I’ve been asked the same thing twice over the last 24 hours...and I gave unsolicited advice to a third. “Could I commit to him/her?” “Would I have long regrets about the person?" "When is it enough?”
Him: I’ve been wondering a lot about this lately because I am 39 years old, I’ve never been engaged or married and I’ve never been close. I always presumed I get married at some point, but the older I get, the more I wonder if I ever will.
I have a great girlfriend. We’ve been together for the last 3 years, and though she seems totally in love with me; I am not sure I feel the same way about her. It’s not the live happily ever after type of love; she feels more like a best friend.
I’m seriously thinking about letting her go and seeing how I feel about the whole thing when I am alone. That is my dilemma. I've had some trophy girlfriends and some others that just weren't worth the effort.
It seems unusual that I am with someone who I am so relaxed with, but I'm too relaxed. I’ve really thought about this for the last week because when she emailed me about working our working on real intimacy, and she said that it was sometime in early 2009 that I last really showed any effort or interest.
At first I thought she was kidding and then thought about it and realized she was right. She is either really patient or I am kidding the both of us.
I don't miss her when I have to work away for weeks at a time, I don't get jealous about anything she does while I am away, I don't get horny when she's around me. I'm actually kind of bored.
So I'm wondering is this what it can be like when you finally settle down and accept yourself and your partner instead of needing them to be a porn star and a saint all at once, or am I supposed to feel like this, and get none of the excitement of being with her?
The thing about her is that she has so many qualities I really value and admire in a person, and ultimately want in a partner. I've been really reluctant to end the relationship, though I think that I have wanted to for years. I don't really talk about feelings with anyone so thanks for being there.
There are few decent young women willing to stay with a man long term without being married. Women who don’t know their value will take any offer—such as living with a man without getting the commitment they really want; they consider any offer from a man good enough. They do not see their true worth.
A good woman won't wait forever. Most women want the status and security of being a wife. I don't mean that in a gold digger/money grubbing way. I mean it in the way of “if I have a car accident and need someone to hold my hand as they wheel me into surgery, I want the security of knowing that someone loves me enough to be there waiting for me when I come out”. That someone was willing to stand up before god, my friends and his family and say, yes, I promise that I'll be there through the thick and thin.
Socially, for a woman, it has always been--from the beginning of time that a married woman has that status. She has the protection, a man she loves and hopefully children--a fuller life than a woman who is betrothed and certainly not single women. The terms widow and spinster have their negativity for reasons.
I understand that for a man, the sexual attraction for any and every hot thing that walks past him is temptation—a chance to trade-up. I truly believe that is a societal problem--that hook ups, friends with benefits, social networking and easy access to porn really preclude a man from making a good decision for companionship in his life. A trade of sexual play for real intimacy leads a man to a life of single hood; one where he didn't ever get to raise his children or play with his grandchildren.
I wouldn't tell you to wait for the moon and stars--it's the addiction of the high of the excitement that you're looking for. And men who move from woman to woman when they come off of the dopamine chemical rush end up in a vicious circle of depression from being tortured by the ups and downs of acceptance and refusal.
That head over heels attraction--if you stay long enough of her eventually wears off and becomes replaced with something comfortable. Every couple goes through that. Dependable is good. Dependable means that you'll wake up tomorrow morning with your car where you left it, the sun in the sky and your kids tucked safely away under the blankets.
If she's a good woman; someone who'll be a good mother, has her ethics aligned with yours and you have enough sexual chemistry to want to touch her, marry her.
No one on their worst day is worth being married to, but on both of your best days, it makes every moment worth it. If she's valuable in your life—really valuable meaning your life is better off with her than without her AND you have the potential for commitment, compatibility and chemistry, marry her--because what you may find is that you've traded her looking for more and ended up with something less.
The questions to ask yourself are ethically are we about the same? Would I consider that I would need to call a doctor, lawyer or the cops over anything she does in her day to day life? Are we on the same page about religion and how to raise the kids? Can we negotiate time? How much we need to be together and apart? Who pays for what? How much money do we save or spend? Are we on the same page about who raises the kids and takes care of the household? Would she take care of me if I were sick? How tied is he/she to their families? Is that something I like or dislike? Would he/she be a good father/mother? Would she move cross country if my career depended on it?
Where both men and woman end up unhappy is being tied to a fantasy. I'm often surprised by when both men and women believe that in time, things will be different. I read a blog the other day where this man was openly writing to a woman he said he had waited for--he waited for life, her life, his life all the stars to be aligned and woke up on day to find out that he had waited for nothing...that it would never be between them. But I saw that from the beginning. She told him from the beginning that it would never be him; he didn't want to believe her. When a man tells you something, believe him. When a woman tells you something, believe her. Don't believe that "if I love enough, things will change". They will not--and that is your compatibility. Does your partner have the capability to commit to you?
You need to think about her as someone you would choose to go into a partnership with because ultimately that is what a marriage is...and just because you think that you know the answer she would give, there might be something that you yet don't know about her...you have to ask...and listen to her answers.
Only then will you know that either the two of you can move forward to building a life together, OR you need to be kind enough to let her go and find a man who will give her what she needs.
Him: I’ve been wondering a lot about this lately because I am 39 years old, I’ve never been engaged or married and I’ve never been close. I always presumed I get married at some point, but the older I get, the more I wonder if I ever will.
I have a great girlfriend. We’ve been together for the last 3 years, and though she seems totally in love with me; I am not sure I feel the same way about her. It’s not the live happily ever after type of love; she feels more like a best friend.
I’m seriously thinking about letting her go and seeing how I feel about the whole thing when I am alone. That is my dilemma. I've had some trophy girlfriends and some others that just weren't worth the effort.
It seems unusual that I am with someone who I am so relaxed with, but I'm too relaxed. I’ve really thought about this for the last week because when she emailed me about working our working on real intimacy, and she said that it was sometime in early 2009 that I last really showed any effort or interest.
At first I thought she was kidding and then thought about it and realized she was right. She is either really patient or I am kidding the both of us.
I don't miss her when I have to work away for weeks at a time, I don't get jealous about anything she does while I am away, I don't get horny when she's around me. I'm actually kind of bored.
So I'm wondering is this what it can be like when you finally settle down and accept yourself and your partner instead of needing them to be a porn star and a saint all at once, or am I supposed to feel like this, and get none of the excitement of being with her?
The thing about her is that she has so many qualities I really value and admire in a person, and ultimately want in a partner. I've been really reluctant to end the relationship, though I think that I have wanted to for years. I don't really talk about feelings with anyone so thanks for being there.
There are few decent young women willing to stay with a man long term without being married. Women who don’t know their value will take any offer—such as living with a man without getting the commitment they really want; they consider any offer from a man good enough. They do not see their true worth.
A good woman won't wait forever. Most women want the status and security of being a wife. I don't mean that in a gold digger/money grubbing way. I mean it in the way of “if I have a car accident and need someone to hold my hand as they wheel me into surgery, I want the security of knowing that someone loves me enough to be there waiting for me when I come out”. That someone was willing to stand up before god, my friends and his family and say, yes, I promise that I'll be there through the thick and thin.
Socially, for a woman, it has always been--from the beginning of time that a married woman has that status. She has the protection, a man she loves and hopefully children--a fuller life than a woman who is betrothed and certainly not single women. The terms widow and spinster have their negativity for reasons.
I understand that for a man, the sexual attraction for any and every hot thing that walks past him is temptation—a chance to trade-up. I truly believe that is a societal problem--that hook ups, friends with benefits, social networking and easy access to porn really preclude a man from making a good decision for companionship in his life. A trade of sexual play for real intimacy leads a man to a life of single hood; one where he didn't ever get to raise his children or play with his grandchildren.
I wouldn't tell you to wait for the moon and stars--it's the addiction of the high of the excitement that you're looking for. And men who move from woman to woman when they come off of the dopamine chemical rush end up in a vicious circle of depression from being tortured by the ups and downs of acceptance and refusal.
That head over heels attraction--if you stay long enough of her eventually wears off and becomes replaced with something comfortable. Every couple goes through that. Dependable is good. Dependable means that you'll wake up tomorrow morning with your car where you left it, the sun in the sky and your kids tucked safely away under the blankets.
If she's a good woman; someone who'll be a good mother, has her ethics aligned with yours and you have enough sexual chemistry to want to touch her, marry her.
No one on their worst day is worth being married to, but on both of your best days, it makes every moment worth it. If she's valuable in your life—really valuable meaning your life is better off with her than without her AND you have the potential for commitment, compatibility and chemistry, marry her--because what you may find is that you've traded her looking for more and ended up with something less.
The questions to ask yourself are ethically are we about the same? Would I consider that I would need to call a doctor, lawyer or the cops over anything she does in her day to day life? Are we on the same page about religion and how to raise the kids? Can we negotiate time? How much we need to be together and apart? Who pays for what? How much money do we save or spend? Are we on the same page about who raises the kids and takes care of the household? Would she take care of me if I were sick? How tied is he/she to their families? Is that something I like or dislike? Would he/she be a good father/mother? Would she move cross country if my career depended on it?
Where both men and woman end up unhappy is being tied to a fantasy. I'm often surprised by when both men and women believe that in time, things will be different. I read a blog the other day where this man was openly writing to a woman he said he had waited for--he waited for life, her life, his life all the stars to be aligned and woke up on day to find out that he had waited for nothing...that it would never be between them. But I saw that from the beginning. She told him from the beginning that it would never be him; he didn't want to believe her. When a man tells you something, believe him. When a woman tells you something, believe her. Don't believe that "if I love enough, things will change". They will not--and that is your compatibility. Does your partner have the capability to commit to you?
You need to think about her as someone you would choose to go into a partnership with because ultimately that is what a marriage is...and just because you think that you know the answer she would give, there might be something that you yet don't know about her...you have to ask...and listen to her answers.
Only then will you know that either the two of you can move forward to building a life together, OR you need to be kind enough to let her go and find a man who will give her what she needs.
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