I happened to be on one of my social networking sites this morning and noticed that one of the girls who I personally mentor about relationships had made a comment to her recently broken up boyfriend on his status. He was commenting about a little hottie he had noticed in yoga pants and a hoodie.
My mentee said she “liked” his comment status. Ouch. It seems a little angry and inappropriately bitchy.
J.’s every move in her and her boyfriend’s relationship was passed by me for the first 6 months—and after that, when anything went wrong. She always says that she would have never had that relationship without me. The sweetest things that she has done recently are a: to teach what I’ve taught her to another girl navigating the beginnings of a relationship and b: to ask herself when she’s in a pickle “what would Fran do?” I’m smiling.
A. is a great guy—or at least used to be. He did what a man does when he meets a woman that he wants. He courted her. He dated her, he bought things for her, he attended church with her because her spirituality was important to her, he waited to be physical with her until she was ready, and he begged her not to go to school out of state.
A year passed and J. headed off to school; she wondered where her engagement ring was and then she asked me to talk it out with her.
J. is a grounded bright and beautiful girl; she’s lived a life where although she isn’t poor, she’s watched her parents struggle daily. She wants a different life than that—and I believe that she’ll have one.
A., her boyfriend, has told her that he’s contented to live quiet life in a middle class town and have a two week vacation once per year. J. not only wants, but needs more. I told her that I would be happy for her if she were to marry him; I would be happy for her if she didn’t. Only she could decide how big or small she needed her world to be.
I told her that the world was full of men who would be happy to wine and dine her and show her lots of pretty lights. There is a world full of men who would be happy to welcome her into their world and give their world to her in return. I told her of the men that offered me vacations to exotic lands; men that have negotiated with me what size (his minimum was 7 carats) and what color diamond (pink or yellow) I’d like for my engagement ring and whether I’d be interested in being married in the front hotel or the back tower of the Plaza Hotel.
I told her that the next 10 years of her life will be all about experiences and how those will change her. That the things that men shared with me when I was young became a part of who I am today and are still very much things that I love…when I was 21 my boyfriend who was older by 8 years dragged me around looking to complete his 18th century oak furniture collection. That led me to share those experiences with a supervisor who was on the national board of the Victorian society. Every time he (my supervisor) went on vacation I was the only one of his subordinates who received French perfume, jewelry and collection of Waterford crystal. I suppose I must have been blonde-blind at the time, but some years later my brother asked me if I didn’t realize that he was in love with me…I didn’t look at him that way, so no, I didn’t.
J. is beginning her new life of adult experiences and A. isn’t happy about it. She had a beer—one beer at a party and he become angry with her. He told her that she was no longer the girl he fell in love with and that he was breaking up with her. I told her to let him go. A few days later he asked for her to come back but with a snotty caveat he said “against my better judgment”… I told her not to take him back. He needed to understand that she was the prize in this relationship, not him. He needed to work to keep her, not grudgingly take her back. He needed to suffer with missing her in order for him to lose his cockiness and understand what he has in her.
In the meantime, J. has been spending time with someone else—and she likes him. A. has gotten word and he’s angry. He’s acting out by accusing her of all sorts of nonsense that happened between them nine months ago. She asked me what to she should say to him. I told her to say that she’s no longer dwelling on the past but running joyfully toward her future. He doesn’t have the right to be angry, he broke up with her. (Maybe it’s a Jersey thing—insert Ronnie and Sammi’s relationship from the Jersey Shore.)
It’s not that J. doesn’t have feelings for A.—she does—she just feels that she needs time to explore these years and hoped that perhaps at some point in the future, that if he is meant to be her husband, he’ll come back—after she finishes law school. She’ll be ready then to settle down and start her family. But poking an angry bear isn’t going to keep him thinking of her in a positive light. Years from now he’s going to remember this angry bitchiness of her “liking” his relationship status when he’s eyeing other women instead of moving on with her life without him and waiting for him to decide to add to it.
Yes, it’s always a man’s choice; but a woman’s prerogative to say yes or no.
I was doing some reading this morning on Judaism and particularly on Orthodox Judaism. In the Orthodox tradition, a woman cannot remarry unless her husband gives her a secular divorce. A woman whose husband won’t agree to this is considered “anchored” and cannot remarry. It was interesting to me to read that during the 9/11 disaster, men who were resigned to their fate in those last moments of their lives had faxed home copies of their willingness to be religiously divorced from their wives as their last loving act. They gave their wives the freedom to love again.
Dr. Pat also considers a woman who knows her worth and isn’t willing to take a lot of crap from a guy “anchored”. Making unnecessary comments on ex’s status, isn’t.
J. asked me if she could remain friends with A. I told her no. Your friends are friends because they are not your lovers. Lovers cannot be friends until both of you have moved on to relationship where you are both happy and there isn’t any feeling at all of resurrecting a relationship between the two of you.
It is your job to be receptive, joyful and happy to hear from him if he approaches you without malice. That is your practice in learning to maintain your feminine yin womanhood – not to be a coiled-up, snarling bitch ready to strike because you want more from him. You don’t get to “want” something different, something better…more. Today he isn’t willing to give to you what you ultimately need from him… a life that was bigger than what you have, and you have every right to want that for yourself and your family. But this is also your yin practice in grace: to learn to be charming, warm and welcoming; to keep your attraction for him, even if right now it is not reciprocated in a way that you want it to be. But also consider that this ultimately might be a lack of compatibility in a partner. If you both want different things from life, either he’ll step up and provide that for you, or he’ll let you go to find a man who will give you what you need.
But also understand that men test woman constantly. If a woman get’s pissy over what he thinks is little to nothing, he moves on. Train yourself not to respond in impulse. He will either consider you a crazy psycho bitch, desperate for his attention, or you’ll moved into the friend category. No man wants willingly to end up with a woman who’s going to hate being with over every minor infraction. They end up calling you dramatic.
It’s very possible that although you J. still love A., he may not be as masculine as he appears and may not be willing to lead your relationship to a place that you are comfortable; or it may be that ultimately his commitment to a woman will be elsewhere; or that he may be waiting for the seed planted to sprout.
A man may walk away from you when he knows his personal sense of who he is in the world won’t measure up for you and although that is a painful goodbye, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You will have less dates because a man may feel that he will be unable to make you happy, but those men who weed themselves out early by their yardstick won’t waste the precious years of your fertility either.
My mentee said she “liked” his comment status. Ouch. It seems a little angry and inappropriately bitchy.
J.’s every move in her and her boyfriend’s relationship was passed by me for the first 6 months—and after that, when anything went wrong. She always says that she would have never had that relationship without me. The sweetest things that she has done recently are a: to teach what I’ve taught her to another girl navigating the beginnings of a relationship and b: to ask herself when she’s in a pickle “what would Fran do?” I’m smiling.
A. is a great guy—or at least used to be. He did what a man does when he meets a woman that he wants. He courted her. He dated her, he bought things for her, he attended church with her because her spirituality was important to her, he waited to be physical with her until she was ready, and he begged her not to go to school out of state.
A year passed and J. headed off to school; she wondered where her engagement ring was and then she asked me to talk it out with her.
J. is a grounded bright and beautiful girl; she’s lived a life where although she isn’t poor, she’s watched her parents struggle daily. She wants a different life than that—and I believe that she’ll have one.
A., her boyfriend, has told her that he’s contented to live quiet life in a middle class town and have a two week vacation once per year. J. not only wants, but needs more. I told her that I would be happy for her if she were to marry him; I would be happy for her if she didn’t. Only she could decide how big or small she needed her world to be.
I told her that the world was full of men who would be happy to wine and dine her and show her lots of pretty lights. There is a world full of men who would be happy to welcome her into their world and give their world to her in return. I told her of the men that offered me vacations to exotic lands; men that have negotiated with me what size (his minimum was 7 carats) and what color diamond (pink or yellow) I’d like for my engagement ring and whether I’d be interested in being married in the front hotel or the back tower of the Plaza Hotel.
I told her that the next 10 years of her life will be all about experiences and how those will change her. That the things that men shared with me when I was young became a part of who I am today and are still very much things that I love…when I was 21 my boyfriend who was older by 8 years dragged me around looking to complete his 18th century oak furniture collection. That led me to share those experiences with a supervisor who was on the national board of the Victorian society. Every time he (my supervisor) went on vacation I was the only one of his subordinates who received French perfume, jewelry and collection of Waterford crystal. I suppose I must have been blonde-blind at the time, but some years later my brother asked me if I didn’t realize that he was in love with me…I didn’t look at him that way, so no, I didn’t.
J. is beginning her new life of adult experiences and A. isn’t happy about it. She had a beer—one beer at a party and he become angry with her. He told her that she was no longer the girl he fell in love with and that he was breaking up with her. I told her to let him go. A few days later he asked for her to come back but with a snotty caveat he said “against my better judgment”… I told her not to take him back. He needed to understand that she was the prize in this relationship, not him. He needed to work to keep her, not grudgingly take her back. He needed to suffer with missing her in order for him to lose his cockiness and understand what he has in her.
In the meantime, J. has been spending time with someone else—and she likes him. A. has gotten word and he’s angry. He’s acting out by accusing her of all sorts of nonsense that happened between them nine months ago. She asked me what to she should say to him. I told her to say that she’s no longer dwelling on the past but running joyfully toward her future. He doesn’t have the right to be angry, he broke up with her. (Maybe it’s a Jersey thing—insert Ronnie and Sammi’s relationship from the Jersey Shore.)
It’s not that J. doesn’t have feelings for A.—she does—she just feels that she needs time to explore these years and hoped that perhaps at some point in the future, that if he is meant to be her husband, he’ll come back—after she finishes law school. She’ll be ready then to settle down and start her family. But poking an angry bear isn’t going to keep him thinking of her in a positive light. Years from now he’s going to remember this angry bitchiness of her “liking” his relationship status when he’s eyeing other women instead of moving on with her life without him and waiting for him to decide to add to it.
Yes, it’s always a man’s choice; but a woman’s prerogative to say yes or no.
I was doing some reading this morning on Judaism and particularly on Orthodox Judaism. In the Orthodox tradition, a woman cannot remarry unless her husband gives her a secular divorce. A woman whose husband won’t agree to this is considered “anchored” and cannot remarry. It was interesting to me to read that during the 9/11 disaster, men who were resigned to their fate in those last moments of their lives had faxed home copies of their willingness to be religiously divorced from their wives as their last loving act. They gave their wives the freedom to love again.
Dr. Pat also considers a woman who knows her worth and isn’t willing to take a lot of crap from a guy “anchored”. Making unnecessary comments on ex’s status, isn’t.
J. asked me if she could remain friends with A. I told her no. Your friends are friends because they are not your lovers. Lovers cannot be friends until both of you have moved on to relationship where you are both happy and there isn’t any feeling at all of resurrecting a relationship between the two of you.
It is your job to be receptive, joyful and happy to hear from him if he approaches you without malice. That is your practice in learning to maintain your feminine yin womanhood – not to be a coiled-up, snarling bitch ready to strike because you want more from him. You don’t get to “want” something different, something better…more. Today he isn’t willing to give to you what you ultimately need from him… a life that was bigger than what you have, and you have every right to want that for yourself and your family. But this is also your yin practice in grace: to learn to be charming, warm and welcoming; to keep your attraction for him, even if right now it is not reciprocated in a way that you want it to be. But also consider that this ultimately might be a lack of compatibility in a partner. If you both want different things from life, either he’ll step up and provide that for you, or he’ll let you go to find a man who will give you what you need.
But also understand that men test woman constantly. If a woman get’s pissy over what he thinks is little to nothing, he moves on. Train yourself not to respond in impulse. He will either consider you a crazy psycho bitch, desperate for his attention, or you’ll moved into the friend category. No man wants willingly to end up with a woman who’s going to hate being with over every minor infraction. They end up calling you dramatic.
It’s very possible that although you J. still love A., he may not be as masculine as he appears and may not be willing to lead your relationship to a place that you are comfortable; or it may be that ultimately his commitment to a woman will be elsewhere; or that he may be waiting for the seed planted to sprout.
A man may walk away from you when he knows his personal sense of who he is in the world won’t measure up for you and although that is a painful goodbye, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You will have less dates because a man may feel that he will be unable to make you happy, but those men who weed themselves out early by their yardstick won’t waste the precious years of your fertility either.
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