One of my mentors (Pat Allen) says that unless you need to call a police officer because your partner has done something illegal; call a lawyer because of some unethical practice (which affects your things) or call a doctor because of something immoral (that affects your body) you should stay in a relationship; period. In fact, the ideal is to commit to the relationship instead of the person—because on both of your worst days, neither of you is worth being married to. She says that I must remember that if my partner is 51% valuable in my life—my life is better with him than without him on the worse day together, I should stay in the relationship. This is one of her core tenants.
Recently, I’ve begun thinking about another…that in peeled back layers of an examined life could I choose to be loved instead of being right? Could I be vulnerable enough to forgive a wrong that I believe fell into one of the categories of the above mentioned three unholy acts?
Pat says that if a man leaves and comes back to you after eight weeks you begin your relationship from the beginning, with a brand new track record of creating trustworthiness. Could I rebuild a relationship and act as if he hadn’t hurt me? Would have the courage to allow him to approach me and a relationship anew? Could I control my anger enough not to bitch slap him verbally or act out? I know that the real feeling underneath anger is hurt… Could I love him and not protect myself from being hurt so deeply by pushing him away if he approached me the second time around?
This moment of questioning is not truly about dating this one person per se but an outlook examining my part in this and my pain I would could only examine the incident from my viewpoint—being very much an alpha female and working hard to tame half and half of the masculine energy that resides in me. I question the feminine soul that lives in my heart; the woman that I am at my core knows to be feminine is to be receptive and appreciative and learn to give a man the benefit of the doubt. Could I be controlling enough of my own behavior to be available and respectful to a man that who hurt me? Could I accept fully that the man who stands before me today as one who should not be judged for the behavior he did a year ago?
I don't believe that this is an exercise in futility...as always, I am an ever self aware, evolving woman and questioning where it is appropriate or not to "draw a line in the sand". He has not made any attempt to contact me or come back into my life, but I’m questioning my ability to be vulnerable—THAT vulnerable to a man that might still hold a place in my heart verses not allowing him to be close enough to hurt me again.
Could I look past what was in my case it was a very public humiliation because he thought I had behaved in a way to purposely hurt him. There were huge crossed signals between us; how we interacted and perceived each other. I realize that the playful, sexual, come hither flirtations I promulgated upon him would not elicit the response that I wanted from him—to be noticed, to cared for and be under his protection. I understood my part and backed away wondering if he would chase; he did not. I had emasculated him and that triggered his wrath against me. He thought I was rejecting him; I thought he was asking for me sex and nothing else. It was inappropriate; it was over the top lashing out--however, I also believe on some level he had to hurt me as deeply and personally as he did in order to keep his tribe intact.
He was the alpha male and couldn't risk my having rejected him in front of the tribe...what I feel is his unethical behavior didn’t come about in a vacuum. I take responsibility for that because -- in his eyes -- I had disrespected him in front of his followers. The hard smack down was a normal, natural choice for a coarse man in a coarse land. The difference was at that time I would have never told anyone what transpired. I have since then and I don’t feel badly about it.
The feminine energy. Yin, as the Oriental’s call it. To choose to be living each moment in authentic femininity. Choosing to live within Yin-dom; it is an ever evolving process for me...you shed one layer and then there is another and one beneath that to be shed in its own time…
I just recently read about Pat telling someone to stop being nice. Is it not innately girly to play nice? It is sort of shocking when you think about it, as we're trying so hard to tame our "just below the surface" bitchiness. Alpha…coiled up, hissing, ready to strike or strike back.
Stop being nice. The incident Pat described was one in which a woman was doing some online dating and the person who showed up didn't look like their picture...Pat told her that she should have told him that although I appreciate your wanting to take the time to come and meet me, I feel that who you misrepresented yourself and I don't feel comfortable staying and then leave.
Would I feel THAT uncomfortable? Could I have the courage to do that? Could I be so in touch with my own discomfort that all social niceties could be that easily swept away leaving the barest of “ I feel xyz” and then to act only on those feelings? I understand this, I do. Pat using it an example of teaching a boundary; he had used the essence of the game of bait and switch. The lesson is having the courage to say I won’t allow you to take advantage of my time merely because you got me to come to meet you. I don’t owe you the gift my attention when you in essence lied to get me here. Bitchy…and men like it.
Recently, I’ve begun thinking about another…that in peeled back layers of an examined life could I choose to be loved instead of being right? Could I be vulnerable enough to forgive a wrong that I believe fell into one of the categories of the above mentioned three unholy acts?
Pat says that if a man leaves and comes back to you after eight weeks you begin your relationship from the beginning, with a brand new track record of creating trustworthiness. Could I rebuild a relationship and act as if he hadn’t hurt me? Would have the courage to allow him to approach me and a relationship anew? Could I control my anger enough not to bitch slap him verbally or act out? I know that the real feeling underneath anger is hurt… Could I love him and not protect myself from being hurt so deeply by pushing him away if he approached me the second time around?
This moment of questioning is not truly about dating this one person per se but an outlook examining my part in this and my pain I would could only examine the incident from my viewpoint—being very much an alpha female and working hard to tame half and half of the masculine energy that resides in me. I question the feminine soul that lives in my heart; the woman that I am at my core knows to be feminine is to be receptive and appreciative and learn to give a man the benefit of the doubt. Could I be controlling enough of my own behavior to be available and respectful to a man that who hurt me? Could I accept fully that the man who stands before me today as one who should not be judged for the behavior he did a year ago?
I don't believe that this is an exercise in futility...as always, I am an ever self aware, evolving woman and questioning where it is appropriate or not to "draw a line in the sand". He has not made any attempt to contact me or come back into my life, but I’m questioning my ability to be vulnerable—THAT vulnerable to a man that might still hold a place in my heart verses not allowing him to be close enough to hurt me again.
Could I look past what was in my case it was a very public humiliation because he thought I had behaved in a way to purposely hurt him. There were huge crossed signals between us; how we interacted and perceived each other. I realize that the playful, sexual, come hither flirtations I promulgated upon him would not elicit the response that I wanted from him—to be noticed, to cared for and be under his protection. I understood my part and backed away wondering if he would chase; he did not. I had emasculated him and that triggered his wrath against me. He thought I was rejecting him; I thought he was asking for me sex and nothing else. It was inappropriate; it was over the top lashing out--however, I also believe on some level he had to hurt me as deeply and personally as he did in order to keep his tribe intact.
He was the alpha male and couldn't risk my having rejected him in front of the tribe...what I feel is his unethical behavior didn’t come about in a vacuum. I take responsibility for that because -- in his eyes -- I had disrespected him in front of his followers. The hard smack down was a normal, natural choice for a coarse man in a coarse land. The difference was at that time I would have never told anyone what transpired. I have since then and I don’t feel badly about it.
The feminine energy. Yin, as the Oriental’s call it. To choose to be living each moment in authentic femininity. Choosing to live within Yin-dom; it is an ever evolving process for me...you shed one layer and then there is another and one beneath that to be shed in its own time…
I just recently read about Pat telling someone to stop being nice. Is it not innately girly to play nice? It is sort of shocking when you think about it, as we're trying so hard to tame our "just below the surface" bitchiness. Alpha…coiled up, hissing, ready to strike or strike back.
Stop being nice. The incident Pat described was one in which a woman was doing some online dating and the person who showed up didn't look like their picture...Pat told her that she should have told him that although I appreciate your wanting to take the time to come and meet me, I feel that who you misrepresented yourself and I don't feel comfortable staying and then leave.
Would I feel THAT uncomfortable? Could I have the courage to do that? Could I be so in touch with my own discomfort that all social niceties could be that easily swept away leaving the barest of “ I feel xyz” and then to act only on those feelings? I understand this, I do. Pat using it an example of teaching a boundary; he had used the essence of the game of bait and switch. The lesson is having the courage to say I won’t allow you to take advantage of my time merely because you got me to come to meet you. I don’t owe you the gift my attention when you in essence lied to get me here. Bitchy…and men like it.
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