleeps with him can you take her back? You must make sure that want you want to give to your partner is valued by them—if not, she doesn’t appreciate or respect you. What is it that you want to give—( joyfully), what is it that you want to receive ungrudgingly, joyfully, happily from your partner? If you love to surprise women and she hates surprises, both of you will end up unhappy—you for having not loved her ‘correctly’ and her being frustrated that you should know by now that she ‘hates’ that. Do you love a home cooked meal and she hates to cook? You’re not going to get what you want; does that make it a deal breaker? Do you give her the gift of a weekly nice clean car and that isn’t one of the things that is top priority on her “to do” list? That makes you undervalued in her eyes as a mate…you asked for my help, so this is the time for you to decide if you really want her back or you would rather move on to a mate who finds the way that you need to love meaningful to her.
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