I’ve been talking to women who are unhappy that the men that are pursuing them are really nothing more than players who are only looking for a sexual encounter. First let me say “lucky you” for having the feminine wiles to elicit that response! Secondarily, let me wake you up to the fact that a man is only a player if a woman allows him be a one. As a woman, that ball is in your court. That is harsh to say, but if a woman accepts an offer of casual sex from a man, she's asking to be played. Ouch.
Let’s admit it ladies, men will say all sorts of things to get you into bed. I have two brothers who have been incredibly honest with me. The younger one has always told me NEVER to believe anything that any man says. The older brother is a serial monogamous dater without the impetuous to make a further commitment. That is his girlfriend’s fault. She gave him everything a woman could give a man without getting the contract she needed, first. I guess you learn about good relationships by watching crappy ones.
Your only real option is to leave your eyes, ears and heart open at the same time.
A man chases the woman he wants. He does this by courtship—he makes her feel special, does nice things for her and proves himself worthy of her commitment to him. BUT men can and do provide, protect and cherish without wanting to give a woman a commitment. You must learn to watch a man’s actions instead of listening to his words by and letting that be your guidepost.
As feminine women, we’re always looking at a man’s actions to provide, protect and cherish us. Before you fall head over heels, you need to ask yourself is this person willing to make a commitment? Has he had a bad marriage and isn’t willing to remarry? Does he think he is settled “enough” in his career? Does he only chase women that are unavailable because in truth HE is actually unavailable? (By chasing women who he cannot attain he actually blocks himself from having to commit to a woman who would say yes to building a life him). We’ve all seen this man—he only wants a woman until he gets her—and then he moves on. He is addicted to the pain of the chase…and he leaves us scratching our head wondering what happened after we stopped running away.
I love the idea of old fashioned courtship. One of the online sites that I hang out on is 99.9% male. In one of the threads recently was guy complaining that he wished for an old fashioned girl. That although there was no one special in his life at the moment, the thought that the woman who would ultimately would be his wife and the mother of his children would have “looked for love in all the wrong place”…that she would have had sex with other men and he had a great distain for that.
Pat Allen's principles are that once you've established chemistry and compatibility you talk about making a commitment, fall in love with each other and only then have sexual relations. By following Pat’s guidelines everyone has a clearer understanding of the boundaries of the relationship. You have far less likelihood of painful rejection based on presumptions.
You will know that a man is serious about you and a longer term relationship beyond one night by the four commitments that he’s willing to make to you—and keep. Despite a world filled with pick up artists and feminine men who appreciate a woman chasing them, the truth is that it is always a woman’s choice of not who she attracts, but chooses to keep in her life. The wrong men will weed themselves out by fading away, or disqualifying themselves, but the right men will stick around. Of those that do you need to ask yourself if this is a man that you really could build a relationship with?
Do you have chemistry with him? Is this someone you want to touch you and someone you want to touch? Do you like the taste of his kisses and the pressure of his lips, hands and body against yours?
Do you have compatibility with him? Are you on the same page about having children, living together verses getting married? Are you a morning person and he’s a night owl? Does he like staying home while you’re a social butterfly? Would you marry outside of your faith? Would he? What do you ultimately want verses ultimately don’t want?
I’m a firm believer that a woman should not be dating one man exclusively until he puts an engagement ring on her finger. I understand that men won’t like this using logic by saying things like how will I make a commitment to you being my choice for “the one” if you’re dating other men and not exclusively dating me?
Tough. Your response should be that, you’re ready to be a wife and mother. How will my husband find me if I don’t let him date and win me? You’re asking me to make a commitment to you without your making the only commitment to me that matters—and that is one of a man willing to take me off the market and build a life with me.
This is especially true if a woman is of childbearing years and wants her own children. As a woman you must realize that your fertility is finite. You should always be willing to walk away from a man no matter how much you love him if he isn’t willing (in a time frame that is at least one year and no longer than two) to make a commitment of marriage and children to you. You must be willing to let go and give yourself the gift of allowing yourself to be found by a man who will give you the life that you need to be fulfilled and happy.
Within the course of a year people build a trustworthy record with each other. You experience knowing that that person will be there for you, cares for your well being and at that point really begin to know if this is a person you want to make a full time commitment to-- meaning engagement to marriage. There is nothing about you that a man isn’t going to know in three years, that he didn’t know in two, or even in one. If he hasn’t figured out that he wants to marry you by that time, he does not. Any answer other than a yes, is a no; period. Don’t convince yourself of anything else. Do not waste your youth and beauty waiting year after year for a man to decide that you are the right woman. It doesn’t work that way for men. They decide they are ready to be married and then look for a woman who will fit the bill for what they are looking for in a wife. Either you have that, or you don’t. Life may happen in the shades of gray, but this is black and white.
This may take some time to figure out but you both need to be on the same page of what dating exclusivity means to you both. This is Pat Allen’s four commitments (and compromises):
Monogamy— both social and sexual. Is your partner willing to not date others? Are they willing to not have sexual relations with others? This is frequently a shock to women who oxytocin bond to a man. A man can talk about marrying you and still have sex with other women. Sex can have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with him. It is separate, aside, and meaningless. It is an act of gratification, not an act of love. There is a difference between having sex and making love.
Exclusivity—both of you agrees to only date each other.
Continuity—dates at least once per week, dating as a couple either in a group or alone, and contact. You should discuss how many times a week are you in each other’s company, daily phone calls or a few times per week? Many issues arise due to unmet expectations of how a relationship “should” work. When I was growing up, my mother didn’t call my father at work unless there was some sort of emergency. When I began dating a guy exclusively he became upset with me wondering why it was that I didn’t call him during the day. I wouldn’t dream of interrupting him and yet he expected that of me. It was a lovely respite and a break in his day just to hear my voice. He was upset enough to need to talk to me about it, as a feminine women, my feeling was “ask me, and I’ll say yes”.
Longevity—where is this relationship heading towards and in what time frame? Is it leading towards engagement in a six months or a year? Will there be a marriage with two years or eight years? Do you both want children and how many? Would you move in together at the time of engagement?
Respect a man’s space to come to the decision that you are the right woman on his own. Don’t try to change a man-- is impossible unless he himself chooses a lifetime of different behavior and travels that journey by himself. As women, we don’t have any power over any man and our only choices are either to accept or reject what he offers. That doesn't mean we have to say yes to anything that makes us feel uncomfortable including being sexual before a commitment or waiting endlessly for a man to ask you to be his wife.
Exclusivity is a gift to a man…it is earned over time. By not having sexual intercourse—oral, anal or vaginal with any one man that you are dating, the one that you’re hoping will be “the one” will know that you aren’t being sexual with anyone else either. It also lets him know that once you become his wife, no other man will sleep with you easily because of how hard he had to work to attain that privilege.
Let’s admit it ladies, men will say all sorts of things to get you into bed. I have two brothers who have been incredibly honest with me. The younger one has always told me NEVER to believe anything that any man says. The older brother is a serial monogamous dater without the impetuous to make a further commitment. That is his girlfriend’s fault. She gave him everything a woman could give a man without getting the contract she needed, first. I guess you learn about good relationships by watching crappy ones.
Your only real option is to leave your eyes, ears and heart open at the same time.
A man chases the woman he wants. He does this by courtship—he makes her feel special, does nice things for her and proves himself worthy of her commitment to him. BUT men can and do provide, protect and cherish without wanting to give a woman a commitment. You must learn to watch a man’s actions instead of listening to his words by and letting that be your guidepost.
As feminine women, we’re always looking at a man’s actions to provide, protect and cherish us. Before you fall head over heels, you need to ask yourself is this person willing to make a commitment? Has he had a bad marriage and isn’t willing to remarry? Does he think he is settled “enough” in his career? Does he only chase women that are unavailable because in truth HE is actually unavailable? (By chasing women who he cannot attain he actually blocks himself from having to commit to a woman who would say yes to building a life him). We’ve all seen this man—he only wants a woman until he gets her—and then he moves on. He is addicted to the pain of the chase…and he leaves us scratching our head wondering what happened after we stopped running away.
I love the idea of old fashioned courtship. One of the online sites that I hang out on is 99.9% male. In one of the threads recently was guy complaining that he wished for an old fashioned girl. That although there was no one special in his life at the moment, the thought that the woman who would ultimately would be his wife and the mother of his children would have “looked for love in all the wrong place”…that she would have had sex with other men and he had a great distain for that.
Pat Allen's principles are that once you've established chemistry and compatibility you talk about making a commitment, fall in love with each other and only then have sexual relations. By following Pat’s guidelines everyone has a clearer understanding of the boundaries of the relationship. You have far less likelihood of painful rejection based on presumptions.
You will know that a man is serious about you and a longer term relationship beyond one night by the four commitments that he’s willing to make to you—and keep. Despite a world filled with pick up artists and feminine men who appreciate a woman chasing them, the truth is that it is always a woman’s choice of not who she attracts, but chooses to keep in her life. The wrong men will weed themselves out by fading away, or disqualifying themselves, but the right men will stick around. Of those that do you need to ask yourself if this is a man that you really could build a relationship with?
Do you have chemistry with him? Is this someone you want to touch you and someone you want to touch? Do you like the taste of his kisses and the pressure of his lips, hands and body against yours?
Do you have compatibility with him? Are you on the same page about having children, living together verses getting married? Are you a morning person and he’s a night owl? Does he like staying home while you’re a social butterfly? Would you marry outside of your faith? Would he? What do you ultimately want verses ultimately don’t want?
I’m a firm believer that a woman should not be dating one man exclusively until he puts an engagement ring on her finger. I understand that men won’t like this using logic by saying things like how will I make a commitment to you being my choice for “the one” if you’re dating other men and not exclusively dating me?
Tough. Your response should be that, you’re ready to be a wife and mother. How will my husband find me if I don’t let him date and win me? You’re asking me to make a commitment to you without your making the only commitment to me that matters—and that is one of a man willing to take me off the market and build a life with me.
This is especially true if a woman is of childbearing years and wants her own children. As a woman you must realize that your fertility is finite. You should always be willing to walk away from a man no matter how much you love him if he isn’t willing (in a time frame that is at least one year and no longer than two) to make a commitment of marriage and children to you. You must be willing to let go and give yourself the gift of allowing yourself to be found by a man who will give you the life that you need to be fulfilled and happy.
Within the course of a year people build a trustworthy record with each other. You experience knowing that that person will be there for you, cares for your well being and at that point really begin to know if this is a person you want to make a full time commitment to-- meaning engagement to marriage. There is nothing about you that a man isn’t going to know in three years, that he didn’t know in two, or even in one. If he hasn’t figured out that he wants to marry you by that time, he does not. Any answer other than a yes, is a no; period. Don’t convince yourself of anything else. Do not waste your youth and beauty waiting year after year for a man to decide that you are the right woman. It doesn’t work that way for men. They decide they are ready to be married and then look for a woman who will fit the bill for what they are looking for in a wife. Either you have that, or you don’t. Life may happen in the shades of gray, but this is black and white.
This may take some time to figure out but you both need to be on the same page of what dating exclusivity means to you both. This is Pat Allen’s four commitments (and compromises):
Monogamy— both social and sexual. Is your partner willing to not date others? Are they willing to not have sexual relations with others? This is frequently a shock to women who oxytocin bond to a man. A man can talk about marrying you and still have sex with other women. Sex can have absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with him. It is separate, aside, and meaningless. It is an act of gratification, not an act of love. There is a difference between having sex and making love.
Exclusivity—both of you agrees to only date each other.
Continuity—dates at least once per week, dating as a couple either in a group or alone, and contact. You should discuss how many times a week are you in each other’s company, daily phone calls or a few times per week? Many issues arise due to unmet expectations of how a relationship “should” work. When I was growing up, my mother didn’t call my father at work unless there was some sort of emergency. When I began dating a guy exclusively he became upset with me wondering why it was that I didn’t call him during the day. I wouldn’t dream of interrupting him and yet he expected that of me. It was a lovely respite and a break in his day just to hear my voice. He was upset enough to need to talk to me about it, as a feminine women, my feeling was “ask me, and I’ll say yes”.
Longevity—where is this relationship heading towards and in what time frame? Is it leading towards engagement in a six months or a year? Will there be a marriage with two years or eight years? Do you both want children and how many? Would you move in together at the time of engagement?
Respect a man’s space to come to the decision that you are the right woman on his own. Don’t try to change a man-- is impossible unless he himself chooses a lifetime of different behavior and travels that journey by himself. As women, we don’t have any power over any man and our only choices are either to accept or reject what he offers. That doesn't mean we have to say yes to anything that makes us feel uncomfortable including being sexual before a commitment or waiting endlessly for a man to ask you to be his wife.
Exclusivity is a gift to a man…it is earned over time. By not having sexual intercourse—oral, anal or vaginal with any one man that you are dating, the one that you’re hoping will be “the one” will know that you aren’t being sexual with anyone else either. It also lets him know that once you become his wife, no other man will sleep with you easily because of how hard he had to work to attain that privilege.
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