Cavemen

This week started with nip from a 'stupid monkey'. No, I'm not calling him stupid, that's his screen name. He copied my writing to use in his own blog--with some 'comments' of his own. They weren't unkind, just unnecessary. I asked him to remove his page since I have my own blog, but he refused...perhaps annoying stupid monkey would be a better screen name. Some years ago I can remember a woman who would become a mentor say that it was me--that there was a magic in me; a power that would always have lessor mortals try to take, but that for whatever they try to steal, what they can't steal is that 'magic'.

Because of the theft, I'm having more hate on that site than ever. I'm perfectly willing to accept that in some instances male behavior needs some deconstruction to have me understand it, so I asked a few men that I respected from the site, why? One responded: Neanderthals:, what did you expect? You're a woman, and you're strong in your opinions...that's why. (So it's a challenge to their sack.)  So, off to find another member of the species, this time a Neanderthal--a fighter--the same question. He told me it's because you're in a room full of alpha males and you're NOT clamoring for their attention. They need to know their sexual power over you, they need to know that THEY are the most desired man in 'the room', and you're completely unaffected by them. If you would have shown them pictures of your tits and ass and asked for their opinion, you'd be revered.

But the truth is that with rare exception I'm not interested in knowing them. It's their lack of effort. It doesn't matter to me if someone that I've never heard of, someone who's posts I've never read, someone who's new to the boards, someone who's never said a damn interesting thing posts that 'they don't like me'. Who cares? Hit the ignore button don't read what I've written and make us both happy...but then I realize that they can't...they don't want to ignore me...what they want is my attention and reaction. And I know that, because every time one comes buzzing around and annoys me, I offer to place them on my ignore list and they instantly stop. You would think that after all this time, and all of the men that have tried the flame wars with me that they would realize that I'm just better at it than they are...but like hollow little tin soldiers, they keep popping up and trying.

I've been busy working on the corporate financials due in less than 2 weeks so I had a couple of phone calls yesterday telling me that the board was lit up with one thread after another about me. I have very little interest in reading what was said. The warrior in me keeps laughing at the fools knowing that are nothing more than circus dogs jumping up and down, clamoring for my attention. So they make it worse and worse, waiting, hoping for a reaction--any reaction...I've had enough training to know that boys either work to get attention by being good or being bad...there is a difference between being a bad boy--which is attractive and a straight up bully...which comes from a place of cowardice and damaged...which clearly, these men are.

I'm particularly amused by one poster (I don't know who it is--I just heard about the thread) saying that he owned me. Lol. Nothing could be further from the truth of his own delusion. I owned him the moment that he had the first thought of leaving the boards, taking his time to google me, taking his time to find me, taking his time to go back to the boards and start a thread, and funniest of all, I heard that he claimed that I had 'sparkling eyes'-- which is highly unlikely, since no one has ever told me that in my life. And all I needed to do was to stand still. He actions had him 'owned' by me every second of his thoughts consumed...lol--completely enchanted by my sparkling eyes. I guess the only thing he can claim that he 'owns' is the that now everyone knows he holds the title of  internet stalker; congratulations on your achievement--you worked hard for it.

But, there is the other kind of caveman...the one that is alluring...I can remember a couple of years ago my friend Patti--who is also an MMA fan (she edits for another MMA site) and I talking about fighters who we thought would be great in bed. I picked a guy who I'm not attracted to at all, but someone that I thought would be a wild time....Clay Guida...hands down...it's the 'pounce factor' that he has. Sex with him would be some kind of 'hanging upside from the chandeliers', 60 grappling positions in 60 seconds, freaky hit and run that would leave you the next day unable to describe in words what had just happened.

I once had dinner in San Francisco once with a guy who was a colleague; we were also just a little more acquaintenced than that--I had gone to his house (his girlfriend there) on 4th of July to see the fireworks over the Hudson river in Manhattan. I am not, and never was romantically attracted to him. David is not attracted to me either. I've known him through several relationships and singlehood--there wouldn't ever be anything romantic between us. But we had dinner together--I wasn't that hungry; he ordered... we shared one plate of food.  He knew absolutely nothing of what I felt in the experience of sharing this meal. our conversations remained neutral--it was the totality of the experience of the evening that made it memorable.

In fact, have to say that it was the most sensual, intimate cavewoman/caveman experience I've ever had. the civilized parts of us ate with forks, the primitive parts ate with our fingers, he broke apart pieces of a chicken and pushed it to my side of the plate.  I  saved part of the potatoes and carrots for him because I knew he was enjoying them. There was a level of intimacy that was incredible. He was taking care of me as a woman, he offered half of what was his to me. Whether he had hunted and killed, or paid another hunter, it was no less provision for a woman that he cared for. 

It would have been easy that night to have had him drag me by the hair, lay me close to the fire inside of his cave and sleep next to me....

I talked to El about this and she said:  Fran dear heart, you're a VERY sensual woman, and also a strong woman who wants a strong man. To have one sort of man you will almost assuredly have to give up other qualities that are also important to you. You have to sort-out and decide what's more important --because you probably can't have it all! If you want the sensual above the strength, then you're not going to find a man as strong as you'd like (because a man that strong is also going to be pretty much insensate, no reveling in delicate touch). Mine is strong enough for me -- but that means he takes no pleasure in non-sexual touch. Massage doesn't do anything for him unless he's worn himself out at work, and then only because it helps him SLEEP! Petting me when we're watching TV never crosses his mind, because his fingers are not sensitive enough to take any feedback (or pleasure) from it. I can't ask him for a back rub, because he's not able to be gentle enough not to hurt me. {shrug} Would I LIKE a man who found his own sensual pleasure in stroking my leg when we're watching TV? Absolutely!! Would I be willing to give up Michael's aggressive masculinity for it? No. So, I have to give up on my desire for that sensuality in him. {appreciate} (The man you have, not the man you want!
I replied:

I'm sorry that Michael isn't able to provide those moments of sensuality for you...I don't think I could have a happy relationship without one. I do enjoy he sensual as well as the sexual and frequently when I'm in a relationship, the two are tied. I like playfulness in bed and the experience of the sensual through playfulness with cool spring water on hot summer nights, bathing each other...to me it's about the total experience of being lovers. I would hope that in having an alpha male, his femininely balanced masculine energy would allow for both when appropriate. It would be a very empty relationship without this--this is my most feminine expression of my sexuality. Without the sensual enjoyment, I would feel sexually used by a man.

It is NOT that I am comparing this meal to another man's offerings and wishing for the same memory--I am not. I've had other wonderful meals with men and entirely different memories.
What it IS about is inspiration. Either there is nothing about him that I want to continue to get to know or there is. That's the experience. I saw a different side of David that night, and it brought me unexpected pleasure. Give me a place of connection and you have my attention.