Honey--please understand that you did NOTHING to have her loose respect for you. I fully understand that a man’s identity is defined by his work…and you are working every day towards being the man you not only want to be, but need to be. By virtue of your being her husband she is supposed to respect you. Respect, appreciate and admire. IF YOU don't get that from her, YOU are the one not having your needs met. Can you see it from this perspective? YOU didn't go out and get drunk, you didn't have affairs, you didn't kiss anyone, and you did not dump on your marriage. This is why I asked you to ask yourself what can you live with, what can't you live without? (Obviously, TODAY you can live with her having an emotional affair, but can you live without her NOT respecting that you are doing everything you can to improve your financial situation? Can you live without her giving herself heart, body and soul to you completely? ) You need to ask yourself these questions...
I understand where you're coming from having spent 10 years with this woman BUT she has just proven herself to be untrustworthy. And I’m advising you the same way I would advise my own family member to start over--but watch her very carefully. Commit to the relationship because right now you’re are starting from zero all over again...any trust you had in her is gone and rebuilding that is going to happen over time. I wouldn't ever say that a person doesn't deserve a second chance---but not a third.
You asked about the fantasy journaling; women may very well be more embarrassed than not telling you verbally what their fantasies are...but leave her alone with her journal, and in her own time she will open up a world of desire that you didn't even know existed in her. A few weeks ago I read "The Kosher Sutra". What I found fascinating was there was actually another man--besides Chris Rock--who KNOWS that a woman is far more sexual than a man...that her fantasies are far more vivid, far more giving of herself, far more adventurous in wanting to explore both of you than you could ever give her have imagined...
Since you are still looking for romantic gestures, I’ve thought about naming a star after her and going to the planetarium to find it...having black and white photographs done of the two of you together—hugging, kissing each other wrapped up just in a plain white sheet. Having rings engraved with a saying that means something to you both (the same ring--different sizes), make up a scrap book or object of memories of your life together. I have a tall footed cylinder vase with a top on it. (They are readily available everywhere-- you can buy them where you buy kitchen gadgets or even craft stores) that I keep what I call my sea treasures in. It’s not shaped like a treasure chest but in it I have all sorts of things that you might find in a treasure chest--as I LOVE the beach.
Instead of ending up with drawers full of faded tee-shirts, whenever I travel I try to bring something back that could go into the treasure chest—that way all of my mementoes are in one place. Among others, I have mardi gras beads that look like different sized pearls placed in gold colored sparkling sand, different sized coins that look like Spanish pieces-of eight in both gold and silver, sea shells and star fishes made of pretty art glass, paperweights that look like gemstones, a three inch gold alligator I bought in Florida, a necklace that looks like a running string of skulls and crossbones, and about a half dozen 1/2 inch carved amethyst fish--things that I’ve collected over a period of time and different vacations that I’ve bought go into the "treasure chest". It looks beautiful and everyone loves to ooh and ahh over those things all put together.
Do you have some things that she collects or memories of your time together? You can put them all together in a memory box of some sort to be displayed. You can also do an ongoing “love jar” filled with bits of paper...everyday write one thing that you love or appreciate about her and leave it in a jar...when she's not feeling particularly romanticized by you she can pull them out as she needs to and know that she is loved for who she is....but again, these are the kinds of things that would matter to me--she may have whole different set of things she likes and I feel you should ask her....
Obviously, I very much like the sensual. I like dancing so I might take a stripper's dance class--I took belly dancing lessons for lots of years--so that is in my repertoire. Emily likes naked yoga--and that is something you two could do together. I presumed since the two of you are married that there would be enough comfort with your bodies in front of each other that this wouldn't be an issue if you have a private yoga lesson. A nice warm bath afterwards soothing sore muscles could be a plus. One of my favorite books when I was doing Iyengar yoga years ago was a book of couple’s yoga--the pushing, pulling, stretching and connection are sexy... It's probably long out of print but if you can find it, it's called "Double Yoga" by Ganga White--and yes, they are clothed in it just in case you aren’t quite ready going natural.
Again, for me, I love the sensual so anything that titillates my senses in one way or another is romantic for me. New sights, new sounds, new touch--(think soft; silk, mink). (I’m blushing telling you this, but I've been naked in a mink coat.) New exotic smells, new experiences. Men don't typically like museums but women do so I might find something she might be interested in and spend a day learning...does she have an interest in cooking? You might take a class together. Kneed and bake bread together; make it playful--toss flour at her, squish the dough through her fingers...and always share what you've cooked; here's what I mean.
I once had dinner with a guy who was not a romantic interest but we knew each other as friends--neither of us were particularly hungry so we shared dinner together off of one plate. There we were in this nice restaurant in San Francisco overlooking the bridge, dimmed lights and eating off of one plate and I had to stop myself all night long from wanting to kiss him. There was something so primal about his sharing of HIS food, HIS plate with me and at that time I was a even a vegan vegetarian…we had meat and I joyfully ate it…primal, torn, fleshy meat, killed, cooked, shared…that moment was something that I have never forgotten and would love the experience of doing again.
And since you know that I love the science behind love and attraction, I’ll give you another reason for doing this...the testosterone that fuels both of your sex drives is found heavily in saliva....if she happens to get some of the juices from your mouth into hers by sharing the food, chances are pretty good that (fill in the blank.....wink).
I've had hot air balloon rides at dawn (cold)--but dusk is equally romantic with a champagne picnic afterwards--fruit, nuts, cheeses. If champagne isn't in the budget a lovely braqueto d’asti with chocolate, strawberries or raspberries. Moscato d'asti is good with cheeses, grapes crusty breads, pate. (Dessert wine is delish IF she's not going to rehab--lol.) Of course make the chocolates good chocolates (I ordered some Godiva yesterday so my mind is going there). Make her lingerie made of silk not some cheap polyester with lace that is so stiff it hurts...if you can afford it, French or Italian lingerie are to die for…but most of all, make it all fun.
In the meantime, something low budget I would suggest that the two of you share religious experiences together...go to whatever church the two of you belong to...again, sharing the experience is what is important to keep the glue between you. Spirituality is far more important to woman as a general rule then it is for men--and that is why--at least in my religion it is the woman who is responsible for her child's religious upbringing...not her husband...she might pick up some family values as a bonus... find a place where you both feel comfortable....it is one of the ways couples bond--through the shared experience of a higher reason for their being together.
Did you get married through a religious or civil ceremony? I know you aren't feeling like this is an example of romance, but it is--the marriages that I know of that are incredibly strong are ones that have this shared religious experience. I’m not even saying that you need to be of the same religion, but being together in a place of holiness binds your souls to one another--you and her standing before God and your community as a couple. I would not discount this out as a romantic experience to be shared...as she may have very few "married women" role models...but watching the other women be a part of a community with their husbands at their sides might be something that she is willing to emulate. Hold her hand through the service; you will feel connected.
I'm a big believer of marriage should entered in to from the perspective of choice-- "I choose you to be my lover every day for the rest of my life”. What I feel are great ideas may not rock her or her levels of love, lust or sensuality. I’m also a big believer that lust and sensuality is a two way street. Be mindful of that. She doesn't get to sit back and not bring anything to the table because you will feel exhausted for having over-given and gotten little to nothing in return--I just don't know what HER level of motivation is right now.
I understand where you're coming from having spent 10 years with this woman BUT she has just proven herself to be untrustworthy. And I’m advising you the same way I would advise my own family member to start over--but watch her very carefully. Commit to the relationship because right now you’re are starting from zero all over again...any trust you had in her is gone and rebuilding that is going to happen over time. I wouldn't ever say that a person doesn't deserve a second chance---but not a third.
You asked about the fantasy journaling; women may very well be more embarrassed than not telling you verbally what their fantasies are...but leave her alone with her journal, and in her own time she will open up a world of desire that you didn't even know existed in her. A few weeks ago I read "The Kosher Sutra". What I found fascinating was there was actually another man--besides Chris Rock--who KNOWS that a woman is far more sexual than a man...that her fantasies are far more vivid, far more giving of herself, far more adventurous in wanting to explore both of you than you could ever give her have imagined...
Since you are still looking for romantic gestures, I’ve thought about naming a star after her and going to the planetarium to find it...having black and white photographs done of the two of you together—hugging, kissing each other wrapped up just in a plain white sheet. Having rings engraved with a saying that means something to you both (the same ring--different sizes), make up a scrap book or object of memories of your life together. I have a tall footed cylinder vase with a top on it. (They are readily available everywhere-- you can buy them where you buy kitchen gadgets or even craft stores) that I keep what I call my sea treasures in. It’s not shaped like a treasure chest but in it I have all sorts of things that you might find in a treasure chest--as I LOVE the beach.
Instead of ending up with drawers full of faded tee-shirts, whenever I travel I try to bring something back that could go into the treasure chest—that way all of my mementoes are in one place. Among others, I have mardi gras beads that look like different sized pearls placed in gold colored sparkling sand, different sized coins that look like Spanish pieces-of eight in both gold and silver, sea shells and star fishes made of pretty art glass, paperweights that look like gemstones, a three inch gold alligator I bought in Florida, a necklace that looks like a running string of skulls and crossbones, and about a half dozen 1/2 inch carved amethyst fish--things that I’ve collected over a period of time and different vacations that I’ve bought go into the "treasure chest". It looks beautiful and everyone loves to ooh and ahh over those things all put together.
Do you have some things that she collects or memories of your time together? You can put them all together in a memory box of some sort to be displayed. You can also do an ongoing “love jar” filled with bits of paper...everyday write one thing that you love or appreciate about her and leave it in a jar...when she's not feeling particularly romanticized by you she can pull them out as she needs to and know that she is loved for who she is....but again, these are the kinds of things that would matter to me--she may have whole different set of things she likes and I feel you should ask her....
Obviously, I very much like the sensual. I like dancing so I might take a stripper's dance class--I took belly dancing lessons for lots of years--so that is in my repertoire. Emily likes naked yoga--and that is something you two could do together. I presumed since the two of you are married that there would be enough comfort with your bodies in front of each other that this wouldn't be an issue if you have a private yoga lesson. A nice warm bath afterwards soothing sore muscles could be a plus. One of my favorite books when I was doing Iyengar yoga years ago was a book of couple’s yoga--the pushing, pulling, stretching and connection are sexy... It's probably long out of print but if you can find it, it's called "Double Yoga" by Ganga White--and yes, they are clothed in it just in case you aren’t quite ready going natural.
Again, for me, I love the sensual so anything that titillates my senses in one way or another is romantic for me. New sights, new sounds, new touch--(think soft; silk, mink). (I’m blushing telling you this, but I've been naked in a mink coat.) New exotic smells, new experiences. Men don't typically like museums but women do so I might find something she might be interested in and spend a day learning...does she have an interest in cooking? You might take a class together. Kneed and bake bread together; make it playful--toss flour at her, squish the dough through her fingers...and always share what you've cooked; here's what I mean.
I once had dinner with a guy who was not a romantic interest but we knew each other as friends--neither of us were particularly hungry so we shared dinner together off of one plate. There we were in this nice restaurant in San Francisco overlooking the bridge, dimmed lights and eating off of one plate and I had to stop myself all night long from wanting to kiss him. There was something so primal about his sharing of HIS food, HIS plate with me and at that time I was a even a vegan vegetarian…we had meat and I joyfully ate it…primal, torn, fleshy meat, killed, cooked, shared…that moment was something that I have never forgotten and would love the experience of doing again.
And since you know that I love the science behind love and attraction, I’ll give you another reason for doing this...the testosterone that fuels both of your sex drives is found heavily in saliva....if she happens to get some of the juices from your mouth into hers by sharing the food, chances are pretty good that (fill in the blank.....wink).
I've had hot air balloon rides at dawn (cold)--but dusk is equally romantic with a champagne picnic afterwards--fruit, nuts, cheeses. If champagne isn't in the budget a lovely braqueto d’asti with chocolate, strawberries or raspberries. Moscato d'asti is good with cheeses, grapes crusty breads, pate. (Dessert wine is delish IF she's not going to rehab--lol.) Of course make the chocolates good chocolates (I ordered some Godiva yesterday so my mind is going there). Make her lingerie made of silk not some cheap polyester with lace that is so stiff it hurts...if you can afford it, French or Italian lingerie are to die for…but most of all, make it all fun.
In the meantime, something low budget I would suggest that the two of you share religious experiences together...go to whatever church the two of you belong to...again, sharing the experience is what is important to keep the glue between you. Spirituality is far more important to woman as a general rule then it is for men--and that is why--at least in my religion it is the woman who is responsible for her child's religious upbringing...not her husband...she might pick up some family values as a bonus... find a place where you both feel comfortable....it is one of the ways couples bond--through the shared experience of a higher reason for their being together.
Did you get married through a religious or civil ceremony? I know you aren't feeling like this is an example of romance, but it is--the marriages that I know of that are incredibly strong are ones that have this shared religious experience. I’m not even saying that you need to be of the same religion, but being together in a place of holiness binds your souls to one another--you and her standing before God and your community as a couple. I would not discount this out as a romantic experience to be shared...as she may have very few "married women" role models...but watching the other women be a part of a community with their husbands at their sides might be something that she is willing to emulate. Hold her hand through the service; you will feel connected.
I'm a big believer of marriage should entered in to from the perspective of choice-- "I choose you to be my lover every day for the rest of my life”. What I feel are great ideas may not rock her or her levels of love, lust or sensuality. I’m also a big believer that lust and sensuality is a two way street. Be mindful of that. She doesn't get to sit back and not bring anything to the table because you will feel exhausted for having over-given and gotten little to nothing in return--I just don't know what HER level of motivation is right now.
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