War Changes Everything

I wondered if when Scarlett asks Rhett, in Gone With the Wind "Where shall I go? What shall I do?" and he replys "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn", if that was the first place that I can remember War changing everything. Was that the first instance of the changing tide that women's lives would never be the same? Scarlett had always had the the loving shelter of a man's protection, then in a moment, it was gone.

I finished reading Alison Armstrong's book. She is of the opinion that during World War II woman working for the war effort realized they were doing something important--more important than tending the hearth and home. The Rosie the Riveter advertising campaigns showing a woman flexing her bicep. with the verbiage 'we can do it' recruited two million women into America's workforce. The underlying message was that social change needed to bring women out of the home and into the workforce was not only asked for, but required as a patriotic duty for both employers and soon to be former homemakers. However, when men returned from the war and needed to normalize their lives, the women in them no longer revered a home life as something more important than impacting the lives of thousands, if not millions. Being a home maker was no longer good enough. While men, in their NEED to have their women be happy gave up a part of themselves, the part of their being that had the pride of providing for their wives and children.

It's been fun for me to have the luxury of watching some old television shows. I've watched a few episodes of Gidget--done in the 1960's and some Burns and Allen done in the 1950's. With the popularity of the newer shows such as Mad Men and Pan Am...it is so apparent how differently girls became women and women became women's women. How they dressed, how the walked, how they carried themselves. I watch the gloved hands poses and poised as the Pan Am stewardesses walk with their blue bag carry on's through the airport. And yes, they were stewardesses, not 'flight attendants'. I had one of those blue bags when I was little. A neighbor worked for Pan Am...and I can remember being excited to have gotten a gift of pin with wings.

I like observation...at it's purest. I guess it was my background of being an Art director for all of those years. It was about noticing and nuance. And I've had more training in neurolinguistics that might ever had chosen were I not circumstantially taught.  In my world, back then, it was perfect, or it wasn't. No shades of gray...ever. The shades of gray are life's disappointments, lesser than what you would have wanted. The shades of gray are settling. The shades of gray are less than you would have hoped for. Perhaps that is what led me here, an awareness of better choices that could be made. What fascinates me is the inherent changing of who we are--a washing over with chatter and feeling centered numbing of who we are at our core before we're even fully developed as men and woman. Perhaps that has been the point of all of the war machine propaganda. Joe Jackson has lyrics in his song Real Men that say:

Take your mind back - I don't know when
Sometime when it always seemed
To be just us and them
Girls that wore pink
And boys that wore blue
Boys that always grew up better men
Than me and you

What's a man now - what's a man mean
Is he rough or is he rugged
Is he cultural and clean
Now it's all change - it's got to change more
'cause we think it's getting better
But nobody's really sure

And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are...
And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are

Time to get scared - time to change plan
Don't know how to treat a lady
Don't know how to be a man
Time to admit - what you call defeat
'cause there's women running past you now
And you just drag your feet

Man makes a gun - man goes to war
Man can kill and man can drink
And man can take a whore
Kill all the blacks - kill all the reds
And if there's war between the sexes
Then there'll be no people left

And so it goes - go round again
But now and then we wonder who the real men are

He's emotionally and painfully aware of the lack of honor, loyalty and pride that's missing. He's able to recognize with some sense of loss that somewhere, somehow, someone didn't teach him what he not only know, but use in his everyday life as a code of behavior....when little girls wore pink, and little boys wore blue and other boys who grew up to be better men than me and you.

Old-fashioned pins. Safety pins with pink or blue plastic colored heads for cloth diapers, a gift of a pair of flight wings, and a time when a man 'pinned' a girl he was going steady with as some fraternal pre-engagement ritual; she got his letterman jacket, his ring, his ID bracelet and ultimately his pin....it was a symbol that meant something to the man who gave it and the acceptance of the woman that received it.

It was just before my time. And then the War changed everything...just as it always has. France before the revolution, the World Wars and woman's place being in the home instead of in factories while their husbands were away at war. Everyone affected ends up 'different'. The Viet Nam war changed women as much as it did men. Not only was the advent of artificial birth control give women what they felt to be power in providing 'free-love' it also gave the men the power to treat women more like prostitutes than not. Men could walk away from a sexual encounter with 'had a nice time' or 'that was fun' with no more afterthought of that woman than he might have with a hooker; but at least the hooker was given some money while the one nigh stand was left confused. What was once a considered behavior poor enough to be outcast from 'proper society'; bastard children, cloistered pregnancies with women sent to 'homes for wayward girls' or convents until they gave birth..while their parents concocted stories of their summer abroad were replaced by 'love-children'. Today they don't even get the courtesy of the pretense of 'love'..today it's 'my baby's mama or 'my babies daddy'...as if the human factor of touching, of connection, of needing intimacy had degraded to a cold baby making machine.

So men, by a combination of war and the full culpability of women abandoned a great deal of them. But I watch the women's pain, how they end up with the short end of the stick. Every Maury show with women crying their eyes out that some man...or one of a possible grouping of men...or a man they don't even know the sir name of, MIGHT be their child's father. And men, the majority of whom prey aren't the child's father sit and argue their 'right' to have dropped their seed because other men had, and left. While the women still hope for some relationship. I watch the crazy girls on Jerry Springer who beat each other up in displaced anger for having moved in on 'their man' while the men who they should be angry with sit back and enjoy the show.

Is it really possible in these women's lives that no one taught them to protect their virtue? Is it possible that no where did an adult say to them, that no, you are wrong to believe that that you can do anything like a man--including being sexually active and walk away from an encounter without any emotional pain. Sex for women is an inward motion. A woman has to allow a man to enter into her body. Enter her body that houses her mind, heart and soul. Is it possible that no where in her being that there was the forethought of being ashamed or of modesty before a virtual stranger? Some years ago a girlfriend and I were talking about how Jewish women wore wigs to cover the sensuality of their hair that might only be revealed to their husbands. Islamic women wear the burqa to cover their bodies in public.They are symbolic curtains to be drawn back by a man who has, by his actions, reserved the privilege of knowing a woman intimately.  She and I both decided that in it's allure, in it's inherent refusal, in it's desire for a man to know more, it is far sexier than not. In Genesis, Rebekah takes her veil and covers herself from a servant's master.

Before the war, (and you can either pick the Viet Nam war, or the War between the Sexes) the women in the 60's went to charm school and held out for nothing short of gentlemanly behavior. When a man asked her out, she responded: 'I'll think about it'....and she did.

I have to believe that when J. say to me that in some things, she just doesn't know better, but in some things she does. My heart breaks for every one of the women who somewhere in her soul knew better, but didn't behave better.

Welcome...We've moved!

After many trials, travails, stories and advice seeking by my friends, I've been encouraged to start a blog on dating and relationships--or rather an encouragement to return to a world old fashioned courtship, flirting and 'proper' behavior. Watching with sadness the degradation of the dating world of feminized men, hook-ups, and friends with benefits being acceptable but unfulfilled relationship habits, I've been inspired to let my stories and those of my friends unfold. With the rarest exception, no one really knows any longer how to behave.

I chose to use the words 'we've moved' instead of 'I've moved' because if it weren't for the questions, answers and feedback, I'm not sure if I would have chosen to have spent the time writing this. Yet, for as best as she could, my mother taught me how to  'inherit womanhood'. It was not enough. As best as I could, I've taught my non-biological daughters. For the friends that I've loved, I've written this down, just in case you forget.

The Taming of the Shrew

Michael's flirting continued this morning. I told him that the blog that I had written about  Tootsie Pops was up.

He said: Wow… I got excited reading that.. Very good, my love… very, very good… I will probably go back and read that several times before the day is over... Keeping in mind, that you WILL be tied down… Willingly or not… But my guess is………………. Willingly…

Me: You couldn't possibly be more wrong....

Him: Lol…… says you… we will see, my dear… We will see… Just for your comparing yourself to a cat… and being so nonchalant… But I have had a cat wandering around the outside of my house over the last several weeks… I have befriended her to the point that she (yes, she) now runs to me when she sees my car pull up… You will be tied… You will do it willingly… and you will thoroughly enjoy every second… and you WILL beg for more…XOXO

Me: You poor delusional man....

Him: We will see…. Me, delusional??? No…lol… You, unsuspecting??? Perhaps…

Me: Lol....you very much have the wrong girl...

Him: Hmmmmm….. I don’t think so… Do not knock something that you have not tried… Life is much too short…Maybe use my mind trick to convince you to be tied down, helpless to my whims…. ; )

So, M. changed his tactic....but not my mind. Momentarily,  he had softened his approach...he changed my amusement and my thoughts turned to Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew.

Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks, and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she, but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?

The truth is, that I for one, would love to find a man like Petruchio. Petruchio fought an epic battle to win Katherina's hand with her full acknowledgment of having chosen a life of married deference and obedience. Men fight steadfastly to convince--Shakespeare knew fully well it is in their nature, he begs Katherina to understand his values, while asking so little in return for his opportunity to love her. He knows what he is willing to provide for her; his position is certain and it would betray his sense of self not have offered all that could to her.

I see this today, when men who have been hurt by women say 'for the rest of her life, she would have wanting for nothing'.

Katherina on the other hand viewed her marriage as a chance to find harmony within a pre-planned societal role. I agree on both fronts.

On the one hand, I do believe that what is right for me, is a man who is the head of his/our household and wears the pants in all final decision making. What a woman gains from marriage is there is a status in being a wife that is far and above being a fiance and certainly above single-hood.  There has to be, if not obedience, certainly deference in a marriage or else you end up with two 'presidents of the corporation' going in opposite directions instead of allowing one of the partners to be the ultimate decision maker. Yes, of course there is input of feelings from the feminine energy partner, but the ultimate decision has to be made (I believe) by the masculine energy/dominant  partner--whether they are male or female.

There is a difference between being tied up and being tied down.... I prefer the latter.

Tootsie Pops

It started innocently enough...while I tried to finish my blog a few days ago, my favorite distraction desired my attention. I gladly gave it to him, but I told him that he would have to pay dearly for that later. He asked me for the link to my blog, and I said no. He’s a flirt and a worthy adversary; in fact, he knows exactly how to play with me.

I told him that for interrupting me the punishment of a ‘tickle fest’ might be in order. It may sound like fun, but tickling is torture for me---I hate it. And one of the little known facts about me is that I have a traveling tickle spot. Yes, it’s true, it travels. It’s about 5 inches in diameter and I never know where it’s going to show up or when.

I hadn’t heard from M. in a day and he wrote this morning that he thought that I might be mad at him…somehow we had missed a few of each other’s emails. We sorted it out and he responded:
‘Stupid misunderstanding on my part…I am on my knees begging forgiveness…. ; ) I am hoping you can picture the visual…I have to have it out the door by 10 AM… After that, let the tickle fest begin!!

Ohhh… one more thing.. Before the tickle fest begins, I will have to tie you to the bed with several of my silk ties… I hope you are not too ticklish… otherwise….. hmmmmmmm…’

I let him handle business, but I had noticed that my name was 'googled'—hot linked to my blog and I asked if he had done it. His answer was yes.

He wrote: ‘It was just the fact that you were writing a blog, made me want to read it… The fact that you wouldn’t give me the address, made me want to read it even more… you write very well and it kept my interest. I read back about a week’s worth.. Very “Sex in the City” vibe… which I was a fan of, btw… Anyway, I just got back from negotiating a job and should be here for the rest of the afternoon… Just one more question…. Silk ties or handcuffs??’

Me: ‘There isn't a chance I'd let you, or anyone else tie me...haven't you realized by now that I'm a feral female? It's rare that a man can catch wild monkey...sometimes I've been described as a lone wolf...although I particularly see myself at as a cat...I could lie in the sun and warm myself all day with breaks of just a stretch like a cat; cross my path while I'm lounging, and it’s a curt glance of ‘oh, it’s you’ then back to what I was doing..

And thanks for the SITC complement...it's not intentional; infact without ever reading my writing before, a guy that I know once said to me 'you're like one of those cool Sex and the City chicks and so different from how I remembered you all of those years ago.'

Him: ‘Ohhh… You’re getting tied, young lady… You just don’t know it yet.. You can be whatever you want to be, but you will be tied and tickled until you can stand no more… and it is at that point I will provide more… Your powers are useless against me…’

Me: ‘No sir, you are very much mistaken. Has your time on the site not taught you that I cannot be constrained? But for your edification, I HATE to be tickled. Massaged and caressed all day long yes, please and thank--but tickled? That’s torture...AND I'm reserving that special hell for you...’

Him: Ohhh.. and you haven’t been able to be restrained… only because you haven’t met someone like me… You will succumb and agree to be tied down… and then tickled… but just for a few minutes… just enough to aggravate you.. .and then you will be massaged and caressed to make up for the tickling… It will only leave you begging for more… But you only get more if you are good… REALLY good…’

Me: ‘Again, you ask for the impossible from me...I will never agree to your demands!’

Him: ‘Not impossible… improbable, perhaps… but not impossible…ohhh… and you WILL agree to my demands….. You will see…. Just the thought of being tied down and helpless… helpless to stop me unbuttoning one button at a time…. Slowly sliding a zipper down… you will see… ‘

Me: ‘There aren't enough Brazilian jiu jitsu moves on the planet to have me succumb...within me courses the blood of a warrior...”

Him: ‘Warriors have vulnerabilities… and I am an expert at identifying them… But to answer your first remark, there ARE enough BJJ moves to make you succumb… multiple times… You will willingly agree to be tied down and be subjected to what I have to offer…”

Me: ‘N E V E R !!!’

Him: ‘Your mouth says never, but your quivering body says, yes, yes, yes…’

Me: ‘Lol...you are a brat.’

Him: ‘Now you realize where I got my nickname… You are like a tootsie-pop… hard on the outside, but very soft on the inside… You will be begging me to tie you down…. Trust me…’ ‘Just one question… How many licks to get to the center of a tootsie-pop?? ; P’

Me: Oh my!

Him: ‘I guess I will have to find out for myself, huh??’

Me: ‘Perhaps.’

[And there you have it. Smack dab in the middle of my flirtation; a new found respect for a man who actually sees me. I’ve been described similarly before…once as an Oreo cookie…hard on the outside and sweet, soft and mushy inside…once I was described as inside-out...that a woman should be soft on the outside and hard on the inside and I was the complete opposite.]

Knowing that he reads my blog…

Him: ‘Today’s entry was a very good read.. I enjoyed it… It amazes me how much thought you put into the simplest things in life… and I think THAT is what gets you the hate on the site.. Most are younger males and think with their smaller head… What am I saying?? I do too…lol… You go into the dynamics between men and women… and that can be a very gray area… But the male of the species only thinks things are black or white… It would be comparable to back in high school.. If a “smart” kid got into an argument with a “not so smart” kid and began beating him up with knowledge, the “not so smart” kid would reply with a punch in the nose…. And that is what the “not so smart” children of the site are doing to you…. You are too educated for most of them to argue with you, so they revert back to their Neanderthal upbringings… and punch you in the nose… That is it in a nutshell… That was why I became involved in the martial arts about 25 years ago… I wanted to be able to safely play on either field… We can verbally joust or we can throw down… I am prepared for either choice…’

Me: And so you see my torture...I, too, live straddled between both world not living fully in either. The hard exterior, the soft interior...the battle that is endless between my head and my heart that finds a home here... It reminds me of the song ‘Chim Chim Cheree’ song Performed by Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins where the chimney sweep talk about living ‘When there's (h)ardly no day, Nor (h)ardly no night; There's things (h)alf in shadow, and   (h)alf way in light.’ Or perhaps in Memoirs of A Geisha when they say ‘To a man, geisha can only be half a wife. We are the wives of nightfall.’ ‘Geisha are not courtesans. And we are not wives. We sell our skills, not our bodies. We create another secret world, a place only of beauty…to be judged as a moving work of art.’

Him: ‘See?? They are attacking you because they cannot intellectually argue with you… If you want them to like you, post various pictures of naked women… If you want them to respect you, keep doing what you are doing…’

Michael knows the difference; perhaps he’s a far better adversary than I had given him credit for until this moment. He knows there are women who have priceless gifts and others that out of necessity have chosen or bartered the gift of softness for the respect of being important. He has asked me to mindfully chose; I'm not sure that I can.

Of Frogs and Princes and Kings

I’m still reading Alison Armstrong’s book and for as much as I know about interpersonal relationships, her revelations are surprising to me on a few different levels…realization levels.

I’m spending time this morning in thoughtful relating of what I’ve observed with the men around me. What I’ve realized for one thing, is that I’m most attracted to her description of a Prince. It’s the phase of a man’s life where he’s building—his career, his bank accounts, establishing his pillars. I’m drawn to that alpha energy. I guess it’s the reason why I like men about 8-10 years younger than I am right now. It hasn’t always been the case—in fact I’ve had a particular distain for younger men. But not now, their energy level, their masculinity, their sexuality and their understanding of their world is a right fit.

Perhaps this is imprinting for me. It’s the phase of a man’s life that I watched my father go through; with my mother’s completing her role as support staff. How he would go from job to job with my mother meeting him outside of the house, a sandwich and a thermos of tea for him to eat. How he struggled hour after hour taking on odd jobs fixing washing machines, selling jewelry; the work of his hands was always about the proceeds he could produce. It’s not that he didn’t have good enough reasons to behave that way. I counted them. There were of five of our mouths to feed. His need, not want, to bring from Europe both of his parents, his sister, her husband and their 3 children…that makes 10. Ten people needed to live from the toil of my father’s hands. And somehow, after all of it, when my father died, he died a millionaire…yet I’m challenged to find the place where my father left the phase of his life, where he was no longer a Prince, but a King.

I’ve seen it, the men in their 40’s or 50’s who go into a deep chasm…questioning the meaning of life—their life in particular. Some go into a depression that they don’t ever come out of; some take on some new age spiritual learning. I’ve seen both, and as a single woman, neither of which are in any way attractive to me. Having witnessed changes in both of my brothers (although not chasm changes) I have to wonder if this change isn’t somewhat biochemically driven. The testosterone levels drop; the estrogen levels increase and suddenly, a spiritually that women have innately seems to have birthed a new place in a man’s life. It’s so very beta male to me. I see it in L. He’s wearing necklaces and fighter inspired toe nail polish. Yuk. I don’t care if it’s black, pink or red, toe nail polish on any man is just wrong. I don’t ever want to have to share anything cosmetically with a man and I’d be horrified if he asked. Clean toe nails? Yes. Cuticles pushed back? Yes. Neatly trimmed and filed? Yes. Colored toe nails? No! I saw him in a videotape last spring. He looks broken. I looked at the tape and thought he’s useless now; today, I have a better understanding of why. I had always said that he was a prince that behaved like a frog-- but now this emotional circumcision, the death of the man that he was, may change him into the man that he was always meant to be. He’s working at figuring out the pieces of the puzzle of what is left of him. I had heard that he spent some time 'retired' but then came back into is field.

It had always struck me that when I had read an open letter that L. had written to his daughter on his own blog (I read three of them, but they are painful for me to read) that he had said that he didn't know why he did what he did but that he just 'did'. In the letter he didn't ever say that he loved her, or that he might not always be there when she wanted him to be, but that he'd be there when she needed him to be. More than being driven, a king decides with specificity what his is willing to provide.

It reminded me very much of an older man who was trying desperately to court me. I remember because I could not have been any further uninterested...and I will admit that I was a bit of a snobbish bitch to him. I behaved that way to discourage him. His wife had died and told him that she would like him to 'dip into the honey pot'...I'm not sure that I even like being thought of that way by a stranger. He had moved from NY to Arizona to retire...and that was pretty much all that had me interested. His great dream was to go on a tour of the great opera houses of Europe--his fantasy was with me on his arm. It was also, unfortunately his great dream that I would pay my own way. His remark to me was 'you wouldn't want me to spend my last penny on you, would you?' That entire conversation was laughable to me. My first thought was why on earth would I spend MY money capitalizing your fantasy? It wasn't just the Opera houses; it was the fantasy of his having a younger, beautiful woman on his arm. His fantasy was about his prowess...but one he didn't have the portfiolio or pursuation to share. My feeling on the entire matter were that *IF* he didn't have enough money to pay for my hair being done, a gown or two, shoes, a purse and an evening wrap, that he had a cash flow problem that I could assure him would only be worse knowing me. He might have entered the King phase of his life, but all that I saw was a man living his life as pauper.

Knights

I'm reading the Keys to the Kingdom by Alison Armstrong. I wasn't sure that I'd like this book, but I've reached a place that has my attention. Knights…possessing the title of Sir; a place beyond childhood; a member of the brotherhood. I wrote today answering a man who is leaving behind the stage of his life of being a Knight. Knighthood is the phase of a man’s life that I am most familiar with. Knights…where nothing exists in the world but living in the here and now…how they follow their hearts with great tales of adventure to be had…a life before them brimming with fun and challenge.

I saw it this past summer when one of my lifeguards joined the reserves and how the miles of running and boot camp training were, as he said ‘so much fun’. The challenges he saw ahead of him were mere child’s play and what I might consider slightly detached from the reality of what was to befall him.

I saw it in J.’s boyfriend of two years who wasn’t ready to place an engagement ring on her finger. His plans included finishing college, joining the military, (having her follow him around the country—base to base) and waiting for some imaginary law enforcement job to appear ‘guaranteed’ because of his squire ‘training’.

She waited for him, spending weekends alone while he was off playing hockey. He told her it was his last season….then he asked her to wait again this winter while he had decided to travel the country playing hand ball. He asked her for the next number of untold years to wait. I suggested to her that she not. Patterned and predictably his life is about the quest of testing his manhood, exploration and amusement. Fervently driven to what he HAS to do.

I saw in L. when his greatest challenge was winning the heart of a woman who didn’t want him. It’s funny to me because until this moment I hadn’t realized that about him and yet I know that his favorite movie is Dark Knight. I felt the movie was awful and couldn’t find a place of an emotional attachment to it. And yet here he is, traveling the country for a living—his great adventures, training and fighting-- pursuits that he really has no business being a part of—and clear as day, he is nothing more than a knight trying to prove his worthiness to a woman he has sworn allegiance to like knights of old. He trains to capture the attention of a woman who he thinks values the fight.

I’ve seen it in my brothers who scuba—and are willing to give up a mating opportunity to do so, who dirt bike in the desert, who dream of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. Whose ideal of a burial is a sky burial—continued adventures through living in the bodies of birds that have picked their carcasses clean of flesh. It bears witness to the knighthood that remains inside of them.

I’ve seen it in the men that rise up to challenge me on the site that I frequent. Earlier this week I had called them tin soldiers and I realize now why I had. I spoke to ‘Thor’ about this issue this morning. He told me that ’it amazed him that seemingly every girl from Atlantic City bar chicks to 19 year old Catholic virgins still deep down crave cockiness. It’s actually something I’ve actively worked to tone down in myself from the time I was in my teens. But I’m admittedly a white belt in this area of understanding females. The waiting game I think is always horrible for all involved. You can’t predict when and what stage of life you will meet certain people. And your ideal plans are often far from reality.’

Cockiness is definitely something that women like--and I wish you would have shown more of that on your date...but I believe it's also something that does get toned down in men as they mature more and become more comfortable in their own skin. It is a biological imperative for women. *IF *in caveman times, a man wasn't strong enough both emotionally to stand up to other men (cockiness equals a man’s first line of defense), their women were taken from them. If a man wasn't strong enough physically, they were either killed off by other men or animals. Women NEEDED this from men, for without their protection, both themselves and their offspring died.

As animals, we have not changed in tens of thousands of years. One hundred years of women in the workforce—being able to fend for themselves by providing their own food, clothing and shelter has not changed this. The liberation from not needing the protection of her father’s house giving her in caretaking protection to her husband’s house has not changed this. Birth control—meaning that a woman doesn’t need have a man provide for her having born his young, has NOT changed this inside of a woman. Our biological imperative--the imprinted urge that a woman has to find the strongest mate that she can attract--for her protection and survival, has not changed.

For the women that believe that it has, suffer in that loss of consciousness…they have essentially talked themselves out of what is, as women, their birthright. Their chasing men, by their ‘pickiness ‘ of waiting for the perfect mate at the perfect time leaves them most often single and questioning why. What nature, in its’ infinite wisdom instilled, a generation or two of ‘wrong thinking’ has left women at the end of the line of their progeny. For thousands of years of genetic material being carried forward without question, women of this generation have stopped nature in its tracks. The most painful way that I’ve ever heard this described was (collectively) ‘you had children and grandchildren that you didn’t ever get to meet’.

Thor

He walks among us. The G-d of strenth, healing, fertility, holiness and protector of mankind...I see him when I look into the soul of a man who asked for my help. He fights--not just MMA, but he fights for his beliefs. His internal struggle for what he knows is right for his life verses the degradation of what he is witness to.

He writes:

The issue for me isn't that I want to judge and hold past behavior over any woman's head. I have plenty of shortcomings of my own in other areas.

It's plainly and simply for me that I do not see a realistic shot of things working out long term if we are not on the same page. Perhaps it's old fashioned belief about gender roles, but the second one of these girls says something like "sex is fun, but I wish I'd waited longer" or "I dont have my V-card any more but don't think I'm easy" it's pretty much game over.

And it's rough because a bunch of them seem nice, cool, sweet, etc. It's just that I'm not going to throw away an epic hot(cold) streak when tons of girls wind up having to settle for a guy who isn't (sexually active) when they themselves are.
I can relate to J.'s frustration over this issue. One girl who I'm communicating with is coming on extremely pursuasively, putting me on a pedestal, making me question everything and get mad at myself.
Your hypothetical rape issue articulates the belief that virginity is as much a state of mind as a physical state. Said girl would have no control and not have consented.
In offering too much information of my own, yes, I am expecting a girl to bleed for me on the wedding night.
You're absolutely right on the age issue, which is why Ive been so disgusted and confused by all this. The best years to have kids from a purely biologically point of view are not at all in line with the ages when modern American couples are at their most stable and financially secure.
Girls that are 19-22 now, have the best chances in my opinion of being less jaded and corrupted by the world.

For even as staunch as I am in my convictions, I dont know how well I would have fared in an enviornment away from home, with no accountability and surrounded by booze (I dont even drink) and out of control girls. Especially if they caught wind of the MMA thing. Which at that age, I would have made sure they did.
Your personal situation sounds completely understandable. I've often wondered myself if there will come a "zero hour" when my ideals meet head on with stone cold reality in 2011.
You did me an incredible favor by organizing that date, and I won't forget it.
I appreciate your time with me. I just have a pathologically hard time with accepting defeat or giving up on something I really want.
 As for J., what I absolutely do not want to see, is the weight of the world/the pressures of older guys at school, etc. cause her to give up on her convictions and become like everyone else.

I responded:

It is old fashioned beliefs that keep you from either exploring sexuality at a young age or not--and I didn't have a very religious background--although I've always felt a strong identity and tie to my religion. I just knew what was and wasn't right for me. I've always FELT old fashioned--like I was born in a wrong era...but today, if a young girl isn't raised with either strong parental attachment (and note I said attachement-not control--because I believe there is a difference--i.e, two parents working), or religious constraints, it is far too easy to be pressured by either a man telling them that they love them and this is what people in love do;  they get drunk and loose it without having a clear head on their shoulders, or some sort of peer pressure iniation...which is what I had ultimately succumbed to.

It wasn't the girls, but The GUYS who I was working with kept telling me how much sexual fun I was missing out on. I didn't see a husband anywhere on the horizon, and I asked myself what I was waiting for. So I picked someone that I was attracted to, but I wasn't romantically attached to. I didn't want to go through the heartache of sharing every part of myself with a man, only to have him NOT call; I didn't want to have to wonder what he was doing on Saturday night without me. As I said, it was a mistake from this vantage point, but at the time, given the information that I had, I made what i felt was the best decision for me that I could have made.

The girl trying to convince you of dating her likes you--however, her pursuasion is her taking on the masculine role and pursing you. I know you well enough to know that you're the masculine energy. If you continue to allow her to do this to you without putting your foot down, you'll end up resentful. You need to out-masculine her by telling her that this what you think and no amount of arguement from her is going to change that.

However, I am going to remind you that there is a double standard for men and women. For a woman it is virtuous to have waited;  for a man, and the pressure of his peers, he becomes a pussy, beta male for not having had conquests.

I know that in an ideal world what you're looking for is a young virgin, however, if there is a woman who has made a previous mistake--and you like everything else about her, I would ask you to overlook that if you can...If it had been a circumstance that she had been raped--by no fault of her own that she was no longer a virgin, would it be different to you? Would you be able to overlook that unfortunate circumstance? (I'm just asking.) Because truthfully, the older that you get, the harder it's going to be to find a woman who hasn't had some sexual experience. At some age, the scale gets tipped between a woman feeling that she's too young for you/that you are too old for her and what's left for you is a woman with a past. That's painful to hear, but it is the truth. Men always want a woman 7-15 years younger but woman prefer a man who is 2-4 years older. For as much as men look at a woman as old, women feel the same way about a man....that a guy is just too old, too much life experience which means potential pressure on her to have sex with him early, not enough fun, nothing in common, previous baggage of a ex wife and children, alimony, child support and just generalized 'wrong for me'...yes, even at 27...when you're talking about a wanting a girl who is 19.

NO ONE ever wants to think of someone that they love having shared intimacy with someone else. For me it's so gross that if I meet someone that I know slept with someone else, the possibility of me even kissing them is vile. Isn't that crazy? At my age, there are lots of divorced men dating--but dating someone who's ex wife or ex girlfriends I've SEEN completely disguests me.

J.  had actually cried with me over this with her (then) boyfriend saying to me that she waited, why couldn't he? She was ready to stop dating him right then and there....BUT, he was sexually active before he knew her, and there is nothing that he could do, even if he wanted to, to change the past. All anyone can do is to control their behavior with you in their lives--not who they were in the past. It's one of the reasons that I try to convince a woman to give a guy who screwed up in the past another chance. I don't know if you can judge a person today for what they did long ago. It's only his (or in your case her) behavior when she's with you that she has any control over.

I completely agree with the finances and childbearing being out of whack. Even your age is a bit young. Most men are financially ready in their thirty's and certainly by their forty's--but what they don't have, that you do, is the great discomfort of having their wives had former lovers.

It's not the corruption, but the experience of the world that changes people. I'm not sure about 'jaded' verses 'disappointment' as being more accurate. Even with men, there comes a place--and you're not there yet when they wake up and realize that they aren't the corporate tiger that they had once hoped to be...that you can't attract a YOUNG woman anymore, and men come to realize that they are closer to the end of their life than the beginning. It's passages--and women have them, too. They wonder if they had pursued a career instead of a family where their lives would have taken them...it's growth sweety, and it happens for all of us, questioning the choices whether married or not. For as much as you would admirably want to shelter a woman from the storms of life, you cannot--but what you can do is to go through the storms together--in a partnership where you commit to the relationship over choosing to commit to eachother and lean on eachother for support when you need it.

Your girl could be anywhere--but the bible belt should afford you more choices--except that you run the risk of Protestant girls instead of Catholic. I know that it's like looking for a needle in a haystack, but the needles are there.

Janus and Mortal Men

Janus, the G-d of transitions; beginnings and endings...of gates and doorways who both looks to the future and the past.

I had an email this morning from a man--an MMA fighter-- asking for my wisdom (I'm smiling) trying to navigate the online dating world while in his soul is transitioning from his single life to being ready for a married one...his life as a husband and father.

His criteria is that she be young, Catholic and a virgin; that is the foundation that he wants to build his future relationship and family on. He said that he's been patient and disciplined so that he can give 100% of himself to his future spouse and wants the same in return. He has a couple of dates set up for next month, but he's not enthusiastic about any of them. Of the ones that he's writing to, and the one that appears to be the most excited about meeting him he writes: she seems like a nice, educated girl with a similar world-view,  however, she has openly admitted to me that she's not a virgin, so I don't want to put her through needless heartache or waste her time. I'm actually surprised at how frustrated I am over this. I'm not big on settling or compromise. I'm trying to be smart and picky. My friends are telling me to give up on the entire NJ/NY scene and either look in PA or move to FL where some of them live. I have tremendous ties and a good thing going with the NJ MMA scene and the connections I've made. I don't think that is necessary but the majority of girls I regularly encounter are not what I consider wife and mother of my kids material.

(I'll save my response to him for my next blog.)

There you have it--a God who walks among men. I've seen this over and over; I just wrote about this a few days ago in my 'Happy Day' blog. Yes, there are men who will go out every weekend looking for a sexual partner with no forethought of more than release. But in reality men think far less of the women that they have just had sex with than most women know. When you listen really closely, they complain. There is such joy in knowing that there ARE good men out there ready for the right women to come into their lives. All that women need to do is to behave appropriately enough for him to be proud to announce to the world that 'THIS is my wife'. I've seen so many times foolish women complaining that I was good enough to live with him, good enough to have his baby, good enough for blah, blah, blah (fill in the blank) but I'm NOT good enough to be his wife? Correct--you don't behave like a wife until you are one, you have no one to blame but yourself for the lack of the relationship that you ultimately wanted. A man will spend years sleeping with a woman might be feeling a physical connection with, but not an emotional one.

I had another request this week for some advice from a woman who had read in a man's profile "when she closes her arms around a man, she never opens them again"  She asked him what he meant and he said 'that he cannot stand women who look for the highest bidder. That he is tired of women looking for the best deal . That he wants her to stay with him until he dies. When a woman is with someone and she is looking around, that is not love'.

I responded to her that IF he's telling you the truth, this guy has his 'looking for a permanent relationship' sign on. he is ready to find the woman he's going to marry. His player days are over; his days of 'maybe' I'll be with this one and trade up to a better model when she gets old are over. If you're looking/ready to be a wife, this man is a good bet. pat always says that we take a risk on a finite, fallible human being...he's worth the risk of dating, because by continuing to pursue you with mail contact when he could have disappeared, it he has a genuine interest in KNOWING you, not just sleeping with you. He's obviously has had experiences with women who were less than committed to a relationship with him...now what he brings to the table or not, we don't know yet...but i would urge you to give this guy a chance. It may very well be that he's initially clumsy socially--and he was looking for a reaction from you to start a conversation. Or it may be that he wisely pushed your buttons. Some men get attention being good, some men get attention being bad... if he wrote to you and said ''s up'? like lazy men in the online dating world, would you have had any reaction to him at all? Yes, feminine woman look for a good deal, but he hasn't made a offer for a deal to have you--and there's no way to know what he is offering until you go out with him. How you justify this to a man is by not telling him that you are dating others.You get an offer and make a decision while you're still getting offers from other men--until you decide that he's worth risking a monogamous relationship with.

Cavemen

This week started with nip from a 'stupid monkey'. No, I'm not calling him stupid, that's his screen name. He copied my writing to use in his own blog--with some 'comments' of his own. They weren't unkind, just unnecessary. I asked him to remove his page since I have my own blog, but he refused...perhaps annoying stupid monkey would be a better screen name. Some years ago I can remember a woman who would become a mentor say that it was me--that there was a magic in me; a power that would always have lessor mortals try to take, but that for whatever they try to steal, what they can't steal is that 'magic'.

Because of the theft, I'm having more hate on that site than ever. I'm perfectly willing to accept that in some instances male behavior needs some deconstruction to have me understand it, so I asked a few men that I respected from the site, why? One responded: Neanderthals:, what did you expect? You're a woman, and you're strong in your opinions...that's why. (So it's a challenge to their sack.)  So, off to find another member of the species, this time a Neanderthal--a fighter--the same question. He told me it's because you're in a room full of alpha males and you're NOT clamoring for their attention. They need to know their sexual power over you, they need to know that THEY are the most desired man in 'the room', and you're completely unaffected by them. If you would have shown them pictures of your tits and ass and asked for their opinion, you'd be revered.

But the truth is that with rare exception I'm not interested in knowing them. It's their lack of effort. It doesn't matter to me if someone that I've never heard of, someone who's posts I've never read, someone who's new to the boards, someone who's never said a damn interesting thing posts that 'they don't like me'. Who cares? Hit the ignore button don't read what I've written and make us both happy...but then I realize that they can't...they don't want to ignore me...what they want is my attention and reaction. And I know that, because every time one comes buzzing around and annoys me, I offer to place them on my ignore list and they instantly stop. You would think that after all this time, and all of the men that have tried the flame wars with me that they would realize that I'm just better at it than they are...but like hollow little tin soldiers, they keep popping up and trying.

I've been busy working on the corporate financials due in less than 2 weeks so I had a couple of phone calls yesterday telling me that the board was lit up with one thread after another about me. I have very little interest in reading what was said. The warrior in me keeps laughing at the fools knowing that are nothing more than circus dogs jumping up and down, clamoring for my attention. So they make it worse and worse, waiting, hoping for a reaction--any reaction...I've had enough training to know that boys either work to get attention by being good or being bad...there is a difference between being a bad boy--which is attractive and a straight up bully...which comes from a place of cowardice and damaged...which clearly, these men are.

I'm particularly amused by one poster (I don't know who it is--I just heard about the thread) saying that he owned me. Lol. Nothing could be further from the truth of his own delusion. I owned him the moment that he had the first thought of leaving the boards, taking his time to google me, taking his time to find me, taking his time to go back to the boards and start a thread, and funniest of all, I heard that he claimed that I had 'sparkling eyes'-- which is highly unlikely, since no one has ever told me that in my life. And all I needed to do was to stand still. He actions had him 'owned' by me every second of his thoughts consumed...lol--completely enchanted by my sparkling eyes. I guess the only thing he can claim that he 'owns' is the that now everyone knows he holds the title of  internet stalker; congratulations on your achievement--you worked hard for it.

But, there is the other kind of caveman...the one that is alluring...I can remember a couple of years ago my friend Patti--who is also an MMA fan (she edits for another MMA site) and I talking about fighters who we thought would be great in bed. I picked a guy who I'm not attracted to at all, but someone that I thought would be a wild time....Clay Guida...hands down...it's the 'pounce factor' that he has. Sex with him would be some kind of 'hanging upside from the chandeliers', 60 grappling positions in 60 seconds, freaky hit and run that would leave you the next day unable to describe in words what had just happened.

I once had dinner in San Francisco once with a guy who was a colleague; we were also just a little more acquaintenced than that--I had gone to his house (his girlfriend there) on 4th of July to see the fireworks over the Hudson river in Manhattan. I am not, and never was romantically attracted to him. David is not attracted to me either. I've known him through several relationships and singlehood--there wouldn't ever be anything romantic between us. But we had dinner together--I wasn't that hungry; he ordered... we shared one plate of food.  He knew absolutely nothing of what I felt in the experience of sharing this meal. our conversations remained neutral--it was the totality of the experience of the evening that made it memorable.

In fact, have to say that it was the most sensual, intimate cavewoman/caveman experience I've ever had. the civilized parts of us ate with forks, the primitive parts ate with our fingers, he broke apart pieces of a chicken and pushed it to my side of the plate.  I  saved part of the potatoes and carrots for him because I knew he was enjoying them. There was a level of intimacy that was incredible. He was taking care of me as a woman, he offered half of what was his to me. Whether he had hunted and killed, or paid another hunter, it was no less provision for a woman that he cared for. 

It would have been easy that night to have had him drag me by the hair, lay me close to the fire inside of his cave and sleep next to me....

I talked to El about this and she said:  Fran dear heart, you're a VERY sensual woman, and also a strong woman who wants a strong man. To have one sort of man you will almost assuredly have to give up other qualities that are also important to you. You have to sort-out and decide what's more important --because you probably can't have it all! If you want the sensual above the strength, then you're not going to find a man as strong as you'd like (because a man that strong is also going to be pretty much insensate, no reveling in delicate touch). Mine is strong enough for me -- but that means he takes no pleasure in non-sexual touch. Massage doesn't do anything for him unless he's worn himself out at work, and then only because it helps him SLEEP! Petting me when we're watching TV never crosses his mind, because his fingers are not sensitive enough to take any feedback (or pleasure) from it. I can't ask him for a back rub, because he's not able to be gentle enough not to hurt me. {shrug} Would I LIKE a man who found his own sensual pleasure in stroking my leg when we're watching TV? Absolutely!! Would I be willing to give up Michael's aggressive masculinity for it? No. So, I have to give up on my desire for that sensuality in him. {appreciate} (The man you have, not the man you want!
I replied:

I'm sorry that Michael isn't able to provide those moments of sensuality for you...I don't think I could have a happy relationship without one. I do enjoy he sensual as well as the sexual and frequently when I'm in a relationship, the two are tied. I like playfulness in bed and the experience of the sensual through playfulness with cool spring water on hot summer nights, bathing each other...to me it's about the total experience of being lovers. I would hope that in having an alpha male, his femininely balanced masculine energy would allow for both when appropriate. It would be a very empty relationship without this--this is my most feminine expression of my sexuality. Without the sensual enjoyment, I would feel sexually used by a man.

It is NOT that I am comparing this meal to another man's offerings and wishing for the same memory--I am not. I've had other wonderful meals with men and entirely different memories.
What it IS about is inspiration. Either there is nothing about him that I want to continue to get to know or there is. That's the experience. I saw a different side of David that night, and it brought me unexpected pleasure. Give me a place of connection and you have my attention.

Love and Death

Death has come up a few times for me this week, so I guess I should write my thoughts on it. Kathy popped by a few nights ago and religion, as always is a topic of discussion between us. She's so devoutly Christian and I'm so fascinated by the comparative religions, that it's always a learning process. She told me that since she's moved into an over 55 community, that she has many conversations about death, G-d and ethics. It is her experience that many Jews aren't sure of whether or not G-d exists, because if he did, then why would so many have perished during World War II? She talked about her fear, not of death, but of not being prepared to grow old. And then she said something to me that I think is a fascinating concept...that G-d doesn't look at death the way that humans do. When you compare different religions, it is the human experience of the interpretation of what death and afterlife means.

For a moment I thought about L. and his past Mormon upbringing. I heard him say once that *IF* God exists, I'll apologise (for the non-belief) when I get to heaven. Does life's disappointments lead you to fall that far away?

This morning E. wrote about the sudden death of her husband from a heart attack this past summer. For all of the past pain that she had felt for his depression, that there is always pain for loving someone who is depressed on many different levels. It's a woman, sharing a man's pain (because we compassionate); it's the pain of not having your relationship with that man not be all that you had hoped and dreamed of including not having your needs met or the love returned in ways that are the most meaningful to you. There is the pain of not being able to care take well enough, to sooth or heal them enough. The fear of the possibility of suicide and that potential pain as well as the emotional torture of not knowing that if it's something you, personally, did or didn't do that has our hearts aching for another's pain. My mother used to tell me how difficult it was being a mother because her child's pain was always her pain as well. El said that because of her love for her husband; because she knew the depth of his depression; and that she loved him in spite of his despair, she would have stayed with him when he died so that he didn't have to die alone. It was his perception that he was unloved--and she would have been with him to prove that he was loved. She said that she thought suicide was a bad choice, but people are allowed to make bad choices.

I'm not sure that I agree with that. In a different way, I completely understand what she wrote. When my father was dying of cancer, he kept saying that he wished he were already dead, that he had thought about it at the time that he had some availability to arsenic and 'why didn't he take some when he wanted to'? I thought about it, because he didn't ask me directly, but voiced his emotional pain--could I really help him commit suicide if he asked me to? And my answer was yes, that I could. That there was enough love and respect for his decision of how to live or how to die that I could without any guilt; without any higher moral authority deciding when he would live or when he would die.

So, I asked to see someone that I knew well enough to know that it would remain private, and I brought my father's heart medication with me. I closed the door and asked him how much of each...and he told me.

My father didn't ever ask me to assist in his suicide, but he stopped eating. I KNOW that part of the terminal process of cancer is that a patient does become anorexic--but my father went through world war II as a survivor and he saw first hand death from starvation....and truthfully, for as much as I know about medicine, I couldn't tell you which one was the determining factor in his death. But as El said,  in wanting to be with her husband so that he wasn't alone, there is a privilege in being with someone at their death. They brought you to life in one way or another and there is nothing more caring than in their last moments not to be alone. My mother died alone in a hospital and it kills me that she did because she kept asking me, how come you don't call me? How come you don't come to visit?....and when I did, I would stay for a half hour and leave. I was all caught up in work, and I knew she was dying. She was my best friend and I didn't have the emotional capacity to know how to deal with her death...and I have guilt over that. I was far closer to her than my father--and yet I took care of him every day. I was ten years older when he died, and many more years wiser with the compassion and strength it took to be there.

Happy Day or Haagen Dazs?

M. wrote:

Will someone please help me stop?!?!?

I know it's the oxytocin making me crazy but since it's now been 1 week since our 2nd date and no call/text, I've managed to convince myself that the Cl. thing is one of those two-date wonders and he's now dropped off the face of th earth never to be heard from again. I mean, how hard is it to send a text message for God's sake? So no contact for a full week is really not a good sign.

I'm not going to say this "always" happens to me but it sure has happened A LOT in my dating past. I don't get it. Why do men do this? Normally I would just be annoyed and move on since I'd figure "he's not that into you" but with Clayton it's different. I KNOW he's into me. I'm not imagining things went well when they didn't... I KNOW the dates were both waaaay up there as far as good dates go. Even from a physical chemistry perspective alone - I hope this isn't too graphic but when we had all that passionate kissing I, um, could tell he was aroused :). You'd think he'd want a 3rd date just to try his luck!! (since he has no idea yet that I'd pull the no casual sex card).

And yes, I realize everything is just words words words... but I'm baffled as to how a guy can tell you how much he likes you, that you're amazing, all these bloody compliments, take you to one of the most expensive restaurants in town...and then pull away. I mean, he was even going on this tangent about the Myers-Briggs personality types and what type I was and then looking it up on my phone to see how I supposedly am in relationships and our compatibility (it was good).

Isn't it too early for him to be rubber banding or whatever, or going on an 8 week wait? I thought you had to have more of an actual established relationship for that. The only possible explanation I can think of is that he's already gone on holiday - he did mention that he had a trip back to his hometown (a 4-hour plane ride) for a few days and then from there the Turks & Caicos with his buddies. I never asked when or for how long. It just seems weird that he would go away without so much as a peep!!! Is this some lame 29-year-old guy method to "keep me on my toes" (as he referred to)... since it was probably obvious from the look in my eyes that I was smitten?

Anyway, now my phone is ringing off the hook with all these duty dates and I can't get excited at all. The only one I'm somewhat tempted by is C. just because he's so masculine and I feel like making out with him (or more) would possibly unbond me from Cl.

Ugggggh I'm so miserable. Now I feel so stupid for letting myself be vulnerable and getting hooked on him from just 2 measly dates and some kissing. :(

OK M.--Your crys for help are here being answered...you need to get yourself off of the rollercoaster....go for a run, take a zumba class, a nice hot bath, go feel the fabric of some pretty clothes, take a stroll through a pet shop. You need to do some 'feel good' things to stop the rumination of the addictive thoughts caused by the oxytocin going on inside of your head.

One of a few things could be going on- this may be 'man time' which is very very different from 'woman time'. while every second feels like an eternity, men compartmentalize--IF he's busy with work, a sick relative, heading on vacation, dating, taking a break from dating, thinking about going back with an ex--whatever--he's not thinking about you.

This is why we always give a guy 8 weeks to call before becoming grumpy...his time-frame from having a thought to having it move into the feeling center of his brain (as in he's missing you) could take up to 8 weeks. However, having said that, I've had men call me back 8 months to a year later telling me that they weren't ready then, but are now. You don't know what the universe has planned for you--but there is the saying that  'rejection is protection'--and if he doesn't come back to you, then he wasn't meant to. His being gone clears the way for the right man to come into your life.

I can tell you, that according to men that i know, sometimes things that get hot and heavy right away--although a man will jump on it--ultimately complain. Let me give you two examples....and both of these women slept with guys on their first dates. One is a friend who told me about a beautiful girl he met in
Las Vegas...he told me that was inside of every orafice within 2 days of meeting her...she was so very sure she was in love...he felt nothing but gratification. Second guy was my brother--and although he ended up in a relationship with this girl--she pursued him the entire time they were together. He laughed when he said to me that she thought, that he thought she must be special. He said to me 'I had known her 6 hours, how special could she have been to me?'

Whether or not you slept with him, he might just be feeling a physical connection to you, but not an emotional one. Men are charming. they are or we wouldn't like them so much. You have to ask yourself, that if you responded to his charm the way that you did, wouldn't other women? And the answer is of course. So all of the 'myers briggs' compatabliity look ups and the 'wouldn't a relationship be great' is just whipped cream on the ice cream to get you to respond positively to him...and it worked.

As for him going away and not a peep from him, he doesn't owe you that. You're not his mom or his girlfriend. Would it have been nice? Sure, but you can't put your head on his shoulders...and THAT should be grounding for you. You're more invested in this than he is.

Now here's your bit of scolding....we don't get to call a guy lame just because he isn't doing what you want, when you want. And we both KNOW that it's only the men that keep up on our toes that we're interested in. those are the men that excite us with possibility.

Keep duty dating--that's the point; to practice retaining your excitement when you are and restraining yourself from the Haagen Dazs when you're not.

Today's Stream of Consciousness

Michael and I talked on the phone yesterday before he headed off to teach in his BJJ gym. He giggles alot. I guess that's why he tells me that every day when we write, I bring a smile to his face and to please not stop. In his last note, he told me his gym nickname in Portuguese or that I might call him 'Uncle Mike". I told him that 'Uncle Mike' was my father and that I'd never call him that, but under the right circumstances I just might call him 'daddy'. He replied: How does one get oneselves in a situation, where... maybe, just maybe.... you would call me daddy... Would love the chance.. ;) XOXO Much love, Michael.

It's nice to have an 'opponent' who's as equal a class A flirt as I am. I'm missing that and wished that it was real, but it's not any more real than the flirting with the guys behind the deil counter when I ask them what they would recommend or the waiters when I reach my hand out and let them take to help me down the stairs to my table while I'm smiling and giving them an eye flirting by lowering my eyes and looking back into theirs in an act of submission.

I was dumping some old emails and came across the last note I had gotten from L.

Um ok... I got an idea too, don't visit me in NJ. I'm glad your old fashioned. Everyone needs a value set... Mine is that of a 13 year old. Don't worry, won't send you another text or message. And your very welcome to stay on my website... Even though I'm a little hurt by your message since, you were the one who led me this direction... Let me give you advice, in the future after flirting and teasing, it's import to just write, "went to far" sorry. Not a full page disortation.... Btw yes your message is that stinging and out of the blue, I'm hurt. Bye!

I wish I could go back in time and change that moment with him, but I can't--I tried. He knows himself certainly better than I ever would, and if he said that his value set was that of a 13 year old, I have to believe that. I wish that I would have been able to have motivated him to have modified his behavior, but at that time, his anger was bigger than his heart. I've never forgotten his kiss, and it saddens me most of all is that he kept his promise...I've never heard from him again. But it is also the truth that he needed to leave or he wouldn't have gone through the emotional changes that E. forced  him to go through. She was a gift to him. It wasn't the gift he wanted; but none the less she was a gift.

I was talking to one of the girls on one of the relationship site that I moderate, I asked her if she had tried to behavior modify her date; she said:

I didn't say anything reasonable to him about how I didn't like his behavior. Instead I went into a sort of haze and even made out with him later that night. I'm ashamed of that and also interested in why I would get so out of touch with my feelings and act against my better judgement in that way. I guess knowing these options for communicating will give me a way out of auto-pilot next time something like this happens with another man.

About blind-siding... I understand that I shouldn't block M's number BUT I don't want to answer him if he calls. What in the world could I say to him now? Also, can a man really change from that kind of dramatically awful into a gentleman? Shouldn't a person just KNOW not to act like that around someone he barely knows? I'm not one of his 'boys.' ....

I responded:

Don't beat yourself up over this--you liked him--this is just a big tug between your head and your heart and we all learn in baby steps.

You're having gone into a haze was just you protecting yourself from being hurt--we can't blame you for that. But walking Pat's walk is learning how to effectively communicate with the opposite sex. I always compare us as cats trying to get along with dogs. And I don't mean that disparagingly--we're just two different species struggling for intimacy...to be understood, accepted and ultimately irreplacably loved.

You may be able to find the voice of your heart next time--maybe not--maybe partially--but know that this is a process... one of you finding your way home to your truest self.

*IF* you choose to unblock M's number, or *IF* you would consider dating him again (and I'm NOT saying that you should) you could always say that you needed some time and space away from your last date to process what you were feeling and that you felt that any interaction from him would only confuse you until you were clear about how you felt and what you ultimately didn't want. (Remember as feminine energy we come from a place of don't want). You didn't want to feel embarrassed that he saw you as less than worthy in front of strangers. you didn't want to feel uncherished in being forced to stand while he sat,  You didn't want to be uncomfortable as his treating you like one of the boys instead of a woman...on and on until you're clear. Maybe writing them here will help you peel back the layers of what you were really feeling--then we could help you formulate what you would say to him if you choose to. I think it would be a good exercise for you.

But to answer your question, yes, a man CAN change that much. I've seen it. But unfortunately I wasn't on the receiving end of his love. I wished that I was, but it was another woman. I watched him grow--and grow up--telling her on one of his blogs that he had changed and how sorry he was that he had behaved like a 16 year old--(with me, he said 13, but that was a few years beforehand.) I'm sad that it wasn't me, but some other woman that he loved and lost gave him an emotional circumcision, and NOW at 43, he finally like a man.

Yes, it might have been the oxytocin 'haze' that has you turning emotionally, but if you keep dating and 'smelling' other men, it confuses the body and the addictive chemical reaction.

Pat says that we keep dating--even the one's without chemistry until he stops calling, or someone else takes you off the market because you never know if and when the chemistry may develop...it has absolutely happened for me 'late'. Once was with a man I had known for a year and I thought he was a bit of an ass; we were at a holiday party chatting--all was well--then he kissed me on the neck goodnight--and everything inside of me gasped...for a moment,  I couldn't breathe...bingo and oh my gosh instant chemistry!

Another time was with a guy who was relentlessly pursuing me--it took me 10 weeks of dating him before I would even let him kiss me! But the chemistry eventually happened and we dated for about a year.

Even on your duty dates it is still your job to look good, sound good, smell good, taste good and feel good. What this man is paying for when he is dating you is the joy that he gets of being in your company for those few hours. If you're behaving like you don't want to be there, you can't expect a man to be inspired to call, so I give your guy credit for trying again.

Comfort

I've spent the last 48 hours or so being involved in some online nonsense over what I consider to be my intellectual property. I had responded to a man on a site that I frequent over his asking for opinions on whether a woman should 'potty' in front of  her boyfriend.

I responded:

This is a girl, not a woman--and I even use that term loosly....perhaps a man with a vagina would be more aptly put.

A woman should retain not only some outward modesty, respect for his privacy and keep the allure of her sexuality under wraps. Now his memories of her are her bowel functions instead of her raw unbridled, uninhibited, explored sexuality.

He has lost the fantasy of her, forever. Where and how deeply a woman choses to explore the layers of her sexuality and share that with a man is her business. but dropping fecal matter in a toilet front of a man is different.

This is the same as burping, farting and other uncouth acts that don't belie a woman's femininity. Men are drawn, enticed and seduced by the differences between men and woman, not their similarities. In fact, I'm not even sure that a man should be in the delivery room when a woman gives birth...what has been seen cannot be unseen and it changes PERCEPTION forever.  And as I said, even in a marriage, I believe there are some things that should remain private. A woman should never forget that this man is her LOVER and behave in his presence accordingly--she's NOT one of the guys.

To be a feminine is to be hidden, soft and modest. There is a place in a woman's life to be untamed...and it's not openly sharing a bathroom.

He has lost the woman who comes to his bed powdered and perfumed willingly waiting to be taken, released from sociatal moires and constrictions. Every dream he has ever had in reliving those moments of having her gasping at her most raw, most sexual, most desiring of having him entered in every part of her being has been reduced in one moment... to 'plop'...

Her confusion on this issue leads me to wonder if perhaps the Europeans have it right after all, with finishing and charm schools; while we as American women, are left with a less than glimmering shadow of what women's liberation (eye roll) had intended; with a 'let it all hang out'; say whatever's on your mind without a filter; and the 'devil may care attitude' over what we do has ultimately left both sexes confused as to their roles and their gut reactions (typically of horror...).

Someone else on the site took my verbiage, copied it to HIS blog and added his own comments--his basic conclusion was that I was correct....OF COURSE I am. I was not, however, in any way happy that he in essence copied my opinions for his own use. He didn't respond on the thread, he saved them for his own blog.

I asked him to remove his blog page, and he refused, which started a battle on the site with most of the men siding with him and saying that they would rather have their eyes burned with hot pokers than read my writing; I'm OK with that...but they failed to realize that his 'flattery' of copying my opinions meant that he LIKED IT. Some people like my writing; some people don't, but everyone has an opinion--and that's what makes not only brilliance, but power....but I'll save that thought for another post.

I discussed this with a girlfriend last night, who is an published author-- since I've been working on the book on masculine/feminine energy for about a year and 'potty time' was indeed going to be included...she told me that this kind of thing runs rampant. And yes, there was a point in her first marriage where she would potty in front of her husband until one day he said to her 'you really shouldn't do that' and she stopped.

What is laughable to me is that the guy who 'lifted' my conversation for his blog actually asked me to provide him with the url address here. Does he really think that I'm dumb enough to give him access to steal more of my 'work' for his own benefit? Sorry buddy, but you're going to have to figure out how to have an opinion on something without me or work a whole lot harder to find me. I had alot of traffic to this blog overnight, so perhaps he, or others did.

It lead me to be thinking about comfort and the advice I gave to someone just last week regarding a guy whom she really liked. She had been waiting for him--like women do. Waiting for his calls, him to ask her out again, waiting for him to decide that she was the one he wanted to pursue a relationship with....waiting. And when they finally had the date she had been waiting for, his behavior was less than the sterling gentleman she had hoped that he was. He dropped f-bombs, told racist jokes, and generally behaved like an ass...while she said nothing to him during the date, but subsequently blocked him from contacting her again.

I said to her:

We as women are taught to live in our discomfort. I can remember my mother telling me at a very young age that 'if you want to be beautiful you have to suffer'. So we learn to suffer our diets and execise and the pain of waxing and plucking and menstrual cramps and childbirth--on and on. so when we're brought upon by some 'discomfort' we tend to hold it in and suffer through it.

This is about being able to GRACIOUSLY verbalize our discomforts and hope that a man rises to the occasion to ease our discomfort.

Some years ago, as I first began practicing Pat's teachings, I consciously 'played' at this. I was in Las Vegas at a conference, and a guy who I had just met had asked me to have breakfast with him. Now typically, I would have just aid I need to find the waitress and ask her to bring me some ketchup...but I didn't. All that I said was "I need ketchup". Bingo--like a jackrabbit he was up and getting it for me. I couldn't believe that it was that easy and that 'it worked'.

This is a deeper level of being able to voice your 'discomfort' at a man's behavior, but very necessary work because it lays the groundwork at being able to skillfully negotiate your relationship when the time comes for engagement, marriage or even being able to voice your 'entrance fee' for sex.

I realized this morning, that I haven't taken my own advice--which is either to withdraw or graciously verbalize my feelings on this. These are mostly 'street level' men--boys that haven't grown up or somehow think that it's OK to 'punch a girl' and get away with it sitting behind a keyboard. These aren't men, but piranahs who jump onto a feeding frenzy of hate the moment it appears. So, I think that it's in my best interest to withdraw to private messages on threads that I feel are important enough to address with the time and thought I've placed in the above posts.

Since I've been asked to moderate not one, but two different sites on relationships, it is obvious that there some very learned people who appreciate my 'getting it'. This has just been a matter of realizing that with very little exception on that site, instead of sitting in my discomfort, that my needs aren't being met and moving on.

Arrogance

I came across someone responding 'lol, poor guy' in her misunderstanding of a man's response and her own lack of feminine energy. She had written in her online profile in the 'what I'm looking for' section 'if you wish, you might send me a message letting me know why you think that I might be interested in a place in your life'. Ouch, that's incredibly brusk. She had a responder say to her that 'there appears to be a failure somewhere veiled in an arrogant demand'. Good for him. She said that he had written more, but she had chosen not to respond to him.
Initally, it might appear offensive that he would have made such a remark to her, but the reality is that he is right. I offered her my opinion:

Pat calls this 'topping from the bottom'...meaning that what appears to be a feminine request is actually back-handedly masculine. I'm going to presume that you're looking for an man with yang/masculine energy...am I correct? If I am, then your profile is written from the masculine. It is the men that vie for a position in our life by interviewing FOR us, not to a request of 'dance for me'--or in this case asking him to perform the task of 'tell me why'. Just like in a job interview where a man would be telling you all of his attributes of why he's the best candidate, so will a man who is interested in you--without asking. I didn't believe this until I started noticing that they would...that the emails I received from men who were interested in me were filled with men telling me all about their lives.

That dates that APPEAR to be of men bragging and bored to tears one sided conversations are actually men interviewing for a position in your life.

It's always a man's choice (as to who he dates) but a woman's perogative to say yes or no to what he offers.

Your responder is correct--it is arrogant and 'in your face' to say to a man 'tell me why I might be interested in being in your life'. Feminine energy is to be receiptive to what he might offer to bring to your life without asking for it. It might be easier to think of this as action verses reaction. He is a guy responding (reaction on his part) to your action of asking for a man to 'entertain you with his wit and purpose' instead of allowing him to do the entertaining (action) while you stand still..sweetly smiling (reacting).

Unless he has something else in his profile that is a blatent red flag, I'd ask you to reconsider him....here is masculine energy at it's finest...a man who's willing to go toe to toe with you--yang to yang--and let the better 'man' win...I'd betcha dollars to donuts he comes out the winner...and without knowing anything else about you, he already knows it.

Non-negotiables

My non-negotiables--I have three. That he be stronger than I am; that he be smarter than I am; and that he needs to have some gentleman in him and some street--and that he be wise enough to know when each was appropriate. That's the amount that I'm 'allowed' to have. I'd have a list of a hundred things that I *want* in a partner, but it needed to be distilled down to three. I've been O.K. with that for a couple of years...that is, until 2 days ago.

I don't watch Oprah; I haven't in many, many years. I'm natually observant; it's how I'm wired When I watched Oprah become racist, I stopped watching her. Yeah, I said that; it's my opinion that she is. I watched her walk out at the beginning of her show when she would slap hands with her audience members and only touch the black members. I watched her at the Oscar's when Halle Berry won hers, and Jamie Fox gave her a shout out. I watched her raise her arm in 'black power' definance...I'm old enough to remember the movement and the raised fists. She was 'over' for me in that moment. And it appears that much of my life and relationships have been that way. It's in one defining moment that things change for me.

Here's the point. I was channel surfing this week and came across one of Oprah's life lessons. Dr. Phil was on; I guess it was before he had his own show. It was about a couple deciding whether or not to marry and they had a 'T" bar drawn with pro's on one side, and con's on the other. The male fiancee' was angry at the female and had orchestrated a scenario where the female would come home and find him in bed with not one, but two women. She was still considering marrying him. On the con side went up the words 'he's willing to hurt you' and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Kathy had called asking me if I knew of any other neighbors with a water heater problem that she was having. I told her that almost 4 years ago at a board meeting, someone had brought this up and was argueing with the manangement company that his neighbor had told him that the manangement company had paid for the correction. She couldn't believe that I remembered that...but I did. I had been in touch with Frank over the last couple of weeks and she knew that I had spent the better part of ten years loving him. I had thought about it when he called. Could I forgive him enough to start over from the beginning. Dr. Pat would have told me to. That what ever relationship I had in the past with him had nothing to do with a relationship now. He threw hints to me; I didn't pick them up and toss them back. I couldn't. I couldn't forget every mean thing he had ever said to me. He was willing to hurt me.

Michael wrote to me this week. It took him a week to process what he had done. He wrote: Don't know if you are still speaking to me. Just wanted to ask you how thw ankle is coming along? Hope everything is good with you.

I wrote back say that it wasn't that I wasn't speaking to him, but that he and I had different understandings of friendship and in my world, you know who your friends are by who shows up. And since he had turned down three offers, I didn't exactly know where he fit.

He then responded: I thought there was a misunderstanding about me coming up that very Saturday to do something about the mold. I had good intentions, but we did not have the material. I guess that was my fault, not communicating that to you in the right way. I am not trying to come up with excuses, because I did cause all of this. I am hoping that someday, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I feel horrible that you cried over that. Honestly. Maybe we can start over as friends. I loved getting mail from you even more than you did from me. It is always great to get a females opinion on things. I will keep writing every day. I hope you don't mind. And don't get all crazy and leave. Guys have a hard time with a strong woman who voices her honest opinion.

I asked him that "if he wanted to start over as friends" what he had thought that I was offering him before?  But of course he had every right to do he wanted, whenever he wanted and that I had only hoped that he would do something for me that he said that he would. Low and behold, I had waited 24 hours
and there was dead silence from him. At that point, I expected it from him; and it was unfair. Man time is slower than female time. I was honest with Michael about his having hurt me--that I had lost him as a friend, and I said to him that I guessed that all pain comes from wanting.

But looking at my interaction with him yesterday, I'm questioning whether my yang male energy is rising up for the protection of my heart or still being opened to the possibility of friendship. Or, whether there is a part of me that feels that he hurt me, he was willing to hurt me, and it's just time to move on with my life without his friendship as my awareness-growth for what is or isn't acceptable in my life. Would it be 'doormat' to let him back into my heart that far or a different understanding that my friendship with him would be peppered with disappointments knowing from this place forward that he's 'limited' and accepting of that?

His last email read: Fran, I am glad you are so direct with your words and thoughts. They are piercing, but they speak the truth. I guess that is why some people on the site do not like you. They cannot deal with the truth. Anyway, How is your Friday? Going good, I hope. Looks like it's going to be a nasty weekend. Even talking about snow. Geez, already? How was PT and how is the ankle feeling? wearing high heels yet? It has been a very hectic, but very productive week for me. Early next week, I am going to sit down and start the thread that I promised. I don't know what to expect, but it will be interesting. Have a great weekend.... Michael


I don't know the answer yet; this still needs some processing time...

What Is The Truth?

Michael hasn't written back this morning. I didn't expect him to; he's feeling badly about his behavior and I'm going to respect his space to process it.

I listened to a podcast by LH last night. It's been a long time since I've heard his voice. It's changed; his lecturing style has changed. He has 'up-talk' now; maybe he's been to some antiquated 'training the trainer' seminar that told him to end a sentence as if he were asking a question...popular 17 year ago...it was also peppered with OKs? and alright's? It's different, and it's back-peddled from the super-polished style he used to have. He's gone through some emotional upheaval in the last year; maybe he's more integrated as a man but regressed to a earlier emotional age.

I've never stopped thinking about him and how much I still believe that we would have been great together had the planets been aligned differently. I learned things about him last night...how much he knew about my side of the business, how that he had always said he hated my side, apparently he had a new found respect for investors need to be in the housing market (or he's lying and just smearing butter to line his wallet)...and he said he's wired to always tell someone exactly what he's thinking of them...ouch...I had always hoped that there was shock value hype to what he had said (lied) about me; but perhaps that is his percepted truth.

I've been chatting online with a few girls about dating. Someone had posted a relationship guru's list of do's and don'ts which were geared toward 'being friends' first and not engaging in romantic endeavors but suggested going out for pizza and bowling. I told her that his list had to have been written for 13 year old's. I received back some sarcastic comments that she would assure me that she wasn't 13 and couldn't see what was wrong with pizza and bowling and that she and I were very obviously looking for different men. I told her that I wasn't sure that it was different men as much as she should consider that she and I were looking for different relationship styles.

She wrote: So are you saying that dating is : * A sexual opportunity * What you do to impress others * A conquest ??I think he's trying to advocate not jumping in bed with the first guy that asks you to and to actually get to know a person. At least that's what I got out of it.

I responded: Anthropologically speaking, yes, dating is a potential opportunity to mate. That is the reason that people date ultimately is to pair-bond. Male animals bring food and other 'gifts' to females to impress them enough to have the female chose who she will mate with. His providing his gifts were the only opportunity he had to move his genetic material forward to future generations. It is his biological imperative. When a male of the human species takes a woman to dinner, he's impressing her with the fact that he can provide for her and his potential brood.

IF a man (takes you bowling or out for pizza) he has not proven himself worthy of having YOU as a potential mate. that is the reason that women look for a man who can cherish,  protect and provide. From the beginning of time, without a man's ability to protect you and your children, you died. Without his ability to provide for you and your children, you died. Without his cherishing you--WANTING to protect and provide, you and your children died.

Now you may say that you have the finances to protect provide and cherish your children without him, but the last 100 years hasn't changed our biological directive.

She responded: Anthropologically speaking - I think that's hogwash! I don't care if a guy takes me for pizza and/or bowling. I'm not looking at dollar signs. (Well, maybe a little, he has to be able to afford the pizza and bowling and not expect me to pay.) I'd rather go for pizza and enjoy myself than go to a 5 star restaurant just to have some guy try and impress me with his wallet. I don't get where food and gifts of pizza and bowling are not worthy.

I replied: Well, then perhaps, unlike me, you aren't looking for a covenant relationship. By the way, who said anything about a guy 'trying to impress you with his wallet' as cogent to 'NOT enjoying yourself'? Did you consider what you said? As an aside, you might want to consider reading Helen Fisher, PH.D. a lot of her work is like-kind material. Perhaps you won't consider it hogwash coming from her.

If pizza and bowling are worth your time as first dates, have at it. They aren't for me; it says 'as a man, I can't afford to treat you better'...accept or reject is Pat Allen's mantra; you would accept/ I would reject.

Another girl wrote: I'm from a humble background and I'm 46 years old. A pizza dinner would suit me just fine. If I wait for some man to give me better treatment  I'd be waiting a long damn time.

Fran, you are very helpful but sometimes I feel like you and I live on different planets. See, we don't all want the same type of person. My idea of a great partner isn't alpha enough for Fran and her idea of a great partner would bore me to tears. I'm gathering that you want someone similar to yourself, and very down to earth and fun - not merely what you think you can get.

I replied: I'm not sure if it's the same 'type of person' as much as the same type of relationship'.  Yes, I like my men on the far ends of the bell curve of alpha--because I'm an alpha--and he has to be able to out-alpha me.

The reason that you feel that you and I live on different planets is because I've lived the Pat Allen guide to androgenous realignment, dating and mating for longer than you have---there is growth that comes from knowing what you don't want, understanding when what a man offers isn't good enough verses taking any crumbs that he throws and at your feet and even as a single, filling out a relationship contract. When I first joined A's group and I read the kinds of things that I write about here--and all of those women's high standards, I felt much the same as you do...a great big 'give any guy a chance' and say yes, please and thank you to ANYTHING he offered. but truth be told, except for one--who is currently having her boyfriend cave and come out it with a pre-nup--everyone of them is married--and married well; to wealthy men that they couldn't be happier with.

Each set their standards of what they wanted and didn't settle. A. now has 2 kids, full time care, and her own office with 'no one touching her stuff' (on her single-gal relationship contract) no less than 4 weeks vacation per year, etc. She said no to dates that were 'walks in the park' and 'coffee dates', but 'yes' to cocktails with one guy while leaving him after an hour or so to have a late dinner with an other suitor--and let the best man win. Yes, she was engaged 4-5 times before the right one--but damn it--she was asked 4-5 times for her hand! The one engagaemnt that I was a ring-side witness to happened after knowing him for two weeks--I don't know the kind of magic that it takes to make that happen, but my mother always told me that her father told her, that when the right one comes along, you just know.

Pizza and bowling as an 'impression' first couple of dates are beta dates. Beta's either try to get themeselves an alpha female because they they need to be the feminine energy and want to be the one's who's feelings are cherished; or they will find an even more beta female because they know that it so little to make her happy.

I don't need five star restaurants all of the time--sometimes, there's nothing better than a half portion oriental salad at Applebee's...but I view those as comfort dates, not first impressions of 'will he or won't he make it past the first three dates'.  I'm not saying that 'let's stay in have pizza and a movie' night is a bad date-- sometime--but that's a date with an established boyfriend, not a date with a man who's trying to impress you. If you're impressed with a ten dollar pizza date, OK--no arguement from me, but I'm not.

One more womanl chimed in: that 'if you think you'd be waiting a long damn time' with that attitude about yourself, you're probably right! As for 'I feel like Fran and I live on different planets...this is also a matter of expectations and 'what we look for' in the world. It may be because Fran and I are older (and east coasters?), that we expect more of men that you younger women -- and esp. you California girls! (Yes, the ten years older I am than you makes a difference! {wink}) I, too, used to be astonished at some of the girls' standards. I'm still kinda astonished, and yet she was a relationship coach, who really knew her stuff (way WAY more femme than I managed, back then! Tee hee hee!) She did a lot to explain to me where my Yang/masculine views were tripping me up!

And yet, having a high standard -- expecting that a man will buy you dinner and not just coffee; holding yourself (SEEING yourself!!!) as worth more than a pizza dinner creates that in your life. You have a history (here, at least) of worrying about "men" being able to buy you dinner, and worrying about their funds, and ... just generally mommying them rather than expecting THEM to take care of you!

You might do well to work on EXPECTING men to buy you dinner, on seeing yourself as NOT a cheap date: you needn't be an *expensive* date -- but you seem as if you're thinking 'ooh, I don't want him
thinking I'm a golddigger, so I'll accept the very, very least he is willing to give. And tyhen try to 'pay him back' by buying him food too.' " And, so, the men you draw into yours life are poor or cheap!

Fran (and I) have reached the stage in our ... awakening... where we know we're worth a helluva a lot! A man has to work to prove himself worthy of me. (Yes, even fat, old, and a bit abrasive... I'm still a helluva prize!) *I* am not willing to settle for some guy who isn't truly (TRULY) adding to my life!! And he has to add to it with finances as well! Not that I'm a golddigger, but if he doesn't add (a lot) to my life, I don't have time for him (except as a friend). And yes, in the long-run,I prefer a pizza dinner to getting all
dressed up for a fancier dinner. But dating -- and more importantly COURTING -- is where the man is showing you that he can and will provide! He is "peacocking" because that's what makes his worth your
time! If a man's first offer of dinner is pizza, I will go, but I will be leery of his ability to 'take me on.'
If you keep thinking, "well, I'll accept ANY kind of treatment so long as he takes me out" -- the men you'll attract will be the type of men who don't think that their evening is graced and improved by the beauty and meaning you've brought to it! Michael used to STRESS that 'all your girls' need to understand that the man is PAYING for the chance to be with a gracious attentive woman (you know, a yin: receptive, available, respectful?) ALL the payment he gets is your charming presence -- and that IS worth money to a man!