My girlfriend Sandi told us a story about her fourth graders that I wanted to share.
The boys all go to the big table at the back to 'get away' from the girls. *eye roll here*I am wandering the room helping as needed and I hear from a group of 4 boys,"Hey you used giggle, I like that word." "Yeah, girls always giggle." "I know.""When girls giggle it sounds like music." "Yeah, like jingle bells or something." "I like it." "Me, too." "But, I think they giggle too much sometimes. Especially my sisters. Drives me crazy." "Uh huh, but don't you like to make them laugh?""Oh yeah, just to hear it."
This reminded me so much of hearing Marilu Henner tell the story of her then 4 year old saying that if he met a pretty girl he would ask her to dance. She asked him if it was all about a girl being pretty and what about her spirit? And he was adamant that his answer was no. She asked him how he knew that and he said he felt it in his body.
I’m smiling as I write this thinking about how I get chills every time I hear the line from the Counting Crows song “a long December” and the line that says “…the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls; then all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.” I don’t know if anything about a man feels more honest than that line.
One of the forums that I’m on had a man yesterday tell me that signed on from a different screen name because he was embarrassed that he would need to ask this question of how after ten years of marriage to keep his wife’s interest because he felt he was naturally lacking in romance and she asked him for that. What I told him was that was she was really looking for was an intermittent girlfriend experience. She wanted to still be treated like she was his girlfriend and not just his wife. I want to share those responses. The site is down, but as soon as it comes back up, I’ll post them here.
FLH, I’ve seen some video of you recently; your spirit looks broken and I thought I knew why. I read a few of the blogs you have written over the last several months and I think I was correct. It may be far too soon to see it, but you’ve received a gift in the loss of a woman who doesn’t want you. Ten years from now, you will still look at her with lust and longing, but something will change for you. What once were stellar qualities that you couldn’t live without will become something that you no longer see as something you could live with. This is going to be harsh to hear, but loosing her was entirely your doing. I saw what you did with her; it was different, but I saw what you did with me. You put up walls with her that you thought would be an attraction magnet that went too far. There is a difference in a PUA’s world between a slight little nudge like telling a woman that her smile is crooked and telling her that from the waist down she has the sex appeal of a fighter. Every woman has her insecurities over her looks. Every woman knows her imperfections but stabbing her at her most vulnerable place puts up a wall that no amount of kindness afterwards can ever get through. You broke a place in her (and me) of trust. And the truth is that sex for a woman is different than a man. She opens herself to envelope him. He becomes a part of her body. If you hurt her by insulting her how can you be surprised if she doesn’t emotionally or sexually let you in? You’re an alpha male/I’m an alpha female, I understand you. Aside from the “street” meaning of a bad ass top dog what an alpha really is, is a man who is half female in his thinking, actions and feelings or a woman who is half male in hers. Alpha's are sensitive and complex, we are the only one's who are leaders. Before I knew what an alpha was I used to sit in a room with 90 other people and watch how they all stopped what they were doing and listened when I spoke. I used to wonder what it was about me that had people in a room turn around and watch me as I walked into it. I always knew that I couldn't control it, and I always knew that it was gift that I wasn't sure of how to tap into. To be an alpha is really the most difficult of all relationship positions—only 5% of the world’s population is—and that includes both men and women. But those 5% are the only 5% that can and do change the world. You already know that by virtue of who you are. I’ll give you another statistic that was extrapolated for me. Based on those numbers there are only a mere 50K men throughout the United States that might have the potential to have been a partner for me. In my world a man has to be smarter and stronger than I am (and I’m no slouch) for me to feel sexual chemistry. Not all alpha females feel that way, but an alpha female will only acquiesce to an alpha male. It’s different for an alpha male. Alpha’s can have either lots of beta females to play with, or one alpha. It doesn’t translate for a woman. It’s an alpha male or no one.
I understand the pain you’re feeling of having done everything you could possibly do to win her and her answer to you was no. She needed a horse whisperer…someone to approach her softer than you did but strong in his masculinity. Telling a woman how effn hot she was repeatedly is the wrong way to approach her if what you want is courtship and a lifetime of her love. Begin with courtship, and you end with love. Asking a woman angrily the moment she walks through a door ‘what did you come back for?’ doesn’t work to begin a friendship or romance. Telling a woman afterwards that you’d treat her like a princess is too late. The damage is done. Having her accept tea from you when she was sick or calling you at 2 am was just a matter of using you—and she did it because she could. Understand that—she accepted what she did from you because she could ask for it knowing you would give it to her. Her truest feelings of distrust were already ingrained. I thought about that with you. I asked myself why you kissed me repeatedly…the only answer that made sense to me was that you did it, because you could.
My greatest wish for you is that this will change you through the maturation of growth; you claim that it has, but it is more organic than that; this shedding of your old soul to your new one won’t be complete until it stops hurting. You have a while yet to go to get through all of your growing pains. Everyone has “their last one”. The last time they fuck up a relationship by behaving self-admittedly like a 13 year old. I waited for you--I saw the 43 year old and I waited for him to show up. I waited for you to take me to dinner. My wish for you is that the next time you see that light within a woman that you’ll will have learned enough not to be ass and instead of putting up walls, to let her in. Every woman alive wants to be with a man that makes her feel safe and protected and cherished and provided for. Every woman wants a relationship that’s sane and makes sense for her life; the pushing and pulling is draining. You have so much to offer a woman if you learn to get out of your own way and to stop hurting people before they have an opportunity to hurt you. It’s self protective—I get it. I get you; I get how you show your love by the sacrifices you’re willing to make, the commitments you’re willing to keep, your unending endurance for not “a” woman, but that woman—who “light attached to” to feed you because you are instinctively unable to feed yourself. What you needed from the woman who glowed was appreciation, respect , and admiration. I get how a man lives for the opportunity to make a woman happy and only she can breathe life into you. She had to feed you with her joy of you or you died…she chose not to because what you offered her wasn’t enough—it wasn’t enough to get past the pain. And truth be told, what you offered me wasn’t enough for me either. I knew she had your heart, I had hoped yours might be open enough to let me in. I waited, but through your emails, you didn’t ask me for a date—what you asked me for an opportunity to “give” to you, while you gave me nothing. You are man enough to know that in order for a man to receive, he has to give. It was your right not to. I suppose you felt that you could ask knowing that I was drawn and wanted to know you. And I suppose that if I would have accepted your offer, your calorie expenditure would have been none, conserving your energy for the woman you really wanted. I wasn’t being crazy. I gave an opportunity without completely walking away. I gave you that opportunity by saying to you that I hoped you would treat me the way that you would want a man to treat your daughter when she came of age. What I was asking of you was to modify your behavior, because I liked you more than that, I gave you the chance to please ask me out instead of asking me to thrill you. I gave you a chance to find love with a woman who might have said yes. I knocked; you wouldn’t let me in. Another man at another time will see my light make me his Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.
The boys all go to the big table at the back to 'get away' from the girls. *eye roll here*I am wandering the room helping as needed and I hear from a group of 4 boys,"Hey you used giggle, I like that word." "Yeah, girls always giggle." "I know.""When girls giggle it sounds like music." "Yeah, like jingle bells or something." "I like it." "Me, too." "But, I think they giggle too much sometimes. Especially my sisters. Drives me crazy." "Uh huh, but don't you like to make them laugh?""Oh yeah, just to hear it."
This reminded me so much of hearing Marilu Henner tell the story of her then 4 year old saying that if he met a pretty girl he would ask her to dance. She asked him if it was all about a girl being pretty and what about her spirit? And he was adamant that his answer was no. She asked him how he knew that and he said he felt it in his body.
I’m smiling as I write this thinking about how I get chills every time I hear the line from the Counting Crows song “a long December” and the line that says “…the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters but no pearls; then all at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl.” I don’t know if anything about a man feels more honest than that line.
One of the forums that I’m on had a man yesterday tell me that signed on from a different screen name because he was embarrassed that he would need to ask this question of how after ten years of marriage to keep his wife’s interest because he felt he was naturally lacking in romance and she asked him for that. What I told him was that was she was really looking for was an intermittent girlfriend experience. She wanted to still be treated like she was his girlfriend and not just his wife. I want to share those responses. The site is down, but as soon as it comes back up, I’ll post them here.
FLH, I’ve seen some video of you recently; your spirit looks broken and I thought I knew why. I read a few of the blogs you have written over the last several months and I think I was correct. It may be far too soon to see it, but you’ve received a gift in the loss of a woman who doesn’t want you. Ten years from now, you will still look at her with lust and longing, but something will change for you. What once were stellar qualities that you couldn’t live without will become something that you no longer see as something you could live with. This is going to be harsh to hear, but loosing her was entirely your doing. I saw what you did with her; it was different, but I saw what you did with me. You put up walls with her that you thought would be an attraction magnet that went too far. There is a difference in a PUA’s world between a slight little nudge like telling a woman that her smile is crooked and telling her that from the waist down she has the sex appeal of a fighter. Every woman has her insecurities over her looks. Every woman knows her imperfections but stabbing her at her most vulnerable place puts up a wall that no amount of kindness afterwards can ever get through. You broke a place in her (and me) of trust. And the truth is that sex for a woman is different than a man. She opens herself to envelope him. He becomes a part of her body. If you hurt her by insulting her how can you be surprised if she doesn’t emotionally or sexually let you in? You’re an alpha male/I’m an alpha female, I understand you. Aside from the “street” meaning of a bad ass top dog what an alpha really is, is a man who is half female in his thinking, actions and feelings or a woman who is half male in hers. Alpha's are sensitive and complex, we are the only one's who are leaders. Before I knew what an alpha was I used to sit in a room with 90 other people and watch how they all stopped what they were doing and listened when I spoke. I used to wonder what it was about me that had people in a room turn around and watch me as I walked into it. I always knew that I couldn't control it, and I always knew that it was gift that I wasn't sure of how to tap into. To be an alpha is really the most difficult of all relationship positions—only 5% of the world’s population is—and that includes both men and women. But those 5% are the only 5% that can and do change the world. You already know that by virtue of who you are. I’ll give you another statistic that was extrapolated for me. Based on those numbers there are only a mere 50K men throughout the United States that might have the potential to have been a partner for me. In my world a man has to be smarter and stronger than I am (and I’m no slouch) for me to feel sexual chemistry. Not all alpha females feel that way, but an alpha female will only acquiesce to an alpha male. It’s different for an alpha male. Alpha’s can have either lots of beta females to play with, or one alpha. It doesn’t translate for a woman. It’s an alpha male or no one.
I understand the pain you’re feeling of having done everything you could possibly do to win her and her answer to you was no. She needed a horse whisperer…someone to approach her softer than you did but strong in his masculinity. Telling a woman how effn hot she was repeatedly is the wrong way to approach her if what you want is courtship and a lifetime of her love. Begin with courtship, and you end with love. Asking a woman angrily the moment she walks through a door ‘what did you come back for?’ doesn’t work to begin a friendship or romance. Telling a woman afterwards that you’d treat her like a princess is too late. The damage is done. Having her accept tea from you when she was sick or calling you at 2 am was just a matter of using you—and she did it because she could. Understand that—she accepted what she did from you because she could ask for it knowing you would give it to her. Her truest feelings of distrust were already ingrained. I thought about that with you. I asked myself why you kissed me repeatedly…the only answer that made sense to me was that you did it, because you could.
My greatest wish for you is that this will change you through the maturation of growth; you claim that it has, but it is more organic than that; this shedding of your old soul to your new one won’t be complete until it stops hurting. You have a while yet to go to get through all of your growing pains. Everyone has “their last one”. The last time they fuck up a relationship by behaving self-admittedly like a 13 year old. I waited for you--I saw the 43 year old and I waited for him to show up. I waited for you to take me to dinner. My wish for you is that the next time you see that light within a woman that you’ll will have learned enough not to be ass and instead of putting up walls, to let her in. Every woman alive wants to be with a man that makes her feel safe and protected and cherished and provided for. Every woman wants a relationship that’s sane and makes sense for her life; the pushing and pulling is draining. You have so much to offer a woman if you learn to get out of your own way and to stop hurting people before they have an opportunity to hurt you. It’s self protective—I get it. I get you; I get how you show your love by the sacrifices you’re willing to make, the commitments you’re willing to keep, your unending endurance for not “a” woman, but that woman—who “light attached to” to feed you because you are instinctively unable to feed yourself. What you needed from the woman who glowed was appreciation, respect , and admiration. I get how a man lives for the opportunity to make a woman happy and only she can breathe life into you. She had to feed you with her joy of you or you died…she chose not to because what you offered her wasn’t enough—it wasn’t enough to get past the pain. And truth be told, what you offered me wasn’t enough for me either. I knew she had your heart, I had hoped yours might be open enough to let me in. I waited, but through your emails, you didn’t ask me for a date—what you asked me for an opportunity to “give” to you, while you gave me nothing. You are man enough to know that in order for a man to receive, he has to give. It was your right not to. I suppose you felt that you could ask knowing that I was drawn and wanted to know you. And I suppose that if I would have accepted your offer, your calorie expenditure would have been none, conserving your energy for the woman you really wanted. I wasn’t being crazy. I gave an opportunity without completely walking away. I gave you that opportunity by saying to you that I hoped you would treat me the way that you would want a man to treat your daughter when she came of age. What I was asking of you was to modify your behavior, because I liked you more than that, I gave you the chance to please ask me out instead of asking me to thrill you. I gave you a chance to find love with a woman who might have said yes. I knocked; you wouldn’t let me in. Another man at another time will see my light make me his Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.
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