Michael and I talked on the phone yesterday before he headed off to teach in his BJJ gym. He giggles alot. I guess that's why he tells me that every day when we write, I bring a smile to his face and to please not stop. In his last note, he told me his gym nickname in Portuguese or that I might call him 'Uncle Mike". I told him that 'Uncle Mike' was my father and that I'd never call him that, but under the right circumstances I just might call him 'daddy'. He replied: How does one get oneselves in a situation, where... maybe, just maybe.... you would call me daddy... Would love the chance.. ;) XOXO Much love, Michael.
It's nice to have an 'opponent' who's as equal a class A flirt as I am. I'm missing that and wished that it was real, but it's not any more real than the flirting with the guys behind the deil counter when I ask them what they would recommend or the waiters when I reach my hand out and let them take to help me down the stairs to my table while I'm smiling and giving them an eye flirting by lowering my eyes and looking back into theirs in an act of submission.
I was dumping some old emails and came across the last note I had gotten from L.
Um ok... I got an idea too, don't visit me in NJ. I'm glad your old fashioned. Everyone needs a value set... Mine is that of a 13 year old. Don't worry, won't send you another text or message. And your very welcome to stay on my website... Even though I'm a little hurt by your message since, you were the one who led me this direction... Let me give you advice, in the future after flirting and teasing, it's import to just write, "went to far" sorry. Not a full page disortation.... Btw yes your message is that stinging and out of the blue, I'm hurt. Bye!
I wish I could go back in time and change that moment with him, but I can't--I tried. He knows himself certainly better than I ever would, and if he said that his value set was that of a 13 year old, I have to believe that. I wish that I would have been able to have motivated him to have modified his behavior, but at that time, his anger was bigger than his heart. I've never forgotten his kiss, and it saddens me most of all is that he kept his promise...I've never heard from him again. But it is also the truth that he needed to leave or he wouldn't have gone through the emotional changes that E. forced him to go through. She was a gift to him. It wasn't the gift he wanted; but none the less she was a gift.
I was talking to one of the girls on one of the relationship site that I moderate, I asked her if she had tried to behavior modify her date; she said:
I didn't say anything reasonable to him about how I didn't like his behavior. Instead I went into a sort of haze and even made out with him later that night. I'm ashamed of that and also interested in why I would get so out of touch with my feelings and act against my better judgement in that way. I guess knowing these options for communicating will give me a way out of auto-pilot next time something like this happens with another man.
About blind-siding... I understand that I shouldn't block M's number BUT I don't want to answer him if he calls. What in the world could I say to him now? Also, can a man really change from that kind of dramatically awful into a gentleman? Shouldn't a person just KNOW not to act like that around someone he barely knows? I'm not one of his 'boys.' ....
I responded:
Don't beat yourself up over this--you liked him--this is just a big tug between your head and your heart and we all learn in baby steps.
You're having gone into a haze was just you protecting yourself from being hurt--we can't blame you for that. But walking Pat's walk is learning how to effectively communicate with the opposite sex. I always compare us as cats trying to get along with dogs. And I don't mean that disparagingly--we're just two different species struggling for intimacy...to be understood, accepted and ultimately irreplacably loved.
You may be able to find the voice of your heart next time--maybe not--maybe partially--but know that this is a process... one of you finding your way home to your truest self.
*IF* you choose to unblock M's number, or *IF* you would consider dating him again (and I'm NOT saying that you should) you could always say that you needed some time and space away from your last date to process what you were feeling and that you felt that any interaction from him would only confuse you until you were clear about how you felt and what you ultimately didn't want. (Remember as feminine energy we come from a place of don't want). You didn't want to feel embarrassed that he saw you as less than worthy in front of strangers. you didn't want to feel uncherished in being forced to stand while he sat, You didn't want to be uncomfortable as his treating you like one of the boys instead of a woman...on and on until you're clear. Maybe writing them here will help you peel back the layers of what you were really feeling--then we could help you formulate what you would say to him if you choose to. I think it would be a good exercise for you.
But to answer your question, yes, a man CAN change that much. I've seen it. But unfortunately I wasn't on the receiving end of his love. I wished that I was, but it was another woman. I watched him grow--and grow up--telling her on one of his blogs that he had changed and how sorry he was that he had behaved like a 16 year old--(with me, he said 13, but that was a few years beforehand.) I'm sad that it wasn't me, but some other woman that he loved and lost gave him an emotional circumcision, and NOW at 43, he finally like a man.
Yes, it might have been the oxytocin 'haze' that has you turning emotionally, but if you keep dating and 'smelling' other men, it confuses the body and the addictive chemical reaction.
Pat says that we keep dating--even the one's without chemistry until he stops calling, or someone else takes you off the market because you never know if and when the chemistry may develop...it has absolutely happened for me 'late'. Once was with a man I had known for a year and I thought he was a bit of an ass; we were at a holiday party chatting--all was well--then he kissed me on the neck goodnight--and everything inside of me gasped...for a moment, I couldn't breathe...bingo and oh my gosh instant chemistry!
Another time was with a guy who was relentlessly pursuing me--it took me 10 weeks of dating him before I would even let him kiss me! But the chemistry eventually happened and we dated for about a year.
Even on your duty dates it is still your job to look good, sound good, smell good, taste good and feel good. What this man is paying for when he is dating you is the joy that he gets of being in your company for those few hours. If you're behaving like you don't want to be there, you can't expect a man to be inspired to call, so I give your guy credit for trying again.
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