Comfort

I've spent the last 48 hours or so being involved in some online nonsense over what I consider to be my intellectual property. I had responded to a man on a site that I frequent over his asking for opinions on whether a woman should 'potty' in front of  her boyfriend.

I responded:

This is a girl, not a woman--and I even use that term loosly....perhaps a man with a vagina would be more aptly put.

A woman should retain not only some outward modesty, respect for his privacy and keep the allure of her sexuality under wraps. Now his memories of her are her bowel functions instead of her raw unbridled, uninhibited, explored sexuality.

He has lost the fantasy of her, forever. Where and how deeply a woman choses to explore the layers of her sexuality and share that with a man is her business. but dropping fecal matter in a toilet front of a man is different.

This is the same as burping, farting and other uncouth acts that don't belie a woman's femininity. Men are drawn, enticed and seduced by the differences between men and woman, not their similarities. In fact, I'm not even sure that a man should be in the delivery room when a woman gives birth...what has been seen cannot be unseen and it changes PERCEPTION forever.  And as I said, even in a marriage, I believe there are some things that should remain private. A woman should never forget that this man is her LOVER and behave in his presence accordingly--she's NOT one of the guys.

To be a feminine is to be hidden, soft and modest. There is a place in a woman's life to be untamed...and it's not openly sharing a bathroom.

He has lost the woman who comes to his bed powdered and perfumed willingly waiting to be taken, released from sociatal moires and constrictions. Every dream he has ever had in reliving those moments of having her gasping at her most raw, most sexual, most desiring of having him entered in every part of her being has been reduced in one moment... to 'plop'...

Her confusion on this issue leads me to wonder if perhaps the Europeans have it right after all, with finishing and charm schools; while we as American women, are left with a less than glimmering shadow of what women's liberation (eye roll) had intended; with a 'let it all hang out'; say whatever's on your mind without a filter; and the 'devil may care attitude' over what we do has ultimately left both sexes confused as to their roles and their gut reactions (typically of horror...).

Someone else on the site took my verbiage, copied it to HIS blog and added his own comments--his basic conclusion was that I was correct....OF COURSE I am. I was not, however, in any way happy that he in essence copied my opinions for his own use. He didn't respond on the thread, he saved them for his own blog.

I asked him to remove his blog page, and he refused, which started a battle on the site with most of the men siding with him and saying that they would rather have their eyes burned with hot pokers than read my writing; I'm OK with that...but they failed to realize that his 'flattery' of copying my opinions meant that he LIKED IT. Some people like my writing; some people don't, but everyone has an opinion--and that's what makes not only brilliance, but power....but I'll save that thought for another post.

I discussed this with a girlfriend last night, who is an published author-- since I've been working on the book on masculine/feminine energy for about a year and 'potty time' was indeed going to be included...she told me that this kind of thing runs rampant. And yes, there was a point in her first marriage where she would potty in front of her husband until one day he said to her 'you really shouldn't do that' and she stopped.

What is laughable to me is that the guy who 'lifted' my conversation for his blog actually asked me to provide him with the url address here. Does he really think that I'm dumb enough to give him access to steal more of my 'work' for his own benefit? Sorry buddy, but you're going to have to figure out how to have an opinion on something without me or work a whole lot harder to find me. I had alot of traffic to this blog overnight, so perhaps he, or others did.

It lead me to be thinking about comfort and the advice I gave to someone just last week regarding a guy whom she really liked. She had been waiting for him--like women do. Waiting for his calls, him to ask her out again, waiting for him to decide that she was the one he wanted to pursue a relationship with....waiting. And when they finally had the date she had been waiting for, his behavior was less than the sterling gentleman she had hoped that he was. He dropped f-bombs, told racist jokes, and generally behaved like an ass...while she said nothing to him during the date, but subsequently blocked him from contacting her again.

I said to her:

We as women are taught to live in our discomfort. I can remember my mother telling me at a very young age that 'if you want to be beautiful you have to suffer'. So we learn to suffer our diets and execise and the pain of waxing and plucking and menstrual cramps and childbirth--on and on. so when we're brought upon by some 'discomfort' we tend to hold it in and suffer through it.

This is about being able to GRACIOUSLY verbalize our discomforts and hope that a man rises to the occasion to ease our discomfort.

Some years ago, as I first began practicing Pat's teachings, I consciously 'played' at this. I was in Las Vegas at a conference, and a guy who I had just met had asked me to have breakfast with him. Now typically, I would have just aid I need to find the waitress and ask her to bring me some ketchup...but I didn't. All that I said was "I need ketchup". Bingo--like a jackrabbit he was up and getting it for me. I couldn't believe that it was that easy and that 'it worked'.

This is a deeper level of being able to voice your 'discomfort' at a man's behavior, but very necessary work because it lays the groundwork at being able to skillfully negotiate your relationship when the time comes for engagement, marriage or even being able to voice your 'entrance fee' for sex.

I realized this morning, that I haven't taken my own advice--which is either to withdraw or graciously verbalize my feelings on this. These are mostly 'street level' men--boys that haven't grown up or somehow think that it's OK to 'punch a girl' and get away with it sitting behind a keyboard. These aren't men, but piranahs who jump onto a feeding frenzy of hate the moment it appears. So, I think that it's in my best interest to withdraw to private messages on threads that I feel are important enough to address with the time and thought I've placed in the above posts.

Since I've been asked to moderate not one, but two different sites on relationships, it is obvious that there some very learned people who appreciate my 'getting it'. This has just been a matter of realizing that with very little exception on that site, instead of sitting in my discomfort, that my needs aren't being met and moving on.