My ex is making contact with his ex girlfriend Lisa-the one I hate and he befriended her on facebook and all I want to do is scream at him and cry and I don't know what to do...not so much jealousy but I still care for him and I hate this bitch and I don't want her screwing up his life again...what do I do?
Dear Anonymous:
Thank you for the comment! I’d like to encourage any of my readers to bring me a relationship question by clicking on the word “comment” under my blog and filling out the pop up box—I’d be happy to answer it.
To answer your question, in short, do nothing. The hardest thing in the world to do is absolutely nothing when what you want to do is something and you’re looking for what the “right" something is. If you are having any anxiety at all over this, this is what girlfriends are for and show no emotion in front of him.
There are a few things that you have to remember. Although technically he broke up with you, he expected at his whim, you would be willing and available to go back with him. When you grew tired of his pushing and pulling you back and forth, and said no, he became angry with you. He knows that you don’t like his ex, but he is also missing female companionship and it’s easy for him to go back to a place (with her) of comfort and familiarity. Our softened memories have us remember the best of the moments with our ex’s—that‘s why there are so many relationships these days that after failed marriages, people go back to high school and college sweethearts for a “second time around” opportunity.
Right now, whatever his choices are, whatever mistakes he makes, those lessons are his to learn. He is no longer yours. It is not feminine energy to protect him. Protection is masculine--and since I know that you are not, there is something else going on--but first:
My suggestion to you is to delete him from your facebook friends list. It is far easier for you not to know what he’s doing or with whom. Had you not known, you would have saved yourself from this anguish and pain to begin with.
I know that you are afraid that he is going to have sex with her and that you don’t want him to. I know that you’re feeling on this is that if he ever slept with another woman there would be no returning to you. He also knows that. But the truth is that he has every right as a single man to find whatever comfort he needs where ever he finds it.
You also need to remember that men can have sex with a woman that they don’t have romantic feelings for—or even like, or know.
For women in touch with their feelings, they typically bond to a man with their bodies through a chemical that their bodies produce called oxytocin. It is our love drug. Initially, oxytocin was thought to be produced by women who had given birth, bonding themselves with their children. It has been shown that women produce that bond through sexual intercourse. I don’t personally believe that intercourse is necessary. I know women who have bonded with a man by just dancing with him. I know others that have had oxytocin flood their bodies by kissing or even just smelling a man.
There is very interesting science attached to love and attraction. Nature has a beautiful mechanism in place for a woman to protect her fetus and genetic material by passing it on to future generations by survival of the fittest. And what is meant by that survival is adaptability. A woman is either chemically attracted to a man or not based on her liking his smell. The exchange of liking his smell is unconscious—it’s not his cologne or laundry detergent. When a woman encounters a man who’s immune biology is a little like her parents and a little NOT her parents, it begins a chemical rollercoaster inside of her body that binds her to him in what nature hopes is a chance at a good reproductive option.
That oxytocin boding is why men today call women psycho and stalkers…she cannot help herself from wanting to be close to that man. It is a drug as powerful as cocaine addiction that can take as long as two years for a woman to become un-bonded from that man.
Although you are no longer actively dating him, you body is still bonded to him and it will be for a long time. Men can think nothing of spreading their seed far and wide…in fact they are built for it. Women become bonded to a man in nature’s hope of having more than one offspring with stronger genetic material than it started with. Of course, you would be unhappy with the possibility that the man your body craves as a naturally selected mate might choose to plant his seed elsewhere. I'd like to tell you that even after a woman looses her ability to conceive that this bonding process stops; it does not.
The best way for you to un-bond to this man is to continue to date elsewhere—eventually your feelings will catch up with your behavior. The worst thing that you can do right now is to be physically near him. You must not smell him. His scent will have you back at square one to beginning the un-bonding process—again—you have forestalled the up to two years every time you smell him again. Two years can turn to three, three to four unless the process has completely ended.
If he still has your possessions or you end up in a social situation where you are physically in the same room as him, you must remain at least 30 inches away from him as not to be close enough to smell him. Thirty inches is far enough away for your reproductive immunity picker not to choose him again and again. It would be best if you could have someone else do a possession exchange. I know you want to see him but you must fight that urge or you have chosen your own misery.
On a brighter note, serendipity has its own course and time. Let me tell you the story of how my parents met. My mom was young and had an older sister who was dating a guy who wanted to fix up his cousin with my mom. Her sister knew this guy had a bit of a bad boy reputation and said "not a chance". That was 8 months prior to my mother and father meeting.
My mother ended up getting engaged to a guy named Frank (I have more men in my life named Frank than I can shake a stick at!) Anyhow, Frank ended up being shipped out in the military and had a friend who he had asked to show my mom a good time while he was out serving our country. One particular Saturday night my mom and this other guy were supposed to head to out to N.Y. and it happened to be storming. Her mother wouldn’t let her go. It also happened that a neighbor was getting married that particular Saturday night and my grandmother and aunt (her older sister) were invited to the wedding. My grandmother said to my mother that she couldn’t go to N.Y. but if she wanted to get out of the house for a little while, she could go to the wedding with her and her sister.
My mother argued with my grandmother and said that she wasn’t invited. My grandmother said to her to come for the religious portion of the wedding and then she could go home. As soon as my mother attended the service, my father walked right up to her and wouldn’t leave her side. When she told him that she wasn’t invited to the reception he asked her to stay and said that she could sit in his seat and she could eat his meal if she would just stay—so she did—and soon afterwards broke her engagement to Frank.
Had any one of those circumstances changed—that Frank wasn’t off to war, that it hadn’t have stormed, that the wedding was held on a different night, that her mother allowed her to go to N.Y.--with any change in any of those circumstances, I wouldn’t be here. My mother was supposed to have met my father 8 months before she did—nothing that anyone could have done—including her sister saying that she wouldn’t allow the introduction, Nothing was going to change the destiny of their being together until death did them part.
IF it is meant to be that at some other point in time the two of you will get back together, the universe will find a way to make that happen. Even if it means that he’s made mistakes with other women; you’ll find a way to forgive him. Step out of destiny's way.
Dear Anonymous:
Thank you for the comment! I’d like to encourage any of my readers to bring me a relationship question by clicking on the word “comment” under my blog and filling out the pop up box—I’d be happy to answer it.
To answer your question, in short, do nothing. The hardest thing in the world to do is absolutely nothing when what you want to do is something and you’re looking for what the “right" something is. If you are having any anxiety at all over this, this is what girlfriends are for and show no emotion in front of him.
There are a few things that you have to remember. Although technically he broke up with you, he expected at his whim, you would be willing and available to go back with him. When you grew tired of his pushing and pulling you back and forth, and said no, he became angry with you. He knows that you don’t like his ex, but he is also missing female companionship and it’s easy for him to go back to a place (with her) of comfort and familiarity. Our softened memories have us remember the best of the moments with our ex’s—that‘s why there are so many relationships these days that after failed marriages, people go back to high school and college sweethearts for a “second time around” opportunity.
Right now, whatever his choices are, whatever mistakes he makes, those lessons are his to learn. He is no longer yours. It is not feminine energy to protect him. Protection is masculine--and since I know that you are not, there is something else going on--but first:
My suggestion to you is to delete him from your facebook friends list. It is far easier for you not to know what he’s doing or with whom. Had you not known, you would have saved yourself from this anguish and pain to begin with.
I know that you are afraid that he is going to have sex with her and that you don’t want him to. I know that you’re feeling on this is that if he ever slept with another woman there would be no returning to you. He also knows that. But the truth is that he has every right as a single man to find whatever comfort he needs where ever he finds it.
You also need to remember that men can have sex with a woman that they don’t have romantic feelings for—or even like, or know.
For women in touch with their feelings, they typically bond to a man with their bodies through a chemical that their bodies produce called oxytocin. It is our love drug. Initially, oxytocin was thought to be produced by women who had given birth, bonding themselves with their children. It has been shown that women produce that bond through sexual intercourse. I don’t personally believe that intercourse is necessary. I know women who have bonded with a man by just dancing with him. I know others that have had oxytocin flood their bodies by kissing or even just smelling a man.
There is very interesting science attached to love and attraction. Nature has a beautiful mechanism in place for a woman to protect her fetus and genetic material by passing it on to future generations by survival of the fittest. And what is meant by that survival is adaptability. A woman is either chemically attracted to a man or not based on her liking his smell. The exchange of liking his smell is unconscious—it’s not his cologne or laundry detergent. When a woman encounters a man who’s immune biology is a little like her parents and a little NOT her parents, it begins a chemical rollercoaster inside of her body that binds her to him in what nature hopes is a chance at a good reproductive option.
That oxytocin boding is why men today call women psycho and stalkers…she cannot help herself from wanting to be close to that man. It is a drug as powerful as cocaine addiction that can take as long as two years for a woman to become un-bonded from that man.
Although you are no longer actively dating him, you body is still bonded to him and it will be for a long time. Men can think nothing of spreading their seed far and wide…in fact they are built for it. Women become bonded to a man in nature’s hope of having more than one offspring with stronger genetic material than it started with. Of course, you would be unhappy with the possibility that the man your body craves as a naturally selected mate might choose to plant his seed elsewhere. I'd like to tell you that even after a woman looses her ability to conceive that this bonding process stops; it does not.
The best way for you to un-bond to this man is to continue to date elsewhere—eventually your feelings will catch up with your behavior. The worst thing that you can do right now is to be physically near him. You must not smell him. His scent will have you back at square one to beginning the un-bonding process—again—you have forestalled the up to two years every time you smell him again. Two years can turn to three, three to four unless the process has completely ended.
If he still has your possessions or you end up in a social situation where you are physically in the same room as him, you must remain at least 30 inches away from him as not to be close enough to smell him. Thirty inches is far enough away for your reproductive immunity picker not to choose him again and again. It would be best if you could have someone else do a possession exchange. I know you want to see him but you must fight that urge or you have chosen your own misery.
On a brighter note, serendipity has its own course and time. Let me tell you the story of how my parents met. My mom was young and had an older sister who was dating a guy who wanted to fix up his cousin with my mom. Her sister knew this guy had a bit of a bad boy reputation and said "not a chance". That was 8 months prior to my mother and father meeting.
My mother ended up getting engaged to a guy named Frank (I have more men in my life named Frank than I can shake a stick at!) Anyhow, Frank ended up being shipped out in the military and had a friend who he had asked to show my mom a good time while he was out serving our country. One particular Saturday night my mom and this other guy were supposed to head to out to N.Y. and it happened to be storming. Her mother wouldn’t let her go. It also happened that a neighbor was getting married that particular Saturday night and my grandmother and aunt (her older sister) were invited to the wedding. My grandmother said to my mother that she couldn’t go to N.Y. but if she wanted to get out of the house for a little while, she could go to the wedding with her and her sister.
My mother argued with my grandmother and said that she wasn’t invited. My grandmother said to her to come for the religious portion of the wedding and then she could go home. As soon as my mother attended the service, my father walked right up to her and wouldn’t leave her side. When she told him that she wasn’t invited to the reception he asked her to stay and said that she could sit in his seat and she could eat his meal if she would just stay—so she did—and soon afterwards broke her engagement to Frank.
Had any one of those circumstances changed—that Frank wasn’t off to war, that it hadn’t have stormed, that the wedding was held on a different night, that her mother allowed her to go to N.Y.--with any change in any of those circumstances, I wouldn’t be here. My mother was supposed to have met my father 8 months before she did—nothing that anyone could have done—including her sister saying that she wouldn’t allow the introduction, Nothing was going to change the destiny of their being together until death did them part.
IF it is meant to be that at some other point in time the two of you will get back together, the universe will find a way to make that happen. Even if it means that he’s made mistakes with other women; you’ll find a way to forgive him. Step out of destiny's way.
No comments:
Post a Comment