Long story short to avoid “eff reading all that” - Been with wife for over 10 years, married for about 4. She's been feeling devoid of comfort and romance and me being a "good husband." I have never cheated on her and am very nice to her. It's something else. She wants effort, romance and some intangible stuff that does not come as second nature to me. I agree that I need to make these improvements and am really want to do right by her. Things I know I can do more: buy her flowers more often, plan things together more, cook for her more, clean up the house more. She is a neat freak and I always think that I have upped my game considerably and I am more clean then almost everyone I know around the house but am willing to take even more initiative to meet her standards. So lay it on me, explain to a romantic idiot the things that a woman needs and how to accomplish them. I will be taking notes and will report back - this is not a quick fix. And I know, if you have to ask, it's already too late, I'm a huge pussy, and I should end it now with a fine piece from XYZ’s collection (not). Thanks in advance for your comments.
Here's what a woman wants--nut shelled--she wants to FEEL cherished, protected and provided for.You cherish her when after a long day you tell her you’re the one doing the cooking, cleaning and taking care of her. This is her time off because you want to SHOW HER that you appreciate how hard SHE WORKS.Cook or take her out for her favorite meal, take her shoes off, massage her feet. Draw a bubble bath for her and bathe her. Shut off the lights, light candles and slow dance with her barefoot in the living room. LISTEN to her bitch or complain about something and here's the important part DO NOT TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM FOR HER unless she asks.
Men don't understand this, but a woman needs to verbally get it all out and all we really want is someone to listen--not to give advice, not to handle it for her--but just to listen--and no matter how much she needs to verbally get it out--no matter how many times she needs to "talk about it", just hold the garbage bucket in front of her and let her talk/toss it out until she’s done....She'll FEEL so much better and thank you for just being there.
Two more hints to a woman's heart. If you can afford it--take her on a one, two, three, surprise...we're taking one suitcase, we're leaving in 2 hours, going away for 3 days--all appointments cancelled. Have the kids taken care of; have your stuff already packed so you can help her do a grab-n-go. Not only will she love you for doing that, it will re-electrify the air with excitement of romance, sex and possibility....if you can throw in something adventurous that she's never done before like zip line through the jungles of Costa Rica--all the better...horseback ride on the beach...couples massages....
Have different kinds of sex with her--try tantric sex--where she sits straddling you, with you inside of her...you stare into each other's eyes without saying a word, you breath diametrically opposed breath--she breaths in, you breath out. delay your orgasm--this is about physical connection.Begin a fantasy journal with each other--you both write in it--you leave it in a place where you both can read it--you both write--you surprise each other with the fantasy--you write your feelings about the experience in the journal and whether or not you'd like do it again. Make it a nice leather bound book--make the book a gift...
Let me bottom line this, she's feeling bored and unappreciated--show her that you care by wooing her over and over--that's what she wants from you--the feeling that she had when your love was new--date her, seduce her with different experiences than she's having...If you normally have sex in the bedroom, have it somewhere else--ravage her with desire, take her out to a bar and role play that you don't know each other--watch other men come on to her and buy her drinks before you sweep in to seduce her--and get frisky in the car. While she's out spend a day re-doing the bedroom--buy new curtains, pillows, candles--spend the day washing ironing and putting them up so they don't have that awful new fabric smell. Keep the door to your bedroom closed until you can seduce her with the surprise of the change....Try a girly romantic look if she likes that or an Arabian nights theme with hot pinks or oranges and reds...feed each other with finger food on golden plates--right in the middle of the bed....light candles...share ONE GLASS of wine...raise the glass to her lips and let her drink while you stare at her...or "candy kiss" her with wine...Do you know what i mean? Put the wine in your mouth and as you kiss her transfer the wine from your mouth into hers.....listen to belly dancing music...be sensual...and what I mean by that is to use all five senses to seduce her...touch, sound, sight, smell and taste--she's wants the whole experience...and lucky you, she's asking YOU and not going out to find it in another man...In advance, you're welcome....
Oh, and by the way, while the seduction process is going on, it would be great if you used as few words as possible--let me give you the biological reasons to do so....you've heard of left-brained and right-brained dominance, correct? THINKING is left brained, FEELING is right brained...so if she's thinking about what you're saying to her, she's not FEELING what you're trying to accomplish....music is background and once you're heart's get pumping, she won't hear it anyway.....try to spend an hour looking at her, smiling at her, touching her, feeding her but not talking to her--trust me, she'll feel more connected than any words you could possibly say to her....
(my heartfelt responses were:)
1. I think R answered everything.
2. Good or bad we all fall into a routine, men and women alike. breaking up that routine is really what we're all after.
3. Crazy.I'm going through this with the wife of 22 years. I've been instinctively doing almost everything R is saying in the above post.
Very, very, very good for you....it warms my heart when I hear a man say 'instinctively"..I'm all smiles on this end of the keyboard...
4. Love has been completely renewed.I feel like a 22 year old kid again. She is also meeting EVERY need and desire I have. Absolutely amazing time in my life right now...
5. TTT. Thanks R. For the women who aren't whores, this is great stuff.
6. R - Holy fuck...great list! Will have to remember that if i ever take the plunge.
You don't need to be plunged to do this...when you find a woman who is rocking your world, this is the way to have her give you her heart....I don't really watch the bachelor/bachelorette series on TV--I think it's cruel to put a bunch of people together and have watch/know the object of their desire is out kissing and being emotionally intimate with other people that you're forced to live with and then hear the stories being shared--uggghh--but my point is there is a reason those dates take place doing varied exotic things in those locations--it's not for the prurience of good TV but it is the "experiential closeness" that breeds romantic love between two people. There's not a woman in the world who's every going to prefer a 2:00 pm first "date" over a cup of coffee at starbucks over a candle lit dinner. One holds all the sexual spark of a job interview (eye roll), the other has the promise of romance and seduction...
7. R, thank you. I consider all of the real women and the pretend women brothers as well. Truth be told, I am a '01er who is embarrassed to use my real account for this thread. I have a post graduate degree which I put to use directly for a couple of years and have been working with my family on our business for the past 4-5. She feels that I am taking the easy road and it has not paid off. We're in a lot of student loan debt and she feels that she has lost respect for me and that my drive to be successful and take care of her is all but gone. I get it. I have been really taking a chance with our business which is growing nicely but not providing enough money or stability to make either one of us secure. I have rededicated my efforts to find other full tie employment that I can feel good about and plan to participate in the business with whatever free time I have in addition to that. The job market is really tough these days especially for someone who's been in a family business for the past 4-5 years. I am taking all of the good advice to heart and actually did give her a foot massage the other day which I have never done. My parents divorced when I was 19 but were emotionally done with each other since I can remember and just stayed together because at the time money was very good and they thought it was better for the kids. So I never saw the kind of stuff that my wife expects and deserved growing up besides in movies. Also, I don't see any of my guy friends doing any better than me in this respect, so I need actual advice for someone with the best of intentions but who is somewhat romantically handicapped. I'm sure a lot of others could use the same advice. Thank you again and keep it coming.
8. Thanks for a woman's perspective.
9. You should check out Robert Greene's book Art of Seduction
I love this book! To all of you guys who wanted my love and support--thank you- it's nice to find my little pockets of appreciation--so big hugs to all of you.
Leigh and I have always been on polar opposites when it comes to relationships and what he fails to recognize is that as a married women she expects that the games he likes to play are far behind her. A woman who isn't cherished, appreciated or provided for will tire of the endless childishness of chasing and find a man who will give her what she needs without begging for it.Bottom line is that what you wife NEEDS from you is what I call an "intermittent girlfriend experience". She wants you to treat her like she's your girlfriend---BUT as a man you cannot give her a steady diet of this. Her heart--her loving experiences of you, her--thoughts and memories and sexual desire and experience MUST be deviated. Repetition in a marriage dulls it--and that is why you must change the places, scents, clothing and sexual scenarios. It is the changes/excitement that will keep her GLUED to you. No other man can possibly compare to the rush she has with you. There is even research (and the reason I mentioned the zip line in Costa Rica) that any adrenaline rushed experience--such as bungee jumping, her being frightened by a roller coaster ride, etc. all set off a chemical reaction that both increases attraction and sexual desire.
My recommendation is that around once per month she gets 'the surprise". If you guys keep "the secret fantasy" journal, you'll learn how to please her and to fulfill her without going too far astray--although I would encourage you to try new things that aren't in there--again, it's the element of surprise. I'm not sure of what your wife does for a living, but if you can get her time off without her knowing, it's all the better..."Baby, you're not going back to work after lunch...." dead hot...
10. Original Poster, listen to R, she knows what the hell she is talking about.
11. fabulous...i love you
love you too!
And one more thing--since you've mentioned money being tight--you don't need to spend a lot doing this...I'm on the east coast and we've had lots of crappy weather for weeks--if you're in snow take her outside at midnight with a thermos of hot cocoa and mini marshmallows...kiss her hands and draw her close...stare at the stars together...whisper her name into her ear...stay outside until you're both freezing....how many times in a woman's lifetime does a man stand in the snow and whisper her name?
12. Wow, I want everything that R has described!! Oh write poems and no do not copy one out of a book. Write a poem from your own thoughts. Girls like that kinda shit.
I'll give you all a couple more--for the single guys, a mixed bouquet of all white flowers. no red roses, pink is sweet, but the purity of all white will do something else to her....maybe it's the reminder of the possibility of a wedding bouquet...maybe it's the unsullied virginal color....but mixed white will take her breath away.... (just no daisies)
For my married original poster, surprise her with a reproduction of her wedding bouquet....it might be smaller due to finances, but bring your wedding picture to a local florist and have them put one together. She picked her flowers carefully...just like you...it'll mean the world to her...especially special on an anniversary....it tells her that you'd marry her all over again...
Surprise recommitment vows/ceremony is also wonderful...
Remember it's all about treating her like a girlfriend not a wife...and the surprises should also come at surprise times--I know I said about once per month, but that should also vary so she's not expecting it. Maybe two weeks in a row or wait 6 weeks....right now she's begging for connection...run your fingers through her hair while you're kissing her if you normally don't...
Wrap a beach towel around her, step into it and pulling the towel tight behind you so that she can't move--your bodies pressed against each other. This is especially hot if you're in a pool together...if it becomes more intimate, all the better, no one can see what the two of you are doing behind a pulled skin tight towel....
13. The wedding bouquet idea is very nice. Your suggestions and advice are helping me already. Gave another foot massage tonight for over an hour. I took her to a museum and a movie this weekend and we are working things out. Thank you. Don't stop.
Here's what a woman wants--nut shelled--she wants to FEEL cherished, protected and provided for.You cherish her when after a long day you tell her you’re the one doing the cooking, cleaning and taking care of her. This is her time off because you want to SHOW HER that you appreciate how hard SHE WORKS.Cook or take her out for her favorite meal, take her shoes off, massage her feet. Draw a bubble bath for her and bathe her. Shut off the lights, light candles and slow dance with her barefoot in the living room. LISTEN to her bitch or complain about something and here's the important part DO NOT TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM FOR HER unless she asks.
Men don't understand this, but a woman needs to verbally get it all out and all we really want is someone to listen--not to give advice, not to handle it for her--but just to listen--and no matter how much she needs to verbally get it out--no matter how many times she needs to "talk about it", just hold the garbage bucket in front of her and let her talk/toss it out until she’s done....She'll FEEL so much better and thank you for just being there.
Two more hints to a woman's heart. If you can afford it--take her on a one, two, three, surprise...we're taking one suitcase, we're leaving in 2 hours, going away for 3 days--all appointments cancelled. Have the kids taken care of; have your stuff already packed so you can help her do a grab-n-go. Not only will she love you for doing that, it will re-electrify the air with excitement of romance, sex and possibility....if you can throw in something adventurous that she's never done before like zip line through the jungles of Costa Rica--all the better...horseback ride on the beach...couples massages....
Have different kinds of sex with her--try tantric sex--where she sits straddling you, with you inside of her...you stare into each other's eyes without saying a word, you breath diametrically opposed breath--she breaths in, you breath out. delay your orgasm--this is about physical connection.Begin a fantasy journal with each other--you both write in it--you leave it in a place where you both can read it--you both write--you surprise each other with the fantasy--you write your feelings about the experience in the journal and whether or not you'd like do it again. Make it a nice leather bound book--make the book a gift...
Let me bottom line this, she's feeling bored and unappreciated--show her that you care by wooing her over and over--that's what she wants from you--the feeling that she had when your love was new--date her, seduce her with different experiences than she's having...If you normally have sex in the bedroom, have it somewhere else--ravage her with desire, take her out to a bar and role play that you don't know each other--watch other men come on to her and buy her drinks before you sweep in to seduce her--and get frisky in the car. While she's out spend a day re-doing the bedroom--buy new curtains, pillows, candles--spend the day washing ironing and putting them up so they don't have that awful new fabric smell. Keep the door to your bedroom closed until you can seduce her with the surprise of the change....Try a girly romantic look if she likes that or an Arabian nights theme with hot pinks or oranges and reds...feed each other with finger food on golden plates--right in the middle of the bed....light candles...share ONE GLASS of wine...raise the glass to her lips and let her drink while you stare at her...or "candy kiss" her with wine...Do you know what i mean? Put the wine in your mouth and as you kiss her transfer the wine from your mouth into hers.....listen to belly dancing music...be sensual...and what I mean by that is to use all five senses to seduce her...touch, sound, sight, smell and taste--she's wants the whole experience...and lucky you, she's asking YOU and not going out to find it in another man...In advance, you're welcome....
Oh, and by the way, while the seduction process is going on, it would be great if you used as few words as possible--let me give you the biological reasons to do so....you've heard of left-brained and right-brained dominance, correct? THINKING is left brained, FEELING is right brained...so if she's thinking about what you're saying to her, she's not FEELING what you're trying to accomplish....music is background and once you're heart's get pumping, she won't hear it anyway.....try to spend an hour looking at her, smiling at her, touching her, feeding her but not talking to her--trust me, she'll feel more connected than any words you could possibly say to her....
(my heartfelt responses were:)
1. I think R answered everything.
2. Good or bad we all fall into a routine, men and women alike. breaking up that routine is really what we're all after.
3. Crazy.I'm going through this with the wife of 22 years. I've been instinctively doing almost everything R is saying in the above post.
Very, very, very good for you....it warms my heart when I hear a man say 'instinctively"..I'm all smiles on this end of the keyboard...
4. Love has been completely renewed.I feel like a 22 year old kid again. She is also meeting EVERY need and desire I have. Absolutely amazing time in my life right now...
5. TTT. Thanks R. For the women who aren't whores, this is great stuff.
6. R - Holy fuck...great list! Will have to remember that if i ever take the plunge.
You don't need to be plunged to do this...when you find a woman who is rocking your world, this is the way to have her give you her heart....I don't really watch the bachelor/bachelorette series on TV--I think it's cruel to put a bunch of people together and have watch/know the object of their desire is out kissing and being emotionally intimate with other people that you're forced to live with and then hear the stories being shared--uggghh--but my point is there is a reason those dates take place doing varied exotic things in those locations--it's not for the prurience of good TV but it is the "experiential closeness" that breeds romantic love between two people. There's not a woman in the world who's every going to prefer a 2:00 pm first "date" over a cup of coffee at starbucks over a candle lit dinner. One holds all the sexual spark of a job interview (eye roll), the other has the promise of romance and seduction...
7. R, thank you. I consider all of the real women and the pretend women brothers as well. Truth be told, I am a '01er who is embarrassed to use my real account for this thread. I have a post graduate degree which I put to use directly for a couple of years and have been working with my family on our business for the past 4-5. She feels that I am taking the easy road and it has not paid off. We're in a lot of student loan debt and she feels that she has lost respect for me and that my drive to be successful and take care of her is all but gone. I get it. I have been really taking a chance with our business which is growing nicely but not providing enough money or stability to make either one of us secure. I have rededicated my efforts to find other full tie employment that I can feel good about and plan to participate in the business with whatever free time I have in addition to that. The job market is really tough these days especially for someone who's been in a family business for the past 4-5 years. I am taking all of the good advice to heart and actually did give her a foot massage the other day which I have never done. My parents divorced when I was 19 but were emotionally done with each other since I can remember and just stayed together because at the time money was very good and they thought it was better for the kids. So I never saw the kind of stuff that my wife expects and deserved growing up besides in movies. Also, I don't see any of my guy friends doing any better than me in this respect, so I need actual advice for someone with the best of intentions but who is somewhat romantically handicapped. I'm sure a lot of others could use the same advice. Thank you again and keep it coming.
8. Thanks for a woman's perspective.
9. You should check out Robert Greene's book Art of Seduction
I love this book! To all of you guys who wanted my love and support--thank you- it's nice to find my little pockets of appreciation--so big hugs to all of you.
Leigh and I have always been on polar opposites when it comes to relationships and what he fails to recognize is that as a married women she expects that the games he likes to play are far behind her. A woman who isn't cherished, appreciated or provided for will tire of the endless childishness of chasing and find a man who will give her what she needs without begging for it.Bottom line is that what you wife NEEDS from you is what I call an "intermittent girlfriend experience". She wants you to treat her like she's your girlfriend---BUT as a man you cannot give her a steady diet of this. Her heart--her loving experiences of you, her--thoughts and memories and sexual desire and experience MUST be deviated. Repetition in a marriage dulls it--and that is why you must change the places, scents, clothing and sexual scenarios. It is the changes/excitement that will keep her GLUED to you. No other man can possibly compare to the rush she has with you. There is even research (and the reason I mentioned the zip line in Costa Rica) that any adrenaline rushed experience--such as bungee jumping, her being frightened by a roller coaster ride, etc. all set off a chemical reaction that both increases attraction and sexual desire.
My recommendation is that around once per month she gets 'the surprise". If you guys keep "the secret fantasy" journal, you'll learn how to please her and to fulfill her without going too far astray--although I would encourage you to try new things that aren't in there--again, it's the element of surprise. I'm not sure of what your wife does for a living, but if you can get her time off without her knowing, it's all the better..."Baby, you're not going back to work after lunch...." dead hot...
10. Original Poster, listen to R, she knows what the hell she is talking about.
11. fabulous...i love you
love you too!
And one more thing--since you've mentioned money being tight--you don't need to spend a lot doing this...I'm on the east coast and we've had lots of crappy weather for weeks--if you're in snow take her outside at midnight with a thermos of hot cocoa and mini marshmallows...kiss her hands and draw her close...stare at the stars together...whisper her name into her ear...stay outside until you're both freezing....how many times in a woman's lifetime does a man stand in the snow and whisper her name?
12. Wow, I want everything that R has described!! Oh write poems and no do not copy one out of a book. Write a poem from your own thoughts. Girls like that kinda shit.
I'll give you all a couple more--for the single guys, a mixed bouquet of all white flowers. no red roses, pink is sweet, but the purity of all white will do something else to her....maybe it's the reminder of the possibility of a wedding bouquet...maybe it's the unsullied virginal color....but mixed white will take her breath away.... (just no daisies)
For my married original poster, surprise her with a reproduction of her wedding bouquet....it might be smaller due to finances, but bring your wedding picture to a local florist and have them put one together. She picked her flowers carefully...just like you...it'll mean the world to her...especially special on an anniversary....it tells her that you'd marry her all over again...
Surprise recommitment vows/ceremony is also wonderful...
Remember it's all about treating her like a girlfriend not a wife...and the surprises should also come at surprise times--I know I said about once per month, but that should also vary so she's not expecting it. Maybe two weeks in a row or wait 6 weeks....right now she's begging for connection...run your fingers through her hair while you're kissing her if you normally don't...
Wrap a beach towel around her, step into it and pulling the towel tight behind you so that she can't move--your bodies pressed against each other. This is especially hot if you're in a pool together...if it becomes more intimate, all the better, no one can see what the two of you are doing behind a pulled skin tight towel....
13. The wedding bouquet idea is very nice. Your suggestions and advice are helping me already. Gave another foot massage tonight for over an hour. I took her to a museum and a movie this weekend and we are working things out. Thank you. Don't stop.
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