I’m still reading Alison Armstrong’s book and for as much as I know about interpersonal relationships, her revelations are surprising to me on a few different levels…realization levels.
I’m spending time this morning in thoughtful relating of what I’ve observed with the men around me. What I’ve realized for one thing, is that I’m most attracted to her description of a Prince. It’s the phase of a man’s life where he’s building—his career, his bank accounts, establishing his pillars. I’m drawn to that alpha energy. I guess it’s the reason why I like men about 8-10 years younger than I am right now. It hasn’t always been the case—in fact I’ve had a particular distain for younger men. But not now, their energy level, their masculinity, their sexuality and their understanding of their world is a right fit.
Perhaps this is imprinting for me. It’s the phase of a man’s life that I watched my father go through; with my mother’s completing her role as support staff. How he would go from job to job with my mother meeting him outside of the house, a sandwich and a thermos of tea for him to eat. How he struggled hour after hour taking on odd jobs fixing washing machines, selling jewelry; the work of his hands was always about the proceeds he could produce. It’s not that he didn’t have good enough reasons to behave that way. I counted them. There were of five of our mouths to feed. His need, not want, to bring from Europe both of his parents, his sister, her husband and their 3 children…that makes 10. Ten people needed to live from the toil of my father’s hands. And somehow, after all of it, when my father died, he died a millionaire…yet I’m challenged to find the place where my father left the phase of his life, where he was no longer a Prince, but a King.
I’ve seen it, the men in their 40’s or 50’s who go into a deep chasm…questioning the meaning of life—their life in particular. Some go into a depression that they don’t ever come out of; some take on some new age spiritual learning. I’ve seen both, and as a single woman, neither of which are in any way attractive to me. Having witnessed changes in both of my brothers (although not chasm changes) I have to wonder if this change isn’t somewhat biochemically driven. The testosterone levels drop; the estrogen levels increase and suddenly, a spiritually that women have innately seems to have birthed a new place in a man’s life. It’s so very beta male to me. I see it in L. He’s wearing necklaces and fighter inspired toe nail polish. Yuk. I don’t care if it’s black, pink or red, toe nail polish on any man is just wrong. I don’t ever want to have to share anything cosmetically with a man and I’d be horrified if he asked. Clean toe nails? Yes. Cuticles pushed back? Yes. Neatly trimmed and filed? Yes. Colored toe nails? No! I saw him in a videotape last spring. He looks broken. I looked at the tape and thought he’s useless now; today, I have a better understanding of why. I had always said that he was a prince that behaved like a frog-- but now this emotional circumcision, the death of the man that he was, may change him into the man that he was always meant to be. He’s working at figuring out the pieces of the puzzle of what is left of him. I had heard that he spent some time 'retired' but then came back into is field.
It had always struck me that when I had read an open letter that L. had written to his daughter on his own blog (I read three of them, but they are painful for me to read) that he had said that he didn't know why he did what he did but that he just 'did'. In the letter he didn't ever say that he loved her, or that he might not always be there when she wanted him to be, but that he'd be there when she needed him to be. More than being driven, a king decides with specificity what his is willing to provide.
It reminded me very much of an older man who was trying desperately to court me. I remember because I could not have been any further uninterested...and I will admit that I was a bit of a snobbish bitch to him. I behaved that way to discourage him. His wife had died and told him that she would like him to 'dip into the honey pot'...I'm not sure that I even like being thought of that way by a stranger. He had moved from NY to Arizona to retire...and that was pretty much all that had me interested. His great dream was to go on a tour of the great opera houses of Europe--his fantasy was with me on his arm. It was also, unfortunately his great dream that I would pay my own way. His remark to me was 'you wouldn't want me to spend my last penny on you, would you?' That entire conversation was laughable to me. My first thought was why on earth would I spend MY money capitalizing your fantasy? It wasn't just the Opera houses; it was the fantasy of his having a younger, beautiful woman on his arm. His fantasy was about his prowess...but one he didn't have the portfiolio or pursuation to share. My feeling on the entire matter were that *IF* he didn't have enough money to pay for my hair being done, a gown or two, shoes, a purse and an evening wrap, that he had a cash flow problem that I could assure him would only be worse knowing me. He might have entered the King phase of his life, but all that I saw was a man living his life as pauper.
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