Today’s society has degraded. Male role models are virtually nonexistent. Today, who appears to be an alpha male, a tough guy, an uncaring man, a leader is nothing close to the reality of a man that any man should want to emulate. I can’t think of one single man that a male child should want to grow up to emulate. Donald Trump? Nope…for all of his hype, he was a man who repeatedly cheated on women and by his bankruptcy, left his creditors holding the bag for his incompetent choices. Puff daddy /diddy made being “G” or “gangster” cool…children out of wedlock…again, he may have money but he is a failure as a man because he chose not to step up to his responsibility of marrying their mother. What this men gave up for the dream of a better life had them loose their soul in the process.
A few hundred years ago, those children would be called bastards. Those rakish fathers would have been shunned by society rather than revered. Those children had none of the privileges and all of the shame of the result of sexual liaison out of wedlock. They carry with them the foolish and childish choices of the mistakes that their parents made. Those children carry with them the shame of baser instincts over dignity. They carry with them a life with a father who in one way or another abandoned them.
(As an aside, as it turned out, the man who thought my brother might be his father was not my brother’s son; leaving this man to question his own mother’s behavior and leaving him with lack of a direction and the right he had to know his own paternal lineage. Through no fault of his own, that right was taken from him. There isn’t a chance that he looks in the mirror, sees himself and feels whole. He is broken.)
Men and women are different; I get it—I really do. A man has sexual urges that are difficult to contain in a world full of women that are perfectly willing to sleep with a man without a commitment from him. In yester year a man needing sexual gratification married for access to a woman’s body. I believe women today would be far better served to return to that “entrance fee” as a personal choice.
A man’s value is tied to his profession, his ability to provide for his family. But I’m questioning the balance and breaking of the spirit when a man doesn’t take the time each day to solidify those connections.
I’ve recently read two diametrically things written by men. One was part of a blog this man wrote as an open letter to his daughter. She’s six. He travels many days per week across the country lecturing. He asked her would she rather that he helps people or have him at home with her? She initially said that she wanted him but then added through some sense of guilt or being taught of needing to share that it was important to help people, too. It was sort of stunning to me. That in this open letter of his experience with his daughter it would even be conceivable to ask a child to verbalize the adult concept of choosing the sacrifice of whether or not to be with her father and for him to actually justify by guilt his leaving her—again by having it be her choice. He said in this letter that he felt she made him whole and he thanked her. What he didn’t realize was that in leaving her, he left her incomplete.
Childhood is so fleeting. You blink and your children have gone from being two years old and hiding behind your leg to being 16 and wanting to be their friends. He apologized and said that he was sorry that he wouldn’t be there to kiss away the “owies” but he didn’t ever once in the letter say that he loved her. I believe that he does, he just didn’t say it. He didn’t say that he may not always be there when she wants him to be, but he’d always be there when she needed him to be.
Unknowingly, he’s raising his daughter to be broken, because he is. She’s learning every day not to count on a man to be there and he asked a child to justify her broken heart. She said she wanted HIM as her first response, he chose not to hear her until he got the response he wanted. He, as a man, is broken; he believes that choice of money over his family is the right one.
I understand that the money he earns gives her the lifestyle that she has. She has a home and pretty dresses and gets to go to Disneyland. What she doesn’t get is a father that comes home at 6:00 pm and chooses to share his life with his daughter. He doesn’t engage her in his stories of her day, explain a current event, kiss away her tears over a bad dream, tell her stories of when he was little and help her with her homework every day.
I think that most men don’t have a full understanding that for a woman, relationships need nurturing ever day. Women need the connection. Women need the interaction. Given a choice, I would have less lifestyle and more family connection. It is a disease of our lifetime. I grew up in a family with multi-generations living together in neighborhoods where you actually knew your neighbors. There were b-b-q’s and porches and mosquito bites in summer with hours and hours of conversation and interrelating.
There were Saturday night card games and board games and role playing with dolls-- mommies and daddies and children playing house. There were date nights and the excitement of a man who when you hoped would ask you out actually did. But women didn’t hurry to say yes…they said “I’ll think about it” and made a man wait for the possibility of a chance to woo her. He gave her his ring or his pin or his jacket to wear. When I think of most men today, it reminds me of the at Joe Jackson song where he sort of waxes poetic his past experiences and his own shortcomings of what it meant to a man and says “men that always grew up better men then me and you”.
The other story that I read is of a man struggling with the same premise but from a different perspective. That he knew that he had to work to provide for his family and children but was at times jealous of his hedge fund friends who made millions of dollars per year and by comparison, his angst of being a failure. But he shared the ins and outs of his day with his children. They ate meals together, each child had alone time with him. They shared their religious connection by reading from the bible each night. By 9 pm each of the children with whom he had shared the experiences of his and their days were in their own rooms, retired for the night. At that point, he and his wife made the time to share their relationship as friends and lovers. They considered anytime after 9 pm a “do-free” zone. Nothing that needed to be done to the kids, for the kids, for the house, or for their social lives was not already discussed and “done”. This was their time to relate to each other as their sanctuary from the outside world. They chose time each day to refresh their choices as partners and vows as lovers for each other. He considered himself broken as well (for the wanting) but with one difference. When he asked himself would he give up the intimate relationships that he has with his children daily for one million dollars, his answer was no.
From a woman’s perspective it is the right choice. Women need that connection. To be touched, to be stroked, to be smiled at, to have their feelings cherished, appreciated and met. It is the only way that they know every single day, that they matter.
A few hundred years ago, those children would be called bastards. Those rakish fathers would have been shunned by society rather than revered. Those children had none of the privileges and all of the shame of the result of sexual liaison out of wedlock. They carry with them the foolish and childish choices of the mistakes that their parents made. Those children carry with them the shame of baser instincts over dignity. They carry with them a life with a father who in one way or another abandoned them.
(As an aside, as it turned out, the man who thought my brother might be his father was not my brother’s son; leaving this man to question his own mother’s behavior and leaving him with lack of a direction and the right he had to know his own paternal lineage. Through no fault of his own, that right was taken from him. There isn’t a chance that he looks in the mirror, sees himself and feels whole. He is broken.)
Men and women are different; I get it—I really do. A man has sexual urges that are difficult to contain in a world full of women that are perfectly willing to sleep with a man without a commitment from him. In yester year a man needing sexual gratification married for access to a woman’s body. I believe women today would be far better served to return to that “entrance fee” as a personal choice.
A man’s value is tied to his profession, his ability to provide for his family. But I’m questioning the balance and breaking of the spirit when a man doesn’t take the time each day to solidify those connections.
I’ve recently read two diametrically things written by men. One was part of a blog this man wrote as an open letter to his daughter. She’s six. He travels many days per week across the country lecturing. He asked her would she rather that he helps people or have him at home with her? She initially said that she wanted him but then added through some sense of guilt or being taught of needing to share that it was important to help people, too. It was sort of stunning to me. That in this open letter of his experience with his daughter it would even be conceivable to ask a child to verbalize the adult concept of choosing the sacrifice of whether or not to be with her father and for him to actually justify by guilt his leaving her—again by having it be her choice. He said in this letter that he felt she made him whole and he thanked her. What he didn’t realize was that in leaving her, he left her incomplete.
Childhood is so fleeting. You blink and your children have gone from being two years old and hiding behind your leg to being 16 and wanting to be their friends. He apologized and said that he was sorry that he wouldn’t be there to kiss away the “owies” but he didn’t ever once in the letter say that he loved her. I believe that he does, he just didn’t say it. He didn’t say that he may not always be there when she wants him to be, but he’d always be there when she needed him to be.
Unknowingly, he’s raising his daughter to be broken, because he is. She’s learning every day not to count on a man to be there and he asked a child to justify her broken heart. She said she wanted HIM as her first response, he chose not to hear her until he got the response he wanted. He, as a man, is broken; he believes that choice of money over his family is the right one.
I understand that the money he earns gives her the lifestyle that she has. She has a home and pretty dresses and gets to go to Disneyland. What she doesn’t get is a father that comes home at 6:00 pm and chooses to share his life with his daughter. He doesn’t engage her in his stories of her day, explain a current event, kiss away her tears over a bad dream, tell her stories of when he was little and help her with her homework every day.
I think that most men don’t have a full understanding that for a woman, relationships need nurturing ever day. Women need the connection. Women need the interaction. Given a choice, I would have less lifestyle and more family connection. It is a disease of our lifetime. I grew up in a family with multi-generations living together in neighborhoods where you actually knew your neighbors. There were b-b-q’s and porches and mosquito bites in summer with hours and hours of conversation and interrelating.
There were Saturday night card games and board games and role playing with dolls-- mommies and daddies and children playing house. There were date nights and the excitement of a man who when you hoped would ask you out actually did. But women didn’t hurry to say yes…they said “I’ll think about it” and made a man wait for the possibility of a chance to woo her. He gave her his ring or his pin or his jacket to wear. When I think of most men today, it reminds me of the at Joe Jackson song where he sort of waxes poetic his past experiences and his own shortcomings of what it meant to a man and says “men that always grew up better men then me and you”.
The other story that I read is of a man struggling with the same premise but from a different perspective. That he knew that he had to work to provide for his family and children but was at times jealous of his hedge fund friends who made millions of dollars per year and by comparison, his angst of being a failure. But he shared the ins and outs of his day with his children. They ate meals together, each child had alone time with him. They shared their religious connection by reading from the bible each night. By 9 pm each of the children with whom he had shared the experiences of his and their days were in their own rooms, retired for the night. At that point, he and his wife made the time to share their relationship as friends and lovers. They considered anytime after 9 pm a “do-free” zone. Nothing that needed to be done to the kids, for the kids, for the house, or for their social lives was not already discussed and “done”. This was their time to relate to each other as their sanctuary from the outside world. They chose time each day to refresh their choices as partners and vows as lovers for each other. He considered himself broken as well (for the wanting) but with one difference. When he asked himself would he give up the intimate relationships that he has with his children daily for one million dollars, his answer was no.
From a woman’s perspective it is the right choice. Women need that connection. To be touched, to be stroked, to be smiled at, to have their feelings cherished, appreciated and met. It is the only way that they know every single day, that they matter.
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