War Changes Everything

I wondered if when Scarlett asks Rhett, in Gone With the Wind "Where shall I go? What shall I do?" and he replys "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn", if that was the first place that I can remember War changing everything. Was that the first instance of the changing tide that women's lives would never be the same? Scarlett had always had the the loving shelter of a man's protection, then in a moment, it was gone.

I finished reading Alison Armstrong's book. She is of the opinion that during World War II woman working for the war effort realized they were doing something important--more important than tending the hearth and home. The Rosie the Riveter advertising campaigns showing a woman flexing her bicep. with the verbiage 'we can do it' recruited two million women into America's workforce. The underlying message was that social change needed to bring women out of the home and into the workforce was not only asked for, but required as a patriotic duty for both employers and soon to be former homemakers. However, when men returned from the war and needed to normalize their lives, the women in them no longer revered a home life as something more important than impacting the lives of thousands, if not millions. Being a home maker was no longer good enough. While men, in their NEED to have their women be happy gave up a part of themselves, the part of their being that had the pride of providing for their wives and children.

It's been fun for me to have the luxury of watching some old television shows. I've watched a few episodes of Gidget--done in the 1960's and some Burns and Allen done in the 1950's. With the popularity of the newer shows such as Mad Men and Pan Am...it is so apparent how differently girls became women and women became women's women. How they dressed, how the walked, how they carried themselves. I watch the gloved hands poses and poised as the Pan Am stewardesses walk with their blue bag carry on's through the airport. And yes, they were stewardesses, not 'flight attendants'. I had one of those blue bags when I was little. A neighbor worked for Pan Am...and I can remember being excited to have gotten a gift of pin with wings.

I like observation...at it's purest. I guess it was my background of being an Art director for all of those years. It was about noticing and nuance. And I've had more training in neurolinguistics that might ever had chosen were I not circumstantially taught.  In my world, back then, it was perfect, or it wasn't. No shades of gray...ever. The shades of gray are life's disappointments, lesser than what you would have wanted. The shades of gray are settling. The shades of gray are less than you would have hoped for. Perhaps that is what led me here, an awareness of better choices that could be made. What fascinates me is the inherent changing of who we are--a washing over with chatter and feeling centered numbing of who we are at our core before we're even fully developed as men and woman. Perhaps that has been the point of all of the war machine propaganda. Joe Jackson has lyrics in his song Real Men that say:

Take your mind back - I don't know when
Sometime when it always seemed
To be just us and them
Girls that wore pink
And boys that wore blue
Boys that always grew up better men
Than me and you

What's a man now - what's a man mean
Is he rough or is he rugged
Is he cultural and clean
Now it's all change - it's got to change more
'cause we think it's getting better
But nobody's really sure

And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are...
And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are

Time to get scared - time to change plan
Don't know how to treat a lady
Don't know how to be a man
Time to admit - what you call defeat
'cause there's women running past you now
And you just drag your feet

Man makes a gun - man goes to war
Man can kill and man can drink
And man can take a whore
Kill all the blacks - kill all the reds
And if there's war between the sexes
Then there'll be no people left

And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are

He's emotionally and painfully aware of the lack of honor, loyalty and pride that's missing. He's able to recognize with some sense of loss that somewhere, somehow, someone didn't teach him what he not only know, but use in his everyday life as a code of behavior....when little girls wore pink, and little boys wore blue and other boys who grew up to be better men than me and you.

Old-fashioned pins. Safety pins with pink or blue plastic colored heads for cloth diapers, a gift of a pair of flight wings, and a time when a man 'pinned' a girl he was going steady with as some fraternal pre-engagement ritual; she got his letterman jacket, his ring, his ID bracelet and ultimately his pin....it was a symbol that meant something to the man who gave it and the acceptance of the woman that received it.

It was just before my time. And then the War changed everything...just as it always has. France before the revolution, the World Wars and woman's place being in the home instead of in factories while their husbands were away at war. Everyone affected ends up 'different'. The Viet Nam war changed women as much as it did men. Not only was the advent of artificial birth control give women what they felt to be power in providing 'free-love' it also gave the men the power to treat women more like prostitutes than not. Men could walk away from a sexual encounter with 'had a nice time' or 'that was fun' with no more afterthought of that woman than he might have with a hooker; but at least the hooker was given some money while the one nigh stand was left confused. What was once a considered behavior poor enough to be outcast from 'proper society'; bastard children, cloistered pregnancies with women sent to 'homes for wayward girls' or convents until they gave birth..while their parents concocted stories of their summer abroad were replaced by 'love-children'. Today they don't even get the courtesy of the pretense of 'love'..today it's 'my baby's mama or 'my babies daddy'...as if the human factor of touching, of connection, of needing intimacy had degraded to a cold baby making machine.

So men, by a combination of war and the full culpability of women abandoned a great deal of them. But I watch the women's pain, how they end up with the short end of the stick. Every Maury show with women crying their eyes out that some man...or one of a possible grouping of men...or a man they don't even know the sir name of, MIGHT be their child's father. And men, the majority of whom prey aren't the child's father sit and argue their 'right' to have dropped their seed because other men had, and left. While the women still hope for some relationship. I watch the crazy girls on Jerry Springer who beat each other up in displaced anger for having moved in on 'their man' while the men who they should be angry with sit back and enjoy the show.

Is it really possible in these women's lives that no one taught them to protect their virtue? Is it possible that no where did an adult say to them, that no, you are wrong to believe that that you can do anything like a man--including being sexually active and walk away from an encounter without any emotional pain. Sex for women is an inward motion. A woman has to allow a man to enter into her body. Enter her body that houses her mind, heart and soul. Is it possible that no where in her being that there was the forethought of being ashamed or of modesty before a virtual stranger? Some years ago a girlfriend and I were talking about how Jewish women wore wigs to cover the sensuality of their hair that might only be revealed to their husbands. Islamic women wear the burqa to cover their bodies in public.They are symbolic curtains to be drawn back by a man who has, by his actions, reserved the privilege of knowing a woman intimately.  She and I both decided that in it's allure, in it's inherent refusal, in it's desire for a man to know more, it is far sexier than not. In Genesis, Rebekah takes her veil and covers herself from a servant's master.

Before the war, (and you can either pick the Viet Nam war, or the War between the Sexes) the women in the 60's went to charm school and held out for nothing short of gentlemanly behavior. When a man asked her out, she responded: 'I'll think about it'....and she did.

I have to believe that when J. say to me that in some things, she just doesn't know better, but in some things she does. My heart breaks for every one of the women who somewhere in her soul knew better, but didn't behave better.

Welcome...We've moved!

After many trials, travails, stories and advice seeking by my friends, I've been encouraged to start a blog on dating and relationships--or rather an encouragement to return to a world old fashioned courtship, flirting and 'proper' behavior. Watching with sadness the degradation of the dating world of feminized men, hook-ups, and friends with benefits being acceptable but unfulfilled relationship habits, I've been inspired to let my stories and those of my friends unfold. With the rarest exception, no one really knows any longer how to behave.

I chose to use the words 'we've moved' instead of 'I've moved' because if it weren't for the questions, answers and feedback, I'm not sure if I would have chosen to have spent the time writing this. Yet, for as best as she could, my mother taught me how to  'inherit womanhood'. It was not enough. As best as I could, I've taught my non-biological daughters. For the friends that I've loved, I've written this down, just in case you forget.

The Taming of the Shrew

Michael's flirting continued this morning. I told him that the blog that I had written about  Tootsie Pops was up.

He said: Wow… I got excited reading that.. Very good, my love… very, very good… I will probably go back and read that several times before the day is over... Keeping in mind, that you WILL be tied down… Willingly or not… But my guess is………………. Willingly…

Me: You couldn't possibly be more wrong....

Him: Lol…… says you… we will see, my dear… We will see… Just for your comparing yourself to a cat… and being so nonchalant… But I have had a cat wandering around the outside of my house over the last several weeks… I have befriended her to the point that she (yes, she) now runs to me when she sees my car pull up… You will be tied… You will do it willingly… and you will thoroughly enjoy every second… and you WILL beg for more…XOXO

Me: You poor delusional man....

Him: We will see…. Me, delusional??? No…lol… You, unsuspecting??? Perhaps…

Me: Lol....you very much have the wrong girl...

Him: Hmmmmm….. I don’t think so… Do not knock something that you have not tried… Life is much too short…Maybe use my mind trick to convince you to be tied down, helpless to my whims…. ; )

So, M. changed his tactic....but not my mind. Momentarily,  he had softened his approach...he changed my amusement and my thoughts turned to Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew.

Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks, and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she, but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?

The truth is, that I for one, would love to find a man like Petruchio. Petruchio fought an epic battle to win Katherina's hand with her full acknowledgment of having chosen a life of married deference and obedience. Men fight steadfastly to convince--Shakespeare knew fully well it is in their nature, he begs Katherina to understand his values, while asking so little in return for his opportunity to love her. He knows what he is willing to provide for her; his position is certain and it would betray his sense of self not have offered all that could to her.

I see this today, when men who have been hurt by women say 'for the rest of her life, she would have wanting for nothing'.

Katherina on the other hand viewed her marriage as a chance to find harmony within a pre-planned societal role. I agree on both fronts.

On the one hand, I do believe that what is right for me, is a man who is the head of his/our household and wears the pants in all final decision making. What a woman gains from marriage is there is a status in being a wife that is far and above being a fiance and certainly above single-hood.  There has to be, if not obedience, certainly deference in a marriage or else you end up with two 'presidents of the corporation' going in opposite directions instead of allowing one of the partners to be the ultimate decision maker. Yes, of course there is input of feelings from the feminine energy partner, but the ultimate decision has to be made (I believe) by the masculine energy/dominant  partner--whether they are male or female.

There is a difference between being tied up and being tied down.... I prefer the latter.

Tootsie Pops

It started innocently enough...while I tried to finish my blog a few days ago, my favorite distraction desired my attention. I gladly gave it to him, but I told him that he would have to pay dearly for that later. He asked me for the link to my blog, and I said no. He’s a flirt and a worthy adversary; in fact, he knows exactly how to play with me.

I told him that for interrupting me the punishment of a ‘tickle fest’ might be in order. It may sound like fun, but tickling is torture for me---I hate it. And one of the little known facts about me is that I have a traveling tickle spot. Yes, it’s true, it travels. It’s about 5 inches in diameter and I never know where it’s going to show up or when.

I hadn’t heard from M. in a day and he wrote this morning that he thought that I might be mad at him…somehow we had missed a few of each other’s emails. We sorted it out and he responded:
‘Stupid misunderstanding on my part…I am on my knees begging forgiveness…. ; ) I am hoping you can picture the visual…I have to have it out the door by 10 AM… After that, let the tickle fest begin!!

Ohhh… one more thing.. Before the tickle fest begins, I will have to tie you to the bed with several of my silk ties… I hope you are not too ticklish… otherwise….. hmmmmmmm…’

I let him handle business, but I had noticed that my name was 'googled'—hot linked to my blog and I asked if he had done it. His answer was yes.

He wrote: ‘It was just the fact that you were writing a blog, made me want to read it… The fact that you wouldn’t give me the address, made me want to read it even more… you write very well and it kept my interest. I read back about a week’s worth.. Very “Sex in the City” vibe… which I was a fan of, btw… Anyway, I just got back from negotiating a job and should be here for the rest of the afternoon… Just one more question…. Silk ties or handcuffs??’

Me: ‘There isn't a chance I'd let you, or anyone else tie me...haven't you realized by now that I'm a feral female? It's rare that a man can catch wild monkey...sometimes I've been described as a lone wolf...although I particularly see myself at as a cat...I could lie in the sun and warm myself all day with breaks of just a stretch like a cat; cross my path while I'm lounging, and it’s a curt glance of ‘oh, it’s you’ then back to what I was doing..

And thanks for the SITC complement...it's not intentional; infact without ever reading my writing before, a guy that I know once said to me 'you're like one of those cool Sex and the City chicks and so different from how I remembered you all of those years ago.'

Him: ‘Ohhh… You’re getting tied, young lady… You just don’t know it yet.. You can be whatever you want to be, but you will be tied and tickled until you can stand no more… and it is at that point I will provide more… Your powers are useless against me…’

Me: ‘No sir, you are very much mistaken. Has your time on the site not taught you that I cannot be constrained? But for your edification, I HATE to be tickled. Massaged and caressed all day long yes, please and thank--but tickled? That’s torture...AND I'm reserving that special hell for you...’

Him: Ohhh.. and you haven’t been able to be restrained… only because you haven’t met someone like me… You will succumb and agree to be tied down… and then tickled… but just for a few minutes… just enough to aggravate you.. .and then you will be massaged and caressed to make up for the tickling… It will only leave you begging for more… But you only get more if you are good… REALLY good…’

Me: ‘Again, you ask for the impossible from me...I will never agree to your demands!’

Him: ‘Not impossible… improbable, perhaps… but not impossible…ohhh… and you WILL agree to my demands….. You will see…. Just the thought of being tied down and helpless… helpless to stop me unbuttoning one button at a time…. Slowly sliding a zipper down… you will see… ‘

Me: ‘There aren't enough Brazilian jiu jitsu moves on the planet to have me succumb...within me courses the blood of a warrior...”

Him: ‘Warriors have vulnerabilities… and I am an expert at identifying them… But to answer your first remark, there ARE enough BJJ moves to make you succumb… multiple times… You will willingly agree to be tied down and be subjected to what I have to offer…”

Me: ‘N E V E R !!!’

Him: ‘Your mouth says never, but your quivering body says, yes, yes, yes…’

Me: ‘Lol...you are a brat.’

Him: ‘Now you realize where I got my nickname… You are like a tootsie-pop… hard on the outside, but very soft on the inside… You will be begging me to tie you down…. Trust me…’ ‘Just one question… How many licks to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?? ; P’

Me: Oh my!

Him: ‘I guess I will have to find out for myself, huh??’

Me: ‘Perhaps.’

[And there you have it. Smack dab in the middle of my flirtation; a new found respect for a man who actually sees me. I’ve been described similarly before…once as an Oreo cookie…hard on the outside and sweet, soft and mushy inside…once I was described as inside-out...that a woman should be soft on the outside and hard on the inside and I was the complete opposite.]

Knowing that he reads my blog…

Him: ‘Today’s entry was a very good read.. I enjoyed it… It amazes me how much thought you put into the simplest things in life… and I think THAT is what gets you the hate on the site.. Most are younger males and think with their smaller head… What am I saying?? I do too…lol… You go into the dynamics between men and women… and that can be a very gray area… But the male of the species only thinks things are black or white… It would be comparable to back in high school.. If a “smart” kid got into an argument with a “not so smart” kid and began beating him up with knowledge, the “not so smart” kid would reply with a punch in the nose…. And that is what the “not so smart” children of the site are doing to you…. You are too educated for most of them to argue with you, so they revert back to their Neanderthal upbringings… and punch you in the nose… That is it in a nutshell… That was why I became involved in the martial arts about 25 years ago… I wanted to be able to safely play on either field… We can verbally joust or we can throw down… I am prepared for either choice…’

Me: And so you see my torture...I, too, live straddled between both world not living fully in either. The hard exterior, the soft interior...the battle that is endless between my head and my heart that finds a home here... It reminds me of the song ‘Chim Chim Cheree’ song Performed by Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins where the chimney sweep talk about living ‘When there's (h)ardly no day, Nor (h)ardly no night; There's things (h)alf in shadow, and   (h)alf way in light.’ Or perhaps in Memoirs of A Geisha when they say ‘To a man, geisha can only be half a wife. We are the wives of nightfall.’ ‘Geisha are not courtesans. And we are not wives. We sell our skills, not our bodies. We create another secret world, a place only of beauty…to be judged as a moving work of art.’

Him: ‘See?? They are attacking you because they cannot intellectually argue with you… If you want them to like you, post various pictures of naked women… If you want them to respect you, keep doing what you are doing…’

Michael knows the difference; perhaps he’s a far better adversary than I had given him credit for until this moment. He knows there are women who have priceless gifts and others that out of necessity have chosen or bartered the gift of softness for the respect of being important. He has asked me to mindfully chose; I'm not sure that I can.

Of Frogs and Princes and Kings

I’m still reading Alison Armstrong’s book and for as much as I know about interpersonal relationships, her revelations are surprising to me on a few different levels…realization levels.

I’m spending time this morning in thoughtful relating of what I’ve observed with the men around me. What I’ve realized for one thing, is that I’m most attracted to her description of a Prince. It’s the phase of a man’s life where he’s building—his career, his bank accounts, establishing his pillars. I’m drawn to that alpha energy. I guess it’s the reason why I like men about 8-10 years younger than I am right now. It hasn’t always been the case—in fact I’ve had a particular distain for younger men. But not now, their energy level, their masculinity, their sexuality and their understanding of their world is a right fit.

Perhaps this is imprinting for me. It’s the phase of a man’s life that I watched my father go through; with my mother’s completing her role as support staff. How he would go from job to job with my mother meeting him outside of the house, a sandwich and a thermos of tea for him to eat. How he struggled hour after hour taking on odd jobs fixing washing machines, selling jewelry; the work of his hands was always about the proceeds he could produce. It’s not that he didn’t have good enough reasons to behave that way. I counted them. There were of five of our mouths to feed. His need, not want, to bring from Europe both of his parents, his sister, her husband and their 3 children…that makes 10. Ten people needed to live from the toil of my father’s hands. And somehow, after all of it, when my father died, he died a millionaire…yet I’m challenged to find the place where my father left the phase of his life, where he was no longer a Prince, but a King.

I’ve seen it, the men in their 40’s or 50’s who go into a deep chasm…questioning the meaning of life—their life in particular. Some go into a depression that they don’t ever come out of; some take on some new age spiritual learning. I’ve seen both, and as a single woman, neither of which are in any way attractive to me. Having witnessed changes in both of my brothers (although not chasm changes) I have to wonder if this change isn’t somewhat biochemically driven. The testosterone levels drop; the estrogen levels increase and suddenly, a spiritually that women have innately seems to have birthed a new place in a man’s life. It’s so very beta male to me. I see it in L. He’s wearing necklaces and fighter inspired toe nail polish. Yuk. I don’t care if it’s black, pink or red, toe nail polish on any man is just wrong. I don’t ever want to have to share anything cosmetically with a man and I’d be horrified if he asked. Clean toe nails? Yes. Cuticles pushed back? Yes. Neatly trimmed and filed? Yes. Colored toe nails? No! I saw him in a videotape last spring. He looks broken. I looked at the tape and thought he’s useless now; today, I have a better understanding of why. I had always said that he was a prince that behaved like a frog-- but now this emotional circumcision, the death of the man that he was, may change him into the man that he was always meant to be. He’s working at figuring out the pieces of the puzzle of what is left of him. I had heard that he spent some time 'retired' but then came back into is field.

It had always struck me that when I had read an open letter that L. had written to his daughter on his own blog (I read three of them, but they are painful for me to read) that he had said that he didn't know why he did what he did but that he just 'did'. In the letter he didn't ever say that he loved her, or that he might not always be there when she wanted him to be, but that he'd be there when she needed him to be. More than being driven, a king decides with specificity what his is willing to provide.

It reminded me very much of an older man who was trying desperately to court me. I remember because I could not have been any further uninterested...and I will admit that I was a bit of a snobbish bitch to him. I behaved that way to discourage him. His wife had died and told him that she would like him to 'dip into the honey pot'...I'm not sure that I even like being thought of that way by a stranger. He had moved from NY to Arizona to retire...and that was pretty much all that had me interested. His great dream was to go on a tour of the great opera houses of Europe--his fantasy was with me on his arm. It was also, unfortunately his great dream that I would pay my own way. His remark to me was 'you wouldn't want me to spend my last penny on you, would you?' That entire conversation was laughable to me. My first thought was why on earth would I spend MY money capitalizing your fantasy? It wasn't just the Opera houses; it was the fantasy of his having a younger, beautiful woman on his arm. His fantasy was about his prowess...but one he didn't have the portfiolio or pursuation to share. My feeling on the entire matter were that *IF* he didn't have enough money to pay for my hair being done, a gown or two, shoes, a purse and an evening wrap, that he had a cash flow problem that I could assure him would only be worse knowing me. He might have entered the King phase of his life, but all that I saw was a man living his life as pauper.

Knights

I'm reading the Keys to the Kingdom by Alison Armstrong. I wasn't sure that I'd like this book, but I've reached a place that has my attention. Knights…possessing the title of Sir; a place beyond childhood; a member of the brotherhood. I wrote today answering a man who is leaving behind the stage of his life of being a Knight. Knighthood is the phase of a man’s life that I am most familiar with. Knights…where nothing exists in the world but living in the here and now…how they follow their hearts with great tales of adventure to be had…a life before them brimming with fun and challenge.

I saw it this past summer when one of my lifeguards joined the reserves and how the miles of running and boot camp training were, as he said ‘so much fun’. The challenges he saw ahead of him were mere child’s play and what I might consider slightly detached from the reality of what was to befall him.

I saw it in J.’s boyfriend of two years who wasn’t ready to place an engagement ring on her finger. His plans included finishing college, joining the military, (having her follow him around the country—base to base) and waiting for some imaginary law enforcement job to appear ‘guaranteed’ because of his squire ‘training’.

She waited for him, spending weekends alone while he was off playing hockey. He told her it was his last season….then he asked her to wait again this winter while he had decided to travel the country playing hand ball. He asked her for the next number of untold years to wait. I suggested to her that she not. Patterned and predictably his life is about the quest of testing his manhood, exploration and amusement. Fervently driven to what he HAS to do.

I saw in L. when his greatest challenge was winning the heart of a woman who didn’t want him. It’s funny to me because until this moment I hadn’t realized that about him and yet I know that his favorite movie is Dark Knight. I felt the movie was awful and couldn’t find a place of an emotional attachment to it. And yet here he is, traveling the country for a living—his great adventures, training and fighting-- pursuits that he really has no business being a part of—and clear as day, he is nothing more than a knight trying to prove his worthiness to a woman he has sworn allegiance to like knights of old. He trains to capture the attention of a woman who he thinks values the fight.

I’ve seen it in my brothers who scuba—and are willing to give up a mating opportunity to do so, who dirt bike in the desert, who dream of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Whose ideal of a burial is a sky burial—continued adventures through living in the bodies of birds that have picked their carcasses clean of flesh. It bears witness to the knighthood that remains inside of them.

I’ve seen it in the men that rise up to challenge me on the site that I frequent. Earlier this week I had called them tin soldiers and I realize now why I had. I spoke to ‘Thor’ about this issue this morning. He told me that ’it amazed him that seemingly every girl from Atlantic City bar chicks to 19 year old Catholic virgins still deep down crave cockiness. It’s actually something I’ve actively worked to tone down in myself from the time I was in my teens. But I’m admittedly a white belt in this area of understanding females. The waiting game I think is always horrible for all involved. You can’t predict when and what stage of life you will meet certain people. And your ideal plans are often far from reality.’

Cockiness is definitely something that women like--and I wish you would have shown more of that on your date...but I believe it's also something that does get toned down in men as they mature more and become more comfortable in their own skin. It is a biological imperative for women. *IF *in caveman times, a man wasn't strong enough both emotionally to stand up to other men (cockiness equals a man’s first line of defense), their women were taken from them. If a man wasn't strong enough physically, they were either killed off by other men or animals. Women NEEDED this from men, for without their protection, both themselves and their offspring died.

As animals, we have not changed in tens of thousands of years. One hundred years of women in the workforce—being able to fend for themselves by providing their own food, clothing and shelter has not changed this. The liberation from not needing the protection of her father’s house giving her in caretaking protection to her husband’s house has not changed this. Birth control—meaning that a woman doesn’t need have a man provide for her having born his young, has NOT changed this inside of a woman. Our biological imperative--the imprinted urge that a woman has to find the strongest mate that she can attract--for her protection and survival, has not changed.

For the women that believe that it has, suffer in that loss of consciousness…they have essentially talked themselves out of what is, as women, their birthright. Their chasing men, by their ‘pickiness ‘ of waiting for the perfect mate at the perfect time leaves them most often single and questioning why. What nature, in its’ infinite wisdom instilled, a generation or two of ‘wrong thinking’ has left women at the end of the line of their progeny. For thousands of years of genetic material being carried forward without question, women of this generation have stopped nature in its tracks. The most painful way that I’ve ever heard this described was (collectively) ‘you had children and grandchildren that you didn’t ever get to meet’.

Thor

He walks among us. The G-d of strenth, healing, fertility, holiness and protector of mankind...I see him when I look into the soul of a man who asked for my help. He fights--not just MMA, but he fights for his beliefs. His internal struggle for what he knows is right for his life verses the degradation of what he is witness to.

He writes:

The issue for me isn't that I want to judge and hold past behavior over any woman's head. I have plenty of shortcomings of my own in other areas.

It's plainly and simply for me that I do not see a realistic shot of things working out long term if we are not on the same page. Perhaps it's old fashioned belief about gender roles, but the second one of these girls says something like "sex is fun, but I wish I'd waited longer" or "I dont have my V-card any more but don't think I'm easy" it's pretty much game over.

And it's rough because a bunch of them seem nice, cool, sweet, etc. It's just that I'm not going to throw away an epic hot(cold) streak when tons of girls wind up having to settle for a guy who isn't (sexually active) when they themselves are.
I can relate to J.'s frustration over this issue. One girl who I'm communicating with is coming on extremely pursuasively, putting me on a pedestal, making me question everything and get mad at myself.
Your hypothetical rape issue articulates the belief that virginity is as much a state of mind as a physical state. Said girl would have no control and not have consented.
In offering too much information of my own, yes, I am expecting a girl to bleed for me on the wedding night.
You're absolutely right on the age issue, which is why Ive been so disgusted and confused by all this. The best years to have kids from a purely biologically point of view are not at all in line with the ages when modern American couples are at their most stable and financially secure.
Girls that are 19-22 now, have the best chances in my opinion of being less jaded and corrupted by the world.

For even as staunch as I am in my convictions, I dont know how well I would have fared in an enviornment away from home, with no accountability and surrounded by booze (I dont even drink) and out of control girls. Especially if they caught wind of the MMA thing. Which at that age, I would have made sure they did.
Your personal situation sounds completely understandable. I've often wondered myself if there will come a "zero hour" when my ideals meet head on with stone cold reality in 2011.
You did me an incredible favor by organizing that date, and I won't forget it.
I appreciate your time with me. I just have a pathologically hard time with accepting defeat or giving up on something I really want.
 As for J., what I absolutely do not want to see, is the weight of the world/the pressures of older guys at school, etc. cause her to give up on her convictions and become like everyone else.

I responded:

It is old fashioned beliefs that keep you from either exploring sexuality at a young age or not--and I didn't have a very religious background--although I've always felt a strong identity and tie to my religion. I just knew what was and wasn't right for me. I've always FELT old fashioned--like I was born in a wrong era...but today, if a young girl isn't raised with either strong parental attachment (and note I said attachement-not control--because I believe there is a difference--i.e, two parents working), or religious constraints, it is far too easy to be pressured by either a man telling them that they love them and this is what people in love do;  they get drunk and loose it without having a clear head on their shoulders, or some sort of peer pressure iniation...which is what I had ultimately succumbed to.

It wasn't the girls, but The GUYS who I was working with kept telling me how much sexual fun I was missing out on. I didn't see a husband anywhere on the horizon, and I asked myself what I was waiting for. So I picked someone that I was attracted to, but I wasn't romantically attached to. I didn't want to go through the heartache of sharing every part of myself with a man, only to have him NOT call; I didn't want to have to wonder what he was doing on Saturday night without me. As I said, it was a mistake from this vantage point, but at the time, given the information that I had, I made what i felt was the best decision for me that I could have made.

The girl trying to convince you of dating her likes you--however, her pursuasion is her taking on the masculine role and pursing you. I know you well enough to know that you're the masculine energy. If you continue to allow her to do this to you without putting your foot down, you'll end up resentful. You need to out-masculine her by telling her that this what you think and no amount of arguement from her is going to change that.

However, I am going to remind you that there is a double standard for men and women. For a woman it is virtuous to have waited;  for a man, and the pressure of his peers, he becomes a pussy, beta male for not having had conquests.

I know that in an ideal world what you're looking for is a young virgin, however, if there is a woman who has made a previous mistake--and you like everything else about her, I would ask you to overlook that if you can...If it had been a circumstance that she had been raped--by no fault of her own that she was no longer a virgin, would it be different to you? Would you be able to overlook that unfortunate circumstance? (I'm just asking.) Because truthfully, the older that you get, the harder it's going to be to find a woman who hasn't had some sexual experience. At some age, the scale gets tipped between a woman feeling that she's too young for you/that you are too old for her and what's left for you is a woman with a past. That's painful to hear, but it is the truth. Men always want a woman 7-15 years younger but woman prefer a man who is 2-4 years older. For as much as men look at a woman as old, women feel the same way about a man....that a guy is just too old, too much life experience which means potential pressure on her to have sex with him early, not enough fun, nothing in common, previous baggage of a ex wife and children, alimony, child support and just generalized 'wrong for me'...yes, even at 27...when you're talking about a wanting a girl who is 19.

NO ONE ever wants to think of someone that they love having shared intimacy with someone else. For me it's so gross that if I meet someone that I know slept with someone else, the possibility of me even kissing them is vile. Isn't that crazy? At my age, there are lots of divorced men dating--but dating someone who's ex wife or ex girlfriends I've SEEN completely disguests me.

J.  had actually cried with me over this with her (then) boyfriend saying to me that she waited, why couldn't he? She was ready to stop dating him right then and there....BUT, he was sexually active before he knew her, and there is nothing that he could do, even if he wanted to, to change the past. All anyone can do is to control their behavior with you in their lives--not who they were in the past. It's one of the reasons that I try to convince a woman to give a guy who screwed up in the past another chance. I don't know if you can judge a person today for what they did long ago. It's only his (or in your case her) behavior when she's with you that she has any control over.

I completely agree with the finances and childbearing being out of whack. Even your age is a bit young. Most men are financially ready in their thirty's and certainly by their forty's--but what they don't have, that you do, is the great discomfort of having their wives had former lovers.

It's not the corruption, but the experience of the world that changes people. I'm not sure about 'jaded' verses 'disappointment' as being more accurate. Even with men, there comes a place--and you're not there yet when they wake up and realize that they aren't the corporate tiger that they had once hoped to be...that you can't attract a YOUNG woman anymore, and men come to realize that they are closer to the end of their life than the beginning. It's passages--and women have them, too. They wonder if they had pursued a career instead of a family where their lives would have taken them...it's growth sweety, and it happens for all of us, questioning the choices whether married or not. For as much as you would admirably want to shelter a woman from the storms of life, you cannot--but what you can do is to go through the storms together--in a partnership where you commit to the relationship over choosing to commit to eachother and lean on eachother for support when you need it.

Your girl could be anywhere--but the bible belt should afford you more choices--except that you run the risk of Protestant girls instead of Catholic. I know that it's like looking for a needle in a haystack, but the needles are there.